Spectre Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Also, you flat out lied about Natalie to your girlfriend and then decided to play childish games by saying you'd only reveal the truth if flat out asked. Oh, and you've been hanging out with Natalie alone even after you began dating your girlfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 You have to be careful not to lose your bf over a friend and the way to do it is certainly not to put extra passwords on your phone, but to do just the opposite. Step one - take off the password. Give him access to your FB, email, phone... If you have nothing to hide, what's the big deal? Step two - do not meet Dan alone, ever. Meet him with your bf or with Dan's gf or someone else... never alone. Do not drink with him either. If Dan is ignoring your bf or treats him as someone who is extra baggage in the company, that is not a good sign. Dan has to be a friend of a relationship to avoid stressing it out. Step three - Do not share any more of intimate information with him, especially not if you have not shared it with your bf. If you are more close with another guy, you will just make Jeff more suspicious and push him away. Normal reaction. That is how you keep the healthy relationship with both. BTW, does your bf know that you were considering Dan as a partner and were cuddling with him? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 You have to be careful not to lose your bf over a friend and the way to do it is certainly not to put extra passwords on your phone, but to do just the opposite. Step one - take off the password. Give him access to your FB, email, phone... If you have nothing to hide, what's the big deal? Step two - do not meet Dan alone, ever. Meet him with your bf or with Dan's gf or someone else... never alone. Do not drink with him either. If Dan is ignoring your bf or treats him as someone who is extra baggage in the company, that is not a good sign. Dan has to be a friend of a relationship to avoid stressing it out. Step three - Do not share any more of intimate information with him, especially not if you have not shared it with your bf. If you are more close with another guy, you will just make Jeff more suspicious and push him away. Normal reaction. That is how you keep the healthy relationship with both. BTW, does your bf know that you were considering Dan as a partner and were cuddling with him? I agree with this. I also think that hanging out together is a necessity for everyone. There should be no awkwardness at all if you love your BF and feel comfortable kissing and touching him in front of Dan. You'll find out if you are comfortable openly showing affection toward your BF in front of Dan. Your BF will feel more secure. Dan will know if he really has some possessiveness about you. Have to do it. Don't ask them if they want to. Tell them that you need this, that you need everyone to get together. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Just to be clear since someone asked, the OP said her boyfriend does not know about her past with Dan. She said she will never tell him unless he specifically asks. Which was just one of many red flags. So OP, are you still around? What happened? Did you meet Dan alone? Have you told your boyfriend all the information he deserves to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heer Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just to be clear since someone asked, the OP said her boyfriend does not know about her past with Dan. She said she will never tell him unless he specifically asks. Which was just one of many red flags. So OP, are you still around? What happened? Did you meet Dan alone? Have you told your boyfriend all the information he deserves to know? Hello, Sorry for late reply, I've been a bit busy but I can report that Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf, and I watched the Avengers and had dinner Saturday night. I feel that we all had a really good time and there was no awkwardness. Jeff and Dan had a lot of small talk while I socialized with Dan's gf. It ended on a good note and if time permits Jeff said that he really wants to do this group outing again. He hasn't asked me anything more about Dan but i honestly feel that we are all on the same page now. Spectre I'm not entirely convinced that I should just tell Jeff about my past relationship with Dan. One of the reason is because I've asked him about his past relationships and flings and he didn't really tell me much. I never pushed that subject any further. I'm really hoping to cross that bridge when I get to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 It's one thing to not point out some one you dated that you both run into at a party, but it's another if you are going to socialize with him on a regular basis. I did the don't ask, don't tell thing and it blew up in my face. Just a quick "we dated at one time" for a heads up would be enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Hello, Sorry for late reply, I've been a bit busy but I can report that Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf, and I watched the Avengers and had dinner Saturday night. I feel that we all had a really good time and there was no awkwardness. Jeff and Dan had a lot of small talk while I socialized with Dan's gf. It ended on a good note and if time permits Jeff said that he really wants to do this group outing again. He hasn't asked me anything more about Dan but i honestly feel that we are all on the same page now. Spectre I'm not entirely convinced that I should just tell Jeff about my past relationship with Dan. One of the reason is because I've asked him about his past relationships and flings and he didn't really tell me much. I never pushed that subject any further. I'm really hoping to cross that bridge when I get to it. Your response showcases more then ever why this relationship needs to end. You are going to blatantly lie to him unless he asks. You use a lame excuse, which is he didn't tell you much about his past flings. The problem is you have no reason to believe he lied about any flings and no reason to believe he hangs out with any of them. So that isn't a valid reason to keep the truth from him. You also realize there was no awkwardness when you all hung out because you've been lying to your boyfriend about Dan, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 You're going about this all wrong if you plan to have a future with Jeff. The real reason you are doing this is you still want both of them in your life. You know that having a close friend ,whom you claim is platonic, as close as Dan is will be a threat. Not only to Jeff, but to any man you have a relationship with should you and Jeff not pan out. Jeff's gut is telling him there is more than you say, but he's backed off. You even admitted that you would be jealous if you knew that Jeff had done exactly what you have done with Dan. Your friendship is far from platonic with Dan as you say it is. I just would say that you be very mindful of boundaries. I would not be sharing you and Jeff's problems with Dan. That would be seen as betrayal by Jeff since he already is suspicious. You are also wrong for spoon feeding Dan into your relationship. This is a subliminal way to make it seem that everything is ok without Jeff knowing the full truth about Dan. This is being deceptive and you know it is. It can backfire on you and Jeff. I realize your relationship with Jeff is new, but if you love him like you say you do, tell him the truth and let him make his own decision about Dan. Not the one you are trying to deceive him with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Actually the more I think about this? It is utterly disrespectful for her to have her boyfriend hanging out with this Dan guy..all the while making a damn fool of him by not telling him the truth. So while DAN knows all about your little cuddling and stuff in the past, your bf is made to look stupid ALL so you can merely have both guys in your life. I feel like it is hard to believe you care about your boyfriend as much as you say. Why humiliate him by putting him in the same room as Dan..all the while knowing you are lying to him about Dan? That right there is a dumpable offense, why make a fool of the guy you love just so you can continue to hang out with Dan? I think at this point you are stuck. You had the chance to be a good girlfriend and be honest with Jeff about Dan before you had them hanging out together with you. You did not take that chance, and now any honesty on your part will probably be met with distrust and with you not being allowed to see Dan. It is obvious you will do anything to prevent Dan from leaving your life..including lying to a guy you claim to love and making a fool of him. At this point it is painfully obvious your male friend is more important to you then your boyfriend. What is even the point of such a relationship? Edited June 10, 2015 by Spectre 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Don't keep your BF in the dark about your past relationship with Dan. If you and your BF move forward into a more committed relationship, the truth will come out at some point. He will find out, and when he does he will feel extremely deceived and even betrayed by your lack of disclosure. There is an old longstanding rule that ex-lovers should never be part of any committed relationship or marriage. You think that your feelings towards Dan are benign. But that is now. What happens if you and your BF marry and five or ten years down the road the relationship goes stale and you start having feelings for Dan again? I think you need to re-think your priorities. If you see a future of marriage with the BF, then at some point you need to cut ties with Dan. It will suck, but it is the only way to protect yourself from temptation down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 You're going about this all wrong if you plan to have a future with Jeff. The real reason you are doing this is you still want both of them in your life. You know that having a close friend ,whom you claim is platonic, as close as Dan is will be a threat. Not only to Jeff, but to any man you have a relationship with should you and Jeff not pan out. Jeff's gut is telling him there is more than you say, but he's backed off. You even admitted that you would be jealous if you knew that Jeff had done exactly what you have done with Dan. Your friendship is far from platonic with Dan as you say it is. I just would say that you be very mindful of boundaries. I would not be sharing you and Jeff's problems with Dan. That would be seen as betrayal by Jeff since he already is suspicious. You are also wrong for spoon feeding Dan into your relationship. This is a subliminal way to make it seem that everything is ok without Jeff knowing the full truth about Dan. This is being deceptive and you know it is. It can backfire on you and Jeff. I realize your relationship with Jeff is new, but if you love him like you say you do, tell him the truth and let him make his own decision about Dan. Not the one you are trying to deceive him with. Dan is a satellite male. She keeps him around as a bolster to her ego, and that is wrong. She needs to make a choice between the two men. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 "BF jealous of my best guy friend and ME." Well that's my OCD out in the open...I've been wanting to put that right since the thread first posted.... I couldn't fight the urge any longer!! Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I think if she see's any kind of future then Dan 100% has to go, completely. No, not even hanging out with him in groups is okay. The funny/ironic thing is..you maybe COULD of had that, if you'd been honest from the beginning. But you weren't, you played games, made your boyfriend look like a fool. The consequences have to be no more Dan. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 You're going about this all wrong if you plan to have a future with Jeff. The real reason you are doing this is you still want both of them in your life. You know that having a close friend ,whom you claim is platonic, as close as Dan is will be a threat. Not only to Jeff, but to any man you have a relationship with should you and Jeff not pan out. Jeff's gut is telling him there is more than you say, but he's backed off. You even admitted that you would be jealous if you knew that Jeff had done exactly what you have done with Dan. Your friendship is far from platonic with Dan as you say it is. I just would say that you be very mindful of boundaries. I would not be sharing you and Jeff's problems with Dan. That would be seen as betrayal by Jeff since he already is suspicious. You are also wrong for spoon feeding Dan into your relationship. This is a subliminal way to make it seem that everything is ok without Jeff knowing the full truth about Dan. This is being deceptive and you know it is. It can backfire on you and Jeff. I realize your relationship with Jeff is new, but if you love him like you say you do, tell him the truth and let him make his own decision about Dan. Not the one you are trying to deceive him with. Actually some good points, here....... Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Dan is a satellite male. She keeps him around as a bolster to her ego, and that is wrong. She needs to make a choice between the two men. Actually they both need to come to a decision when the whole truth is presented. The wrong done here is that Heer is being deceitful about her true relationship with Dan. Her not cutting him out completely speaks volumes about how important he is to her. Which will always be a threat to Jeff and their relationship. My prediction is her and Jeff won't last because she is not willing to sacrifice Dan for him. It may also fail because she is injecting dishonesty about her and Dan's past which is very relevant Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Hello, Sorry for late reply, I've been a bit busy but I can report that Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf, and I watched the Avengers and had dinner Saturday night. I feel that we all had a really good time and there was no awkwardness. Jeff and Dan had a lot of small talk while I socialized with Dan's gf. It ended on a good note and if time permits Jeff said that he really wants to do this group outing again. He hasn't asked me anything more about Dan but i honestly feel that we are all on the same page now. Spectre I'm not entirely convinced that I should just tell Jeff about my past relationship with Dan. One of the reason is because I've asked him about his past relationships and flings and he didn't really tell me much. I never pushed that subject any further. I'm really hoping to cross that bridge when I get to it. Glad it went well. Like someone else mentioned, boundaries are really important now. Increasing your time with Dan at this point would be a terrible idea. Link to post Share on other sites
nina_x Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I think if she see's any kind of future then Dan 100% has to go, completely. No, not even hanging out with him in groups is okay. The funny/ironic thing is..you maybe COULD of had that, if you'd been honest from the beginning. But you weren't, you played games, made your boyfriend look like a fool. The consequences have to be no more Dan. Why shouldn't they hang out in groups? Why should Dan go? Because YOU think it's inappropriate for her to keep a close friend? Come on! Friendship is friendship and she never had ANYHTING with Dan! She isn't lying also, she is probably omitting parts of the story because her control freak of a boyfriend will freak out if he knows. Why should she tell him? What good would that do? You are just going against OP on purpose to piss her off. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Why shouldn't they hang out in groups? Why should Dan go? Because YOU think it's inappropriate for her to keep a close friend? Come on! Friendship is friendship and she never had ANYHTING with Dan! She isn't lying also, she is probably omitting parts of the story because her control freak of a boyfriend will freak out if he knows. Why should she tell him? What good would that do? You are just going against OP on purpose to piss her off. Perhaps you need to read the whole thread, and all of her responses to where she admits crossing lines with Dan and agreed to keep their full relationship secret from future lovers. Her boyfriend is right to be suspicious because of this first, because she is simply discounting his concerns and second, because she's being deceitful. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 That's OK the OP is quite satisfied with how she decided to handle it. She is prepared to deal with it her way when he finds out or asks about any past relationship with Dan. By her BFs vagueness about his past, I doubt he's gonna be too disappointed.....I'm sure he has his own skeletons in his closet. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 That's OK the OP is quite satisfied with how she decided to handle it. She is prepared to deal with it her way when he finds out or asks about any past relationship with Dan. By her BFs vagueness about his past, I doubt he's gonna be too disappointed.....I'm sure he has his own skeletons in his closet. True,but Jeff may not be best friends with his skeletons Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 No but maybe he visited hookers instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Why shouldn't they hang out in groups? Why should Dan go? Because YOU think it's inappropriate for her to keep a close friend? Come on! Friendship is friendship and she never had ANYHTING with Dan! She isn't lying also, she is probably omitting parts of the story because her control freak of a boyfriend will freak out if he knows. Why should she tell him? What good would that do? You are just going against OP on purpose to piss her off. So apparently you and the person who liked your post just didn't read the entire thread. Good to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 That's OK the OP is quite satisfied with how she decided to handle it. She is prepared to deal with it her way when he finds out or asks about any past relationship with Dan. By her BFs vagueness about his past, I doubt he's gonna be too disappointed.....I'm sure he has his own skeletons in his closet. Of course she is satisfied, she gets to lie to her boyfriend and keep this other dude in her life. The only person who has lost here is her boyfriend, so she of course has every reason to be satisfied. So because the OP said he was "vague" about his past(conveniently only when she needed an excuse for her own continued lying) it means he won't be disappointed someone he is dating is lying to him and making him look foolish? Because yeah, from that one vague line we got about it of course you could conclude he has skeleton in his closet, probably hookers right? No but maybe he visited hookers instead. Of course! Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 So apparently you and the person who liked your post just didn't read the entire thread. Good to know. Still haven't settled down? Valium .... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nina_x Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 So apparently you and the person who liked your post just didn't read the entire thread. Good to know. Yes I did, you're the one who's making a hell of big deal out of this. Even Jeff let it go already. You speak like OP should be treated as a property of her BF. Honestly, why would she tell details about her past relationship with Dan? Why would that do any good? Jeff didn't tell her probably because it would do no good. It's the same the other way around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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