BS shame / Revelation terror

[merrmeade]

I know you don't want this to be a stay or leave discussion on this thread. I told my H I wanted a divorce last week. I saw a lawyer yesterday. There are a lot of horrible feelings that go with it, I won't lie. But it is like a million pound weight of resentment of both myself and my husband has been lifted. So much anger gone. I have no idea what the heck I'm going to do, I'm a sahm, we don't have much money or assets, I don't have a place to live...but I realized there will always be an excuse I just can't do it yet. And the longer I held on the more I hated myself. Am I crazy? Maybe!! I am kind of religious, idk if you are, but I put trust in that God is looking out for me, and so far from the support I have gotten, he is a million times over. Me being my whole self is more important than what troubles may lie ahead. I couldn't be that being with my H. Maybe you can, I know many strong people who can do that. Don't lose the beautiful woman that Merrmeade is tho. I wish you all the best and big big hugs ❤

This is a beautiful post. I wish YOU all the best and gigantic hugs.

 

And nvm, it always does get to be a stay or leave discussion. It's no one's fault. It's what it is and I don't think anything can make it better.

 

But it makes me happy to think about you. Thank you for telling me.

[Spark1111]

I've NEVER perceived you as a victim, but your H is and with lifelong victimhood comes narcissism; My cold uncaring parent is worse than your's: My childhood was a scarier nightmare than your childhood. My physical problems are unlike anyone else's.

 

It is both a shame and a sword for them. Sympathy from strangers

becomes the mother's love they never got enough of. Our love could never be enough. they need an endless supply of admiration from others.

 

And yet we all know people with horrible childhoods, terrible marriages and severe physical issues that would never cheat. So for many of us, this does not compute.

 

We try to apply our rationale to the irrational actions of someone we loved; thought better of. Even worse, trusted not to betray us and believed, albeit naively, that red flags would go poof...hoping, hoping, hoping they would be the partner we hoped they would be....and were betrayed agian.

 

Like an addict oh so comfortable in their victimhood, he does not want to analyze or introspect; he just wants to avoid. Step one. Why isn't that enough for you, he questions?

 

I understand the shame in reconciling with such a weak, not introspecting person who lacks the courage to introspect their hurtful actions beyond promising to be a good boy, good girl, going forward.

 

And here is the bottom line:

 

It is your life, your marriage, your heart, your family, your legacy and your future. F! Shame!

 

Only you can decide what decision will work best for your choice going forward; not the counselor, the community, the family. Only you.

 

And there is NO shame in owning one's choices.

[BetrayedH]

Merrmeade, I typed a long and thoughtful reply that was lost to cyberspace with the ominous and cryptic error message that my "token had expired."

 

I'm afraid it's nearly midnight and I don't have it in me to duplicate the post with so many early morning responsibilities ahead of me.

 

For the time being, let me say that I think velvette had two excellent posts here.

 

One was about not blaming yourself for not knowing what to do with that first discovery many years ago. Frankly, I wouldn't have thought much either if my spouse had simply rebuffed the advances of a person sharing too much personal drama and making a pass. And you certainly didn't have your PhD in Infidelity back then.

 

The other post was about mandating IC for your husband. He may not be fixed today, but by God, if you're going to stick around then he's going to be working on it.

 

My best to you, Merrmeade. You know I love you to death. I'll be back when I can give the attention to this subject that you deserve.

 

Oh, and you might be right that I need more guy friends.

[merrmeade]

On looking back, I think that a big gap in my recovery after Dday was the lack of any support whatsoever. With all the traveling and moving around, there was NO one to listen, advise or just talk to. My husband had everyone's sympathy. He was the sick one and the one I'd left to go abroad. When I did tell a cousin, that's what I got back: Why did I leave him there? SIL/OW even gave that me that line. (as if I was responsible for their bullsh-t) At no time did it ever occur to me to out him or just freak out in anger. I pushed down and mulled.

 

Then he trickle-truthed a little more and a little more and it was another year, getting the rest of our life story. Nevermind the question of staying or leaving. Nothing could have talked me out of staying ONLY to get the whole story.

 

Then I HAD to deal with the clueless and cloying SIL/OW.

 

Now, I'm past all that. Told my other brother. And I'm ready for get on with my life. But to be getting support, understanding, insight at this time makes me realize what it would have meant AND that what I did get was a more like abuse (my cousin, SIL, WH).

 

No wonder I'm slow.

[sandylee1]

I think one of the reasons you just can't forget it and be okay is that your H (from what you've said ) hasn't been truly remorseful. The resistance to IC is just one example. Had he done all the heavy lifting, made you feel cherished, been extremely grateful for you reconciling it still may not be enough, but it would be a good start.

 

We humans cannot forget anything this hurtful just like that. No matter how much IC you receive, you won't be able to put all the affairs and trauma in a box.

 

You don't need to tell anyone about the affairs. You and he know the truth. The only time I would say more, would be if he starts telling the kids you're leaving for no good reason or trying to blame you.

 

You can still be grandparents living seperately. It's much easier than coparenting.

 

I would like to share this with you Mermeade. ....

 

There was a woman whose husband was terminally ill and had just weeks left. He was a serial cheater throughout their 33 year marriage and she stayed through it. She was now very bitter that she'd have to say great things in his eulogy, because no one else knew anything about the cheating. She was going through turmoil and mostly annoyed with herself for staying but lots of the infidelity happened before things like the Internet or boards like LS.

 

She would still have had to get over the infidelity even if she left, but now she felt she'd wasted so many years with him, when she could have had a fresh start with someone else. Having to hear people say what a great man he was, with deep sympathy for loosing him was more than she could handle.

 

You've been through so much and you keep it together. You have a kind heart.

 

Bless you.

[SolG]

Mer, We live in an expendable, consumer age that has eked into the realm of relationships. Oh, that one's broken, order a new one stat. Add to that the emancipation of women and freedom from reliance on men, and every man woman and dog expects you to bail at the slightest hint of impectfection. And God forbid you should stick around after such a sucking mortal wound of a flaw as infidelity! Why would you do that? WTF is wrong with you?!

 

Well, here's what's wrong with you. You have courage and commitment. You believe in redemption and love. You believe in family and responsibility. You belive in hope. You believe that broken does not automatically equal irreparable or dispensable. You are like the General who knows in his waters that the loss of a battle, or even battles, does not necessarily signify the loss of the war. You are tenacious through your pain.

 

I trust you will know when the war is turning; either for or against you. And knowingly act accordingly.

 

There is no shame in that. Although I know you feel it.

 

I admire you.

[fellini]

Personally I disagree with a mandate to IC. MC maybe, IC no.

 

First of all, if my WS needs IC to be "fixed", then i want her a) to make that assessment without having to be told, and b) take complete charge of finding the right IC and sticking with it. Im just not convinced you can fix someone FORCING them. I want them to want to go, not because they have a "gun" on their back.

 

Secondly. what goes on in IC stays in IC. The IC works on what is best for the client, which is not necessarily the marriage.

 

The thing is when you send someone to IC you can't exactly ask for "updates" about what was going on there. One thing is privacy, another is secrecy. IC is about privacy. Oh sure some things can and will be shared. But other things will not. And when someone has been forced into IC as a condition starts to hide things they consider, or worse, can hide behind calling them private (which makes sense) then we are back to encouraging patterns we don't want.

 

Thirdly, as a BS I want the focus to be on the visible, what goes on at home. I cannot pass off my work onto someone who is not going to be part of my decision.

 

My WW and I went to MC. She lied to the therapist about things in her affair, so I stopped MC. She decided to continue but in IC (Same therapist). At some point she stopped. She was angry at him because she was determined (as you want to hope your H is) to "fix" her marriage. But the therapist presented her with a thought that she could not accept, "maybe you shouldn't be with your husband". so she gave up. If a WS is going to pick and choose which things they agree with, which truths they tell, which stories they promote and which they hide, and you cannot be there to experience all of this, I cannot see how forcing IC is a solution to anything. MC maybe.

Edited May 30, 2015 by fellini

[merrmeade]

omg, I just realized this whole time I've been using the wrong acronym for my WH. He is NOT a BH. How come no one called me on it? I did this from the very first post and wonder how long I've been doing it....

 

Was anyone confused by this?

[sandylee1]

omg, I just realized this whole time I've been using the wrong acronym for my WH. He is NOT a BH. How come no one called me on it? I did this from the very first post and wonder how long I've been doing it....

 

Was anyone confused by this?

 

Don't worry. We knew what you meant as we know your situation.

[merrmeade]

Personally I disagree with a mandate to IC. MC maybe, IC no.

 

First of all, if my WS needs IC to be "fixed", then i want her a) to make that assessment without having to be told, and b) take complete charge of finding the right IC and sticking with it. Im just not convinced you can fix someone FORCING them. I want them to want to go, not because they have a "gun" on their back.

 

Secondly. what goes on in IC stays in IC. The IC works on what is best for the client, which is not necessarily the marriage.

 

The thing is when you send someone to IC you can't exactly ask for "updates" about what was going on there. One thing is privacy, another is secrecy. IC is about privacy. Oh sure some things can and will be shared. But other things will not. And when someone has been forced into IC as a condition starts to hide things they consider, or worse, can hide behind calling them private (which makes sense) then we are back to encouraging patterns we don't want.

 

Thirdly, as a BS I want the focus to be on the visible, what goes on at home. I cannot pass off my work onto someone who is not going to be part of my decision.

 

My WW and I went to MC. She lied to the therapist about things in her affair, so I stopped MC. She decided to continue but in IC (Same therapist). At some point she stopped. She was angry at him because she was determined (as you want to hope your H is) to "fix" her marriage. But the therapist presented her with a thought that she could not accept, "maybe you shouldn't be with your husband". so she gave up. If a WS is going to pick and choose which things they agree with, which truths they tell, which stories they promote and which they hide, and you cannot be there to experience all of this, I cannot see how forcing IC is a solution to anything. MC maybe.

Interesting perspective. About as real as it gets. I also agree that forcing someone, who does not feel a personal need to do IC, is not a good investment.

 

My reality is it would take months to break my WH and years to fix. He's not interested in paying for it. There's no point.

 

MC I might consider again.

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally I disagree with a mandate to IC. MC maybe, IC no.

 

First of all, if my WS needs IC to be "fixed", then i want her a) to make that assessment without having to be told, and b) take complete charge of finding the right IC and sticking with it. Im just not convinced you can fix someone FORCING them. I want them to want to go, not because they have a "gun" on their back.

 

Secondly. what goes on in IC stays in IC. The IC works on what is best for the client, which is not necessarily the marriage.

 

The thing is when you send someone to IC you can't exactly ask for "updates" about what was going on there. One thing is privacy, another is secrecy. IC is about privacy. Oh sure some things can and will be shared. But other things will not. And when someone has been forced into IC as a condition starts to hide things they consider, or worse, can hide behind calling them private (which makes sense) then we are back to encouraging patterns we don't want.

 

Thirdly, as a BS I want the focus to be on the visible, what goes on at home. I cannot pass off my work onto someone who is not going to be part of my decision.

 

My WW and I went to MC. She lied to the therapist about things in her affair, so I stopped MC. She decided to continue but in IC (Same therapist). At some point she stopped. She was angry at him because she was determined (as you want to hope your H is) to "fix" her marriage. But the therapist presented her with a thought that she could not accept, "maybe you shouldn't be with your husband". so she gave up. If a WS is going to pick and choose which things they agree with, which truths they tell, which stories they promote and which they hide, and you cannot be there to experience all of this, I cannot see how forcing IC is a solution to anything. MC maybe.

 

Understand what you're saying but don't agree with the underlying theory. I wouldn't want the future health and success of my marriage resting on the "fixing" efforts of someone broken enough to engage in (multiple) affairs in the first place. Think of the common personality traits of WS - deception, blame shifting, conflict avoidance, selfishness, short-sighted, denial, etc. Do any of those say "healing" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[velvette]

omg, I just realized this whole time I've been using the wrong acronym for my WH. He is NOT a BH. How come no one called me on it? I did this from the very first post and wonder how long I've been doing it....

 

Was anyone confused by this?

 

Ha...I didn't notice it, but, I will play devils advocate.

 

 

Was there any Freudian slippage at play here? Do you feel that you have betrayed your H in any way?

 

 

Rhetorical question. Don't feel compelled to answer here.

[fellini]

Understand what you're saying but don't agree with the underlying theory. I wouldn't want the future health and success of my marriage resting on the "fixing" efforts of someone broken enough to engage in (multiple) affairs in the first place. Think of the common personality traits of WS - deception, blame shifting, conflict avoidance, selfishness, short-sighted, denial, etc. Do any of those say "healing" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The underlying logic is if the person is that brocken, there isnt a marriage to fix. If the OP believes in her marriage, and believes in her wayward husbands commitment to start again, then IC is not the key ingredient. IC is not going to change this man if he doesnt want to change. That's pretty self evident.

 

If I thought that what went on in IC was fundamental to him not cheating again, I'd say she is putting all her eggs in the wrong basket. She must be seeing something NOW at home that has allowed her to believe there is hope in the marriage. This is the same place where she is going to make her final decision to stay. Im not saying he couldn't use IC, Im saying you can lead a horse to water.

 

And in this case if he is reluctant to even see that he has issues, which is what she is saying is actually the case, then sending him to IC is a waste of time and money.

 

I completely backed off of my spouse pushing her to find someone to talk about her narcissistic tendencies, to see if perhaps they are too strong, too demanding of her. I stopped thinking she had to go to IC to fix herself. I wanted her to make that entire decision herself. And when she started setting up appointments, I thought OKAY, now she has taken the initiative on her own to look into herself. This goes a lot further in rebuilding trust that the we are on the same page, than if I had said, "either you go to a therapist, or our marriage is over".

Edited May 30, 2015 by fellini

[merrmeade]

Understand what you're saying but don't agree with the underlying theory. I wouldn't want the future health and success of my marriage resting on the "fixing" efforts of someone broken enough to engage in (multiple) affairs in the first place. Think of the common personality traits of WS - deception, blame shifting, conflict avoidance, selfishness, short-sighted, denial, etc. Do any of those say "healing" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky, you may need to change your name. No suggestions but just want to say you've got my attention. I've been sitting up and blinking - a lot - since your previous post. You're seldom that strong. I appreciate the clarity of your position, each one, weighing in these last two posts. It feels like my mother's quiet, seething indignation on my behalf. (I've always wondered if she knew anything and couldn't bring herself to tell me...)

 

You've nailed it. Here's a telling anecdote in line with your observation: The story of WH's A with SIL2 (his brother's wife of 25 yrs/formerly my WH's secretary) was the hardest for him to tell me and the last. His biggest shame though probably his biggest fear of getting out to others. Anyway, when he finally eked out the first few TT drops about it, I asked him whether they had intercourse and probably other things. This was 1 yr after what I call dDay (A with SIL1) and countless ultimatums. I noticed he made a point to sit close, facing me, fix his face on mine and hold his eyes open unnaturally wide, looking straight at me (as he bold-faced lied). 6 mos later he told the truth that they had (had intercourse once - fyi: now he's consistent so it's probably correct). As usual, he divulged this in an intense, almost explosive comment. He didn't come right out but shouted, "What do you think?!" (It's always like that. 1-line confession angrily blurted after an hour of 'conversation.') So this was a clear contradiction of what he'd said 6 mos earlier, staring at me in an attempt to fool me with his - literally - wide-eyed honesty.

 

By then, I'd read a lot of articles on lie detection from body language, etc. One thing I read was that people erroneously assume that someone will blink or look askance when they're lying and that bad liars try to use this simple trick to advantage. For example, someone might "sit close, facing me, fix his face on mine and hold his eyes open unnaturally wide, looking straight at me (as he bold-faced lied)."

 

I held him accountable and pointed this out later, being very specific about the not blinking, effort to look straight into my eyes. His body language communicated corroboration.

 

It shook me to my core. Not that he'd lied but that he had no apology or shame about THAT. The only 'bad' thing was that he'd actually fked her.

 

Then, 1 entire year later, I said I wanted to talk to her b/c I hadn't been. We live in the same town and I've avoided her and his brother for 2 yrs, mostly bc of WH's confession but also bc of the brother's recent complaints about me that family didn't understand but ignored bc he's so irascible anyway. They actually fear his temper could be violent and credit wifey with keeping him civilized.

 

Anyway, I didn't ignore being bad-mouthed behind my back to the other siblings. It bothered me. I didn't deserve it and I did not hate or judge his brother. In fact, I saw him as a decent, loyal son, brother and husband, simple but faithful, and had told him so. It was a mystery. So anyway, I told WH I wanted to talk to SIL2 and clear things up, THINKING that Bro does not know about hers and WH's A, right? Wh straight out, no emotion, succinctly nips this impulse in the bud with, "He knows. She told him before they got married."

 

So, shock. Gulp. Whaaaaat? Okay then: TT # (whatever - 26 or something). A few questions. Straight answers because there's much at stake for him again: Bro said to him that SIL/OW had told him about WH. She'd said she wanted him to know before they married (they'd been living together for several yrs). I assume that they discussed that the next step would be Bro telling WH this. And that was it. Over. No more discussion between any of the three of them.

 

BUT NO ONE MENTIONED, ASKED ABOUT, OR CONSIDERED WHETHER I NEEDED TO KNOW, LEAST OF ALL WH.

 

I agreed to drop the idea of speaking to SIL/OW at that time (about 9 mos ago) and still have not seen or spoken to either of them. Bro calls WH. They have good relations but my kids avoid him. He's got other issues with them as he's not an easy person to be around or get along with (all the siblings were damaged by the abusive father and distant mother but are still loyal and present for each other). They may also resent his remarks about me, but I don't influence them. Bro may assume I do. Dunno.

 

So I'm actually going here with this: I'm thinking again about contacting SIL2/OW, asking her to meet me somewhere to talk, maybe revealing some of what I have to say in an email. The reason is that I want her (them) to know that I did NOT know about her and WH until 9 mos ago. They probably assume WH has the same sense of honor that she and Bro have. IMO they need to know that he did not tell me. I do not want details from her. I do want dates because I need to know, when I look at family snapshots. I want to tell her that I do not hate her. I want to be an equal in the knowledge that is shared between we four.

 

Then, no matter what happens - WH and I continue reconciling, we split, he freaks b/c I actually talked to her - whatever, I can stand a little taller bc I know that they know that I didn't know, and I know ....

 

I realize this is a detour, but hell it's my thread and my detour. It's a natural development.

 

I'd like to know what anyone thinks about that? About talking to SIL2/OW woman to woman.

Edited May 30, 2015 by merrmeade

[velvette]

If it were me, I would talk to your BIL first and assume he may not know.

 

 

I don't see how you can be sure your WH didn't just tell you that he knows to keep you from telling him.

[merrmeade]

If it were me, I would talk to your BIL first and assume he may not know.

 

 

I don't see how you can be sure your WH didn't just tell you that he knows to keep you from telling him.

WH isn't that smart.

[merrmeade]

fyi - WH's and bro's sister died yesterday. BH is executor of the estate; SIL2/OW was encharged with selling off of the property bc that's what she did as a living for university endowments.

 

I'm not worried about WH & SIL2/OW working together. Couldn't care less. I trust her and he knows I'm not stupid any more.

 

But point is it would just be in the worst taste to do this now. I'll wait.

[SoleMate]

But point is it would just be in the worst taste to do this now. I'll wait.

Merrmeade, with greatest gentleness.....whose standard of taste are you applying? Do you personally feel this for yourself? Is there any chance you're semi-consciously applying some presumed third party standard of taste? Because if so, I would urge you to make your OWN call on when anything needs to get done. Life goes on. You have been mired in an extreme situation for far too long. There is no one on this earth who has the jurisdiction or moral standing to tell you how (or how not) to protect yourself.....other than you. YOU make the call. (And my apologies if I judged this one wrong.)

[merrmeade]

fyi - This sordid story makes me relate to the Meryl Streep movie last year "The Women of Osage County" or something like that. Story of shame and secrets from a similar family affair: WH had PA with Streep character's sister years ago. Wh kills himself at start of movie. Streep's daughters and sister's family (husband and son) come home with all their problems, worst being that sister's child, now grown, and Streep character's daughter have fallen in love and must be told they are half-brother and sister.

 

I'm glad my parents died before having to know about any of this. Do you see why I only told my brother about SIL1? And when I did, he said nvm, this didn't change my opinion about [ (WH) ] at all. I already saw him (in an unfavorable light) this way because of my own dealings with him. My brother and mother never liked him, saw through him I guess.

[merrmeade]

Merrmeade, with greatest gentleness.....whose standard of taste are you applying? Do you personally feel this for yourself? Is there any chance you're semi-consciously applying some presumed third party standard of taste? Because if so, I would urge you to make your OWN call on when anything needs to get done. Life goes on. You have been mired in an extreme situation for far too long. There is no one on this earth who has the jurisdiction or moral standing to tell you how (or how not) to protect yourself.....other than you. YOU make the call. (And my apologies if I judged this one wrong.)

My taste. I grieved my brother for real only a few months ago. It's real and deserves some respect and time. Those are my standards.

[RoseVille]

I highly recommend these TED talks by Brene Brown on shame:

 

 

and

 

Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Talk Video | TED.com

 

I never realized how shame could be toxic (or even understood it) until watching these.

 

I was just going to recommend her!

 

She's...amazing. Love love love her work on shame and vulnerability.

[merrmeade]

My taste. I grieved my brother for real only a few months ago. It's real and deserves some respect and time. Those are my standards.

I also knew and loved her (WH's sister).

 

Plus - (1) With all the baggage WH and his siblings carry from their parents, I don't want to open myself up to criticism if I do speak to him or her. (2) This is a volatile time, and the brother cannot handle strong emotions. He becomes a loose cannon. The dead sister actually warned me to stay away from him for my physical safety a couple of times. She couldn't tell me why (because she didn't know) but she felt that his antipathy toward me was such that I could be in danger.

 

WHiCH, btw, was the very reason I first thought of talking to him or her: Because his behavior is so irrational regarding me, perhaps, what she told him puts me at fault somehow. Well, now, duh. Of course, that's it.... Bingo.

 

Damn, when I put it on 'paper,' it's freaking pulp fiction! [Certainly far from anything in my own biological or extended family and nothing I ever expected to 'settle' for in this life.]\

Edited May 30, 2015 by merrmeade

[velvette]

I also knew and loved her (WH's sister).

 

Plus - (1) With all the baggage WH and his siblings carry from their parents, I don't want to open myself up to criticism if I do speak to him or her. (2) This is a volatile time, and the brother cannot handle strong emotions. He becomes a loose cannon. The dead sister actually warned me to stay away from him for my physical safety a couple of times. She couldn't tell me why (because she didn't know) but she felt that his antipathy toward me was such that I could be in danger.

 

WHiCH, btw, was the very reason I first thought of talking to him or her: Because his behavior is so irrational regarding me, perhaps, what she told him puts me at fault somehow. Well, now, duh. Of course, that's it.... Bingo.

 

Damn, when I put it on 'paper,' it's freaking pulp fiction! [Certainly far from anything in my own biological or extended family and nothing I ever expected to 'settle' for in this life.]\

 

 

I don't know the timing of all this. Is it possible he was led to believe you knew before he did and thinks you should have told him sooner than he was told?

 

 

As for the letter, you could write it get it out of your system and let it sit. In my experience, with these types of letters its better to sleep on them anyway so you don't regret saying certain things or omit others or change your mind.

[flowergirl14]

Mermeade,

You know my husband is more than likely a serial cheater. Although I have never caught him . Your gut knows though. I too discovered in 2012. I too did mc and ic. I lived a holy hell for a year and a half. I had hope that he really wouldnt cheat on us again. I had shame that I hadnt left his sorry butt after discovering 1 affair and most likely 2 or 3. I had shame that he lied to my face, gaslighted me. I have shame that financially and emotionally its difficult for me to leave. I have shsme for allowing him to treat us like crap during and after his affairs. You know that no matter what it takes you want to rid yourself of shame. Because shame doesnt improve my life or yours. It doesnt propel us into action. Its a feeling. You said yourself you want to move beyond your husbands affairs. Shame wont allow that. You and I and many others need to clearly see what we want. And figure out how to get there. Because you know and I know we CANNOT change these people. They are broken for reasons a to z but its up to them to do it. How long are we going to wait around Hoping for them to be the guy or gal that we want them to be or could be. Besides the affairs how good was your marriage before that ? I realized today that mine had been bad for at leadt 10 years. Was he chezting the entire time? I dont know. However had I taken definitive action then. Well lets just say7 this would be history. Id probably be remarried or whatever. what does your future look like?

[merrmeade]

I don't know the timing of all this. Is it possible he was led to believe you knew before he did and thinks you should have told him sooner than he was told?

 

As for the letter, you could write it get it out of your system and let it sit. In my experience, with these types of letters its better to sleep on them anyway so you don't regret saying certain things or omit others or change your mind.

You know, velvette, I never thought of it, but after writing the letter (below) I realized - and wrote - that considering how much deception there's been, I don't really know anything except that they had an affair. I only know what WH has told me and that is not trustworthy.

 

So I spent the day writing the letter, as you said, to get it out of my system but would be grateful for feedback. I feel a little crazy having gone this far and said the things said, imagined real people I know reading it and reacting to it, the sadness and shock it would create. So here it is:

 

MERRMEADE'S PRACTICE LETTER TO WH'S SISTERS:

Note: "X" is WH's brother; "Y" is SIL2, WH's former mistress

The truth. I am not convinced any of us will be made free from this. I apologize in advance - deeply, painfully - for the heartache I am about to cause you. I have loved you both. You are good, good people. I've known no one better. I will always love you.

1. Since May 2012, I have been struggling unsuccessfully to recover from the discovery that WH has been unfaithful, having betrayed and deceived me more than once in the course of our marriage.
   
2. June 2013, I learned from WH of a 6-mo affair he had with Y in (year). I have not seen her since then — my choice.
   
3. Nov. 2014: I learned of X's enmity toward me and wanted to make peace with Y. WH stopped me, revealing that X, in fact, knew about the affair. WH said that X told him right before his marriage to Y 20 yrs earlier. Y had wanted X to know of her affair with his brother before they married, and X wanted WH to know that she had done that.
   
4. Hearing this (realizing X's and Y's understanding of transparency; WH's lack of it), I felt further disgraced, isolated and dismissed.

I love you both and am sorry for this sad development, but I do not deserve what has been done to me. I do not deserve to be vilified by X or Y. I deserve a marriage in which I am loved, respected, protected and cherished.

 

I can't verify who knows what or who thinks what, whether X actually even knows. Unfortunately (for me), some of what WH tells me is true and some is not. This means that I do not actually know what X knows. I would like to believe that it is true that Y told X the truth and they enjoy transparency in their marriage. For one thing, I do not understand why X needs to vilify me, but it is wrong if you think I don't or shouldn't care. I very much care.

 

Perhaps in some telling of this story, blame was attributed to me for whatever reason. If so, it was adding insult to injury. Blaming the victim. (I sadly admit that going abroad was a mistake and may have created opporutunity, and, yes, I regret it; it was a big mistake. But WH does not blame me. They were his choices.)

 

Understand that WH is sorry and so full of shame that it's all he can see or understand. You may not realize how crippling shame can be. When he sees the pain, heartbreak and despair he gave me, his own shame fills the space, and he cannot enter, much less, help me repair the damage. He cannot and so waits and hopes I can do it on my own. He wants us to move forward by burying what happened and thinks that my inability to do so is a choice. It is not and I cannot.

 

I can neither ignore the truth nor bury the secret. He may take it that I have done something to him, but it is not this letter that destroyed our marriage.

Edited May 31, 2015 by merrmeade
I don't know. Nitpicking? Title was absurd.