BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[road]

Also did Jeff know you cuddled naked or just that you cuddled?

 

 

 

No Jeff was never told.

When asked why Jeff was never told the truth the OP never answered.

When asked why it was ok for her to lie by omission the OP never answered.

[billyjohn]

Yep, Spectre. I’ve followed the thread with interest, and I’m sure that she’s a virgin, and that Dan was her first and only time making it to “third base”. And I say “third base” because, in spite of what she says, not only was it sexual and not to “relieve stress from studying for exams”, it probably resulted in Dan having an orgasm. In there words, it was a hand job, on both sides perhaps. She “thanked him for everything and dozed off”. This was because she was perhaps peeved that Dan came before they could get really intimate. This is why she says Dan did not have sex with her, and she wouldn’t know what she would do (she surely would) if he wanted to. Dan never had to try because he came due to the touching.

 

Next morning, they both feel weird about it and “agree” to stay “friends”, even though of course they are first loves, who have just had a rough first try at sex. Both have never gotten intimate with anyone else, and they are basically in love. She feels weird because he came before they could even do it, Dan feels weird because he did before he could satisfy her. The “agreement” to stay “friends” means they have agreed not to go for it again, and probably it was actually OP’s decision. She felt like a loser, like all women do, when they finally decide loser their virginity to the one they love, have all these expectations of fireworks, and then the guy comes before he even gets in her. “There was no intercourse”. Yep, and that’s the only reason she says it’s not “sexual”. It came as close as she could get, and remember, not only did she decide “he was the One”, she initiated it. “One thing led to another and I hugged hm in bed”. The end result of Dan’s failure to not come until at least penetrating her is the reason why she says “they decided to stay friends”. “There were numerous other chances, but we did not succumb to the temptation”. No, there were NUMEROUS other occasions when they BOTH wanted to try it again, but OP didn’t succumb to HER previous commitment to only think of Dan as a “friend” from now on, i.e. not give him another chance of embarrassing the both of them.

 

Dan of course then looks elsewhere, or just tries to make OP jealous so she’ll finally give it another shot. He gets a “girlfriend”, who may very well be a girl who he’s never gotten intimate with. (Would he after his experience with his real love?) He’s probably just seeing her as a friend, “He’s in an off/on relationship with her. I don’t know what it is, he hasn’t told me and I haven’t asked..”, and “he’s kinda in a relationship” with her. This is Dan’s girlfriend” who OP has “cut back on seeing” for the sake of Dan’s “relationship”, and is why Jeff shouldn’t be jealous or worried. No, this is just a girl Dan is hanging out with now and OP is jealous.

 

So OP goes out to get a “boyfriend” of her own. “I didn’t actively look for a boyfriend until Dan got a girlfriend”. She does this to get Dan back, or perhaps she really is looking, probably both. She finds Jeff, who she doesn’t get intimate with at all, but who is officially a “boyfriend” because she’s ALLOWED to get sexual with him, and because she wants Dan to think that to get jealous. Actually he’s just revenge for Dan just seeing another girl. OP even tries to get them together to so Jeff will now think Dan is not a threat. “I think the main thing is to convince Jeff that Dan is not a threat”. No, it’s all part of her plan to show Dan that she can get someone else too, and she’s wants to take it to the extreme by actually seeing both of them at once, so they can fight over her.

 

Eventually Dan quit seeing his “girlfriend”, or OP just realized she had to end the game. Jeff was on to her. Jeff finally caught on to her game and so she had to end it, since he was only her “boyfriend” in the first place to get even with Dan. Jeff was suspicious because she was always with Dan, instead of him, in spite of the fact that OP is “cutting down on the time I spend with Dan to spend more time with Jeff” from the beginning to the end of the thread. She’s been “cutting down” and “scaling back” on time with Dan for months and still sees him “only” a “few” times for “school and coffee” (play date), while trying to prove to us how much she loves Jeff and how “amazing an connection” they have by letting us know “we see each other 4-5 times a week”. She says Jeff should trust her because she's been "cutting down on my time with Dan to spend more time with Jeff", which she has been doing for the past 1.5 years ever since Dan got a "girlfriend". Yep, time to get rid of the useful idiot.

 

She tried to break up quietly. “I told him I needed space and time for school”. Later she said in the other thread “WE agreed to take a break and maybe break up”. But then he started calling her, wanting to work it out, and apologizing, which was the reason for the new thread. She realized she couldn’t do it quietly, so she came here to get advice on how to justify it. In that other thread, she got what she wanted when a guy in the same situation told her to dump her, and so did others. So she told Jeff I don’t think “it’s wise to get back together so soon” and eventually dumped him to have more “time with old friends (Dan) and school”, even though she’ll still see Dan. “I really LIKE you that is the truth, but I’ve been through too much and WE need to focus on school”.

 

Yep, Spectre, I got it all figured out. OP Is a virgin who hasn’t gotten intimate with anyone but Dan, her true love. In the first thread, she was seeking advice on how to continue her game, what to do about him being “so annoyingly jealous”. “I just want us ALL to get along..” And in the second thread, she realized she had to actually break up with Jeff face to face (to text him would be “low”, and “I still have things at the place”), so she came here to get reasons and justifications to do it.

 

Too bad the OP won’t come back to acknowledge my effort. Too bad, I spend a lot of time deciphering this thread, and getting to the real issue.

The key Spectre, is too realize that we older (I assume you’re older) people think of sex differently, as we’re experienced at it. To decipher OP’s real intentions, you have to realize she’s a 20 year old “adult” virgin, who’s only been intimate with Dan.

 

But don't think I'm on Jeff's side on this. He had his chance and if he wouldn't have gotten so jealous and just waited it out it he might have won her over. But he got too obsessed and really crossed the line by ripping up Dan's present and throwing books AT her. That was the real reason OP should have dumped him, and at that point she was really justifiied. Jeff's anger and jealously issues would have made it impossible anyway.

 

I got it right on, didn’t I OP ? Dan is the only guy you’ve really ever gotten intimate with….

[billyjohn]

The whole thing is the ultimate in irony. Jeff was the cuddle bitch!!!

 

And Dan was either another one or else OP’s true love. I suspect the former.

 

The original post was basically asking the forum for advice on how to manage the 2nd cuddle bitch, and the other post “My bf wants me back… I’m not sure”, was basically asking for advice on how to now get rid of the 2nd cuddle bitch, who proved unmanageable and who now was CLINGING after she tried to do it the cowardly way by asking for “more space and probably time for school”.

 

The poster was a gem, and after this one, as the typical male chauvanist pig that I am, I must say that YOU GOTTA LOVE WOMEN! This poster disguised her evil ways like a true black widow!!! lol.

 

The only question I feel that is unresolved is: Is it going to work out between Dan and OP, regardless of whether he ends up being an obedient cuddle bitch or a true boyfriend, i.e regardless of whether or not they end up naked cuddling again or not?

 

But only the OP and Dan will ever know….

[Try]

We then both took off our clothes and started to cuddle. He touched me and I touched him. Thats as far as it went. I said thanks for everything but I'm really tired, so I dozed off. I felt kinda weird the next morning

There is no way that a teen age boy lying naked in bed with a naked girl feeling each other out, did not give him an erection. Since you were both naked feeling each other out, you must have noticed this erection when you told him to stop. This makes what you did with Dan sexual. You "felt kinda weird the next morning" because there was nothing brotherly about his intentions that night, and you knew that if you did not stop it where you did, that he would have taken it farther.

[jmiller1991]

I agree with the last replies, and that her being a virgin makes her actions less honorable, because it would be very reasonable for Jeff to be insanely jealous if she was spending "a lot" of time with Dan, probably much more really than she was spending with Jeff. Not only because of the "naked cuddling" but also because he values his time with her, and this guy who has gotten farther than he has is getting more of it than he is. In fact, I would think proves how much he loves her and it shows that Jeff cared for her. This would drive any boyfriend jealous beyond measure and make him feel incredibly INADEQUATE. She is spending most of her very limited free time with the "friend" who's she has let get closer to home plate than you. Not particularly thoughtful or nice on her part, but she's young, and that's what young people do.

 

But.... let us consider these important facts

 

1) The whole problem started when Jeff SNOOPED. Snooping is very wrong, even if you are wondering why your gf never has any time for you.

2) OP had every right to withhold everything given Jeff's obvious ANGER issues and history of VIOLENT behavior. Plus, like OP said, it was LONG time ago and was not relevant to their current platonic status.

3) Then Jeff gets VIOLENT and INSULTS her and RIPS UP her gift for Dan, instead of talking it out.

 

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT, IMO, BY FAR:

 

4) Jeff REFUSED TO COMPROMISE and be reasonable! OP made it very clear that, while not ending all contact entirely, she would at least cut back. In fact, she had been cutting back her time with Dan throughout the ENTIRE relationship, as you said. Over and over she cut back on her time with Dan, but it was never good enough. Jeff DEMANDED that HE gets to decide how she balanced her time between him and Dan, and he insisted that every week it would be HIM that gets more.

 

So I do feel that your view is a bit chauvinist, billyjohn. OP had every right to break up with Jeff, and in the end it was Jeff who was responsible for the end of the relationship. It was ultimately his act that destroyed any hope of it working out, and he is definitely MORE to blame than OP, by a long shot.

[Poutrew]

I agree and disagree with the previous posters. First, I really hope the OP will at least read these posts and take the time to reply - either to say how totally wrong we all are, or to gloss over the direct questions and innuendos and pretend they were never asked (something she has done more than once in this thread). First, I agree that the relationship with Jeff (damn, I almost wrote mutt and jeff) was doomed from the get go, and needed to end. The OP made the poor boy crazy and he reacted badly with the present and book throwing - violence never being excusable. On the other hand, I think the snooping was perfectly justified. The boy knew she was keeping secrets and he needed to find out for his own sanity. If he hadn't snooped her phone, he'd still be in this relationship being led around by the nose. As far as snooping, I have a pragmatic and totally unapologetic attitude toward it - I've learned how to do it by key logging my own computer and hacking my own cell phone. I've bought decorative web based cameras that can be disguised as air fresheners as long as you don't look too closely at them. I have worn DVRs on my person when I go to church, or to family occasions such as birthday parties, etc. I have done this not to see what my alternate personalities were up too, but to learn the proper technique for doing it right. Fort example, when wearing a DVR, location is critical - the noise from cloths jostling can wipe out a conversation, or I now know that there is very little software help available to pull out someone's soft spoken voice from the recording when kids are yelling and playing anywhere in the soundscape. Have I caught anything? Well I caught my dog pooping on the carpet, and my friends discussing mostly boring stuff. However, when balancing someone's else's need to keep a secret against my mental health, I place my sanity above all else, and I would have no qualms going CIA on anyone's ass if I felt the need too, nor would I have a guilty conscience in doing so. So, I think Jeff was perfectly justified in snooping her cell, and probably doing a few more things to finally get at the truth. It is amazing how much trouble we can get into when the simple solution is To Tell The Truth, something I hope the OP has finally learned.

[Heer]

If Dan ever wanted to take it to the next level while you were seeing Jeff, how would you have responded? And how sure are you of that answer? And often do you see him now?

 

 

Hi everyone. Thank you for all your responses and thank you to those that took the time to read all 20 pages of the thread :eek: I will try to reply to all of them:eek: You are all an amazing bunch:laugh:

 

So basically, jmiller1991, I think I posted this earlier in the thread but after the cuddling both Dan and I had a frank and honest conversation the next morning. He called me and asked if I was ok and he apologized for what happened last night. I said I was fine, thanks and I told him that we're both very good friends and that I had no intention to change anything between us. He agreed and told me that I was very amazing and he likes me as a friend.

 

Also, the back story is that I met Dan in fourth grade and I was new and he was kinda shy. He sat next to me and we got to know each other. I had social anxiety at that time and Dan was kind of a loner as well so we got along well. He also lived 2 blocks away so that was easy for us to hang out. When high school came around we both helped each other through social anxiety and I made good girl friends and he was with the guys but we still hang out occasionally as a group or the both of us together. I feel that the friendship is reciprocated because I was there for him and he was there for me throughout high school so it's definitely not a toxic friendship or a friends with benefits relationship.

 

Dan and I already agreed that we are just friends and that we had a lot of good times and that we help each other out. Nowadays, I'm focused on my studies and Dan and I are in the same university so we see each other around twice a week but since I was with Jeff I really cut back the time. We're both still friends and its strictly platonic.

Edited October 11, 2015 by Heer

[smackie9]

I'd really like to think that wasn't the case. Surely she wouldn't of told him she naked cuddled with Dan, but wouldn't of gone that far with him..and then on top of that decided it would be a good idea to show up with gifts for Dan and all that.

 

If that is the case I'm shocked all Jeff did was throw books at her.

So you are saying it's justifiable for him to have acted with violence towards her.

[kgcolonel]

Smackie

 

I don't think that violence is ever justified but neither is being dishonest in a relationship. OP has admitted that she intentionally kept the past relationship with Dan from her BF. This too is wrong. When Jeff tried to have a talk with her, she would not come clean with the details of her relationship with Jeff.

 

They are both very young and hopefully will both learn from their mistakes. To only fault Jeff seems a bit selective to me.

 

You and I are on the same side of the table most of the time and maybe in this case we'll just have to agree to disagree. They both have a fair share of fault in this and hopefully will grow from the experience.

[jmiller1991]

No, don't get me wrong, OP. I was just asking if you would WANT to, so we can better understand the situation. And we would also like to know how intimate you were with Jeff. I already understand you and Dan were committed to being platonic. That is why I am on your side.

 

In fact, I think it's AWFUL that you felt a need to curtail your time with Dan for Jeff because of his jealousy, and I think that is where you made a HUGE mistake. You had already made clear to Jeff that it was now platonic, he should have trusted you and allowed you to choose who you spend your limited free time with. Maybe you enjoy your company with Dan more, that's all, it's still platonic now, you and Dan have an understanding. Jeff was the one you loved as a boyfriend. And it was Jeff's job as a boyfriend to make it so you'd rather be with him more instead of Dan, not your job to just do it because he wanted you to.

 

Then, what makes me almost sick , you were flexible enough to keep scaling back your time with Dan, week after week, month after month, and it was NEVER good enough! And wouldn't be, of course, until he made sure he got more, no matter whose company you preferred. He should have been happy you were at least sacrificing SOME of your precious time with your best friend just to make him happy, because he's the boyfriend, even tho that is not what YOU really wanted. And shame on you for giving up quality time with a true and dear friend for a boyfriend. That is ALWAYS a big mistake!

 

How often WERE you able to see Dan while you were Jeff?

 

And do you WANT to get intimate with Dan? (you admitted temptation)

 

And HOW INTIMATE did you get with Jeff?

 

These 3 questions will tell us a lot about why this drama unfolded...

[billyjohn]

Yes, Jmiller, you have brought up some good points. Jeff was actually probably more wrong ultimately and responsible for the break up. Who here would argue with that?

 

But I think it's reasonable to expect Jeff to not compromise on at least being able to see OP as much as the guy who may have gotten farther than you. Do you really think that's unreasonable???

 

But to really know, as you said, the OP must answer those 3 questions.

 

How often was she able to see Dan?

Does she sometimes desire Dan more than bf?

How intimate with Jeff?

 

OP? Are you out there?

[jmiller1991]

But I think it's reasonable to expect Jeff to not compromise on at least being able to see OP as much as the guy who may have gotten farther than you. Do you really think that's unreasonable???

Um, sorry billy boy, but yes I do. And I do think your position is a bit chauvinstic and sexist, to be honest. Males can tell their girlfriends what to do?! MAKE them spend all their free time with them?

 

I admit Jeff was reasonably jealous, but the solution was convincing, not demanding. Asking. And in the meantime TRUSTING his girlfriend because she has told them she doesn't feel that way about Dan and it's platonic.

 

And ripping up Dan's present and throwing books at her?!?! Wow... that is an IMMEDIATE dumpable offense right there for sure. You'd agree with that, wouldn't you? Talk about demanding.

 

So while OP clearly errored in not telling Jeff earlier, it's still within her perogarive to spend her time with whoever she chooses, boyfriend or not, and Jeff is mostly at fault here. It shouldn't have gotten to the violence because OP should have dumped Jeff as soon as she saw that her constant cutting back of time with Dan was met with further demands and threats.

 

But, yes, if the OP answered those 3 questions, we would finally know the full dynamics and be able to finally close this neverending thread!

[jmiller1991]

This is why people can say the relationship won't work because you aren't compatible or have different perspectives, but it seems like mostly you were just incredibly disrespectful. Instead of merely hanging out with Dan less you should of cut him out of your life completely. Also did Jeff know you cuddled naked or just that you cuddled?

 

Rubbish. She shouldn't have to give up her good friend just to have a boyfriend. Scaling back her time with Dan a bit was a very REASONABLE compromise. And even if she didn't mention "naked", that's irrelevant because they are platonic now. What's hard to understand here?

 

You have said in this thread you loved Jeff, but see for me I wonder..do you? You gave up quite easily. All I know is if I was in love with a girl and treated her the way you treated Jeff and then she threw some books at me..it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

:sick: So you are saying that girls should put up with violence from their boyfriends if their behavior was bad enough, i.e. it if was JUSTIFIED? So you are saying that SOMETIMES violence is ok, stay with them. I'm glad my younger sister isn't on here.

 

I am not condoning what he did at all, but you played your part and I just wonder..if you don't want to try again because you KNOW Dan would have to 100% go. If that is the case the problem there is..I can guarantee you most guys would not be okay with you having any kind of relationship with Dan while dating them if they know about your naked cuddling. So you're either going to have to lie to future guys or be prepared to get rid of Dan for good. It sucks, but this is why I say people shouldn't do anything sexual with their good friends. If this is a person you couldn't stand to have out of your life then don't bang them or get naked with them or anything like that.

She should have dumped him, and much earlier, if Jeff couldn't compromise and be fair on this. She should not even TRY if the price is completely leaving a friend forever. What friend would do this? And any good man would be ok with her relationship with Dan because they would TRUST her that it's platonic now, and will stay that way, because she has given them no reason to doubt her.

 

She doesn't have to lie. When she has a boy better than Jeff, and she sees she can open up to him, she can tell him everything, and still spend all the time she wants with Dan. And they won't get jealous because they TRUST her. If you don't trust a girl, she shouldn't be your gf in the first place.

 

Don't patronize OP with "then don't bang them". What was done was done, it was a mistake, and OP admitted that. She can have plenty of relationships with real men who aren't CONTROL FREAKS without having to never see her longtime friend again.

 

The OP made some mistakes here, but the blame for this relationship ending lies mostly at Jeff's feet. Two wrongs make a bigger wrong, not a right. Hopefully in the future he will learn his lesson and just accept his gf as she is or leave, not try to CONTROL her. And hopefully OP can find a more loving man who is more concerned about her HAPPINESS than trying to control her for sexual purposes, which, let's face it, is the ONLY reason Jeff was trying to control her and DEMAND more time than Dan.

[DKT3]

What's odd about this whole thing is most of us can see that she has deeper feelings for Dan and really picked him over Jeff. Secondly, every time she talks about the naked cuddle thing she adds a little more. I personally always thought there was more then what she admitted too, as there is NOW.

 

The good thing is the relationship with Jeff is over, he deserves better. My question is how long before she is in a relationship with Dan....tick tock...tick.....tick.

[kgcolonel]

Rubbish. She shouldn't have to give up her good friend just to have a boyfriend. Scaling back her time with Dan a bit was a very REASONABLE compromise. And even if she didn't mention "naked", that's irrelevant because they are platonic now. What's hard to understand here?

 

:sick: So you are saying that girls should put up with violence from their boyfriends if their behavior was bad enough, i.e. it if was JUSTIFIED? So you are saying that SOMETIMES violence is ok, stay with them. I'm glad my younger sister isn't on here.

 

She should have dumped him, and much earlier, if Jeff couldn't compromise and be fair on this. She should not even TRY if the price is completely leaving a friend forever. What friend would do this? And any good man would be ok with her relationship with Dan because they would TRUST her that it's platonic now, and will stay that way, because she has given them no reason to doubt her.

 

She doesn't have to lie. When she has a boy better than Jeff, and she sees she can open up to him, she can tell him everything, and still spend all the time she wants with Dan. And they won't get jealous because they TRUST her. If you don't trust a girl, she shouldn't be your gf in the first place.

 

Don't patronize OP with "then don't bang them". What was done was done, it was a mistake, and OP admitted that. She can have plenty of relationships with real men who aren't CONTROL FREAKS without having to never see her longtime friend again.

 

The OP made some mistakes here, but the blame for this relationship ending lies mostly at Jeff's feet. Two wrongs make a bigger wrong, not a right. Hopefully in the future he will learn his lesson and just accept his gf as she is or leave, not try to CONTROL her. And hopefully OP can find a more loving man who is more concerned about her HAPPINESS than trying to control her for sexual purposes, which, let's face it, is the ONLY reason Jeff was trying to control her and DEMAND more time than Dan.

 

Okay. Keep thinking way. Very biased opinion.

[billyjohn]

What's odd about this whole thing is most of us can see that she has deeper feelings for Dan and really picked him over Jeff. Secondly, every time she talks about the naked cuddle thing she adds a little more. I personally always thought there was more then what she admitted too, as there is NOW.

 

The good thing is the relationship with Jeff is over, he deserves better. My question is how long before she is in a relationship with Dan....tick tock...tick.....tick.

 

NO! Don't you see?!? The "relationship" was ALWAYS with Dan, all along. It's just that they didn't go all the way, and agreed not to go all the way. This is what made them "friends" instead of rather than "girl/boyfriend". The sex didn't work out so they "agreed to be friends", i.e. agreed not to try having sex again.

 

JEFF WAS THE CUDDLE BITCH FROM THE BEGINNING, AND DAN THE "BOYFRIEND"!!!

 

....because OP was jealous of Dan for very casually seeing another girl, and wanted to show Dan that she could get sex too, if she wanted it, i.e. "be in a relationship", even though that only means it's "OK" to have sex and Jeff probably didn't even get any, as by definition a cuddle bitch would not. Rmember, OP said "I did not actively seek a boyfriend until my friend got his girlfriend".

 

She played Jeff wonderfully. From the very beginning of this thread, she presented Jeff as the "boyfriend" and Dan as the "good friend", when in reality it was the exact opposite!!! Jeff was the cuddle bitch all along, the guy she used to assist in her relationship with Dan.

 

Even in the end Jeff is the one apologizing, begging for her to not cut him off forever, not even be "friends", because she wants more time for "school and old friends". All this as she blames him for even being jealous because she spends more time with Dan than with him, after all "he knows I have been cutting back on the time I spend with Dan, and I told him that". Wow. How dare he still have a problem with this after I've agreed to spend a little less time with Dan every now and then!

 

But here the kicker: Remember that this is during a meeting asked for by Jeff because he wants to see her again! And this is just after she's finally told Jeff about the NAKED CUDDLING. Right after that she chastises him for not respecting that she's been "cutting back" on time with Dan. She has been "cutting back" on time with Dan since before she was with Jeff, you have to wonder why there's something left to cut, or else just how much OP actually hung out with Dan before Jeff became suspicious.

 

The OP was truly a gem.....

 

But, of course, this does not excuse Jeff's violent reaction and harsh words and lack of respect for OP's things. JMiller I do at least agree with you on that. That is simply not acceptable and I do agree that OP had the right to dump him based on that, but not on anything else. At that point Jeff proved himself unworthy for a relationship, and she could have avoided anymore deceptions. She didn't need to make up a reason to justify dumping him, she now had one. I would even tell OP to press charges so that he can learn from this in the future. Won't lead to anything, but it will scare the sh*t out of him!

 

I do wish the OP would honor the insane amount of time we've invested in this thread, by discreetly indulging just how intimate she was with JEFF?

[Heer]

Hi everyone I just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions.

 

First of all, I had sex with Jeff so I'm not a Virgin. Yes, penetrative but protected sex with Jeff. I did not have sex with Dan, only cuddling!!

 

Second of all, there is not such thing as cuddle bitch. Jeff was my bf and Dan was my friend. I didn't use either of them for sex or did they use me for sex!!

 

Third of all, I did not "play" anyone. Why would you suggest that? I really do not know and have no time for mind games. The break up was my fault and Jeffs fault, no one else.

 

Fourth of all, Dan and I are only platonic friends. Please, there is no talk of him asking me out or anything. This has been hashed out between Dan and I back in high school after the cuddling.

 

Fifth of all, I did not find a bf in order to "get back at Dan". Why would I do that? He got a gf and later on Jeff asked me out. I would never get in the way between Dan and his gf even though he told me his relationship ended in August. We're still good friends and he never attempted to get in the way between Jeff and I. In fact, Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf and I hung out numerous times and it was enjoyable. We both want the best for each other and Jeff and I just didn't work out. There is no "good person or "bad person" in this situation, just poor decisions.

[anna121]

Some of the claims against the OP are just....bizarre.

 

Thank you, Heer, for popping back in to clarify the fact that you are not a virgin and Jeff, in fact, "got" far more than Dan did. Oh, and that your relationship ended because of issues between the two of you.

 

Now to wait for the next onslaught. I'm sure the fact that Dan broke up with his girlfriend in August will be turned into additional fodder against you to show that you planned this all along...

[Jersey born raised]

I have never seen a relationship with a controlling party work out. Second i think perhaps he might me putting the cart before the horse,

 

I have also seen just close friends turn into a nightmare to just say "out of bounds - controlling"

 

7 months: you wrote a lot about the friend. What about the BF? What is his dating history-not his number. Has an ex GF cheated on him, perhaps with an ex.

 

Look don't say, "but that's not me". Everyone brings baggage into a relationship. The question is does it own them and how you help them deal with it. It is part of "being there for them".

 

Time to court each other - not date. So what does that mean?

[billyjohn]

Second of all, there is not such thing as cuddle bitch. Jeff was my bf and Dan was my friend. I didn't use either of them for sex or did they use me for sex!!

 

Ok, I'll take you at your word on that....

 

Third of all, I did not "play" anyone. Why would you suggest that? I really do not know and have no time for mind games. The break up was my fault and Jeffs fault, no one else.

 

Actually, the break up was ALL your fault until Jeff got violent. Then mostly his. Actually, it was your DECISION. And we all know this. Jeff finally exploded because you were spending much more (admit it or not) time with Dan than him, and now comes a birthday and expensive presents, but "you are invited". Why, why in the world would he mind as long as he's invited? I even think you purposefully TAUNTED Jeff in order to provoke him and start a fight, thereby getting out of your imaginary "relationship", because Dan is #1, and spending much more time with him than Jeff is too precious to give up to pacify Jeff. Jeff must go.

 

OP, I think you have to admit I'm right on this one...

 

You were playing Jeff because you were acting like you were satisfied with him as a boyfriend, when you were not. You like Dan much much more. Actually, he's the true love of your life. And the only reason he's not your "boyfriend" right now is because you cannot call someone that if you're not having sex, nor want to have sex with them. You may or may not want to have sex with Dan, that is, attempt it again to see how it goes, but he must officially be "best friend since high school" until you either do or you can admit you want to (make it "official"). Then he you can admit to all your friends that Dan is "finally" your "boyfriend".

 

Fourth of all, Dan and I are only platonic friends. Please, there is no talk of him asking me out or anything. This has been hashed out between Dan and I back in high school after the cuddling.

 

Yeah, for now. There is no talk simply because it hasn't happened yet. But I think we both know that both you and Dan want it to, but there is a PROBLEM of some kind here. You are both inexperienced sexually. Once one or both of you decide you want to go for it again, there will be talk and you will "date" and he will be "boyfriend".

 

You are a beautiful woman are you not? Surely you must know that Dan would be interested, whether he admits it not. When YOU decide you want him to try again, we both know you can make it happen at will. A sexy woman like you always can. Will you ever go for it again? Who knows. But you will certainly keep your option open, and that is why Jeff had to go. Jeff wasn't going to put up with it, so another "boy toy" was necessary.

 

Fifth of all, I did not find a bf in order to "get back at Dan". Why would I do that? He got a gf and later on Jeff asked me out. I would never get in the way between Dan and his gf even though he told me his relationship ended in August. We're still good friends and he never attempted to get in the way between Jeff and I. In fact, Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf and I hung out numerous times and it was enjoyable. We both want the best for each other and Jeff and I just didn't work out. There is no "good person or "bad person" in this situation, just poor decisions.

 

No, you got one to make Dan jealous. To make him want you. Or just to show Dan you can see other "boyfriends" too.

 

"The relationship ended in August" tells us everything here. RIGHT AFTER that you taunted Jeff with the present, and began the break up procedure. Dan was available again, and now you can see him even more. No more "girlfriend" who you openly admitted "I don't really know his relationship with her. I think it's fwb or something. No "girlfriend" here. Just this female companion Dan was seeing is no more. Time to get rid of Jeff.

 

You wouldn't "take a break" from seeing DAN to focus on "school and old friends", not even if "the semester begins soon" (almost a month). Why can't you just stay friends with Jeff, and keep him hanging? Much more pleasant break up. No, Jeff had to be cut off completely because you "been through too much and I want us to focus on studies", studies that begin in a month! All the while you "only hang out with Dan occasionally. But you really love Jeff. Sure.... The real love is Dan. Of course. It's just not sexual. It's "like a brother" (family, the greatest love).

 

First of all, I had sex with Jeff so I'm not a Virgin. Yes, penetrative but protected sex with Jeff. I did not have sex with Dan, only cuddling!!

 

Thank you for that information. It helps, but really we need to know whether it was more like once or twice, and you didn't like it, or many times and you did. The point is: WERE YOU ENJOYING being physically intimate with Jeff? He wanted it a lot more than you did, didn't he?

 

 

That will finally clear it all up for me....

 

But really, I do hope you and Dan get romantically involved. I think it is what you BOTH want, but neither of you wants to admit it to each other (hence the other "boyfriend" and "girlfriends").

 

P.S. I loved your use of the phrases "cutting back", "cutting down", and "scaling back" to describe your COMPROMISES and then to DEMAND that Jeff must accept it or never see you again. What does that mean? You have been "cutting back" on time with Dan since long before you were with Jeff. At first you said "only 1-2 times a week", then it's "only 2-3 times a week". How can that be? You've been "cutting" and "scaling" back for 1.5 years.

 

I think everyone here knows that by "cutting back" on time with Dan you mean SOMETIMES not seeing him when you really want to, either for school or Jeff. That is how you are always "cutting back" but still seeing him the same number of times. You basically told Jeff you had to never see him again because then you'd have to "cut back" on time with Dan. You dumped Jeff and told him to go away forever to have maximum time with Dan. And all the while while refusing to let him see you to "take a break".

 

And actually what you did was "low", because you only broke up with him face to face because you had a "few" things at his place...

 

Now, again, please just tell he how often and much you liked being intimate with Jeff, and perhaps this thread can end.

And please be truthful..

[billyjohn]

Fifth of all, I did not find a bf in order to "get back at Dan". Why would I do that? He got a gf and later on Jeff asked me out. I would never get in the way between Dan and his gf even though he told me his relationship ended in August. We're still good friends and he never attempted to get in the way between Jeff and I. In fact, Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf and I hung out numerous times and it was enjoyable. We both want the best for each other and Jeff and I just didn't work out. There is no "good person or "bad person" in this situation, just poor decisions.

 

Well, you have to admit it's odd that you and Dan both broke up with your SOs at the same time.

 

Also, you said you "even told him that he was in a relationship, which implied he was taken". You used Dan's "girlfriend" as proof to Jeff that he had nothing to worry about. Then Dan loses the girl and you plan a party and buy him expensive gifts. Then when Jeff is mad you dump him. Of course Jeff would be worried IF he knew that Dan was free now.

 

Did Jeff know that Dan didn't have a girlfriend anymore?

Of course he did. Because you told him. THEN you throw him a party and buy gifts. Hmmmm......

 

And WHY did Dan's and his "girlfriend" break up? What was the reason? Don't you think it MIGHT have had something to do with all your time with Dan, since you yourself said you were "scaling back" because Dan "also had a girlfriend".

 

Now to wait for the next onslaught. I'm sure the fact that Dan broke up with his girlfriend in August will be turned into additional fodder against you to show that you planned this all along...

 

Not exactly planned, Anna. But it revealed how much more OP cared about Dan than Jeff. After this party there was no way the relationship could go on unless Jeff showed that he would give UNCONDITIONAL TIME to Jeff, no more "cutting back". Once Jeff resisted he was dumped. It was her decision. And they didn't even stay "friends" like she and Dan did. Hmmmm....

 

So OP kept "cutting back" and "cutting back" on her time with Dan, both for her relationship as well as Dan's (Dan's was just a fwb by OP's own words), but despite all this "scaling back" BOTH relationships ended.

Hmmmm.... so much for "cutting back" all that time with Dan.... :p:p:p:p

[road]

Hi everyone I just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions.

 

First of all, I had sex with Jeff so I'm not a Virgin. Yes, penetrative but protected sex with Jeff. I did not have sex with Dan, only cuddling!!

 

Second of all, there is not such thing as cuddle bitch. Jeff was my bf and Dan was my friend. I didn't use either of them for sex or did they use me for sex!!

 

Third of all, I did not "play" anyone. Why would you suggest that? I really do not know and have no time for mind games. The break up was my fault and Jeffs fault, no one else.

 

Fourth of all, Dan and I are only platonic friends. Please, there is no talk of him asking me out or anything. This has been hashed out between Dan and I back in high school after the cuddling.

 

Fifth of all, I did not find a bf in order to "get back at Dan". Why would I do that? He got a gf and later on Jeff asked me out. I would never get in the way between Dan and his gf even though he told me his relationship ended in August. We're still good friends and he never attempted to get in the way between Jeff and I. In fact, Jeff, Dan, Dan's gf and I hung out numerous times and it was enjoyable. We both want the best for each other and Jeff and I just didn't work out. There is no "good person or "bad person" in this situation, just poor decisions.

 

 

 

 

Wanting to be truthful is good though why not fully. Still not addressing you lying to Jeff about Dan and the naked time.

[road]

 

Actually, the break up was ALL your fault until Jeff got violent.

 

 

Very true. Does not justify his actions but the OP kept tightening the thumb screws on Jeff.

[Heer]

Re: billyjohn

 

I admit that I should have told Jeff earlier about my friendship with Dan. I was unsure and scared because I have never told anyone else about my friendship with Dan and Jeff and I got close very fast so I feel we were trying to slow things down and trying to get to know each other. I did not TAUNT Jeff. Why would I do that? The birthday was just a party and a bunch of my high school buddies got together to throw Dan a party, so we all I chipped in. I wasn't the only that "threw" him a party. The gift was Assassin's Creed graphic books because Dan liked them. Everyone else also bought him gifts as well. The only thing that was unfortunate was that I never got to throw a party for Jeff because it wasn't his Birthday and we already broke up. I really do regret that because I can really to prove to him.

 

Dan's relationship with his gf was his business and he was quite private about it and it was fine. We rarely talked about our partners when we hang out. Its mostly small talk, jokes and schoolwork. There are no talks of feelings or attraction to each other. I do not know why Dan broke up his gf and I won't ask him why.

 

Cutting back time with Dan was what I did because I wanted to spend more time with Jeff. Since Jeff is studying in another university I had to travel to spend time with Jeff. Dan studies in the same university as I do. I also DID enjoy my time with Jeff and we had a lot of fun. I will say that the sex was intimate and full of emotions. I didn't regret spending time with Jeff, so please stop saying that.

[anna121]

 

 

 

Thank you for that information. It helps, but really we need to know whether it was more like once or twice, and you didn't like it, or many times and you did. The point is: WERE YOU ENJOYING being physically intimate with Jeff? He wanted it a lot more than you did, didn't he?

 

 

That will finally clear it all up for me....

 

 

I rest my case.