BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[TaraMaiden2]

....

He was a different person in highschool just like I was a different person in high school. We were teenagers and now we are adults.

 

...Actually? Not quite....

 

It's a biological fact that neither your brain is 'done cooking', and neither has your BF's.

However, there are some areas in which the female brain DOES mature more quickly that those same areas in a guy's brain, and those areas involve emotional and linguistic skills. (A guy's brain matures more quickly in the mathematical, logical zones....)

 

So while technically speaking, if you're over 21 you are recognised as bona-fide adults internationally, insofar as 'maturity' is concerned, you both still have a way to go.

He more than you, it may seem.....

[DKT3]

I would be very understanding if my bf cuddled with another girl during high school even though it might bother me. Yes it might bother me but highschool was 2.5 years ago and I'm not going to search his phone or pull up history and confront him.

 

He was a different person in highschool just like I was a different person in high school. We were teenagers and now we are adults.

 

You continue to avoid the question which in itself gives the answer.

 

I believe you would be upset if you boyfriend had a "very close" friendship NOW, with a girl that was a romantic interest.

 

There is a lack of respect here for your boyfriends feelings, and how many of us read it is your friendship is more important then your relationship. Not only are you not respecting your boyfriends feelings your hiding the true nature of the connection with Dan. Your acting in a way that would suggest there is more there, and let's be honest THERE IS.

[Phoe]

I have plenty of platonic male friends.

 

I have NEVER flirted or cuddled with them in bed, what the heck is that?!

 

That is not platonic behavior.

 

You guys might be behaving appropriately right now and there is no longer any sort of non-platonic behavior to speak of, which is all fine and dandy, but I question why you think it's normal to cuddle in bed with someone but consider them completely platonic.

 

As far as the snooping and questioning goes? Problematic definitely. If that's what's happening, I can almost guarantee that issue won't ever get any better. He doesn't seem to trust you and whether that's something inherent in him, or something that you somehow triggered is unknown...

 

Spending time with this ex-cuddle buddy one on one surely does not help. Not the wisest of choices, even if the intentions are pure.

[Heer]

Thanks for all your insight. Let me make one thing clear, I really love my bf:love: and would not do anything to hurt him. I met my bf 8 months ago and started dating around 7 months ago and we both have an amazing connection. We spend 4-5 days out of the week together:). I also know that my bf has female friends that he communicates with and I have not felt jealous of their presence yet. I have met 2 of his female friends around 5 times going to movies. Both of them are also in a relationship.

 

My best guy friend I met in fourth grade and he currently is on an on/off relationship with another. I'm not sure what their relationship is he never told me I never asked and I never met her. I'm thinking its a fwb relationship:confused:. The only time I cuddled with Dan is in high school when we were both exhausted due to exams. I was with him at his house and no intercourse occurred. I have not met my current bf while in high school so I could not have foreseen that this the cuddling would hurt him. We both knew that boundaries were crossed and we promised not to tell anyone or reference this ever again so we reverted to being friends. Presently, since my guy friend is geographically closer and take the same major as I do I spend around 1 or 2 days in total studying in groups or grabbing coffee. We text but in no way nearly as much as I do with my bf.

 

My feelings for my bf is definitely different than the feelings I have with my guy friend. I can sense it. I feel more like a sister to my guy friend and an actual lady when I'm with my bf.

[minime13]

Thanks for all your insight. Let me make one thing clear, I really love my bf:love: and would not do anything to hurt him. I met my bf 8 months ago and started dating around 7 months ago and we both have an amazing connection. We spend 4-5 days out of the week together:). I also know that my bf has female friends that he communicates with and I have not felt jealous of their presence yet. I have met 2 of his female friends around 5 times going to movies. Both of them are also in a relationship.

 

My best guy friend I met in fourth grade and he currently is on an on/off relationship with another. I'm not sure what their relationship is he never told me I never asked and I never met her. I'm thinking its a fwb relationship:confused:. The only time I cuddled with Dan is in high school when we were both exhausted due to exams. I was with him at his house and no intercourse occurred. I have not met my current bf while in high school so I could not have foreseen that this the cuddling would hurt him. We both knew that boundaries were crossed and we promised not to tell anyone or reference this ever again so we reverted to being friends. Presently, since my guy friend is geographically closer and take the same major as I do I spend around 1 or 2 days in total studying in groups or grabbing coffee. We text but in no way nearly as much as I do with my bf.

 

My feelings for my bf is definitely different than the feelings I have with my guy friend. I can sense it. I feel more like a sister to my guy friend and an actual lady when I'm with my bf.

 

Let me ask you a 2-part question: are you comfortable with your boyfriend meeting your friend and, if you are, would your boyfriend be receptive to meeting him? If the answer is yes to both, then plan a day for the three of you to do something. There is a lot of mystery to a friend that has no face, if you know what I mean.

 

If you are not comfortable with them meeting, or your boyfriend wouldn't be receptive to it, then there may be some issues that cannot be resolved.

 

You shouldn't have to give up friends for significant others (to a point), but there should be a fair amount of transparency when it comes to friendships with members of the opposite sex.

[Spectre]

I think this relationship is over. You've already lied to the guy about the guy he was already suspicious of. So now you screwed yourself because if you come clean now and tell him the whole truth like with the cuddling and stuff? I guarantee you it will come down to a choice between him and Dan. But at the same time if you DON'T tell him the truth there is no point in being together because you're lying and robbing him of his ability to choose who he wants to be with. Even if you don't agree, if he doesn't want to be with a girl who is best friends with another man that is his choice, and if you respect him you won't take that away.

 

So I get that you think it was never anything but platonic, but platonic friends don't flirt besides in a joking way and they sure as hell don't cuddle in a bed. Combine that with the fact you have already lied to your bf about this "just a friend" and well..I think the people making this out to be strictly about some possessive guy who "needs to get over it" are wrong. Relationships are about compromise. This guy has been your best friend since 4th grade and yet your boyfriend didn't even know much about him and had to snoop to find out.

 

I'm just telling you how it looks from a guys point of view, from your words it is not like he didn't know Dan existed until he snooped. So I assume you did mention him, but when you say you didn't tell him much about Dan...well, if he knew Dan was your best friend and yet you didn't say much about him..to me, to a guy..that would seem almost like you are "guarding" that relationship from me, so to speak.

 

OP I also didn't see if you answered my question about hanging out with Dan one on one. I know you mentioned your boyfriend got mad when you were out with Dan and others without him, but have you ever hung out with Dan alone while dating your boyfriend? Have you ever once lied to him about what you were going to be doing because Dan was involved?

[Spectre]

What's the problem? For me, she's just afraid of telling everything because, like many of you here, her bf would go berkzerk because of a simple close friendship with a male friend!

 

It's hard to take you seriously when you ask what the problem is with someone lying to their partner about a person they already do not trust.

 

I mean seriously, I understand your point, but "my bf would get mad at me" is no reason to deceive him. If he gets mad he gets mad, you either work it out or you don't. If she can't be honest about the guy she shouldn't be hanging around with him at all. Unless she is physically afraid her bf will hurt her..knowing someone will be upset at the truth isn't a valid reason not to give it to them. If you feel the bf is acting childish then why would you encourage the OP to act childish in return?

 

No, she's looking for advice about how to handle a paranoid controlling boyfriend that doesn't trust a friendship.

I gave my advice: dump the guy.

 

To be honest, it sounds like she is looking for a way to keep her bf without even backing off a bit from Dan. There is one thing to say "I won't 100% cut contact" but she doesn't seem to want to have to make any changes. Maybe you think she shouldn't have to, but then adult relationships involve sacrifice and compromise.

 

It becomes unreasonable when there's clearly distrust. That's the case. Why can't he just trust it's platonic if she's telling the truth?

 

The guy is a controlling freak.

 

There is clear distrust. Just like there have clearly been things hidden from the boyfriend. You can't say she has the right to lie to him because he would "go beserk" while at the same time knocking him for being suspicious of the person lying to him and hiding things. That makes no sense whatsoever.

 

I get it, you want her to dump him. Frankly I do too, but the difference is I recognize if this relationship ends it won't of been 100% the boyfriends fault. We've had some blatant red flags here in this thread.

[jen1447]

Re: the cuddling, have you guys really not heard of cuddle bitches? Seriously, that's all Dan is/was. They're platonic friends that some women keep around to ....be friends with and get emotional support from, etc. And sometimes they do indeed even cuddle, hence the name. They never get sex tho.

 

The problem lies in the fact that the cuddle bitches are actually almost always smitten with their friend and would like nothing more than to step in for her BF, and they're sort of biding their time to do just that. But the girls don't view them that way at all and they're often delusional about the CB's motivations, which should be fairly obvious - and usually are to other guys, hence OP's BF's discomfort with Dan. He may know Dan doesn't stand a chance, but it's still never a good feeling for a guy to know that there's some other dude hanging around who wants in his GF's pants.

 

In OP's case, Dan may sort of fluctuate between genuine friend and CB and may be a great platonic friend now and maybe was in the past at some point, but when they were cuddling, he was the cuddle bitch. I doubt OP ever saw him as anything but a 'friend' tho.

 

Meh, it's a weird dichotomy but not really unusual.

[minime13]

Re: the cuddling, have you guys really not heard of cuddle bitches? Seriously, that's all Dan is/was. They're platonic friends that some women keep around to ....be friends with and get emotional support from, etc. And sometimes they do indeed even cuddle, hence the name. They never get sex tho.

 

The problem lies in the fact that the cuddle bitches are actually almost always smitten with their friend and would like nothing more than to step in for her BF, and they're sort of biding their time to do just that. But the girls don't view them that way at all and they're often delusional about the CB's motivations, which should be fairly obvious - and usually are to other guys, hence OP's BF's discomfort with Dan. He may know Dan doesn't stand a chance, but it's still never a good feeling for a guy to know that there's some other dude hanging around who wants in his GF's pants.

 

In OP's case, Dan may sort of fluctuate between genuine friend and CB and may be a great platonic friend now and maybe was in the past at some point, but when they were cuddling, he was the cuddle bitch. I doubt OP ever saw him as anything but a 'friend' tho.

 

Meh, it's a weird dichotomy but not really unusual.

 

Not when she acknowledged, in another post, that they admitted to crossing a line, and would keep it a secret so as to be seen as strictly platonic friends.

[DKT3]

Re: the cuddling, have you guys really not heard of cuddle bitches? Seriously, that's all Dan is/was. They're platonic friends that some women keep around to ....be friends with and get emotional support from, etc. And sometimes they do indeed even cuddle, hence the name. They never get sex tho.

 

The problem lies in the fact that the cuddle bitches are actually almost always smitten with their friend and would like nothing more than to step in for her BF, and they're sort of biding their time to do just that. But the girls don't view them that way at all and they're often delusional about the CB's motivations, which should be fairly obvious - and usually are to other guys, hence OP's BF's discomfort with Dan. He may know Dan doesn't stand a chance, but it's still never a good feeling for a guy to know that there's some other dude hanging around who wants in his GF's pants.

 

In OP's case, Dan may sort of fluctuate between genuine friend and CB and may be a great platonic friend now and maybe was in the past at some point, but when they were cuddling, he was the cuddle bitch. I doubt OP ever saw him as anything but a 'friend' tho.

 

Meh, it's a weird dichotomy but not really unusual.

 

 

No, the problem is she isn't being honest with anyone about the nature of her relationship with Dan including herself. The problem is she is changing passwords and acting guilty, innocent people don't act guilty. Has she done anything with Dan? I don't know I wouldn't put money on it either way, what I would put money on is she has mentally done all kinds of things with Dan. There is a much deeper connection with Dan if she is rolling the dice in a relationship where she claims to love her boyfriend sooo much.

[Phoe]

Re: the cuddling, have you guys really not heard of cuddle bitches? Seriously, that's all Dan is/was. They're platonic friends that some women keep around to ....be friends with and get emotional support from, etc. And sometimes they do indeed even cuddle, hence the name. They never get sex tho.

 

The problem lies in the fact that the cuddle bitches are actually almost always smitten with their friend and would like nothing more than to step in for her BF, and they're sort of biding their time to do just that. But the girls don't view them that way at all and they're often delusional about the CB's motivations, which should be fairly obvious - and usually are to other guys, hence OP's BF's discomfort with Dan. He may know Dan doesn't stand a chance, but it's still never a good feeling for a guy to know that there's some other dude hanging around who wants in his GF's pants.

 

In OP's case, Dan may sort of fluctuate between genuine friend and CB and may be a great platonic friend now and maybe was in the past at some point, but when they were cuddling, he was the cuddle bitch. I doubt OP ever saw him as anything but a 'friend' tho.

 

Meh, it's a weird dichotomy but not really unusual.

 

Haha, I'd never heard of this before. Learned something new today!

 

I'd be so weirded out at the prospect of cuddling someone I wasn't romantically interested in.

[Heer]

Not when she acknowledged, in another post, that they admitted to crossing a line, and would keep it a secret so as to be seen as strictly platonic friends.

 

It was a long time ago but we never talked about it again and we didn't for almost 2.5 years. Again this was in high school and we were young and single. Of course I would never do it now.

[minime13]

It was a long time ago but we never talked about it again and we didn't for almost 2.5 years. Again this was in high school and we were young and single. Of course I would never do it now.

 

Relationships are made or broken on a foundation of trust, honesty, and compromise. You're not being honest, he's not trusting, and I don't know if either of you really want to compromise.

 

Don't blame all this on him. You know where the trust issues are. If there were no feelings but friendship between you and Dan, you should be able to talk about your history with him. You will have to in every relationship you get into.

 

Maybe you and Dan should date. After all it seems like you put that friendship on a higher pedestal than your intimate relationships.

[johan]

If I had a woman best friend who I had ever spent time in bed with in any way, my wife automatically wouldn't like her. I don't think that's some thing I'd really blame my wife for or try to force her to get over or to accept that this other woman is an important part of my life. That's a battle that can't be won. Does that make my wife insecure? Well who isn't insecure, honestly? I'm insecure, too.

 

Most people are suspicious of man/woman friendships, and I am, too. Partly because every time I ever developed a friendship with a woman, it led either to us getting together or to the revelation that one of us was hoping we would. Partly because the times I thought I was being "secure" in spite of my own instincts and I accepted my girl having a friendship with a guy, I ended up finding out there was more to it. And partly because I know when I'm happy in my relationship, I really don't feel the need to have other women playing an important role in my life. And I've always seen the same in my women: there's no time for other guys.

 

As a third person, I think it would be weird to see the woman next door hanging out with some guy, opening the door to him, getting in the car with him to go do things, being buddies and laughing together, and her husband just passively accepting it. 99% of people observing something like that would say they think the marriage is not going to last much longer, and 99% of the time they would be right.

 

And then there are unconscious expectations we have of our mates. My woman might have guy friends, but in her heart she expects me to have a problem with it. She wants to see that I care, that I'm territorial, that I'll protect our relationship from others who might want a piece of it. She doesn't want to see that I don't care, that I'm self-absorbed or passive, and least of all that I'm unable to fight for her.

 

Having said all that, when there is another guy hanging around, it's on me to respond in a healthy way about it. Flying off the handle, acting jealous and possessive, and snooping around looking for evidence is just going to make me look like an idiot. When she's choosing which of her two best guy friends she'd prefer to be with, him or me, I'm smart if I don't make him look like the better choice.

 

At the same time, I'm going to be looking closely at her to figure out really where her heart is. Other man showing up in the relationship = canary in the coal mine.

 

There are plenty of people on here who will tell you that there are no true friendships between men and women. I'm one of them.

[Heer]

Relationships are made or broken on a foundation of trust, honesty, and compromise. You're not being honest, he's not trusting, and I don't know if either of you really want to compromise.

 

Don't blame all this on him. You know where the trust issues are. If there were no feelings but friendship between you and Dan, you should be able to talk about your history with him. You will have to in every relationship you get into.

 

Maybe you and Dan should date. After all it seems like you put that friendship on a higher pedestal than your intimate relationships.

 

Thanks minime. No I will not blame my bf and yes I admit that my guy friend and I was a bit too close but we have put that behind us and since he was in a relationship we have hung out less often and sometimes alone or with his gf (depending on our schedules).

 

I think what I'm going to do is to tell him about my relationship with Dan if he pushes me for more information. I don't think that telling him outright suddenly can bring him peace.

 

Dan is not my type romantically but he is a very special friend that has been there for me. I feel that our friendship is definitely reciprocated where I've been there for him and vice versa.

[Heer]

When you are in a relationship most men are not going to like you having a "best guy friend." Even if you break up with your current BF, your guy friend will most likely cause problems in any new relationship as well.

 

Yes, i understand. I would be jealous if my bf spent a lot of time and slept with his female friend as well but if that happened in high school and she is in a relationship I wouldn't be nearly as jealous at all. If she was my bf's ex then I will also get jealous.

 

I'm just hoping for a mutual understanding where we accept that both my bf and I have baggage from previous relationships and that we can accommodate instead of cutting ppl out of our lives.

[DKT3]

Yes, i understand. I would be jealous if my bf spent a lot of time and slept with his female friend as well but if that happened in high school and she is in a relationship I wouldn't be nearly as jealous at all. If she was my bf's ex then I will also get jealous.

 

I'm just hoping for a mutual understanding where we accept that both my bf and I have baggage from previous relationships and that we can accommodate instead of cutting ppl out of our lives.

 

The question was asked "would you be comfortable with your boyfriend and Dan hanging out" that is the tell. If your uncomfortable then clearly there is more with Dan then your being honest with yourself about.

 

You don't need to answer that for us, but for yourself.

 

Secondly you admit you would have an issue if you were placed in your boyfriends position, so the question is what are you going to do about it?

[Heer]

Regarding my bf and guy friend meeting, I haven't really thought about it because they rarely cross paths, due to distance and the fact that most of the time I hang out with my bf is at his place and not mine. I have yet to tell my guy friend about my bf's situation so I don't want it to be an awkward meeting.

 

Again yes I would be jealous if I was in my bf's shoes but the cuddling happened long ago and we basically spend a lot of time together now and have cut down on time with my guy friend.

 

Regarding my phone I have decided that I was justified in changing the password because of my privacy and it would not affect our relationship because if he didn't snoop then he would've know that I changed it.

[bubbaganoosh]

Boils down to this. When your relationship started to take off with your bf, you should have told him about Dan and even introduced him and chances are you wouldn't be here with this problem.

 

What you did was spoon feed him bits and pieces about Dan and when your BF thought that's all there was, your loading up the spoon with more information then another. All that does is make anyone wonder when does the story stop.

 

It's like shaking the champagne bottle a little at a time and sooner or later it's going to pop so why don't you just step up to the plate and lay it out for him. You would want that and so would anyone.

 

Chances are if you did this in the beginning this wouldn't be a problem that's just festering.

 

Not to be passing judgement but honestly, two guys interested in one girl and she's in the middle watching this unfold, I can't help believing that you like having your hand on the controls waiting to see what happens.

 

I don't think you BF is controlling. What he wants is to know where he stands and a bit of clarity. You owe him that.

[johan]

The question was asked "would you be comfortable with your boyfriend and Dan hanging out" that is the tell. If your uncomfortable then clearly there is more with Dan then your being honest with yourself about.

 

I don't think that's so true. Getting her jealous boyfriend together with her guy friend is going to be an awkward situation no matter what. It's just not going to be comfortable.

[Heer]

 

Not to be passing judgement but honestly, two guys interested in one girl and she's in the middle watching this unfold, I can't help believing that you like having your hand on the controls waiting to see what happens.

 

 

Dan is not interested in me; I'm not interested in him. If he was interested in me he had 9 years to do it. He didn't. I didn't. Definitely friend zoned each other. There's no competition here, only mis-understanding. My bf (Jeff) is the one that I'm romantically involved with. Dan is a platonic friend.

 

I've even assured my bf that Dan is a close friend of mine and that he is in a relationship, which would imply that he's not available. It was only 3 days ago that he started asking questions about him and that made me feel uncomfortable so I didn't tell him about us cuddling. Thinking backwards I was at his place on Monday night and took a shower there because I just finished going to gym where I left my phone on his table. He started questioning me on Wednesday in a rather confrontational way, a side of him I've never seen before. I changed my password yesterday night on my phone and I have not told him anything about that yet. And yes, I was hurt that he might have looked through my private messages on my phone.

[Vercetti]

What do you get from Dan, that a serious boyfriend / engagement / marriage couldn't provide? Gonna go your entire life getting a male perspective outside core relationship? No other man smart / funny / talented / trust worthy as Dan? Dan gonna buy you a car / house / have your children / hold your hand on deathbed?

You gonna potentially sabatage every relationship with a endless wedge to your grave...cause Dan is just that awesome?

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh, so suddenly this friendship is wrong because he happens to be a guy? She gets the same kind of relationship with Dan as she would from a BFF. He just happens to have a penis instead of a vagina. The big issue here, is that he's male.

 

This is the big problem.

Women are perfectly capable of seeing the relationship as platonic.

Guys always think there's an agenda.

 

Dan is a friend. He has been for some considerable time. There is nothing physical between them at all.

 

I have two friends (M & F) who have known each other since they were at school together (I'm talking 10, 11 years old) They're now both adults, very close but the thought of being partners horrifies the pair of them.

 

I have 2 male friends myself, both of whom I have known for longer than I've known my H.

 

No problem there, either.

 

Picture Dan as Danielle.

Then you'll get where Heer is coming from.

 

That's it.

Simple really.

[Vercetti]

Why Opposite-Sex Friendships Will Destroy Your Marriage*|*Debra Macleod

 

My wife agrees, maybe I should ask my opposite sex friend what she thinks in case my wife is silly confirmation bias.

[Heer]

Hello everyone my bf hasn't brought up this topic for a few days so I'm not sure if he understands my POV. I've assured him that he is only a friend and his actions these few days seem to confirm that he trusts me. I'm not sure if he knows I changed my iphone password and I'm not sure if I should leave me phone around unattended.

 

I know that there are some guys that hide behind friendship in order to get sex but I can honestly tell you that my guy friend is not like that. Yes we cuddled once but there were numerous other chances and we did not succumb to temptation. I honestly think that we are really good friends and that he is not a threat to my relationship with my bf.