smackie9 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Stop poking the sleeping bear.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heer Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 It's one thing to not point out some one you dated that you both run into at a party, but it's another if you are going to socialize with him on a regular basis. I did the don't ask, don't tell thing and it blew up in my face. Just a quick "we dated at one time" for a heads up would be enough. Hello, thank you for your response. Look, I have never dated Dan. It never happened before, it isn't happening, and it will never happen. At some point we passed the point of "are we compatible as bf and gf" and the answer was "no" for the both of us. Yes we were close but we never dated. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He and Dan need to meet. You need to cool it with Dan just a bit. Also, I haven't read the whole thread, but you don't absolutely KNOW your bf has been snooping. In the end, you don't tie two dogs to the same tree. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Hello everyone. I'm planning on going to a basketball game with my bf as well as my guy friend and his gf. If everyone's schedule goes well we should all be able to meet. I haven't told my bf or my guyfriend about the basketball game, I'm waiting until all of them can confirm if they can come. Will this help settle the situation with my bf? Also, one more thing, I haven't told Dan about Jeff's "curiousness" about our relationship. The last thing i want is an awkward encounter for all of us. I'm going to meet with him tmrw for lunch and then privately tell him that so that he doesn't get caught off guard. Whatever you do, don't EVER tell Dan about the dynamics of your relationship with Jeff other them you love your BF to death. This would be a death blow. I bet you money if you told Dan, "Let's hook up." He'd do it immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Sorry I stand corrected, you didn't date, he was your cuddle b itch.....that is still shared intimacy which would be even more difficult to explain because that is unresolved attraction, which would be even more difficult to explain yourself out of....and had to be the one that had to stifle it because you were dating someone new. I agree with the above, given a chance Dan would have slept with you at the drop of a hat. Your BF is no fool, he knows guys because he is one himself. I think he has already figured it out that something probably was intimate between you two at one time. That's why he was scoping out info about him on your FB page. He is wondering why you have this guy in your life. Him having a GF means squat in a guys perspective. To him he feels there had to be romantic feelings of some kind, and possibly those feelings are still there......his perspective, not yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Its funny, there is a whole thread on the infidelity forum about a mans wife, who he has been married to for almost two decades, who had two children by another male who his wife worked with, the husband met, and the other guy was married. It went on for 15 years. I'll bet if he had been suspicious or questioned things he would have been slammed with being insecure, nosy, or controlling. After reading this thread, it seems that most guys are on her BFs side which should tell all the naysers out there that guys KNOW other guys and that perhaps more honorable discretion and empathy from the OP to her BF is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Cuddle bitches are generally harmless that way tho. I mean, they never get laid - they just fantasize about it endlessly and hate on the guys who do. That's why they're cuddle bitches. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Cuddle bitches are generally harmless that way tho. I mean, they never get laid - they just fantasize about it endlessly and hate on the guys who do. That's why they're cuddle bitches. true dat, but it's not the OP the BF worries about, it's about the guy that orbits around her. He trusts her, not him......you know that old chestnut. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The psychology around that's pretty funny - The woman irrationally thinks the cuddle bitch is just a 'friend' and has no aspirations, even tho she should know better. She very accurately knows however that he will never have sex with her. (She would never allow it.) The man irrationally thinks the guy is a threat, even tho he should know better bc women never sleep* with cuddle bitches. He very accurately knows however exactly what the guy's real aspirations are. * humorously they do literally sleep with them from time to time, as in lie in bed next to them sleeping. But they never have sex. So both men and women are right and wrong about cuddle bitches and have sound and irrational ideas about them. (There are exceptions of course, as always. Some guys have no fear of cuddle bitches, and some women deliberately keep cuddle bitches in that specific role.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kenji_t Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Guys don't like their women talking to another guy if the dude clearly shows no respect for her relationship and eats her with the eyes. Threat or not...it's just annoying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heer Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 The psychology around that's pretty funny - The woman irrationally thinks the cuddle bitch is just a 'friend' and has no aspirations, even tho she should know better. She very accurately knows however that he will never have sex with her. (She would never allow it.) The man irrationally thinks the guy is a threat, even tho he should know better bc women never sleep* with cuddle bitches. He very accurately knows however exactly what the guy's real aspirations are. * humorously they do literally sleep with them from time to time, as in lie in bed next to them sleeping. But they never have sex. So both men and women are right and wrong about cuddle bitches and have sound and irrational ideas about them. (There are exceptions of course, as always. Some guys have no fear of cuddle bitches, and some women deliberately keep cuddle bitches in that specific role.) Thats an interesting thought. I mean if Dan wanted to have sex with me back then I don't know how I would react. But the fact is that we never crossed that bridge and I feel that we've lost that "moment" forever. I don't know if I would call Dan a "cuddle bitch" though:o:o:o Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't know if I would call Dan a "cuddle bitch" though:o:o:o Try it. Maybe it's what he's been thinking, too. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 What you're doing is wrong. You're upset because you've been caught. Hiding behind excuses does not vindicate yourself from what you're doing. Throughout the entire thread you also withheld important information from people trying to help you. We can only help with what is given to us. If you seek help essentially about lying, while giving a lie to the people helping, you get a fat wad of uselessness. If you can't be honest with your man what is the point? It is simply not okay to hang out with someone you were intimate with (intimacy goes beyond sex) without disclosing those details to your partner. At least give them the grace and respect to decide if that is something they want to live with instead of having the audacity to presume that he would be okay with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry, but saying the guy is "irrational" because he feels this "cuddle buddy" might be a threat is utter nonsense. Don't act like these types of relationships never in the history of time and space turned into something more. More importantly, his girlfriend has already lied to him about a bunch of things, so how can he even trust that they never went beyond cuddling? This isn't the guys fault. Don't blame him. Anyone with common sense would see red flags. Of course I'm talking as if he has been given all the info, which he hasn't. But if he did know..he'd then have no reason to trust her. Yes I did, you're the one who's making a hell of big deal out of this. Even Jeff let it go already. You speak like OP should be treated as a property of her BF. Honestly, why would she tell details about her past relationship with Dan? Why would that do any good? Jeff didn't tell her probably because it would do no good. It's the same the other way around. Lady, don't say you read it and then act like you didn't. Jeff has not been given the entire truth, so it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to "let it go". She made a damn fool of him by bringing him around this other man before giving him the entire truth. But yes, continue to gloss over that. We get it, you think the OP has done nothing wrong by her lying and manipulation. For other people though, being lied to and manipulated might bother them. So the guy deserves the truth whether you like it or not. I know he won't be given it, I can already tell from the OP's posts. She will continue to make a fool of this man and that is unfortunate, just like the fact you ignore red flags to defend the OP because..reasons? Edited June 21, 2015 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 oh well the OP has moved on.....whatever happens happens....it's her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heer Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 I'm sorry, but saying the guy is "irrational" because he feels this "cuddle buddy" might be a threat is utter nonsense. Don't act like these types of relationships never in the history of time and space turned into something more. More importantly, his girlfriend has already lied to him about a bunch of things, so how can he even trust that they never went beyond cuddling? This isn't the guys fault. Don't blame him. Anyone with common sense would see red flags. Of course I'm talking as if he has been given all the info, which he hasn't. But if he did know..he'd then have no reason to trust her. Lady, don't say you read it and then act like you didn't. Jeff has not been given the entire truth, so it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to "let it go". She made a damn fool of him by bringing him around this other man before giving him the entire truth. But yes, continue to gloss over that. We get it, you think the OP has done nothing wrong by her lying and manipulation. For other people though, being lied to and manipulated might bother them. So the guy deserves the truth whether you like it or not. I know he won't be given it, I can already tell from the OP's posts. She will continue to make a fool of this man and that is unfortunate, just like the fact you ignore red flags to defend the OP because..reasons? Hello, I value all your feedback. I understand your position Spectre but the reason why I decided not to tell everything is because he hasn't asked me for more info. I admit that I didn't tell the entire truth the first time around because it wouldn't have been comfortable for him, and I wasn't comfortable as well. Jeff and I had gotten close and the topic of past lovers and flings only came up once and I answered kinda dodgy and he did as well. I have a rough idea of his past relationships just like he has of my past relationships. I just don't want to be the one that brings up this topic because it made the both of us uncomfortable. Ever since I suspected him of looking through my phone he's stopped talking about Dan and I changed my password. I know that to some changing the password wasn't a good idea I didn't feel that he had a right to my phone. I will show him my phone if he asks and have a good reason though. I'm hoping that hanging out together more can help ease Jeff's mind. In terms of Dan and I, we only hang out 2-3 times a week and most of the time its for schoolwork and coffee and I tell my bf that I hang out with him on friendly terms as a friend and as a fellow classmate. I know that he hangs out with his own female classmates for schoolwork as well, so I think we have an understanding on that, even though we have not explicitly talked about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) Here is the thing..he hasn't asked you for more info because he believed what you told him. He doesn't know he hasn't been given the entire truth, so why would he ask? So I am sorry to say I feel you are using that as a cop out. You say you will tell him if he asked, but you already told him a half truth and he has no reason to ask for more because for some reason he trusted your word. You also hang out with Dan 2-3 times a week, the fact that you still hang out with him isn't good. Even if your boyfriend hangs out with school mates..they probably aren't best friends who used to be "cuddle buddies" and who he has also lied to you about. Frankly it comes down to this: if you have any respect for your boyfriend you will tell him the truth regardless of if he asks. You don't feel he has a right to your phone, but you do feel you have the right to bring him around guys you haven't even told him the entire truth about. Also, one thing you said showed this wasn't just a cuddle buddy. Here, I quote: "Thats an interesting thought. I mean if Dan wanted to have sex with me back then I don't know how I would react." Translation: there is a chance I might of slept with Dan if he made a move. That is all that needs to be said in terms of why Dan needs to go. You basically either respect your boyfriend or you don't. Unfortunately your lies and manipulation have left you in a tough spot. If you tell the truth I doubt your bf will ever be okay with you being around Dan. Who knows, he might not mind, but if he finds out you are probably going to have to make a choice and that is probably why you are saying you won't tell him the truth unless he asks. In other words, this other man is so important you lie to your bf and manipulate him just to keep him in your life. You realize that right there is a dumpable offense, yes? Edited June 23, 2015 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Over kill. Shoulda coulda woulda, BUT it never happened. Speculating on something that May have happened in the past....well it's in the past...there is no point, everyone has moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Over kill. Shoulda coulda woulda, BUT it never happened. Speculating on something that May have happened in the past....well it's in the past...there is no point, everyone has moved on. If it was just the past, Dan wouldn't be in the present. Link to post Share on other sites
Emmie83 Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 If it was just the past, Dan wouldn't be in the present. Why would he not be, if he is just a friend now. unless the OP has feelings for him deeper than friendship...than obviously that's not right. I have my past with ex's and cuddle buddies from years ago and am still friends with them to this day and my partner has no problem with that and vice versa....because, it is the past and he and I are confident in our relationship and upfront and honest about all. I would suggest to the OP that if she has feelings for her friend, don't string the bf along and if she doesn't...and genuinely wants to stay in her relationship with him, she needs to be open and honest about the past if it worries him so much. Also have Dan and his lady around for a BBQ or something. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Why would he not be, if he is just a friend now. unless the OP has feelings for him deeper than friendship...than obviously that's not right. I have my past with ex's and cuddle buddies from years ago and am still friends with them to this day and my partner has no problem with that and vice versa....because, it is the past and he and I are confident in our relationship and upfront and honest about all. I would suggest to the OP that if she has feelings for her friend, don't string the bf along and if she doesn't...and genuinely wants to stay in her relationship with him, she needs to be open and honest about the past if it worries him so much. Also have Dan and his lady around for a BBQ or something. You misinterpret what I wrote. If what happened with Dan was just in the past, it wouldn't be affecting the OP in the present. Your second statement is on point. However, and this is a big however; this is all predicated on the assumption she'll be completely honest and that Dan harbors no lingering feelings and that she isn't just suppressing hers. The lack of forthcoming information and reluctance to be honest with her bf and this board puts doubt in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) because, it is the past and he and I are confident in our relationship and upfront and honest about all. You hit the nail on the head though: the OP has NOT been completely honest with her boyfriend like you were with your partner. Maybe she should take a page from your book. Also there is a world of difference between keeping in touch with an ex or something and hanging out with that person 2-3 times a week. I won't call this a cuddle buddy because a person will never say "I don't know how I'd respond if they tried to bang me" when referencing a cuddle buddy, it would be a straight up "I could never see myself doing sexual things with this person", but that wasn't said. At this point though, she put herself into a corner. She has already lied to her boyfriend about Dan. She already brought Dan and her boyfriend into the same room without divulging the entire truth. She can't now come clean and then still expect him to be okay with her being around this Dan guy. He'd be well within his rights to say "you can't see this guy" and it wouldn't be at all unreasonable considering the games that have been played just to keep the guy in her life. I think if the OP wants to truly save this relationship either Dan needs to go or she can never tell her boyfriend the truth. I already know which option will be likely chosen, so I feel bad for the boyfriend. Over kill. Shoulda coulda woulda, BUT it never happened. Speculating on something that May have happened in the past....well it's in the past...there is no point, everyone has moved on. No see if everyone had moved on she would of been 100% up front with her boyfriend about everything and not lying to him just to keep some other dude in her life. Edited June 26, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Oh well such as life. The OP chose her path, and hasn't been back.....things must be ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I actually found this thread to be a really good one in a way as it seems to be a common thread among many relationships and dating situations. Even if the OP is gone I think having this around and up front for people to read will greatly improve their love lives if they follow the advice given here. I really hope for the best because she has good intentions on both sides but can't quite seem to be 100% on the delivery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heer Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 Hello everyone. I've been trying to get Jeff and Dan together and I feel that the both of them are quite cordial and have had some small talk about boy things. I really did think that them meeting was a big one and that it really helped my bf ease his uneasiness. He hasn't talked to me about Dan yet and he's told me its ok if I hang out with friends. I also reciprocated. In retrospect I still don't know if I should have told Jeff about the "cuddling" between Dan and I. I felt that it would've been to much too fast if I just blurted out. As of right now Jeff and I are focused on each other as well as school. In regards to Dan, my bf now knows that I've been very good friends with him and have been an old and good friend to me. I've scaled back the time I spend with Dan because he has a gf as well. We only spend time studying together and grabbing coffee a few times a week. I don't know, but I guess it kinda worked out??:confused: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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