BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[kgcolonel]

I don't see where she had eliminated Dan as her escort. But I fully agree that this would be an unnecessary blow to Jeff but would prove his suspecions correct in that there was more to the story than what she was sharing with Jeff.

[Diezel]

Thanks everyone. I'm gonna head over to his place tmrw and have a talk with him and get my stuff. I wanted someone to come with me but in the end I decided against it because its between Jeff and me. I really want to hash this out once and for all with Jeff. I've been doing better nowadays even though I'm still a bit down. Thank you for all your support:)

 

Maybe you should take Dan with you.

[Spectre]

Just to note I'm not sure if this needs to be said, but I don't want to take any chances given this thread so..don't actually take Dan with you lol. If you want to take someone else with you fine I understand 100%, but do it with someone else. Hire a homeless man to go with you if you have to, just don't make it Dan.

[harrybrown]

Sometime soon read the book "not just friends".

[thecharade]

omg.

This thread.

Wow.

 

Heer, I fully understand your position. I am so sorry, but any guy that tries to limit you when you have never hurt him since he has been in your life . . . must go.

 

Did you guys already break up? I don't see an update. Jeff does not deserve you. You did nothing wrong. Abusive guys will hurt you in the name of supposedly "disrespecting him" which is code for he has insecurities. Uh, no

 

 

Here is the main thing:

 

Women can have platonic friendships with guys. Truth. But men cannot and do not . . . except men want to have sex with everyone, so we disregard it. That is why it is almost all male posters attacking you. Women are the gate keepers in relationships. If we say no, it's no. You did nothing wrong, and a secure guy would have trusted you and your ability to never be interested in Dan.

 

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American

 

I stood up in one of my guy friend's weddings. I have been friends with others for 30 years. Zero problems for any of my significant others.

 

You will find the right guy, one who is more secure. I am afraid that Dan would have been the first of many things Jeff didn't approve of. Ugh.

 

Best wishes.

Tough stuff.

[smackie9]

She ended the relationship.

[road]

omg.

 

 

Here is the main thing:

 

Women can have platonic friendships with guys. Truth. But men cannot and do not . . . except men want to have sex with everyone, so we disregard it. That is why it is almost all male posters attacking you. Women are the gate keepers in relationships. If we say no, it's no. You did nothing wrong, and a secure guy would have trusted you and your ability to never be interested in Dan.

 

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American

 

Women may be the gate keepers though a man only has to blame himself if he does not keep the front of the gate free of party crashers.

[Silverlight]

We are not attacking OP. I only ever meant to call OP out for playing obvious games with her man. As I've said before. It's completely reasonable to want your SO to not prioritize their friend's happiness over yours. Clearly OP was making Dan a higher priority. Once again, I am not attacking anyone by having an opinion that differs from the narrative, so there's no need for more blatant censorship. The reason why the male posters have such a different opinion is because we know this game. We've played it with other women and we know how guys think. We've dated women as men and most of you have dated men as women. I'd just like to ask that if any of your boyfriends were regularly going out on play dates with another girl whom he nearly had a relationship with, can you say you'd approve of that madness?

Edited September 30, 2015 by Silverlight

[kgcolonel]

We are not attacking OP. I only ever meant to call OP out for playing obvious games with her man. As I've said before. It's completely reasonable to want your SO to not prioritize their friend's happiness over yours. Clearly OP was making Dan a higher priority. Once again, I am not attacking anyone by having an opinion that differs from the narrative, so there's no need for more blatant censorship. The reason why the male posters have such a different opinion is because we know this game. We've played it with other women and we know how guys think. We've dated women as men and most of you have dated men as women. I'd just like to ask that if any of your boyfriends were regularly going out on play dates with another girl whom he nearly had a relationship with, can you say you'd approve of that madness?

 

The issue I saw here was to Heer's earlier post on a "separate" thread that she stated that she and Dan had engaged in "naked" cuddling. While she does not necessarily owe this detail to Jeff, I believe that likely she is not being completely honest with herself as to her feelings for Dan as is sensed by Jeff. One thing I believe we can all agree on is that it is ultimately best these two are no longer together. My hope is that OP can move forward and create healthy boundries and the appropriate honesty with future SO's.

[Redhead14]

Hello everyone,

 

I (20) have been in a relationship with my bf(20) for around 7 months now and we have shared a lot regarding our pet peeves, likes and dislikes as well as hanging out with friends. Last week my bf started asking me questions about a certain guy friend (Dan) that I am still friends with since 4th grade. I was surprised because I've privated my friends list on facebook which only gives him access to friends we have in common. I think he's been looking through my phone and accessing my fb app:(. Anyways he knows a lot more about him than I told him so he definitely had outside sources. He's been acting kinda odd and I've assured him that I see Dan only as a platonic friend but I don't think that his body language and his actions are trusting me. I have to admit that I haven't told him any details even though he kinda pushed me but I just don't feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. We are in love but neither of us expects to be so close so fast. His weirdness haven't been helping because he would sometimes randomly call me and asking me where I am and what not. He even got a little pissed off when I was with my guy friend last Sunday having coffee along with other friends. I told him the truth and told him I was hanging out with friends, which I was, and I would never lie. I feel kinda mad about him possibly getting into my phone because its my privacy so I've started to get a more complicated password for my iphone (not the 4 digit number). However, I have no proof of his snooping so I will not say anything about that.

 

A little bit about me and Dan: We met in fourth grade and became really good friends in high school where he and I were both debate captains for the school debating team. We would hold weekly debates against each others' teams and it sometimes really got "heated". I guess it was kind of a like hate relationship through highschool and we were kinda close. When univeristy came around we both got accepted into the same university but different campuses so we still stayed in touch and occasionally went out for drinks and coffee. I know him quite well and he is currently kinda in a relationship with another girl and I was genuienly happy for him. That was last year and we still kept in contact through the summer. I met my bf 8 months ago and when I told him he was happy for me as well because my current bf is my first relationship.

 

I know for a fact that Dan and I are platonic friends because we've had that conversation before and it was flirting before I met my bf. I toned down on the flirting and am acting more friendly. What do you think I should do? I really don't want this to turn confrontational because I'm seeing him tmrw night!!

 

Have the two of them met? Perhaps have a dinner party with a few friends including him. Get them to be friends as well. Include your boyfriend in your circle of friends.

 

Let him observe for himself how you two interact, etc. If he is so jealous and becomes controlling of all that, that's a bad thing. Does your boyfriend have a nice circle of friends?

[Spectre]

omg.

This thread.

Wow.

 

Heer, I fully understand your position. I am so sorry, but any guy that tries to limit you when you have never hurt him since he has been in your life . . . must go.

 

She has hurt him. The whole "lying about another dude" thing hurts.

 

Did you guys already break up? I don't see an update. Jeff does not deserve you. You did nothing wrong. Abusive guys will hurt you in the name of supposedly "disrespecting him" which is code for he has insecurities. Uh, no

 

Actually no she did a whole hell of a lot wrong. Jeff doesn't deserve her? Okay, and she doesn't come off as deserving of a great guy either so I guess they have a lot in common.

 

He's insecure because of how his gf inappropriately carries on with another dude? Uh, no.

 

Women can have platonic friendships with guys.

 

Not if they're lying to their bf about it.

 

Truth. But men cannot and do not . . . except men want to have sex with everyone, so we disregard it. That is why it is almost all male posters attacking you. Women are the gate keepers in relationships. If we say no, it's no. You did nothing wrong, and a secure guy would have trusted you and your ability to never be interested in Dan.

 

Yep, she is getting attacked because men just wanna bang everything. Has nothing to do with her behaving in an incredibly disrespectful manner to a guy she claimed to love, right?

 

A secure guy would of trusted her? No, a secure guy would of dumped her a long time ago and never looked back. Jeff wasn't secure, he put up with the BS, and what does the OP do? Show up in front of Jeff with gifts for Dan. You know..like good girlfriends do.

 

I stood up in one of my guy friend's weddings. I have been friends with others for 30 years. Zero problems for any of my significant others.

 

You ever cuddle naked and stuff with those guy friends and then lie to your significant others about it and then have zero problems? Yeah? Man your significant other sure is forgiving.

 

You will find the right guy, one who is more secure. I am afraid that Dan would have been the first of many things Jeff didn't approve of. Ugh.

 

Best wishes.

Tough stuff.

 

And yet it seemed the only thing the guy had a problem with was Dan. How did his GIRLFRIEND respond? Lies of omission and all around driving him crazy.

 

I get it, you are a woman so you want to make Jeff out to be just an utter piece of crap, but you know what? Just..nope. If he is a piece of crap then what is the OP? The only thing he did that was worse is get pissed and throw some books at her, but it was because she felt it was a good idea to show up with presents for Dan.

 

But let me guess..this is just all nice and innocent and Jeff is just so unreasonable because gosh grrr men! This forum is not chalk full of topics about women who cheated with males they swore were just friends either..nope, not at all.

 

The issue I saw here was to Heer's earlier post on a "separate" thread that she stated that she and Dan had engaged in "naked" cuddling. While she does not necessarily owe this detail to Jeff, I believe that likely she is not being completely honest with herself as to her feelings for Dan as is sensed by Jeff. One thing I believe we can all agree on is that it is ultimately best these two are no longer together. My hope is that OP can move forward and create healthy boundries and the appropriate honesty with future SO's.

 

Oh she damn well owes that detail to Jeff if they were still together and she is good friends with a guy she used to cuddle naked with.

 

For me the OP needs to get rid of Dan if she ever wants a successful relationship. She shows no real signs of even comprehending what she was doing wrong..since if she did there would of never been any book throwing because she wouldn't show up sporting gifts for the friggin guy causing so many issues in her relationship.

 

To the OP: don't listen to the people who make this JEFF's problem and act like this is just from some insecure guy. Many many guys who have actual self respect would have a problem with what you did. So please..do not leave this relationship thinking you did nothing wrong and Jeff was just over reacting. The problem wasn't Jeff..it was you and Dan. Mostly you since Dan wasn't forcing you to behave that way.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Spectre

[Heer]

Hi everyone!! Thank you for all your advice. I went to his place Tuesday night and had a clear conversation with him. I really didn't have that much stuff but we talked for quite a while. Basically, he told me that he was sorry for how he acted the last time we met and that he didn't mean what he said. He said that he was emotional and that he really didn't like it when I talked to Dan. He told me that he knows that I don't meet Dan that much anymore but he really hates that he has touched me. I told him that I know it may be hard ti understand but Dan and I really have nothing going on. Dan and I cuddled that night and shared a bed but it was loveless. My heart was not there.

 

Its just that my feelings for you (jeff) and Dan are totally different. He then asked me if I hung out with Dan. I told him the truth that we don't hang out nearly as much anymore. He asked me if I was happy and I said that it was a change but overall yes, but you weren't happy. He then asked me if this is the last time we should meet...and I paused. I said that my goal here tonight was to say goodbye. I told him if he knew how much I cried for this realtionship and he said he had no idea. He told me that he thinks its better if we part ways because we're not compatible. At this moment I was very sad. I told him that I really liked him and that was the truth but I've gone through too much and its better if we focus on the studies. It was then that I left because my friend was here to pick me up.

 

He texted me later that night to see if I made it home alright and I said I was fine. I felt so confused last night....I feel like I'm in limbo.

[jen1447]

That's normal, it'll pass. You did good.

[qubist]

Hi everyone!! Thank you for all your advice. I went to his place Tuesday night and had a clear conversation with him. I really didn't have that much stuff but we talked for quite a while. Basically, he told me that he was sorry for how he acted the last time we met and that he didn't mean what he said. He said that he was emotional and that he really didn't like it when I talked to Dan. He told me that he knows that I don't meet Dan that much anymore but he really hates that he has touched me. I told him that I know it may be hard ti understand but Dan and I really have nothing going on. Dan and I cuddled that night and shared a bed but it was loveless. My heart was not there.

 

Its just that my feelings for you (jeff) and Dan are totally different. He then asked me if I hung out with Dan. I told him the truth that we don't hang out nearly as much anymore. He asked me if I was happy and I said that it was a change but overall yes, but you weren't happy. He then asked me if this is the last time we should meet...and I paused. I said that my goal here tonight was to say goodbye. I told him if he knew how much I cried for this realtionship and he said he had no idea. He told me that he thinks its better if we part ways because we're not compatible. At this moment I was very sad. I told him that I really liked him and that was the truth but I've gone through too much and its better if we focus on the studies. It was then that I left because my friend was here to pick me up.

 

He texted me later that night to see if I made it home alright and I said I was fine. I felt so confused last night....I feel like I'm in limbo.

I will take time, but you will get over it if you want to. BTW Jeff loves you but the poor guy realized that he is not compatible with you. maybe is an age thing but for him and most of us here, your friendship with Dan is not tolerable, for us, and Jeff is one of us, sharing a bed and cuddling with another guy is wrong even if it was "loveless" as you described it. I'm not questioning your morals or intentions, I think you are a fine person, I'm just making point that Jeff cares about you a lot but after he calmed down he put a band-aid on his heart's wound and admitted you weren't compatible. it's kind of sad

[umirano]

Trickle truth. Don't do it to people you claim to respect and love.

[Silverlight]

She has hurt him. The whole "lying about another dude" thing hurts.

 

 

 

Actually no she did a whole hell of a lot wrong. Jeff doesn't deserve her? Okay, and she doesn't come off as deserving of a great guy either so I guess they have a lot in common.

 

He's insecure because of how his gf inappropriately carries on with another dude? Uh, no.

 

 

 

Not if they're lying to their bf about it.

 

 

 

Yep, she is getting attacked because men just wanna bang everything. Has nothing to do with her behaving in an incredibly disrespectful manner to a guy she claimed to love, right?

 

A secure guy would of trusted her? No, a secure guy would of dumped her a long time ago and never looked back. Jeff wasn't secure, he put up with the BS, and what does the OP do? Show up in front of Jeff with gifts for Dan. You know..like good girlfriends do.

 

 

 

You ever cuddle naked and stuff with those guy friends and then lie to your significant others about it and then have zero problems? Yeah? Man your significant other sure is forgiving.

 

 

 

And yet it seemed the only thing the guy had a problem with was Dan. How did his GIRLFRIEND respond? Lies of omission and all around driving him crazy.

 

I get it, you are a woman so you want to make Jeff out to be just an utter piece of crap, but you know what? Just..nope. If he is a piece of crap then what is the OP? The only thing he did that was worse is get pissed and throw some books at her, but it was because she felt it was a good idea to show up with presents for Dan.

 

But let me guess..this is just all nice and innocent and Jeff is just so unreasonable because gosh grrr men! This forum is not chalk full of topics about women who cheated with males they swore were just friends either..nope, not at all.

 

 

 

Oh she damn well owes that detail to Jeff if they were still together and she is good friends with a guy she used to cuddle naked with.

 

For me the OP needs to get rid of Dan if she ever wants a successful relationship. She shows no real signs of even comprehending what she was doing wrong..since if she did there would of never been any book throwing because she wouldn't show up sporting gifts for the friggin guy causing so many issues in her relationship.

 

To the OP: don't listen to the people who make this JEFF's problem and act like this is just from some insecure guy. Many many guys who have actual self respect would have a problem with what you did. So please..do not leave this relationship thinking you did nothing wrong and Jeff was just over reacting. The problem wasn't Jeff..it was you and Dan. Mostly you since Dan wasn't forcing you to behave that way.

Completely agree, you hit the nail on the head quite well. It's alarming the amount of people in this thread who condemn Jeff as this abusive, insecure oppressor of the relationship whilst OP's behavior was never acceptable either. Part of me believes that because OP left out crucial and tide-shifting evidence, the whole reason this thread was made was to get affirmation she's right and not in the wrong, which further causes me to question her actual place in all of this. After all, we've only been reading what OP wants us to read.

 

Regardless, OP, good for you for breaking up with him. The relationship was obviously on its way out the door. My best advice for you it to definitely put that friendship with Dan on a much lower priority with your next man. I suggest you find someone who you will clique with so well, that having a platonic relationship with Dan will barely even be relevant. And as a word of advice, please don't respond to your man's insecurities by buying gifts for the source of said insecurities. I'm not sure what made you think it was a good idea, but this kind of behavior is extremely damaging to a man's ego and is very disrespectful. Find someone who, when faced with a decision, you would always choose indefinitely.

[road]

Hi everyone!! Thank you for all your advice. I went to his place Tuesday night and had a clear conversation with him. I really didn't have that much stuff but we talked for quite a while. Basically, he told me that he was sorry for how he acted the last time we met and that he didn't mean what he said. He said that he was emotional and that he really didn't like it when I talked to Dan. He told me that he knows that I don't meet Dan that much anymore but he really hates that he has touched me. I told him that I know it may be hard ti understand but Dan and I really have nothing going on. Dan and I cuddled that night and shared a bed but it was loveless. My heart was not there.

 

 

 

Why did you leave out the part that when you shared the bed you and Dan were naked?

 

 

After all you wanted to have a clear conversation.

 

 

How can one have a clear conversation when they leave out important details such as spending the night in bed with another man while in a relationship with your BF?

[CalvinM]

If I were your boyfriend and you told me you were still really close friends with a guy you cuddled with, naked or not, I'd dump you on the spot.

 

How you've managed to turn this on him and have half the people in this thread on your side is baffling.

 

You clearly enjoy Dan's attention and I don't believe for a second that women can be just friends with guys who are attracted to them.

 

If I'm close friends with a woman, it's only because I want to sleep with her, or want her help to sleep with one of her friend.

[Heer]

Hi everyone. Regarding the gift for Dan, yes, it might seem a little bit too expensive but he got me some hunter boots for my birthday last year. Our friends and I can sometimes go overboard and I only got the books for Dan because he likes videogames and he likes assassins creed. I know it seems a bit personal but I don't want to look cheap in front of friends that matter a lot. In retrospect I know I was insensitive but Jeff's birthday is in December and I was going to throw him a crazy party as well. I told him that he was my bf so of course I will throw him a party. He also apologized to me about destroying the books because it was $70 and I don't currently make a lot of money. He tried to pay me back but of course I refused. I'm just very sad that I couldn't prove to him that I really cared because we met 9 months ago and we missed both of our birthdays:(:(

 

Well, since the breakup I've been hanging out with old friends and they're all supportive. I realize that I should've told Jeff earlier about Dan, but I didn't. Dan doesn't know why Jeff and I broke up but I've been really depressed and mid terms are coming up so I really want to put Jeff and my feelings in the backburner for now (even though its near impossible). As for Dan, its not his fault because he really didn't do anything throughout my relationship with Jeff. He was very supportive of Jeff and I and he was surprised that we broke up. Of course I told him I was OK, but really I was dying inside. I told him that i needed some time alone and that mid terms are coming up so we should focus on studies. I know that a lot of guys really don't trust me but Dan is a really great friend and that it was I that should've told Jeff the truth. I was just uncomfortable telling him until it was too late.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Heer

[qubist]

Here: what happened between you and Jeff is a huge misunderstanding, you are 20 he is 26, his definition of platonic friendship is different than yours, to me I see it inappropriate just like Jeff it doesn't mean he didn't trust you.

Good luck in your upcoming midterm

[TobyBoy]

Looking at your avatar.........no freaking way that Dan wouldn't like to hook up with you!!!! Unless he's gay?

[justabottle]

Hi everyone!! Thank you for all your advice. I went to his place Tuesday night and had a clear conversation with him. I really didn't have that much stuff but we talked for quite a while. Basically, he told me that he was sorry for how he acted the last time we met and that he didn't mean what he said. He said that he was emotional and that he really didn't like it when I talked to Dan. He told me that he knows that I don't meet Dan that much anymore but he really hates that he has touched me. I told him that I know it may be hard ti understand but Dan and I really have nothing going on. Dan and I cuddled that night and shared a bed but it was loveless. My heart was not there.

 

Its just that my feelings for you (jeff) and Dan are totally different. He then asked me if I hung out with Dan. I told him the truth that we don't hang out nearly as much anymore. He asked me if I was happy and I said that it was a change but overall yes, but you weren't happy. He then asked me if this is the last time we should meet...and I paused. I said that my goal here tonight was to say goodbye. I told him if he knew how much I cried for this realtionship and he said he had no idea. He told me that he thinks its better if we part ways because we're not compatible. At this moment I was very sad. I told him that I really liked him and that was the truth but I've gone through too much and its better if we focus on the studies. It was then that I left because my friend was here to pick me up.

 

He texted me later that night to see if I made it home alright and I said I was fine. I felt so confused last night....I feel like I'm in limbo.

 

Read through all 17 pages phew!

 

Treat this relationship as a lesson. You've hurt yourself and the Jeff, no more of such thing in your next relationship. Whatever that you've done here is already wrong, from the moment you decided to not tell your bf the whole truth to what happened at this point. So do yourself a favor, stop hurting yourself and Jeff.

 

Now that you and Jeff have decided to break up, do yourself and him a favour, leave each other alone already. If you said that you had a hard time, he had it worse than you - especially during the outing you had with Dan, his gf and your bf. It really makes him looked like a fool.

[Try]

He told me that he knows that I don't meet Dan that much anymore but he really hates that he has touched me. I told him that I know it may be hard ti understand but Dan and I really have nothing going on. Dan and I cuddled that night and shared a bed but it was loveless. My heart was not there.

It does not matter that you say that it was loveless or that your heart was not there, most men would not be OK with their significant other hanging out with someone they "cuddled that night and shared a bed" with while they were naked. The truth is, most people do not sleep and cuddle naked with people that are just friends, thus it is reasonable that Jeff would have a hard time understanding why you or Dan would do such thing if it was truly 100% platonic. Mix in that you were not fully open and honest with Jeff about Dan, and you have a problem.

 

He told me that he thinks its better if we part ways because we're not compatible.

Jeff knows that you have relationship boundaries that he (like many men) could not live with, and he has the self respect to act based on those boundaries. Good for him. Even if you are crazy about each other, you should not stay with someone that you are not compatible with. We would have far fewer people visiting this section if more people were like Jeff.

[Try]

I realize that I should've told Jeff earlier about Dan, but I didn't. Dan doesn't know why Jeff and I broke up but I've been really depressed and mid terms are coming up so I really want to put Jeff and my feelings in the backburner for now (even though its near impossible).

I that should've told Jeff the truth. I was just uncomfortable telling him until it was too late.

You did not tell "Jeff the truth" about Dan until it "was too late", and you did not tell Dan the truth about your break up with Jeff. You are not in high school anymore. Stop with the drama inducing secretes, and you will experience better and healthier relationships and friendships.

[Try]

Looking at your avatar.........no freaking way that Dan wouldn't like to hook up with you!!!! Unless he's gay?

She just dumped her boyfriend and you are already flirting with her? Too soon, too soon. LOL!!! Edited October 4, 2015 by Try