Is a D-Day avoidable in a LTA?

[RoseVille]

Absolutely take what resonates with you.

But at least read it all.

 

 

 

I was referring to the post where you reported he said they were planning a happy vacation within earshot.

 

 

 

That's on you.

 

 

 

Ok...you're gonna hate me for this. Prolly not the best way to get you to read that which is forthcoming huh?

 

 

 

This was not even a month ago (for some reason multi-quote isnt working).

Im not certain Iwould believe his, 30 days ago telling you you are the "escape" to now being truly and deeply confused about his M, is...entirely honest.

 

 

 

Here, per you, he admits he is feeding you a distorted view - which is obvious. So please, please take a more reserved stance when fully trusting and believing what he tells you. He's already told you he is whitewashing it. Believe him.

 

 

 

How noble. Wait, no it isnt. Its bologna. Kids don't need married parents - they need involved parents. What this is, IME, is setting you up with the worlds most powerful excuse - his kids.

 

 

 

Sure he does. He doesn't know he "has" you so he feels a need to lie. To keep you on the hook. To keep his escape available.

 

Rose, whether you believe it or not, I'm putting my money on not, I really want a good ending for you. And good ending here is really "minimize the pain". I am not seeing anything that says he isn't simply another bored MM looking for some excitement. And you end up paying the price.

 

Take a step back and use that brain of yours.

 

I'm reading this, but I'm not following the point as it relates to the OP, or this thread.

 

Right now, I don't want it to end. I don't. I understand allllllllllll the arguments in favor of ending the A. Really. I'm smarter than you give me credit for. They just don't outweigh the reasons why I'm choosing to be in it RIGHT NOW.

 

And I say that even as he's clearly hurting from whatever he's struggling with and weighing personally, even as he's noticeably pulled away from me today.

[minime13]

I don't disagree with anyone you said in this post here. Your post earlier today is still wrong, as you actually misquoted me.

 

And thread counting is silly, IMO. Stop trying to shame me for posting.

 

I'm not shaming you, I'm just giving an example of my opinion.

[RoseVille]

Rose,

 

I'm still batting for you. I think you are getting some confusing and unfair info here, folks trying to tell you what you think, what you should believe, and what you should do.

 

I could argue to offer some ideas and thoughts.... but YOU have to make up your own mind on where things are going.

 

You said, you're happy with the status quo, and I believe you.

You also said that you may change your mind... that's your right. With you.

You also said he is not happy with his marriage. I believe you. If he was, he wouldn't be with you.

You also said there are still some unknowns... absolutely, and often are with situations like this.

 

No relationship is perfect, and we all come here for advise, ideas and thought on how to improve out situation, and that's what you have done.

 

Yes, you probably need to find out a bit more on his thinking, but if you like, just enjoy the time with him. You'll find the right time to tell him all of your feelings.

 

I hope we can give you support to help you along. Please keep us posted.

 

Thank you for this.

 

This situation presents a roller coaster, for both of us. Highs and lows, for both of us. Anyone who's ever been through an A knows that's how it goes, so to challenge the sincerity or truth behind my or his feelings because they are up and down is really puzzling. I know how I feel RIGHT NOW, and RIGHT NOW I don't want it to end, at least not insofar as not seeing him anymore. I'd love for it to end insofar as his M ends and we're free to explore a FTR, but I don't think that's going to happen soon, even with the crisis stage his marriage is in.

 

But RIGHT NOW, I am fine. It's not ideal, but ideal isn't the standard for being okay with things as they are.

[RoseVille]

I'm not shaming you, I'm just giving an example of my opinion.

 

And if you've read through all my threads you'll see that's it's my attempt to understand the inner workings of As and why WS think and feel the way they do. The gross majority of them are not about ME.

[MissBee]

Thank you for this.

 

This situation presents a roller coaster, for both of us. Highs and lows, for both of us. Anyone who's ever been through an A knows that's how it goes, so to challenge the sincerity or truth behind my or his feelings because they are up and down is really puzzling. I know how I feel RIGHT NOW, and RIGHT NOW I don't want it to end, at least not insofar as not seeing him anymore. I'd love for it to end insofar as his M ends and we're free to explore a FTR, but I don't think that's going to happen soon, even with the crisis stage his marriage is in.

 

But RIGHT NOW, I am fine. It's not ideal, but ideal isn't the standard for being okay with things as they are.

 

To be fair, your thread title and initial post asked about long term affairs and if it could go on without a dday.

 

I think "right now" and "long term" require very different considerations.

 

I already mentioned in one of my other posts in the thread that my exAP's favorite line when I tried to speak about long-term ramifications and the logistics of an actual plan for the future was to simply say: "I don't know what will happen but RIGHT NOW I want you in my life." I hated that. I felt like the whole "right now" thing was simply a way of not having to look realistically at the prospect of the future and concrete plans by just acting like "right now" was all that mattered.

 

I more or less said all my thoughts in previous posts, particularly that I recognize some of your thought patterns (which rightly may seem contradictory and confusing to others), having both lived it and having a friend who currently is living it...and it's my humble opinion that just because someone says they are happy, if you see contradictory evidence it's not out of bounds to think that they may be fooling themselves. We must all know someone at some point who was clearly fooling themselves or saying things that made no sense and one minute it was one thing and the next another and we can recognize bargaining and denial and all of that in others, maybe not ourselves, but we're all attuned to inconsistencies and have experience with it sometimes meaning people aren't being honest or at best are confused. But I also conceded that people will fool themselves if they want to and you can't stop them from doing so, so you let them do what they want and they'll learn or not.

 

In any event though, I do think that "right now" and "long-term" are again two different things as well as being in love versus it being simply a FWB scenario. Since you asked about long term As, you seem to be already thinking of how you can sign up for years of an A (not sure what long term means for you but for me it's at least 3 years or more)...that said, "right now" isn't compatible with "years from now," so as you decide to rekindle this relationship, don't be like my exAP who tried to avoid reality and future plans by saying "Shhh...let's just worry about now":rolleyes: for your own heart and emotions and simply time you can't get back in life I'd weigh what I ultimately really want and if the situation can provide it and if doing it "right now" is more beneficial than not. I know you're going back into the A with him, so my point isn't to tell you not to,but what I will advise is that you check-in with yourself regularly about things as "right nows" add up and make sure that while you're in the now, you don't find yourself in a holding pattern for 5 years that you didn't even realize you were in.

 

To your original question: the longer you're in an A the more chances for you to have a dday (I don't remember if you ever addressed the point about MM wanting to pull away because he was already getting sloppy and how that meshed with your new-found certainty that you'd never be caught because you all were so careful..this to me is an example of when it's okay for other people to point out contradictory evidence to say that maybe what the person is saying is them fooling themselves and not necessarily the product of sound reasoning...intelligence is unrelated to how people get when they are emotionally invested in romantic relationships, believe me ). If you're already planning for the long haul of secrecy, well I think you have to switch gears to those logistics, pros, cons and again balance the actual difference between "right now" and "LTA."

Edited June 2, 2015 by MissBee

[OldRover]

To be fair, your thread title and initial post asked about long term affairs and if it could go on without a dday.

 

I think "right now" and "long term" require very different considerations.

 

I already mentioned in one of my other posts in the thread that my exAP's favorite line when I tried to speak about long-term ramifications and the logistics of an actual plan for the future was to simply say: "I don't know what will happen but RIGHT NOW I want you in my life." I hated that. I felt like the whole "right now" thing was simply a way of not having to look realistically at the prospect of the future and concrete plans by just acting like "right now" was all that mattered.

 

I more or less said all my thoughts in previous posts, particularly that I recognize some of your thought patterns (which rightly may seem contradictory and confusing to others), having both lived it and having a friend who currently is living it...and it's my humble opinion that just because someone says they are happy, if you see contradictory evidence it's not out of bounds to think that they may be fooling themselves. We must all know someone at some point who was clearly fooling themselves or saying things that made no sense and one minute it was one thing and the next another and we can recognize bargaining and denial and all of that in others, maybe not ourselves, but we're all attuned to inconsistencies and have experience with it sometimes meaning people aren't being honest or at best are confused. But I also conceded that people will fool themselves if they want to and you can't stop them from doing so, so you let them do what they want and they'll learn or not.

 

In any event though, I do think that "right now" and "long-term" are again two different things as well as being in love versus it being simply a FWB scenario. Since you asked about long term As, you seem to be already thinking of how you can sign up for years of an A (not sure what long term means for you but for me it's at least 3 years or more)...that said, "right now" isn't compatible with "years from now," so as you decide to rekindle this relationship, don't be like my exAP who tried to avoid reality and future plans by saying "Shhh...let's just worry about now":rolleyes: for your own heart and emotions and simply time you can't get back in life I'd weigh what I ultimately really want and if the situation can provide it and if doing it "right now" is more beneficial than not. I know you're going back into the A with him, so my point isn't to tell you not to,but what I will advise is that you check-in with yourself regularly about things as "right nows" add up and make sure that while you're in the now, you don't find yourself in a holding pattern for 5 years that you didn't even realize you were in.

 

To your original question: the longer you're in an A the more chances for you to have a dday (I don't remember if you ever addressed the point about MM wanting to pull away because he was already getting sloppy and how that meshed with your new-found certainty that you'd never be caught because you all were so careful..this to me is an example of when it's okay for other people to point out contradictory evidence to say that maybe what the person is saying is them fooling themselves and not necessarily the product of sound reasoning...intelligence is unrelated to how people get when they are emotionally invested in romantic relationships, believe me ). If you're already planning for the long haul of secrecy, well I think you have to switch gears to those logistics, pros, cons and again balance the actual difference between "right now" and "LTA."

 

MissBee,

 

You make some very good points, logical and I believe your intent is to be helpful and give good info.

 

We know that Rose's situation is not perfect.... we don't know what the extent of her MM has in store for the future, but none the less, looking at the whole situation, it seems like Rose and the MM could be a great couple. However, the jury is still out, and brings uncertainties.

 

I wish the best for all.