Does he love me or my money?

[Moose]

In RecordProducer's defense......you'd have to know a lot about the people here on LS to understand what she means by her comment......she didn't mean any disrespect to you or Alpha. On to something more important:

when you go out with him either to eat or to buy stuff for him, go to 99 cent store or a cheap place to eat. Do that more as often as you can. In addition to that, you should complain about the gas price. don't wear expensive clothe either

I know that you mean well with what you posted, (iamyouranswer), truth being told......not all folks who are wealthy dine out at fine restraunts, or only shop for only the finest of clothing......buy super unleaded. In fact....as well to do as Mrs. Moose and I are, we try to be good stewards of the monies provided to us. Sure, we splurge and shouldn't sometimes. But out in the real world, you couldn't tell the difference between us or any other couple out there.

 

Miami, after reading a few of your responses, I'm leaning more towards you seeking personal help on possible self-esteem issues rather than making an instant change in your spending habits....that is...., as of yet. That still needs to happen, but before you do that, you need to prepare yourself for how he responds.

 

He'll be defensive either way you go. Since it's not a good idea, (EVER), for anyone to lie to a loved one, the fact and the truth is, you have to be honest with what you're feeling. Plain and simple.....right?

 

Well, one of two things will happen right off the bat:

 

#1. He'll be defensive because he's in shock that you'd even think of he'd be into you for something like this.

 

or

 

#2. He'll be defensive because you called him on what he's been up to all along.

 

Either way......this is what you can expect.

 

Prepare yourself for either response and you'll be fine. But you first have to come to grips with yourself and how you can deal with it after the fallout....no matter which way it goes.....does that make sense?

 

As far as the stereotyping with women leaving their men after the man lost everything......a wise man would be prepared and at peace with himself knowing that his best investment is in himself.

[Craig]

Originally posted by MiamiMami

How in the world would a PI know what my boyfriend's intentions are? I know his finances as far as how much he makes, what he spends it on. How could a PI know the reason behind why he is with me?

 

That seems far-fetched but I'm curious if something like that could be possible? Do you have experience or specific knowledge about it? That sounds like something too good to be true, like being able to read someone's mind!!!!

 

Wouldn't I have already heard about it if something as simple as hiring someone to find out someone else's true intentions were possible? Wouldn't it be common? Who wouldn't do it? Sorry for all these questions! I'm a little surprised by this suggestion.

MiamiMami, a capable PI firm will have the people on staff that are very good at creating situations where the s.o. will talk or act in a way that can reveal a lot. How your s.o. talks about you when you aren't around and how your s.o. acts when you aren't around can show his true feelings/love/respect/etc. toward you.

 

Usually PI firms specializing in infidelity have people like this on their staff. Good ones have skills in getting people to talk that most people can not imagine. I've seen them in action as someone I used to know did this for a living. Your s.o. will never know he's been PI'd unless you tell him.

[goodapples]

Cut the money off and blame your "new accountant." This situation is not helping your low self esteem. Take charge of this situation and don't be afraid to lose him-- if you do, it will be good riddance and in enough time to salvage your money and the rest of your life. Good luck.

[MiamiMami]

when you go out with him either to eat or to buy stuff for him, go to 99 cent store or a cheap place to eat. Do that more as often as you can. In addition to that, you should complain about the gas price. don't wear expensive clothe either

iamyouranswer, I do use coupons and save where I can to make my dollar stretch. I prefer Pizza Hut to a gourmet pizza. I go to Ralphs where they double my coupons and buy candles from the 99 cent store. The same ones cost at least twice as much at Target. Also, I do and always will bitch about gas prices. If I stop wearing nice clothes, I will start posting here that I feel more unattractive and that'll create another problem. My self esteem is low as it is. My bf is ok with all this, but I won't hold back buying $100+ bottles of wine

 

That said, I have 4 options thanks to you guys:

1) Pretend I'm going broke and see how he responds and reacts over time.

2) Stop spending money on him.

3) Tell him my fear and risk ruining our relationship or at least tainting it if he is in fact not in it for the money.

4) Hire a PI. I contacted one this afternoon (They charge $3500 upfront and $950/day plus .50 cents/mile of driving ). It seems creepy and wrong to do that though, like I'm invading his privacy and trust and cheating on him.

 

Let me know what number above you all vote on and I'll decide based on the response if at least 5 people vote. Thanks.

[Craig]

MiamiMami, I have to apologize to you. I got side tracked by the money thing. After reading and re-reading the posts I agree with the posters that said it could be your self esteem issues. So I retract everything I said and now am suggesting as others have that you alone go for counselling regarding your self esteem.

 

As your relationship with yourself improves I think that what you need to do, if anything, with your b.f. will become clear.

 

I vote against 1, 2, 3 and 4 for the time being.

[moimeme]

That is another good question - how do you know FOR SURE if the person you are with REALLY loves you, despite what they say and do to try to show you? How do you really really know? Is there some kind of a "test"?

 

Yes. How he acts towards you and time. If he's great to you and is so for years, then he loves you. There's no substitute for time.

 

almost all women will leave their man if he loses everything....that is a fact of life.

 

As usual, BS. SOME women will leave their men but certainly not 'almost all'. People who don't hang with shallow people know this.

 

Simplyconfused, you make an interesting point that if he wants to break up with me over small issues that it may in fact indicate that he loves me otherwise he would overlook those things.

 

That's nuts. That's not love at all. That would be infatuation that needs to see the other as 'perfect' and that can't stand dealing with a real relationship.

 

I would suggest hiring a PI. Not to follow him around and try to trick him but to do a background check. Has he a history of dating rich women? Has he got any sort of criminal record? Why is he so broke? Stuff like that. Are you going to be paying for him forever or is he working his way back to financial solvency? Is he so unskilled he can't get any sort of decent job? What took all his money in the first place? Being broke isn't a crime but it can be a result of deeper problems.

 

Every guy I've taken up with has had less $ than me. The first one wanted to be a minister. He graduated university, got a good job, and we made $ together. A couple others were broke because of their own bad lifestyles and/or bad choices. If he's an alcoholic or is terrible with money then these are serious problems you don't need to deal with. A PI can unearth the truth of the matter for you.

 

Once you know why he's in the situation he's in and what the likelihood is that he'll always depend on you, if any, you'll be in a better position to decide whether you want to deal with him still.

[iamyouranswer]

MiamiMami,

 

I would not recommend you to choose your fourth option because

 

1-It costs money. I don't trust PI at all. They can tell you that they go here and there and that is why it costs you that much of money when they only go 1 place. Some of PI can play double agent game. I mean they can play with you and your boyfriend and get money from both of you. Keep this in mind.

 

2- The relationship should be based on TRUST. If there is a question of trust between you and him, there must be another way to handle it. Hiring PI can be costly and will not do any good in the future. Besides, you should know your boyfriend really good at this point. What does this PI provide you things that you don't know.? money or his NEW girlfriend.?

 

3-Let assume that you hired PI who did his work for you ok.? if everything turns out to be OK and you marry him, he will be very pisseddddddddddd if he discovered what you did to him. I'm sure your relationship won't go anywhere.

 

4-1 thing that i have learned in my life is I never tell people what I have and I always want them to know what I want them to know NOT what they really want to know what I have. You see a huge different there.?

 

Your problem was you told him you have this and that. That is the reason why you are in this current situation. Anyway, it is not really important at this point. You have to accept it and learn from it.

 

your first,second,or third option seems to be OK

[Mz. Pixie]

MM-

 

There is a lady who posts here I think her screen name is lynnspies who is a PI.

Maybe if you PM her she could give you some ideas?

[MiamiMami]

Still trying to decide what exactly to do so I'm not iffy about it and will commit to it.

 

The PI thing just FEELS like I'd be cheating and being dishonest to check his personal life. You know the saying not to do to others what you don't want done to you. I would be a little ticked if someone investigated me, especially if I loved them, behind my back so the whole idea has to sink in.

 

Craig, you think it's my self-esteem issues...I know they're very low, I'm trying to determine if that is the cause of my concerns.

 

goodapples - I like your post in that it seems empowering to take control, be broke blaming it on my accountant, stop spending a dime and just see if I'll lose him.

 

I think the bottom line in all the options is I have a fear that the outcome will result in something I'd rather not find out, like he really is using me. He is so much better looking than me, I don't see any other reason than money why he'd be with me even though he SAYS it's for my inside.

 

Still need to do some thinking . Am appreciating everyone's feedback and posts.

[Craig]

Originally posted by MiamiMami

Craig, you think it's my self-esteem issues...I know they're very low, I'm trying to determine if that is the cause of my concerns.

MM, I don't know if you have self esteem issues but working on yourself with a counsellor will give you insights into yourself and you'll probably be able to decide on your own what YOU want to do about your relationship instead of making a decision based on an Internet poll of strangers that do not know your entire situation. Only you know the details of your relationship and only you can make a decision about what to do.

 

I don't see any other reason than money why he'd be with me even though he SAYS it's for my inside.

Trust me when I tell you that not all guys are in a relationship because of the way a woman looks and/or how much money she has.

[dasads6690]

MiamiMami,

Honestly I think the money is partly why he's with you.

He's asking you to buy him things.Did he change to you

when you told him,about having money? Did he then

start asking you to buy things for him because you told

him? When ever anyone has money etc. a prenup is

a great idea & if your love refuses that they would sign

one,I think that should be the alert signal.I have

demanded one to be done to cover my love.I have

nothing but I don't wish to gain from him either.

MiamiMami,think you could find someone that doesn't

want you to buy things but treasure you for you & be

happy with what you do buy to spoil them.

MiamiMami don't EVER write about in figures of money

you have to on net.Anyone could target you as an easy

catch.Just looking out for you,I wish you well.

Das.

[dasads6690]

MMami-I think you should check on him now/not past so much.Don't

feel bad to it,funny cos I email my guy friend about this topic recently.

You are the one that needs to double check his motives,honestly

as I told my guy friend-if I was in same position I wouldn't

hestitate to hire PI.If you have one to follow him around you can get

an idea of what he's saying about you/money/if he's being faithful.

With what you have, absolutely get on on his tail.Then you make

a decision,based on what you find out.E.G.If he's talking like you are

his money machine ditch him.

Das.

[iamyouranswer]

a REAL man will never ask his lady to buy him this and that.

[Mary3]

How much money does he make ?

 

You mentioned he was very handsome and would *mess* with you in order to manipulate you into doing what he wanted

 

What kind of romantic history do you have yourself ? Users ? or nice guys previously ?

 

This could very well be an * opportunist * who is like a shark waiting in the water to bite your leg off...Protect your legs and your wallet

[MiamiMami]

Mary3, in the past I have always been with very nice guys - dependable, honest, trustworthy, average looks.

 

Now I am with someone who is VERY good looking and this makes me feel very insecure and I am always wonderin why he is with me, but he says it is for my insides - we get along great and enjoy being together.

 

I can't place my finger on what it is that makes me skeptical. I feel like thee are things about him I don't know maybe but then I wonder if it is all in my head and I should be happy he's in my life.

 

He used to make a very good living but a few weeks ago lost his job. He still spends a lot of money and I know he had not saved much from what he had told me, so I wonder where he gets/got the money from.

 

I haven't been spending much on him lately and so far he hasn't comoplained or said anything about it...The thought that he might be a shark scares me. After all, you hear so many horror stories and it's not like they let their victim know that they are being a preditor. That concerns me that as intuitive as I am, maybe because of my insecurities blurring my judgement, I just cannot make him out

 

Das, my only concern with the PI is if he finds out about it that would be terrible. The fact that it would be terrible if he finds out also tells me that it is something wrong to do, but on the other hand it would answer a lot of questions so I am in a state of confusion.

[twalkoe]

Hey MiamiMiami,

 

I've read through just about all of the posts...skipping only a few.

 

I'd personally like to know more, sorry if these are redundant questions.

 

How old are you...how old is he.

 

Your dating/marriage history...his dating/marriage history.

 

Any children?

 

Living together?

 

Incase you decide not to get back with me. All I can say is this. Men have been supporting women for decades. At one point in time it was only proper that they man bring home the money and the lady stay at home whether they had kids or not! They were the bread winners and now the times are changing. There is nothing wrong with a woman making more money than a man and him relying on her a bit for financial support. If you were a man and the roles here were reversed, we probably wouldn't even be having this conversation.

 

If your gut instincts say that something is funky...then layoff...don't lend him large amounts of money that you don't know what they're for. Let him go through the natural grieving process of losing a job, but don't let that process be 8 months long where you are paying his bills forever. If you can afford to help him out a little...do it...you love him. If that feels too "generous" then have him sign something informal of a promise to pay.

 

And last but not least...if he's not breaking the bank would you please...please...go out, doll yourself up and have a great time!!! You have a hotty on your arm and you need to show him off! Maybe you have the one last good guy where everything is NOT about looks! And remember...he may be hot now, but he won't always look like that so make sure he's a guy you can hang with even when he's gray and wrinkly!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Here's a suggestion: Why don't u help him with his money? Teach him how to stretch HIS dollar, not yours. Next time he asks for something, ask him why he can't afford it, or suggest he save up for it, and question his financial situation instead of offering yours.

 

If he does turn his financial situation around, and is still around then he loves you for you. If he came into his own money and doesnt 'need you anymore, then you will know that's all it was about. Of course, this could take a long time.

 

I like the excuse (rather than lie), that your accountant has advised you to invest more and spend less.

[Mary3]

Please GO WITH your GUT instinct !

 

Its there for a reason.

 

You see this is where women wonder how they ended up with the shark ; because they often IGNORE the signs and when things aren't so pretty anymore...when his charm is gone and so is he...We often wonder " Wha ???"

 

But it was RIGHT THERE ALL ALONG ! Pay attention to your gut instincts....