BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[Heer]

Hello everyone,

 

I (20) have been in a relationship with my bf(20) for around 7 months now and we have shared a lot regarding our pet peeves, likes and dislikes as well as hanging out with friends. Last week my bf started asking me questions about a certain guy friend (Dan) that I am still friends with since 4th grade. I was surprised because I've privated my friends list on facebook which only gives him access to friends we have in common. I think he's been looking through my phone and accessing my fb app:(. Anyways he knows a lot more about him than I told him so he definitely had outside sources. He's been acting kinda odd and I've assured him that I see Dan only as a platonic friend but I don't think that his body language and his actions are trusting me. I have to admit that I haven't told him any details even though he kinda pushed me but I just don't feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. We are in love but neither of us expects to be so close so fast. His weirdness haven't been helping because he would sometimes randomly call me and asking me where I am and what not. He even got a little pissed off when I was with my guy friend last Sunday having coffee along with other friends. I told him the truth and told him I was hanging out with friends, which I was, and I would never lie. I feel kinda mad about him possibly getting into my phone because its my privacy so I've started to get a more complicated password for my iphone (not the 4 digit number). However, I have no proof of his snooping so I will not say anything about that.

 

A little bit about me and Dan: We met in fourth grade and became really good friends in high school where he and I were both debate captains for the school debating team. We would hold weekly debates against each others' teams and it sometimes really got "heated". I guess it was kind of a like hate relationship through highschool and we were kinda close. When univeristy came around we both got accepted into the same university but different campuses so we still stayed in touch and occasionally went out for drinks and coffee. I know him quite well and he is currently kinda in a relationship with another girl and I was genuienly happy for him. That was last year and we still kept in contact through the summer. I met my bf 8 months ago and when I told him he was happy for me as well because my current bf is my first relationship.

 

I know for a fact that Dan and I are platonic friends because we've had that conversation before and it was flirting before I met my bf. I toned down on the flirting and am acting more friendly. What do you think I should do? I really don't want this to turn confrontational because I'm seeing him tmrw night!!

[TaraMaiden2]

It's an insecurity and self-esteem issue because he can't get his head round the fact that this is innocent and you're trustworthy.

To be fair, the general advice here is that opposite-sex friendships should be cooled, once you're in a serious relationship, but your friend Dan has been on the scene a lot longer than your BF has....

 

I'm not sure what the solution is.

If he HAS been accessing your phone for information, your changing your access codes might suggest to him that you now have something to hide, so I don't think that was a good move.

 

I think you're going to have to be 'blunt and up-front'. Tell it like it is:

 

"You and Dan have had a long friendship. Dan has a GF. You're sorry if your BF has issues with the situation, but if he can't trust you, then it's his problem to deal with, not yours.

You've never hidden anything from him, but given that your relationship is so fresh, you don't see why everything has to be a plain open book all the time every time, so early on. And it seems your caution is right, if he suspects every little thing. And to be honest, the only way he can know so much about you, is if he's been snooping, because much of what he has told you, didn't come from you.

Has he found anything to give him cause to worry? No.

Exactly.

If he can't believe you, when you're telling him the truth, then he has to evaluate his own confidence and self-esteem, because mistrust is his issue, not yours."

 

(All of the above as if you were addressing him in the first person, not the third.)

 

Then never mention it again, and keep doing what you're doing.

Don't change anything, or do things differently.

That's how suspicions grow.

Edited May 29, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[PegNosePete]

I agree with TM. If he doesn't trust you and suspects something is going on, then tightening up your security settings is certainly not going to solve that situation. Quite the opposite in fact, it is going to make him even more suspicious. His thoughts will be, "if she has nothing to hide then why is she taking extra precautions to hide it from me?".

 

Yes, his insecurities are his own problem and he has to get over them. But I don't think you're helping him here. Your actions are exacerbating his suspicions.

[jen1447]

I don't like the snooping / "where are you now?" stuff. Those are signs of a controller.

[kendahke]

Ask him how he knows so many details about your friend and then ask him point blank if he's been snooping your phone. That way, he either will lie or he will tell the truth--if he chooses to lie, then you know what you're dealing with.

 

I don't believe one should give up friends they've known for a long time; I do believe that one should cool friendships with people of the opposite sex met after their relationship began.

 

Your boyfriend sounds extremely insecure and that is not your burden to deal with. I don't blame you for changing your access code--it's not his phone and he has no business on your phone if he's not paying your phone bill.

 

You might want to rethink the wisdom in being in a relationship with this guy--he sounds like too much work.

[Methodical]

If he HAS been accessing your phone for information, your changing your access codes might suggest to him that you now have something to hide, so I don't think that was a good move.

 

He'll never know the code has been changed unless he has been accessing her phone, in which case he would have to fess up to snooping in order to confront her about it. I think it's a very smart move.

[Spectre]

Lady, just dump your boyfriend. Unless you are willing to get rid of this best male friend or strictly reduce him to the occasional phone call or text? Just set your boyfriend free. I don't know if he does or doesn't trust YOU, but he doesn't trust your friend. That won't ever change, especially with all the "history" you have and the fact you at times got flirty with this dude in the past which means at ONE point you at least considered the fact he might become more then a friend.

 

So I am sorry, but most guys won't be okay with this situation and honestly, it doesn't make them d-bags, just realists. These types of setups end FAR too often with the girl eventually cheating with the "friend" or if not outright cheating behaving in a highly inappropriate way. It sucks, but that is how it is. You unfortunately don't get to have your cake and eat it too here. You either drastically drastically reduce Dan, or dump the boyfriend. People have said sit him down and explain to him how you feel about Dan, but problem is that won't help, because I guarantee you he doesn't trust this Dan guy and never ever will. Go and look at all the relationships on this forum that were killed because one member of the relationship was around a "good friend" of the opposite sex at just the wrong time(like after a big fight or when they are otherwise feeling vulnerable).

 

Do you ever hang out alone just you and Dan? You said you are seeing him tomorrow, was it just going to be you and Dan? Did you invite your bf with? Since if you have been actually hanging out with this Dan guy ALONE during the course of your relationship...I hate to break this to you, but that is it. If you've ever hung out with this Dan guy alone whilst with your bf then it is going to come down to the bf or the friend.

 

Also people are saying change your phone access codes or whatever and if he says anything you will know he was snooping. Yeah, except no, he might not see she has changed it and directly confront her. He might see it and it just makes his trust go utterly down the toilet and his suspicions rise even more, but if he is smart he wouldn't give the reason as "you changed your codes".

 

I actually think this is a lost cause due to his snooping. Not that I think that in itself means break it off, but if he is at the snooping stage already there is nothing you are going to be able to say to make him trust not only you, but this other guy. So yeah, my advice is just dump the boyfriend. Tell him your friendship with Dan is too important to you for you to consider his feelings and be done with it. Since if that wasn't the case you wouldn't of made plans to see Dan tomorrow knowing how your bf feels. Unless you meant you are seeing your bf tomorrow? Tell me you meant your bf, because if you know how he feels and are still going to go see Dan well, why be together? At this point it is utterly irrelevant whether your bf is right or wrong, since if you know it bothers him and are still going to do it..that is all she wrote.

Edited May 29, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

I don't like the snooping / "where are you now?" stuff. Those are signs of a controller.

 

This is a warning sign for sure. If I had a new BF that checked up on me, I would dump him on the spot. I had been down this road with a BF, and it only gets worse as time goes on. He is already digging into your past, and personal life without your knowledge.....that is a sickness that doesn't go away. Dump this guy, you can do way better. Don't let love make you over look this issue. Your love can't stop him from being paranoid.

[Heer]

Thank you for your replies, It really helps me out a lot.

 

I guess the main thing about this is to convince my bf that Dan is not a "threat". Both of us are platonic friends and the farthest we ever got was cuddling in bed, but that was way back during graduation in high school. We are good friends and have no desire to go any further then that. Dan knows this and I know this.

I'm not sure if I should tell my bf anymore about Dan if he doesn't ask I don't feel comfortable about telling him intimate details yet even though I love my bf.

Another issue is I'm still not sure how he found out about Dan and I. I have no evidence whatsoever about him peeking in my phone but I changed my password just in case. I didn't tell anyone about this. For the record I trust my bf and I would never snoop in his phone or e-mail, I expect the same in return from my bf and he knows this.

[darkmoon]

if you love your boyf, then dan ought to back off, tbh, a grown man would be a wimp, or stupid, not to check out the competiton

 

i do not think you love your boyfriend, not from what you have said here so far, forgive him, or must saint dan win?

Edited May 29, 2015 by darkmoon

[kylle]

Both of us are platonic friends and the farthest we ever got was cuddling in bed

 

Yeah...I wouldn't like it if my fiancé kept a friend like this. And I'm also sure she wouldn't like it either.

 

Answer honestly...would you be okay if he had a girl friend this close to him? One that used to cuddle him in bed?

 

I'm not sure if I should tell my bf anymore about Dan if he doesn't ask I don't feel comfortable about telling him intimate details yet even though I love my bf.

Another issue is I'm still not sure how he found out about Dan and I. I have no evidence whatsoever about him peeking in my phone but I changed my password just in case. I didn't tell anyone about this. For the record I trust my bf and I would never snoop in his phone or e-mail, I expect the same in return from my bf and he knows this.

 

If Dan is still bothering him, he'll ask you. I'm sure.

 

Anyway, I think it's just best for you to measure how much you love your bf and how much you love your friendship with Dan.

 

I think you'll have to choose.

[minime13]

Platonic friends don't flirt. Let's remember that. Platonic friends don't flirt. Nor do they cuddle in bed.

 

Good for you for toning down the flirting with Dan, but a platonic friend is someone of the opposite sex that you are close friends with, but there is no sexual inclination or undertones. Flirting is sexual by nature.

 

Now, with your relationship of seven months, there seems to be a few red flags, on both sides. Have you always had your friend list hidden, or is this just something you did with him? To me, if you took the action to hide your friend list from him when you started dating, that's a red flag - on you. You started the relationship by hiding things.

 

Another red flag - on you - is that you're really hesitant to give your boyfriend details about the second closest guy in your life - your friend, Dan. You've been dating for seven months. What brings this hesitancy, if he's simply a friend? He obviously is curious about this other guy in your life, so why not indulge him? Maybe they should meet, so he can see for himself that there's nothing to worry about. Honestly, if my boyfriend were hiding details of his friendship with another woman from me, I wouldn't trust him.

 

If he is snooping through your phone, that's a red flag on him, but without proof, what can you do? Ask him perhaps? He does need to respect your boundaries and privacy, to this extent.

 

The other thing I found to be curious is that you have a full paragraph describing your friendship with Dan. How you met, how your relationship has been, why you still talk - a good summary of your relationship with this friend. You put in a little effort to allow us to get to know and understand that relationship. But what about your boyfriend? All we know here is the negative actions he's taken. I don't know - I find that curious.

 

Personally, I feel you are purposely hiding this relationship from your boyfriend and that's no good. Open up to him about it, and ease his uncertainty - and not just by saying, oh, we're just platonic. That isn't opening up about it. You are so much more defensive about your relationship with Dan than you are about your boyfriend, and if we can see that, so can he. That's not cool.

 

Oh, and the calling and checking in phone calls - without context, that's what couples do. My boyfriend and I do that all the time, just as part of conversation.

[barcode88]

I agree somewhat with the other posters, however...

 

If you have a CLOSE friend of the opposite gender, you need to make sure that you keep boundaries in check.

[Heer]

Yeah...I wouldn't like it if my fiancé kept a friend like this. And I'm also sure she wouldn't like it either.

 

Answer honestly...would you be okay if he had a girl friend this close to him? One that used to cuddle him in bed?

 

 

Thank you for your input. I've taken your advice and put myself in his shoes but since I was not in a relationship with another boy when I cuddled with Dan I don't feel guilty. I would feel very guilty if I did the exact same thing today because I'm in a relationship. Regarding my bf, I feel that if he has had sexual partners before we were in a relationship I would not "mind" because he was not with me. If he had a one night stand 10 months ago before we met it would bother me, but I also understand that at that time he was a single man and that it was consensual. If he did that now I would be really mad because I'm his gf.

[kylle]

Thank you for your input. I've taken your advice and put myself in his shoes but since I was not in a relationship with another boy when I cuddled with Dan I don't feel guilty. I would feel very guilty if I did the exact same thing today because I'm in a relationship. Regarding my bf, I feel that if he has had sexual partners before we were in a relationship I would not "mind" because he was not with me. If he had a one night stand 10 months ago before we met it would bother me, but I also understand that at that time he was a single man and that it was consensual. If he did that now I would be really mad because I'm his gf.

 

Fair enough, but that's not what I asked...

 

My question was: would you be totally okay and have absolutely no feelings if he was still (close) friend with a girl he used to flirt and cuddle in bed?

[TunaCat]

Your boyfriend needs to get over it.

 

Dan has been a part of your life for a very long time, and there's no reason that you should feel bad about being friends with him.

 

So you guys used to cuddle, so what? "Used to" means you guys don't do it anymore.

 

I would be pissed if I was dating someone and they were looking through my phone & FB. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it's rude and a violation of trust. I'd break up with the boyfriend based on that alone.

[nina_x]

WHAT is the problem with her keeping a close friend?

 

SO WHAT if they used to flirt? SO WHAT if they cuddled? They are just friends and that's it!

 

Come on, this guy snooped on her phone and you're all defending him? He's a controlling freak!

 

OP, keep you friend and dump this guy if he doesn't change.

[smackie9]

No what couples do is call in to say what they are up to.....not the other way around. It's being respectful of your partner.

[minime13]

WHAT is the problem with her keeping a close friend?

 

SO WHAT if they used to flirt? SO WHAT if they cuddled? They are just friends and that's it!

 

Come on, this guy snooped on her phone and you're all defending him? He's a controlling freak!

 

OP, keep you friend and dump this guy if he doesn't change.

 

So what if she's intentionally hiding this relationship from her boyfriend?

 

I do agree, they should probably break up, but it's more about her being dishonest about her "friendship" with Dan that she defends more than her relationship.

[nina_x]

So what if she's intentionally hiding this relationship from her boyfriend?

 

I do agree, they should probably break up, but it's more about her being dishonest about her "friendship" with Dan that she defends more than her relationship.

 

First, she never said she was hiding from him, only that she kept her friends list as private on her FB.

 

Second, why shouldn't she defend her friendship? She and this guy have 7 months, she and Dan have years.

Why should she remove Dan from her life instead of keeping an unreasonable boyfriend that can't accept a true friendship?

[minime13]

First, she never said she was hiding from him, only that she kept her friends list as private on her FB.

 

Second, why shouldn't she defend her friendship? She and this guy have 7 months, she and Dan have years.

Why should she remove Dan from her life instead of keeping an unreasonable boyfriend that can't accept a true friendship?

 

Well, she also said this: I have to admit that I haven't told him any details even though he kinda pushed me but I just don't feel comfortable telling him everything so soon.

 

I am reading this post differently than you, and that's fine. We all have our opinions. The tone of her post, to me, suggests that she's not looking for honest and objective advice, but she's looking for people to tell her she's right. I'm not about that game. I would rather tell her the advice that she needs.

 

I never said to remove him from her life, but I also don't think it is unreasonable for a partner to be curious about a close friend of the opposite sex. I don't think it's unreasonable for a partner to become distrustful if his partner chooses to withhold details about this close friendship. She said, herself, that she can't state for a fact that he looked through her phone, so that's not a proven. There are plenty of ways to find info about people without resorting to sorting through your SO's phone.

 

That being said, I don't feel that either of them are doing right by each other. So, they can try to work on their issues, or split. To me, she doesn't get to hold this over him because she's wrong for being so private and secretive about this relationship.

[nina_x]

Well, she also said this: I have to admit that I haven't told him any details even though he kinda pushed me but I just don't feel comfortable telling him everything so soon.

 

What's the problem? For me, she's just afraid of telling everything because, like many of you here, her bf would go berkzerk because of a simple close friendship with a male friend!

 

I am reading this post differently than you, and that's fine. We all have our opinions. The tone of her post, to me, suggests that she's not looking for honest and objective advice, but she's looking for people to tell her she's right. I'm not about that game. I would rather tell her the advice that she needs.

 

No, she's looking for advice about how to handle a paranoid controlling boyfriend that doesn't trust a friendship.

I gave my advice: dump the guy.

 

I never said to remove him from her life, but I also don't think it is unreasonable for a partner to be curious about a close friend of the opposite sex. I don't think it's unreasonable for a partner to become distrustful if his partner chooses to withhold details about this close friendship. She said, herself, that she can't state for a fact that he looked through her phone, so that's not a proven. There are plenty of ways to find info about people without resorting to sorting through your SO's phone.

 

That being said, I don't feel that either of them are doing right by each other. So, they can try to work on their issues, or split. To me, she doesn't get to hold this over him because she's wrong for being so private and secretive about this relationship.

 

It becomes unreasonable when there's clearly distrust. That's the case. Why can't he just trust it's platonic if she's telling the truth?

 

The guy is a controlling freak.

[minime13]

What's the problem? For me, she's just afraid of telling everything because, like many of you here, her bf would go berkzerk because of a simple close friendship with a male friend!

 

 

 

No, she's looking for advice about how to handle a paranoid controlling boyfriend that doesn't trust a friendship.

I gave my advice: dump the guy.

 

 

 

It becomes unreasonable when there's clearly distrust. That's the case. Why can't he just trust it's platonic if she's telling the truth?

 

The guy is a controlling freak.

 

We see things differently. That's fine.

[Heer]

Fair enough, but that's not what I asked...

 

My question was: would you be totally okay and have absolutely no feelings if he was still (close) friend with a girl he used to flirt and cuddle in bed?

 

I would be very understanding if my bf cuddled with another girl during high school even though it might bother me. Yes it might bother me but highschool was 2.5 years ago and I'm not going to search his phone or pull up history and confront him.

 

He was a different person in highschool just like I was a different person in high school. We were teenagers and now we are adults.

[barcode88]

I would be very understanding if my bf cuddled with another girl during high school even though it might bother me. Yes it might bother me but highschool was 2.5 years ago and I'm not going to search his phone or pull up history and confront him.

 

He was a different person in highschool just like I was a different person in high school. We were teenagers and now we are adults.

 

One thing you should know is most people still consider you kids lol. You'll understand what I mean when you reach 25 or so