Which way should I go?

[WhatAmIDoing82]

I have been involved with a MM for 6 months and the affair was discovered a month ago by his wife.

 

We are still seeing eachother (even though he tells her it's over between us).

 

He says that he doesn't want his wife to "do something stupid" by hurting herself if he leaves but he said his heart isn't in the marriage anymore. He said he is staying because he needs to make sure she is not hurting.

 

Should I initiate NC and hope he resolves his issues, or should I continue to talk to him and show support?

[MissBee]

It's only 6 months, I'd tell him to fix the marriage.

 

At what point will he know she is okay?

 

What if she finds out he's still seeing you?

 

His logic doesn't make sense. Tell him you don't want her to find out again and he should work on fixing things and you guys should cool off the A.

 

I would ask him for some concrete things because a mistake it seems many OW make is to think the MM saying he isn't happy or that he will leave or wants to leave is the exact same as him really doing it. Many say this and never do it...if wishes were horses beggars would ride, so you need to actually see some concrete evidence and actions towards him doing it rather than him just saying a bunch of stuff which means he's essentially staying put.

[WhatAmIDoing82]

Good point....

 

I did tell him today that I think we should cool it on the A. He agreed and said that its just really hard because he doesn't want to lose me.

 

Before the A was discovered, we talked about him getting a divorce but now that she has discovered everything, he says he still wants to divorce his wife but only if he knows she will be okay.

 

Is there a timeline for Affair recovery from the BS prospective? How long should I wait? I really love him and I know he loves me.

[MuddyRock]

Affair recovery is 2-5 years. That's even if the wayward spouse is actually remorsful.

You should go no contact. He will never leave her unless he has to.

[Artie Lang]

if i had i dime for every time i've heard exactly what he's telling you about his marriage in order to keep the affair going, i'd be partners with Elon Musk launching rockets right about now. what i mean is, keep reading on these boards and tell me how many OW get fed the same ol' BS from these guys.

 

 

wake up!

[CarrieT]

He agreed and said that its just really hard because he doesn't want to lose me.

Of course he said that. He is trying to keep you on the hook.

 

he says he still wants to divorce his wife but only if he knows she will be okay.

This is one of the common excuses why wayward spouses won't leave their partners. It is rarely true.

 

I really love him and I know he loves me.

Of course the love is real - but if it were real enough for him to want a life with you, he would divorce his wife because he KNOWS she isn't really going to hurt herself....

 

How long should I wait?

Only you know that - how long do you disrespect yourself?

[GypsumSatellite]

My advice would be to tell MM if he doesn't want his W to "hurt" or "do something stupid" perhaps he should (a) seek out medical attention for her suicidal ideation and (b) stop having a relationship that will only continue to hurt her.

 

I would also suggest you don't wait for him. 6 months, already had a D-Day, and he thinks he can keep this gravy train running without hurting her or you? Yeah, I'm here to tell you that's not going to happen and if you stick it out with him you will hate him before your next 6 months are up.

[minime13]

God, just imagine what he told his wife about you.

 

He is shifting the blame of "staying in the marriage" on his wife, making her sound like she's imbalanced so he has to stay for her safety. That does 2 things: it makes him look like a hero, and it puts you on a guilt trip for even thinking about calling him out. And possibly keeps you on the hook so he doesn't actually have to take responsibility for anything else.

 

Talk and reality are two different things. He can talk to you about the future, but when that possibility comes up - this is what he pulls. He can talk about wanting to leave his wife, but when the affair comes out and he has the opportunity to, he "can't."

 

And seriously, just think of what he is saying to his wife about you to cool things off.

[still_an_Angel]

Discovery of the A could have provided him with an exit from his M. Yet he chooses to stay, supposedly to make sure the W doesn't hurt herself. Ironic, since he has caused the hurt.

 

 

Your call OP, you know him and how your relationship goes. But waiting for someone to "heal" in order for them to leave doesn't really make sense.

[Adoraxx]

It would be best to go NC... Let him sort out his issues (although I'm pretty sure that he is exaggerating it all , just so he can use it as an excuse) and tell him to come back once the divorce papers are signed . But also tell him that you will continue living your life and that you'll start dating. Don't put your life on a standstill for him

[Wifeinpain]

Please go NC until he divorces her.m if he is so worried about her mental health, he would never take chances by continuing the affair.

 

What he is doing now is going to hurt her even worse than the first DDay. If he cares so little about her agony, I wouldn't want this man.

 

Have some compassion for his wife if nothing else and go NC until a divorce is final.

[WhatAmIDoing82]

It would be best to go NC... Let him sort out his issues (although I'm pretty sure that he is exaggerating it all , just so he can use it as an excuse) and tell him to come back once the divorce papers are signed . But also tell him that you will continue living your life and that you'll start dating. Don't put your life on a standstill for him

If I go NC, do I tell him I'm going to start dating, or tell him I'll wait for him?

[Confused48]

 

Have some compassion for his wife if nothing else and go NC until a divorce is final.

 

One would hope that decent human beings would have some instinct to do this. However, the OP, like many OW/OM have no feelings for their fellow humans. They just want what they want and to hell with everyone else.

 

Note that this OW never said anything about feeling bad that she may have driven another person to suicidal thoughts. She just wants advice on how to land this lying scheming MM as her own. I hope she gets him and the BW moves on to a better man.

[whichwayisup]

How long are you willing to wait for him and put your life on hold? A year? Two years? Do they have children?

 

Hate to say it, but I really doubt he's going to leave and divorce. I hope you can end your A once and for all, leave him be to reconnect with his wife so you can grieve and heal. Waiting in the wings in hope that some day he'll be yours is a waste of your life.

[MissBee]

Good point....

 

I did tell him today that I think we should cool it on the A. He agreed and said that its just really hard because he doesn't want to lose me.

 

Before the A was discovered, we talked about him getting a divorce but now that she has discovered everything, he says he still wants to divorce his wife but only if he knows she will be okay.

 

Is there a timeline for Affair recovery from the BS prospective? How long should I wait? I really love him and I know he loves me.

 

What does her being okay mean?

 

She obviously doesn't want to divorce him so in that sense will never be okay with it. So him waiting for her to be okay to divorce and you waiting on him to wait on her.... Sounds like the usual merry go round that ends in M staying put.

 

There is no how long you should wait, that's totally up to you. But I'd advise you to only wait based on concrete and legitimate plans. Him saying until she is okay is NOT a plan.

 

The MM may love you, mine did I believe, but not in the way I needed and he couldn't provide what I wanted love or not. Normal relationships that have love still sometimes don't work, so an affair is no different. Don't simply accept the current response then wait indefinitely. Ask about ALL possibilities and listen carefully to his response. Ask him what if she is never okay ask what he means by waiting for her to be okay, ask how long he thinks that might be, ASK. Be informed. Don't just say I'm in love and I'm just gonna wait with no concrete information.

 

At the 6 month juncture though it seems even less likely that he will have enough go impetus to leave and at 6 months (in affair months on top of it) you haven't invested that much yet so I really think it's ill-advised to plan to invest more here when you're at a point where walking away won't cost you much but a broken heart for a little but faster recovery than if you give this man 2,4 however many more years.

Edited May 29, 2015 by MissBee

[MissBee]

If I go NC, do I tell him I'm going to start dating, or tell him I'll wait for him?

 

Don't tell him either of those things.

 

Tell him you cannot wait around and be the OW and that if he should divorce or start the process then you'd be happy to try again. You should not say anything about waiting or him or dating. That's not important for him to know.

 

 

But NC is if you've decided this is true and you're done and won't what because F this is to force his hand or something you won't keep it up. So make sure you're also ready to walk if he can't give you what you need.

[Midwestmissy]

Her mental health is not his concern - he's the one actively screwing with her head. She's not crazy, she's being emotionally abused and reacting to being a stranger in her marriage -" I care about my wife, but I'm keeping this piece on the side. Why is my wife so suddenly mentally unstable? If she'd only believe my lies instead of calling me a liar, my life would be fine. The ow believes everything I say, and that's awesome." He's not leaving his wife. And yes, he's saying awful things about you to her. Mine called the ow a "wet hole with no self respect - so why should I have respected her?" Seriously.

 

He's the wife's mental problem. If he cared about her he would be tending to her and fixing her "problem". This is about him being a martyr and looking like such a caring man for not abandoning her. It's textbook image and narrative control. If he says," look, I've screwed up by being with you, I love my wife and I need to spend the rest of my life making this up to her because the thought of losing her scares me so much", he's afraid he'd look weak and whipped. When in fact, taking the stand is actually the most manly thing he could do.

[Lois_Griffin]

Good point....

 

I did tell him today that I think we should cool it on the A. He agreed and said that its just really hard because he doesn't want to lose me.

 

Before the A was discovered, we talked about him getting a divorce but now that she has discovered everything, he says he still wants to divorce his wife but only if he knows she will be okay.

If you've ever spent any time reading the more popular Infidelity support websites, you'll get to see what things look like from the other side.

 

What he's doing right now is damage control. He's doing his very best to be able to stay married and keep everything status quo. That's his FIRST priority.

 

He's telling his wife very little and lying about the extent of your affair to her. What little he has admitted, he's more than likely blamed on you pursuing him. Unfortunately, he'll lie through his teeth to her and tell her you meant nothing to him, he didn't have sex with you (or if he admits he did, he'll tell her he couldn't finish or got sick afterward). The amount of lying and minimizing these guys do to keep from being thrown out the front door is of epic proportions. Seriously. Go spend a few hours reading and you'll see exactly what I mean. He's probably been told to send you an NC letter/email/text/smoke signal, telling you he loves his wife and wants nothing to do with you. If he hasn't sent it, then he's probably minimized you to absolutely nothing where she doesn't even feel it's necessary to send you one.

 

Then there's the flipside. A lot of them DO tell their OW that they 'fear for their children's safety' because they claim the BW is on the edge of despair and might do something drastic to hurt herself and/or their kids. So he must stay. How could he possibly leave and take a chance that she'll drown them all in the river while he's at work?

 

I'm not surprised, even in the slightest, that he's told you he wants to continue - while he's telling her he loves her, he's sorry for what he did, it meant nothing to him, he'll do whatever it takes to make her feel secure again, and he'll never talk to you again.

 

All lies while he continues to try to keep you hanging right where you are. He's devastated her ONCE, and in essence, he's setting her up again for a second fall because he's asking you to stay on the hook.

 

Think, really THINK about what type of person willingly does that to another human being. I mean that with all sincerity.

[CarrieT]

If I go NC, do I tell him I'm going to start dating, or tell him I'll wait for him?

 

Does it really matter?

 

I mean, does it matter to YOU? Are you really going to start dating or would you want to tell him that to get him jealous?