BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[johan]

Hello everyone my bf hasn't brought up this topic for a few days so I'm not sure if he understands my POV. I've assured him that he is only a friend and his actions these few days seem to confirm that he trusts me. I'm not sure if he knows I changed my iphone password and I'm not sure if I should leave me phone around unattended.

 

I know that there are some guys that hide behind friendship in order to get sex but I can honestly tell you that my guy friend is not like that. Yes we cuddled once but there were numerous other chances and we did not succumb to temptation. I honestly think that we are really good friends and that he is not a threat to my relationship with my bf.

 

Maybe if your guy was able to read this thread, he would have a better understanding. I'm not suggesting you have him read it, but you have been pretty clear here and you seem to really care. In his place, after reaching an understanding with you about it, maybe I would suggest inviting Dan and his girlfriend over for dinner one evening. Might as well build a bridge and figure out who this great guy is.

[Vercetti]

Feelings are not logical and men have them. Seems you are not open to the reality of how your boyfriend feels nor care to change anything out of consideration. Insecure and men and women with high self worth can each have issues with opposite sex friends.

 

I would suggest reading the link provided. Feel you would have better understanding of your situation. I'm married, people from when single naturally fall off.

 

Your boyfriend reading this thread would only help him understand, you once found this guy attractive enough and you desire maintaing a relationship with him regaurdless of boyfriend's Feelings and in spite of how potentially toxic the friendship could be over a long term relationship.

 

Think my wife and I would be cool if one or the other wanted to hang out or have hidden communication with people we were almost intimate with? Would you be cool if boyfriend locked phone, talked about your relationship, and spent time with another girl almost slept with? Would you want to meet her and be BFFS? Is your relationship private or subject to committee?

 

Anyhow I know there are exceptions, but given your boyfriends feelings this isn't one. If other men being cool with Dan is the priority, then priorities are screwed up. If proper boundaries are in place, opposite sex friends are a useless time sink being serviced for limited reason.

[Vercetti]

Hello everyone my bf hasn't brought up this topic for a few days so I'm not sure if he understands my POV. I've assured him that he is only a friend and his actions these few days seem to confirm that he trusts me. I'm not sure if he knows I changed my iphone password and I'm not sure if I should leave me phone around unattended.

 

I know that there are some guys that hide behind friendship in order to get sex but I can honestly tell you that my guy friend is not like that. Yes we cuddled once but there were numerous other chances and we did not succumb to temptation. I honestly think that we are really good friends and that he is not a threat to my relationship with my bf.

 

Friends don't have to fight falling for temptation with undercurrents of tension. If not a threat to relationship, then why is your relationship suffering? If Dan knew these things ( betrayel to relationship if he does ) would he step out of the picture...or would he demonize your boyfriend?

 

Should really read link provided.

[anna121]

Why Opposite-Sex Friendships Will Destroy Your Marriage*|*Debra Macleod

 

My wife agrees, maybe I should ask my opposite sex friend what she thinks in case my wife is silly confirmation bias.

 

 

Meh. I read it. Mostly an excuse to moralize. Extremely oversimplified and based on a very narrow and rigid view of the sexes.

[TaraMaiden2]

Feelings are not logical and men have them. Seems you are not open to the reality of how your boyfriend feels nor care to change anything out of consideration.

Actually, as Dan was on the scene first, it's up to her BF to be more open to the situation.

If you had a pet dog you'd had for 7 years, and your GF of 7 months insisted you got rid of it, I bet you wouldn't be so hasty to comply, would you?

 

Insecure and men and women with high self worth can each have issues with opposite sex friends.

Sorry, I am not sure I understand what you're saying here. I think you may have typed something incorrectly....?

 

I would suggest reading the link provided. Feel you would have better understanding of your situation. I'm married, people from when single naturally fall off.

Your standards and lifestyle are not a benchmark for everyone else to measure their own lives by.

 

Your boyfriend reading this thread would only help him understand, you once found this guy attractive enough and you desire maintaing a relationship with him regaurdless of boyfriend's Feelings and in spite of how potentially toxic the friendship could be over a long term relationship.

This has nothing to do with attraction.

I fail to understand how you just don't get the friendship aspect of it.

Why does every situation have to boil down to sex? Because basically, that's what you're doing. And sadly, if that's how your mind perceives this, then in my opinion, it's a narrow one. Simply because a man and a woman are friends, really does not mean there HAS to be any form of sensual attraction. Honestly - it doesn't.

 

Think my wife and I would be cool if one or the other wanted to hang out or have hidden communication with people we were almost intimate with?

Only you would know that. And if she were, that would be your problem. because you obviously view things differently....

 

Would you be cool if boyfriend locked phone, talked about your relationship, and spent time with another girl almost slept with?

Still working that sexual angle,m aren't you? It's History, and honestly, so far in the background it's about as significant to this situation as your first sexual encounter is to your marriage.

 

Would you want to meet her and be BFFS? Is your relationship private or subject to committee?

Well, the way you seem to be so concerned about it, maybe we should hold a national referendum...!

 

Anyhow I know there are exceptions,

 

B.I.N.G.O.

 

but given your boyfriends feelings this isn't one.

That's exactly it. They're HIS.

And he has to understand the situation as it is, and work to process them, because they're totally unfounded.

 

If other men being cool with Dan is the priority, then priorities are screwed up.

 

Without banging on about the sexual undertones (because they're not an issue) explain why....?

 

If proper boundaries are in place, opposite sex friends are a useless time sink being serviced for limited reason.

Sez you. But as I pointed out, you don't get to decide here. You get to decide in your relationship. And while it's fact in yours, it's mere opinion in hers. And as such, irrelevant, if not agreed with.

[jen1447]

Larger issue is still the BF as his seemingly controlling ways. Dan and the history may be interesting in a diff context, but I fail to see how BF gets to make any 'rules' whatsoever of attempt to hold OP accountable. They're BF/GF. If he doesn't like things, his option is to walk, not demand changes.

[Spectre]

So was this ever answered, have you ever hung out alone with Dan after you began dating your boyfriend?

 

Larger issue is still the BF as his seemingly controlling ways. Dan and the history may be interesting in a diff context, but I fail to see how BF gets to make any 'rules' whatsoever of attempt to hold OP accountable. They're BF/GF. If he doesn't like things, his option is to walk, not demand changes.

 

The larger issue is that the gf has lied to the boyfriend and is now going to try to hide from telling the truth by saying she will only be honest if he PUSHES for information.

 

His gf is lying to him about other dudes and hiding things, name one person who wouldn't be paranoid or suspicious of their partner for doing that? Also, this goes both ways. If the OP doesn't like things, she can WALK, not lie to the guy.

[Spectre]

I have 2 male friends myself, both of whom I have known for longer than I've known my H.

 

No problem there, either.

 

Your standards and lifestyle are not a benchmark for everyone else to measure their own lives by. Goes both ways, right?

 

I'm going to nip this in the butt: her boyfriend doesn't see Dan as Danielle. That is all that matters. If the friendship with Dan is more important then the bf fine, then the OP needs to admit that and move on. Dump the guy. She doesn't even seem willing to budge and is more then willing to continue lying to her boyfriend as long as he doesn't push the issue. You are totally right that the standards others hold to relationships do not matter. Her boyfriends standards do. If his standards conflict with HER standards, guess what they do? If you said "she lies to him until he pushes her for information" then nope, wrong. She leaves. If she decides not to leave he is owed the truth and immediately. If he never asks her "Hey did you lie to me about Dan?" that gives no real excuse to keep from him the fact she lied about Dan.

 

There are bad decisions being made on both sides of this relationship. I'm hesitant to even call it a relationship. More like two people who supposedly love each other yet he snoops, she lies and hides things, and both seem unwilling to compromise in any way that will truly matter. This relationship is over and that is on both of them. It's that simple.

 

Contrary to popular belief a guy being controlling is NOT a valid reason to lie to him. A valid reason to leave? Sure.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Spectre

[jen1447]

Settle down Spectre, you seem more geeked up about it all than the OP.

[Spectre]

Settle down Spectre, you seem more geeked up about it all than the OP.

 

Are you actually disagreeing with anything I said? Since like I said, this is a two way street. She can walk if she doesn't want to give up her buddy. But don't lie about it, what is the point? If you can only stay in a relationship via lying them..again, I'm honestly dumbfounded as to the point of such a relationship.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Spectre

[TaraMaiden2]

Your standards and lifestyle are not a benchmark for everyone else to measure their own lives by. Goes both ways, right?

I didn't propose it as a benchmark, I put it forward as a workable example.

It depends how open-minded people are to the fact that not all B/G relationships are based on a sexual desire. Some people here seem to think it is.

This is what this whole mess hinges on.

The OP and Dan know it's not in the slightest bit sexual, sensual or risky.

Everyone advising her that the friendship is a bad idea, and hurts the BF is making the classic mistake that it is.

 

I'm going to nip this in the butt:

 

The phrase is 'Nip it in the BUD'.

It means to prevent the issue from blooming and flowering, or stop it from getting too big, before it escalates into something greater than it needs to be.

 

Which actually, is a bit late in the day....

 

her boyfriend doesn't see Dan as Danielle. That is all that matters.

Yup.

There's that "Surely you can't be friends with him, it MUST be sexual!" mistake again....

 

If the friendship with Dan is more important then the bf fine, then the OP needs to admit that and move on. Dump the guy. She doesn't even seem willing to budge and is more then willing to continue lying to her boyfriend as long as he doesn't push the issue.

She hasn't lied. Her BF knows about Dan, and she's been as open with him as it's her prerogative to be.

 

You are totally right that the standards others hold to relationships do not matter. Her boyfriends standards do. If his standards conflict with HER standards, guess what they do?

 

Yup. It's certainly his option to walk.

Then, why hasn't he? For the same reason she hasn't....

 

If you said "she lies to him until he pushes her for information" then nope, wrong. She leaves. If she decides not to leave he is owed the truth and immediately. If he never asks her "Hey did you lie to me about Dan?" that gives no real excuse to keep from him the fact she lied about Dan.

Sorry, I have literally, genuinely lost the thread. Where did she lie about Dan, and what about...? Post number....? Thanks.

 

There are bad decisions being made on both sides of this relationship. I'm hesitant to even call it a relationship. More like two people who supposedly love each other yet he snoops, she lies and hides things, and both seem unwilling to compromise in any way that will truly matter. This relationship is over and that is on both of them. It's that simple.

I agree, if the Trust is found wanting or missing, and neither work together to secure a remedy then, yes... might as well start digging the 6ft hole....

 

Contrary to popular belief a guy being controlling is NOT a valid reason to lie to him. A valid reason to leave? Sure.

 

I guess so.

[Vercetti]

Actually, as Dan was on the scene first, it's up to her BF to be more open to the situation.

If you had a pet dog you'd had for 7 years, and your GF of 7 months insisted you got rid of it, I bet you wouldn't be so hasty to comply, would you?

 

 

Sorry, I am not sure I understand what you're saying here. I think you may have typed something incorrectly....?

 

 

Your standards and lifestyle are not a benchmark for everyone else to measure their own lives by.

 

This has nothing to do with attraction.

I fail to understand how you just don't get the friendship aspect of it.

Why does every situation have to boil down to sex? Because basically, that's what you're doing. And sadly, if that's how your mind perceives this, then in my opinion, it's a narrow one. Simply because a man and a woman are friends, really does not mean there HAS to be any form of sensual attraction. Honestly - it doesn't.

 

 

Only you would know that. And if she were, that would be your problem. because you obviously view things differently....

 

 

Still working that sexual angle,m aren't you? It's History, and honestly, so far in the background it's about as significant to this situation as your first sexual encounter is to your marriage.

 

 

Well, the way you seem to be so concerned about it, maybe we should hold a national referendum...!

 

 

 

B.I.N.G.O.

 

 

That's exactly it. They're HIS.

And he has to understand the situation as it is, and work to process them, because they're totally unfounded.

 

 

 

Without banging on about the sexual undertones (because they're not an issue) explain why....?

 

 

Sez you. But as I pointed out, you don't get to decide here. You get to decide in your relationship. And while it's fact in yours, it's mere opinion in hers. And as such, irrelevant, if not agreed with.

 

Thought opinion was understood of every person that posts anything on this site. I said there are exceptions, so...yeah. I project my experience and shouldn't have to post my life story with a disclaimer for every sentence I write. Duh she and her boyfriend can do what they want. I'm the type that would walk if don't like something. Anything wrong with op knowing boyfriend or other men could walk from things they don't like? I'm guessing OP came here for many points of view...not confirmation bias.

 

Beyond that...everyday I see some relationship issues over opposite sex friends. Forgive me for throwing baby out with bath water, just thats best I can think of. Not once on this site or in my life have I encountered a opposite sex friend saved / made our relationship better story. Understand how it gets old from my point of view? Understand how I feel exceptions are in the minority? Why I don't feel secure giving advice think only applies to a fraction of people?

 

Anyhow I'm married and never been the type to friend girls ( sue me for being sexual ). Sorry if took the Friends speech in when Harry met Sally to heart.

[Vercetti]

Meh. I read it. Mostly an excuse to moralize. Extremely oversimplified and based on a very narrow and rigid view of the sexes.

 

Are you the OP?

 

What exactly in the general dynamics is inherently absolutely wrong? Have you or anyone you know suffered a divorce due to emotional affair? You know that narrow rigid view just happens to be a connect the dots for the downward spiral many lived in the destruction of thier relationship? Both parties not being aware of the potential dangers is foolish, cause after it starts the time for warning is up. Fact you got nothing out of it says nothing of the article. " Excuse to moralize " says all need to know of you.

[Heer]

Hello everyone. I'm planning on going to a basketball game with my bf as well as my guy friend and his gf. If everyone's schedule goes well we should all be able to meet. I haven't told my bf or my guyfriend about the basketball game, I'm waiting until all of them can confirm if they can come. Will this help settle the situation with my bf?

 

Also, one more thing, I haven't told Dan about Jeff's "curiousness" about our relationship. The last thing i want is an awkward encounter for all of us. I'm going to meet with him tmrw for lunch and then privately tell him that so that he doesn't get caught off guard.

[Heer]

Are you actually disagreeing with anything I said? Since like I said, this is a two way street. She can walk if she doesn't want to give up her buddy. But don't lie about it, what is the point? If you can only stay in a relationship via lying them..again, I'm honestly dumbfounded as to the point of such a relationship.

 

Thank for your POV Spectre. I guess I can spill some beans on why Dan is important to me. You see, I used to have social anxiety in high school and mostly withdraw myself from class. Other guys usually just flirted with me and majority of girls just ignored me. In came Dan. He was a new student sophomore year and was really quiet. Naturally I was curious about him because in my school there were rarely new students and everyone else in class already had cliques and had their "circles". Naturally I initiated conversation despite me being very shy and we ended up eating and sharing lunch together. I really felt comfortable around him and both of us opened up. It got to the point where he finally spilled his beans. He told me the reason why he moved to my school was because his father had passed away suddenly over the summer and his mother brought him to live with his aunt. He was really sad when he told me this and he told me he was getting counselling from the school because his grades were bad. That night after Dan told me this I was very sad. I became really nice to my father ever since then and I totally changed. I initiated a lot of the conversations and became more socially active. It took months but he finally made some new friends with the guys and he ended up as one of the top football players in the class. It was amazing looking back that he helped me finally to break free of social anxiety and talk to my fellow female friends and I was able to help him assuage his grief and look forward in life.

 

Fast forward to the end of high school I made a lot more friends and became a more social and "normal" girl while Dan really blossomed and moved forward in life. At times I have thought about Dan as a potential partner but it was clear that my feelings for him was that of a friend. This was confirmed when I didn't even feel jealous of him when he got a gf and he even invited my along with his gf for occasional movies and dinners. I look at Dan and his gf and I can honestly feel that they have something special that I cannot replicate. It was only after he got a gf that I actively looked for a bf. I met my bf Jeff 8 months ago and I can feel that my passion for him was different than what I feel for Dan. Since we only met not too long ago I haven't nearly told Jeff as much as I told Dan and as of right now Dan knows me a lot better than Jeff. I feel that this is the reason why Jeff feels threatened.

[smackie9]

Hello everyone. I'm planning on going to a basketball game with my bf as well as my guy friend and his gf. If everyone's schedule goes well we should all be able to meet. I haven't told my bf or my guyfriend about the basketball game, I'm waiting until all of them can confirm if they can come. Will this help settle the situation with my bf?

 

Also, one more thing, I haven't told Dan about Jeff's "curiousness" about our relationship. The last thing i want is an awkward encounter for all of us. I'm going to meet with him tmrw for lunch and then privately tell him that so that he doesn't get caught off guard.

Why do you have to meet him behind your BFs back??? just call him.

[smackie9]

Your BF is not jealous that your friend knows you more....good god woman, you BF doesn't like the idea of a guy being that close, because he KNOWS that guys like your friend secretly want or wanted to bang you. Sorry but it's true. Your friend is keeping things from you, and he never had the guts to make a move, but he did get close by being your cuddle bitch.

 

Time to just be an adult and tell your BF that you want him to meet your friend and his GF. Keeping it a surprise shows your insecurity, and that you don't trust your BF. If any of my BFs did this to me I would be pissed because it says a lot of what they think of me.

[Heer]

Your BF is not jealous that your friend knows you more....good god woman, you BF doesn't like the idea of a guy being that close, because he KNOWS that guys like your friend secretly want or wanted to bang you. Sorry but it's true. Your friend is keeping things from you, and he never had the guts to make a move, but he did get close by being your cuddle bitch.

 

Time to just be an adult and tell your BF that you want him to meet your friend and his GF. Keeping it a surprise shows your insecurity, and that you don't trust your BF. If any of my BFs did this to me I would be pissed because it says a lot of what they think of me.

 

Hello smackie. I'm not going to make the basketball game a surprise, I'll tell my bf and guy friend well in advance and ask them if they are interested in going to basketball game together. I'm hoping to bring up the topic casually.

[anna121]

Are you the OP?

 

What exactly in the general dynamics is inherently absolutely wrong?

 

How about this:

 

"Not only are opposite-sex friendships within marriage risky, they are a form of betrayal. When a person gets married or enters into an exclusive committed relationship, that person expects to be his or her partner's lover, closest and most intimate confidante, and priority. Of course, we all need close friendships outside of our marriage; however, there are plenty of people of our own gender to befriend."

 

Basically, this assumes that any opposite sex friend will be a closer confidante than one's own spouse. Which is patently absurd.

[rocketman122]

im just wondering how you would handle it the other way around.

 

I dont have any women friends that I talk to out of respect for my lady and I demand the same thing too. I dont want sexual energy between me and my lady and other parties. and there is always sexual energy with a man who has a female froiend. there is always a thought of wanting to screw her even if he doesnt say it upfront. you can say what you feel but im certain he would take you to bed, even with his gf together, in a split second. also because men are the pursuers usually and it adds tension for your bf.

 

its also why I dont want any female friends. I dont want to be enticed. and women dont care to have amale friend but your BF doesnt want the male frioend because he knows whats up.

 

just ask yourself if you were willing he had female friends he went and hung out with and talked to on a regular basis. u may say yea sure no problem, but you will not like it. especially if your BF is good looking.

Edited May 31, 2015 by rocketman122

[Spectre]

Uh so it is plainly obvious now the answer to my "have you hung out before alone with Dan after you began dating this guy" is a yes. So now..you plan to once again go hang out alone with this man. I..well, I don't even know what to say. Are you telling your boyfriend you will be out alone with Dan? Or is that another thing you won't tell him unless he specifically asks you?

 

Don't know why you have to speak to the dude in "private". Does he not own a phone or have a computer? You think it is a good idea to meet this guy behind your boyfriends back? On that note, do you think it is a good idea for you to ever be hanging out with this man again in any setting where there isn't at least one other friend with you?

Edited June 1, 2015 by Spectre

[kylle]

Hmm...yeah, I still haven't got my answer if the situation was the other way around...

 

If your bf had a female friend and they were AS CLOSE as you and Dan, would you be confortable?

 

Also, just come clean to your bf and tell him you're meeting Dan. You have nothing to hide, right?

[Spectre]

After seeing the advice the OP gives other people (you want to cheat on your boyfriend? Keep it from him of course) I have to say I don't blame the guy for the lack of trust.

 

Basically, I think you need to now pick either your bf or Dan.

[Keenly]

If the genders were reversed, I wonder if opinions would shift.

 

 

Lets say I'm dating a girl for 8 months and I have a very close friend named Natalie.

 

Natalie and I have cuddled before, and we have known each other a long time and we are pretty close.

 

My girlfriend starts getting suspicious.

 

 

In an unbiased walkthrough of this scenario (the bias being that we know this is not the real situation) would opinions of friends, strangers, etc. remain the same as they are now?

 

I don't think they would.

[minime13]

If the genders were reversed, I wonder if opinions would shift.

 

 

Lets say I'm dating a girl for 8 months and I have a very close friend named Natalie.

 

Natalie and I have cuddled before, and we have known each other a long time and we are pretty close.

 

My girlfriend starts getting suspicious.

 

 

In an unbiased walkthrough of this scenario (the bias being that we know this is not the real situation) would opinions of friends, strangers, etc. remain the same as they are now?

 

I don't think they would.

 

Also, you and Natalie talked about crossing the line that time you cuddled, and promised each other to keep it a secret.

 

The problem I have with it is this is how you give people trust issues.