BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[road]

most men would not be OK with their significant other hanging out with someone they "cuddled that night and shared a bed" with while they were naked. The truth is, most people do not sleep and cuddle naked with people that are just friends,

 

 

 

 

If the OP thinks that all that naked sharing of bed's is ok why did she hide and still is hiding this fact from her now XBF?

 

The OP lied by omission.

 

The OP was still posting here since late last night and ignores and will not address why she lied by omission.

Edited October 5, 2015 by road

[MovingOnIsHard]

OP, consider this:

 

How would you feel if your new man, whom you are in love with, is best friends with a woman who he used to cuddle naked with in bed? Hangs out with her alone, a lot?

[qubist]

Why did you leave out the part that when you shared the bed you and Dan were naked?

NAKED !!!!!!

How did I miss that? Did she say that? How do you know that Road? Are you Dan:D ?

[kgcolonel]

NAKED !!!!!!

How did I miss that? Did she say that? How do you know that Road? Are you Dan:D ?

 

She had a previous thread where this was mentioned. One thing though, from the previous thread, this "Naked Cuddling" occurred before she and Jeff got together from what I remember. Never the less, I can see that Jeff was on to something and it would have been the more mature thing to have acknowledge that once there was some activity of this nature to Jeff instead of complete denial. This, I believe led to the demise of the R as Jeff was feeling it but Heer never acknowledge and worked with Jeff (from what we read) to help him through this. I am thinking everyone here is very young and hopefully it will serve as a learning experience of "what not to do" in future relationships for everyone. I also believe that Heer should inform Dan of the reason why she and Jeff broke up. This might help him respect future relationships in the event he and Heer do not get together later.

[qubist]

She had a previous thread where this was mentioned. One thing though, from the previous thread, this "Naked Cuddling" occurred before she and Jeff got together from what I remember. Never the less, I can see that Jeff was on to something and it would have been the more mature thing to have acknowledge that once there was some activity of this nature to Jeff instead of complete denial. This, I believe led to the demise of the R as Jeff was feeling it but Heer never acknowledge and worked with Jeff (from what we read) to help him through this. I am thinking everyone here is very young and hopefully it will serve as a learning experience of "what not to do" in future relationships for everyone. I also believe that Heer should inform Dan of the reason why she and Jeff broke up. This might help him respect future relationships in the event he and Heer do not get together later.

Thanks Colonel, i know they are from a different generation but I still think that sleeping with another guy naked is cheating even if no sex was involved which I seriously doubt. I swear when I read her comment "shared bad with Dan but it was loveless" first thing came to mind that she had sex with him but It was loveless. Then I thought she would mention that important detail if it happened. I really believe that she most likely did have sex with Dan

[PaperCrane]

Thanks Colonel, i know they are from a different generation but I still think that sleeping with another guy naked is cheating even if no sex was involved which I seriously doubt. I swear when I read her comment "shared bad with Dan but it was loveless" first thing came to mind that she had sex with him but It was loveless. Then I thought she would mention that important detail if it happened. I really believe that she most likely did have sex with Dan

 

They were not together at the time. I'll do a quick recap so people don't get confused and end up assuming things;

 

Dan and Heer did their thing in high school. Heer and Jeff got together afterwards.

 

Heer and Dan stayed in contact without her disclosing all details to Jeff.

Also bought Dan way too much stuff and spent amounts of time inappropriate for a girl in a relationship to spend with another man.

 

Jeff got suspicious, called her out on it. Insert months of pretty much nothing other than hemming and hawwing on both sides.

 

Jeff finally snaps and now we're here.

 

She did not cheat on Jeff, that part is clear. However there was an EA and lies by omission going on that ultimately killed the RL.

 

Can we put this thing to rest already?

[Spectre]

Hi everyone!! Thank you for all your advice. I went to his place Tuesday night and had a clear conversation with him. I really didn't have that much stuff but we talked for quite a while. Basically, he told me that he was sorry for how he acted the last time we met and that he didn't mean what he said. He said that he was emotional and that he really didn't like it when I talked to Dan. He told me that he knows that I don't meet Dan that much anymore but he really hates that he has touched me. I told him that I know it may be hard ti understand but Dan and I really have nothing going on. Dan and I cuddled that night and shared a bed but it was loveless. My heart was not there.

 

Its just that my feelings for you (jeff) and Dan are totally different. He then asked me if I hung out with Dan. I told him the truth that we don't hang out nearly as much anymore. He asked me if I was happy and I said that it was a change but overall yes, but you weren't happy. He then asked me if this is the last time we should meet...and I paused. I said that my goal here tonight was to say goodbye. I told him if he knew how much I cried for this realtionship and he said he had no idea. He told me that he thinks its better if we part ways because we're not compatible. At this moment I was very sad. I told him that I really liked him and that was the truth but I've gone through too much and its better if we focus on the studies. It was then that I left because my friend was here to pick me up.

 

He texted me later that night to see if I made it home alright and I said I was fine. I felt so confused last night....I feel like I'm in limbo.

 

I'm sorry but just to me you shouldn't be saying things like "you know how much I cried over this relationship". You caused this relationship to turn sour with your lying and manipulation. If you felt that bad over it you wouldn't of behaved that way. Actions speak louder then words. Your words might of said "Dan is only a friend" but your actions did not. Likewise you say you really like him but have "gone through too much" but all you had to deal with was books being thrown, you weren't being jerked around by your partner like Jeff was. You knew he hated the stuff you had done with Dan and yet you showed up in front of him sporting gifts for Dan nonetheless. I mean you get it..you guys are not compatible, but you realize this is 100% because of the way you carried on with Dan right? Since I think it would be unfortunate for you to walk away from this relationship without having truly learned anything. So this is not that you and Jeff aren't compatible, this is that you and DAN are not compatible if you are ever in a relationship with another guy who isn't Dan. So again please remember the problem was not Jeff.

 

Next time you like a guy? Get rid of Dan.

 

Also my last question: Jeff said sorry to you. Did YOU ever apologize to him for the way you behaved in this relationship?

Edited October 5, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

Well there you go, you both are not compatible because your perspectives are on different pages. We all love to be in a relationship and be cared for.....but some have more rules than others so it can't work out. You both are young, and still learning about relationships, which is normal, most of us have gone though these changes....just one of life's lessons. I feel as you go through life, you will look back on this with more clarity through mature/wise eyes.

 

Oh well you have bigger fish to fry, and that's your studies....finals are coming up soon are they not? I wish you well, and much happiness.

[kgcolonel]

Well said Smackie.......

[Silverlight]

Thanks Colonel, i know they are from a different generation but I still think that sleeping with another guy naked is cheating even if no sex was involved which I seriously doubt. I swear when I read her comment "shared bad with Dan but it was loveless" first thing came to mind that she had sex with him but It was loveless. Then I thought she would mention that important detail if it happened. I really believe that she most likely did have sex with Dan

Honestly that part kind of struck me as odd. First it's just cuddling in bed together. Then it's cuddling naked? Do you often hear of people just opting to cuddle naked in bed with one another but not have sex? I dunno. I think she did have sex with him after all. It just doesn't add up.

[GunslingerRoland]

Can't fault your bf for having good instincts in this case... you're a beautiful woman. If you want your bf's to not be jealous you can't keep guys who've had clearly non platonic contact with in the past hanging around you....

[Heer]

 

Also my last question: Jeff said sorry to you. Did YOU ever apologize to him for the way you behaved in this relationship?

 

Hi Spectre. Yes, I did apologize to him for not telling him. I was scared to tell him about Dan early on in the relationship because I've never opened up to another guy other than Dan. I tried to balance Jeff and Dan by spending time together and I did cut back on time with Dan to spend more time with Jeff. But let me repeat this, my feelings for Jeff is totally different than for Dan. Its like a feeling between a brother and a husband. Its totally different. The cuddling really made Jeff sad but I told him that it was nothing. It happenened so long ago so it really doesn't matter. I was a kid that didn't know any better, but it wasn't sexual and it didn't become sexual. I know it can be hard to digest and I should've been honest earlier:(

[Try]

I should've been honest earlier:(

If you learned nothing else on this thread, please keep this in mind for next time.

[qubist]

Hi Spectre. Yes, I did apologize to him for not telling him. I was scared to tell him about Dan early on in the relationship because I've never opened up to another guy other than Dan. I tried to balance Jeff and Dan by spending time together and I did cut back on time with Dan to spend more time with Jeff. But let me repeat this, my feelings for Jeff is totally different than for Dan. Its like a feeling between a brother and a husband. Its totally different. The cuddling really made Jeff sad but I told him that it was nothing. It happenened so long ago so it really doesn't matter. I was a kid that didn't know any better, but it wasn't sexual and it didn't become sexual. I know it can be hard to digest and I should've been honest earlier:(

 

you are still young take this whole experience as a relationship lesson that would serve you in your next relationship whether with Jeff or somebody else.

good luck

[PaperCrane]

Hi Spectre. Yes, I did apologize to him for not telling him. I was scared to tell him about Dan early on in the relationship because I've never opened up to another guy other than Dan. I tried to balance Jeff and Dan by spending time together and I did cut back on time with Dan to spend more time with Jeff. But let me repeat this, my feelings for Jeff is totally different than for Dan. Its like a feeling between a brother and a husband. Its totally different. The cuddling really made Jeff sad but I told him that it was nothing. It happenened so long ago so it really doesn't matter. I was a kid that didn't know any better, but it wasn't sexual and it didn't become sexual. I know it can be hard to digest and I should've been honest earlier:(

 

 

Naked cuddles is sexual. That part doesn't matter, and it seems to not resonate with you why this is upsetting to so many people in here.

 

What it was, was you had a thing with Dan. Didn't pan out. Cool beans. That's fine, there is absolutely nothing wrong there. We all did that stupid stuff to one degree or another. You stayed friends. Super! You started dating Jeff. Woohoo, relationships are great. You kept hanging out with Dan. Hmmm. Jeff got a little weird feeling about it.

 

!--->THIS IS WHERE IT WENT BAD. ANYTHING BEFORE THIS POINT WAS FINE AND DANDY<---!

 

You felt guilty...so you wanted to hide the truth about Dan and you. Jeff was fine with that in a way, but didn't feel he was fully informed. People can sense these things. It boils in him and he ruminates about it. Now the divisive behavior comes in. Fear of loss if you come clean. He fears loss because of a man from your past. You don't know what to do. You try and burn the candle on both ends. Jeff gets upset as hell about the gift because he believed something more was going on because the real truth never came out until much much later. He never got the chance to tell you how he felt about this before it became an issue. He felt hurt because the person he trusted and loved lied to him. One of the single most painful things in the world is when someone you love breaks your trust.

 

It doesn't matter what Dan is to you in regards to your feelings because that reality isn't the same as what someone else perceives. He perceived something different because of your actions. He can't feel what you feel. He can't see your mind. All he has to go on are your words to him and your actions and those words formed into lies and your actions spoke of not caring about him. Regardless of intention, what you said and did formed a reality that you're now in.

 

What I'm trying to say is, is that your repeated statements of outlining your differing feelings are fine and dandy but you need to make those known and 100% straightforward. When it came out, it came out too late. The damage was done. What was once just a crack in the dam became a total collapse of the structure because it was left too long and it spread and weakened everything else.

 

The past is a indicator of future behavior. That is why I bolded what I did. Regardless of your feelings, that is how the vast majority of people see things. If someone had a cat as a kid, most likely they will as an adult. If you ate pizza before, you probably will again. If you end up in bed naked with someone, and it wasn't an awful experience, it has a chance of happening again if the stars align a certain way. This is why ex's are kept away and why people frown on keeping people close by whom you were intimate with, even if it was something smaller than sex like cuddling naked alone in a bed years ago.

 

I would almost suggest venturing a question to Dan that if you were available, would he date you? If his answer is yes, he is toxic to your relationships. Plain and simple.

[kgcolonel]

Can you explain to me what exactly is "cuddling"? Is it fooling around or limited to lying next to each other. This may help everyone better understand the perspective.

[Heer]

Can you explain to me what exactly is "cuddling"? Is it fooling around or limited to lying next to each other. This may help everyone better understand the perspective.

 

Well it was way back in high school. Dan and I were studying for exams at his place (parents were out of town). We were both studying in his bedroom on his bed and we were at that time under a lot of pressure because of the studying. Around 1 am I was dozing off and we started talking about our childhood and how we met, etc. One thing led to another and I hugged him in bed. We then both took off our clothes and started to cuddle. He touched me and I touched him. Thats as far as it went. I said thanks for everything but I'm really tired, so I dozed off. I felt kinda weird the next morning but we were truthful and Dan and I agreed that its best that we stay friends. We never had intercourse and we only cuddled. Dan is a good guy but I think we're both not compatible because I look at him as my "brother" while he looks at me as a "sister". We live kinda close and both of us had social anxiety while in high school and we both helped each other out and now we go to the same university.

I met Jeff later on in university in a party and he asked me out when we saw each other again at Starbucks.

[kgcolonel]

Got it, thanks for clearing it up....just some petting....helps to explain it to an older guy....

 

Please take the advise from those of us here and work to commit to your next love interest and understand the ...t this situation causes. Jeff saw this much differently than you see it and I do honestly believe that you would if the roles were reversed.

 

Good luck to you going forward.

[jmiller1991]

Well it was way back in high school. Dan and I were studying for exams at his place (parents were out of town). We were both studying in his bedroom on his bed and we were at that time under a lot of pressure because of the studying. Around 1 am I was dozing off and we started talking about our childhood and how we met, etc. One thing led to another and I hugged him in bed. We then both took off our clothes and started to cuddle. He touched me and I touched him. Thats as far as it went. I said thanks for everything but I'm really tired, so I dozed off. I felt kinda weird the next morning but we were truthful and Dan and I agreed that its best that we stay friends. We never had intercourse and we only cuddled. Dan is a good guy but I think we're both not compatible because I look at him as my "brother" while he looks at me as a "sister". We live kinda close and both of us had social anxiety while in high school and we both helped each other out and now we go to the same university.

I met Jeff later on in university in a party and he asked me out when we saw each other again at Starbucks.

 

I'm not sure how anyone could say that this "wasn't sexual and didn't become sexual".

 

OP, I have been following this thread and only have one question to ask you. I don't want you to answer it quickly, but really think about it.

 

If Dan ever wanted to take it to the next level while you were seeing Jeff, how would you have responded? And how sure are you of that answer? And often do you see him now?

 

Not the "right" answer that always immediately pops into your head, but really assess your inner feelings and try to give me the honest one.

[jmiller1991]

Sorry, forgot my last question, the most important one of all, which strangely enough no one here ever asked or seemed to wonder about, which is really strange to me.

 

Were you intimate with Jeff?! Did you have you sex with HIM? Did you cuddle naked with HIM?

 

Strangely enough you never told us that... .:confused:

[billyjohn]

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. If Jeff himself didn't get to the "naked cuddling" stage I would understand his jealously more.

 

So, OP... are you a virgin???

[Poutrew]

Well it was way back in high school. Dan and I were studying for exams at his place (parents were out of town). We were both studying in his bedroom on his bed and we were at that time under a lot of pressure because of the studying. Around 1 am I was dozing off and we started talking about our childhood and how we met, etc. One thing led to another and I hugged him in bed. We then both took off our clothes and started to cuddle. He touched me and I touched him. Thats as far as it went. I said thanks for everything but I'm really tired, so I dozed off. I felt kinda weird the next morning but we were truthful and Dan and I agreed that its best that we stay friends. We never had intercourse and we only cuddled. Dan is a good guy but I think we're both not compatible because I look at him as my "brother" while he looks at me as a "sister". We live kinda close and both of us had social anxiety while in high school and we both helped each other out and now we go to the same university.

I met Jeff later on in university in a party and he asked me out when we saw each other again at Starbucks.

 

I don't know... maybe the younger generation does things differently than we older folks, but I would never naked cuddle my brother or sister. That's kinda like giving a blow job to someone instead of a handshake...now that I think of it, wouldn't this be a better, happier, world if we replaced the handshake with the blowjob?

[Spectre]

OP you just showed why Dan was a problem. You just talked about how you cuddled NAKED and were feeling each other up. You said this wasn't sexual. When two teenagers get naked under the friggin covers and there is some heavy petting that is sexual. So you sum up the issue perfectly by trying to claim what you did wasn't sexual. That is why you drove your bf crazy. That is why Jeff did nothing wrong save throwing some books.

 

This is why people can say the relationship won't work because you aren't compatible or have different perspectives, but it seems like mostly you were just incredibly disrespectful. Instead of merely hanging out with Dan less you should of cut him out of your life completely. Also did Jeff know you cuddled naked or just that you cuddled?

 

You have said in this thread you loved Jeff, but see for me I wonder..do you? You gave up quite easily. All I know is if I was in love with a girl and treated her the way you treated Jeff and then she threw some books at me..it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

 

I am not condoning what he did at all, but you played your part and I just wonder..if you don't want to try again because you KNOW Dan would have to 100% go. If that is the case the problem there is..I can guarantee you most guys would not be okay with you having any kind of relationship with Dan while dating them if they know about your naked cuddling. So you're either going to have to lie to future guys or be prepared to get rid of Dan for good. It sucks, but this is why I say people shouldn't do anything sexual with their good friends. If this is a person you couldn't stand to have out of your life then don't bang them or get naked with them or anything like that.

Edited October 11, 2015 by Spectre

[billyjohn]

Yes, Spectre, but I think another important point is that Jeff himself probably didn't even get as far as Dan did. That's the most important thing the OP isn't telling us in this thread.

 

That's another big reason she didn't want to tell Jeff about the naked cuddling. Jeff himself probably hasn't done much more than that himself. And that is why OP has to tell us about her feelings for each ("my feelings for Jeff are like a husband, for Dan like a brother") in order to explain WHY Jeff is officially the "boyfriend" and Dan the "good friend". Because, in terms of physical intimacy there is probably little difference (Dan may even have gotten farther thus far).

 

To me, this changes the whole dynamic of this thread, as the OP is probably too busy right now focusing on Dan, we'll probably never know. But it's quite probable that she and Dan will end their "platonicness" soon.

 

How about it OP? That's right, isn't it? You and Jeff were never physically intimate, were you?

[Spectre]

I'd really like to think that wasn't the case. Surely she wouldn't of told him she naked cuddled with Dan, but wouldn't of gone that far with him..and then on top of that decided it would be a good idea to show up with gifts for Dan and all that.

 

If that is the case I'm shocked all Jeff did was throw books at her.