BF jealous of my best guy friend and I

[smackie9]

I don't think Jeff could really give a rat's ass about "cuddling"....he would be more concerned if you and Dan had a sexual relationship...which you two didn't. I'm sure one day you both will talk about Dan, and it will be nothing. You made the respectful choice to scale back time spent with Dan....but that's something that happens organically anyways.....people's relationship dynamics change as we change when we take on new relationships. There is nothing to worry about.

[Spectre]

You weren't really clear about what you told him about Dan. You said he knows you were old friends and stuff, okay..so what about the stuff about the cuddling and the potential feelings and all that? Did you tell him that?

 

Anyways, in retrospect I think you absolutely should of been 100% honest. Especially if you brought them together in the same room to hang out. For me that was incredibly disrespectful to your boyfriend because you gave Dan a one up on him. Going into that Dan wasn't being kept in the dark about anything, but your boyfriend was. You talk about giving too much info too fast, but if you felt comfortable enough to bring them around each other you should of been comfortable enough to be up front with him about it.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Spectre

[Heer]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately, the matter of my bf being jealous towards my bff (Dan) and me has re-surfaced:(:(

 

Basically, Dan's birthday is in september and some of our friends are planning a birthday party for him at my friends (Tony) cottage. Tony is a highschool friend of Dan and I so we are pretty close. Tony has graciously given us his parent's cottage for the party and since he's good friends with Dan, he's in charge of inviting the friends from university and highschool. Some of the other friends are organizing the food, snacks, and booze :laugh: On the other hand, I'm responsible for the all important birthday cake since my parents own a bakery. Since, Dan likes football, I designed a special chocolate cake featuring half of a football. For Dan's gift, I got him an Assassin's creed art book that cost $75.

Now I admit, I have been a bit secretive of my preparations for Dan's party because it is supposed to be a surprise, but Jeff is getting really annoyed by all of this. I told him that he was invited and that a bunch of our friends are planning it, but he doesn't seem to like that. In fact, when I told him not to open the package from Fedex containing Dan's present, he opened it anyway and I have to shrink wrap it again, because its supposed to be brand new. I feel like its the jealousy all over again and its just draining me... I mean this is supposed to be a good time for everyone right? How can I keep my bf from being annoyingly jealous, because it's really straining us right now.

 

Thanks in advance

[smackie9]

You should be more open with him with what is going on with this party, and your BF should grow the f up. Seriously, him opening your package and or mail is an invasion of YOUR privacy. Your BF is acting like a rude little child. You shouldn't let his behavior slide on that one.

 

If it were me that would have been the last straw and kick him to the curb. IMO you are letting him get away with his poor behavior.

 

Sorry but I don't see this relationship lasting much longer.

[jen1447]

You should be more open with him with what is going on with this party, and your BF should grow the f up. Seriously, him opening your package and or mail is an invasion of YOUR privacy. Your BF is acting like a rude little child. You shouldn't let his behavior slide on that one.

 

If it were me that would have been the last straw and kick him to the curb. IMO you are letting him get away with his poor behavior.

 

Sorry but I don't see this relationship lasting much longer.

 

Agree w/smackie ....if honest and open communication based on mutual trust can't resolve this issue, then it's a 'thing' for him that'll probably never go away.

[kgcolonel]

I agree with the last two comments. Additionally, I would take the time to explain to Jeff that his attitude about Dan (while there will never be anything beyond platonic friendship) is a growing obsession and has lead to the end of the relationship. He should have taken the time to get to know Dan and also accept the invitation to the party as a valued BF. Instead, he acted like a 3 year old, and opened a present like he was upset it wasn't for him.

 

 

Overall though, while it may not have changed the outcome as you both are very young, it could have been handled better by both of you in openness and honesty up front on your part and allowing him to decide if he wanted to be a part of a relationship with Dan (as a friend) in the picture.

[Diezel]

I know for a fact that Dan and I are platonic friends because we've had that conversation before and it was flirting before I met my bf. I toned down on the flirting and am acting more friendly.

 

Replying to just the OP...

 

Does Dan know you two are JUST platonic friends?

Because if you "toned down the flirting", that implies maybe DAN thinks you two might not be or that there is a chance.

 

Maybe your BF is picking up on that.

[Diezel]

Just read some other responses.

 

Here's how you solve this, BREAK UP WITH HIM.

[road]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately, the matter of my bf being jealous towards my bff (Dan) and me has re-surfaced:(:(

 

Basically, Dan's birthday is in september and some of our friends are planning a birthday party for him at my friends (Tony) cottage. Tony is a highschool friend of Dan and I so we are pretty close. Tony has graciously given us his parent's cottage for the party and since he's good friends with Dan, he's in charge of inviting the friends from university and highschool. Some of the other friends are organizing the food, snacks, and booze :laugh: On the other hand, I'm responsible for the all important birthday cake since my parents own a bakery. Since, Dan likes football, I designed a special chocolate cake featuring half of a football. For Dan's gift, I got him an Assassin's creed art book that cost $75.

Now I admit, I have been a bit secretive of my preparations for Dan's party because it is supposed to be a surprise, but Jeff is getting really annoyed by all of this. I told him that he was invited and that a bunch of our friends are planning it, but he doesn't seem to like that. In fact, when I told him not to open the package from Fedex containing Dan's present, he opened it anyway and I have to shrink wrap it again, because its supposed to be brand new. I feel like its the jealousy all over again and its just draining me... I mean this is supposed to be a good time for everyone right? How can I keep my bf from being annoyingly jealous, because it's really straining us right now.

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

I just read the first page and the last page.

 

 

Some facts:

 

 

OP is sneaking around with her OM having an EA with a past PA (cuddles is physical contact to make someone feel good).

 

 

OP is still lying to her BF because she is still her hiding past history with her OM and current history with her OM from her BF.

 

 

Withholding information is lying by omission.

 

 

 

 

Some more facts:

 

 

Opposite sex relationship is the first step onto the slippery slope to an affair.

 

 

Many affairs start as normal friendships.

 

 

Many predatory OM use friendship angle to work their want to get their AP into bed.

 

 

When in a relationship there is no need for opposite sex friends. The need for opposite sex friendship is the exclusive job for the person one is in a relationship with.

[Space Ritual]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately, the matter of my bf being jealous towards my bff (Dan) and me has re-surfaced:(:(

 

Basically, Dan's birthday is in september and some of our friends are planning a birthday party for him at my friends (Tony) cottage. Tony is a highschool friend of Dan and I so we are pretty close. Tony has graciously given us his parent's cottage for the party and since he's good friends with Dan, he's in charge of inviting the friends from university and highschool. Some of the other friends are organizing the food, snacks, and booze :laugh: On the other hand, I'm responsible for the all important birthday cake since my parents own a bakery. Since, Dan likes football, I designed a special chocolate cake featuring half of a football. For Dan's gift, I got him an Assassin's creed art book that cost $75.

Now I admit, I have been a bit secretive of my preparations for Dan's party because it is supposed to be a surprise, but Jeff is getting really annoyed by all of this. I told him that he was invited and that a bunch of our friends are planning it, but he doesn't seem to like that. In fact, when I told him not to open the package from Fedex containing Dan's present, he opened it anyway and I have to shrink wrap it again, because its supposed to be brand new. I feel like its the jealousy all over again and its just draining me... I mean this is supposed to be a good time for everyone right? How can I keep my bf from being annoyingly jealous, because it's really straining us right now.

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

I read the entire thread, only because it was the first one I saw and it was already at Nine pages so I figured I'd give it a shot.

 

 

Heer,

 

What the hell are you doing?

 

One thing that has been brought up in a roundabout way to you more than once is that we guys have fragile , and I mean FRAGILE egos.

 

I don't give a rat's ass if Dan was your cousin, or your Messiah. Going overboard on the birthday party with the Assassins Creed and the Cake was the most poorly timed move you could have made. The goal of the whole exercise was to quash the pissing match, not exacerbate it.

 

And you did just that. And you really have no one to fault for it but yourself.

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but when you already have dealt with the "We're just friends" issue so recently, to foment even more turmoil by your actions by going completely overboard on a Birthday Party would lead anyone to come to the conclusion that you and Dan are far more than just "Special Friends".

 

I can totally see why Jeff is a bit suspicious. You can be as milquetoast about this as you want, but at this point, if I were you. I would really do Jeff a favor and simply break up with him. Your actions show that you are not a safe person to have for a girlfriend. I think the sad part of it is, is that you aren't doing it to be malicious. I think you just simply do not understand the situation you have created. Walking clueless through life is ok, until your cluelessness starts affecting other people.

 

Please simply break up with Jeff. he does not deserve to be treated like this, regardless of your motive. We all understand you are not going to give up Dan as a friend. So please, in the future, let any future potential boyfriends know that right up front so they can be aware of this and make an informed decision as to whether or not the risk of being in a relationship with you is worth the reward.

 

Again, i apologise for the harshness....but you really needed a 2x4.

[smackie9]

I agree the gift is a little over the top (expensive and personal). A card with a simple gift certificate for iTunes or a bottle of scotch, would have been more appropriate. Or having others pitch in for the gift would have been OK.

 

Your BF is feeling over shadowed. His fault for not confronting you, instead he expressed his anger by ripping open the package, and tampering with the gift.

 

You both have a lot of growing up to do.

[Space Ritual]

I agree it was a bit immature but I try to remind people that the one thing us guys will hardly ever admit is what I said in my above post..our male Egos are terribly fragile. We lie to ourselves about it all the time. We guys will never admit it, but we are more easily hurt at some of the goofiest things.

 

This situation now is more of a really bad timing issue.

 

My best guess is that he is very frustrated as by appearances his perception now going forward is that Heer would choose Dan over him at any critical moment. That is a hard thing to deal with, regardless of gender. I am sure it makes him feel like a third wheel.

 

At any rate, Jeff does not feel safe with Heer. And he is grasping at straws to understand the whole thing, and he has more questions than he has answers. The natural progression of this will be that he will grow increasingly suspicious which will lead to him doing stupid stuff as a reaction, and just making an ass out of himself. They just need to part ways. it will be better for all involved.

[DKT3]

I just don't understand why you don't end it with your BF, its just becoming so clear that the "FRIEND" is more important to you. Your like the kid that steals candy and gets mad because the other kids are mad because you stole the candy. You do things (even you have admitted throughout the thread) are less then idea for a woman in a relationship.

 

Just let the guy go?

[qubist]

Heer: it is easy to say that lack of trust and communication is intoxicating your relationship. you should understand that your BF is insecure and is jealous as hell. your options are limited to 2

1- end it with him and just go on in your life

2- stay with him, if you do that you should understand that he needs your help and your sacrifice. if he is insecure he won't use the logic you are using. you will have to talk to him differently, more in a nice way about his insecurity. show him that you love him. keep assure him that his the only one.

if you don't address this you will always have this problem until one of you can't handle it any more.

let me ask you question. do you do this kind of parties to any other friend or just DAN. because he will look at it that you are treating him specially.

have you done this for your BF birthday?

if you want to stay with BF go give him a kiss and a deep hug right now. apologize to him ( I know your ego is telling you you didn't do anything wrong) but he needs it. tell him that you are sorry he felt this way but the party is by all friends not just you. make sure that he goes with you to the party if he says no keep insisting because that will assure him more

[DKT3]

Heer: it is easy to say that lack of trust and communication is intoxicating your relationship. you should understand that your BF is insecure and is jealous as hell. your options are limited to 2

1- end it with him and just go on in your life

2- stay with him, if you do that you should understand that he needs your help and your sacrifice. if he is insecure he won't use the logic you are using. you will have to talk to him differently, more in a nice way about his insecurity. show him that you love him. keep assure him that his the only one.

if you don't address this you will always have this problem until one of you can't handle it any more.

let me ask you question. do you do this kind of parties to any other friend or just DAN. because he will look at it that you are treating him specially.

have you done this for your BF birthday?

if you want to stay with BF go give him a kiss and a deep hug right now. apologize to him ( I know your ego is telling you you didn't do anything wrong) but he needs it. tell him that you are sorry he felt this way but the party is by all friends not just you. make sure that he goes with you to the party if he says no keep insisting because that will assure him more

 

I usually agree with what you say, but here I strongly disagree.

 

At issue here is 2/3 Heer being in love with Dan and making him a priority over Jeff and 1/3 heer enjoying the fact she can make Jeff jealous.

 

Jeff expressed his concerns about Heer spending so much time with Dan, her response wasn't to spend less time with Dan but it was to force Jeff to tag along once in a while. At issue there is that she really wanted to keep the two apart and was all pins and needles...RED FLAG. Her compromise wasn't spending less time...RED FLAG...her taking the lead in planning the party knowing her boyfriend has issues in this area....RED FLAG.

 

I don't think Jeff is a jealous guy in general, were his this relationship would be much more explosive and likely over by now.

 

I actually think she is toxic for Jeff and is making him a worse person.

Edited August 27, 2015 by DKT3

[Heer]

Hi everyone thanks for all your feedback. I appreciate it. I really don't have anyone to talk to in real life because I don't want anyone to leak info :(

 

I have to explain a few things:

 

1.) First the birthday party for Dan is planned by a few of our high school friends, so I'm not the only one. A friend of mine has offered his parent's cottage to hold the party and the bill for food and drinks are split. Some of our high school friends also take turns planning each others b-day party. I am only in charge of the cake and the Assasin's Creed Art book gift was something Dan really wanted. Jeff (my bf) is invited to the party, in fact, I want him to go because there is a lot of my high school friends as well as university friends, so it should be fun for everyone. I'm not the only one planning this so I'm not sure if this is overboard.

 

2.) Since the thread has started in May, I've told Jeff more about my past and he understands that at some point in time, Dan and I were close. Within this time, I have also consistently spent more time with Jeff, which includes sleeping over, making him meals and going on short vacation trips. We both put a lot into the relationship and I have only maintained strictly platonic conversations with Dan and occasional study groups and coffee time with friends. Since my bf goes to a college nearby he really can't study with me.

 

Both me and Jeff's attitude has been really crappy so its draining me mentally and physically :( I really hoped that we would all just get along.:o

[road]

 

I have to explain a few things:

 

 

 

Both me and Jeff's attitude has been really crappy so its draining me mentally and physically :( I really hoped that we would all just get along.:o

 

 

 

 

Let me explain a few things:

 

 

You do not buy another man a $75 birthday gift.

 

 

You do not keep a relationship with a cuddle buddy when you have moved onto another relationship.

 

 

You do not do these things and then expect your BF Jeff's attitude to be good.

 

 

Your attitude is crappy because you have to remove an ex from your life.

 

 

You do not want to do this because you do not want to end your EA.

 

 

You do not want to do this because you are an attention addict.

 

 

You do not cut out your OM from your life because you enjoy him chasing after you too much.

[Space Ritual]

Hi everyone thanks for all your feedback. I appreciate it. I really don't have anyone to talk to in real life because I don't want anyone to leak info :(

 

I have to explain a few things:

 

1.) First the birthday party for Dan is planned by a few of our high school friends, so I'm not the only one. A friend of mine has offered his parent's cottage to hold the party and the bill for food and drinks are split. Some of our high school friends also take turns planning each others b-day party. I am only in charge of the cake and the Assasin's Creed Art book gift was something Dan really wanted. Jeff (my bf) is invited to the party, in fact, I want him to go because there is a lot of my high school friends as well as university friends, so it should be fun for everyone. I'm not the only one planning this so I'm not sure if this is overboard.

 

2.) Since the thread has started in May, I've told Jeff more about my past and he understands that at some point in time, Dan and I were close. Within this time, I have also consistently spent more time with Jeff, which includes sleeping over, making him meals and going on short vacation trips. We both put a lot into the relationship and I have only maintained strictly platonic conversations with Dan and occasional study groups and coffee time with friends. Since my bf goes to a college nearby he really can't study with me.

 

Both me and Jeff's attitude has been really crappy so its draining me mentally and physically :( I really hoped that we would all just get along.:o

 

 

Sigh...

 

You just don't get it. It would be almost laughable if you weren't serious. But you are serious. And that is what makes it so sad. Good Luck, you are going to need a boatload of it.

[Space Ritual]

Let me explain a few things:

 

 

You do not buy another man a $75 birthday gift.

 

 

You do not keep a relationship with a cuddle buddy when you have moved onto another relationship.

 

 

You do not do these things and then expect your BF Jeff's attitude to be good.

 

 

Your attitude is crappy because you have to remove an ex from your life.

 

 

You do not want to do this because you do not want to end your EA.

 

 

You do not want to do this because you are an attention addict.

 

 

You do not cut out your OM from your life because you enjoy him chasing after you too much.

 

It's a futile endeavor, Road....some people have to continue the journey down the vortex of insanity regardless of who they take down with them. I think this is one of those journeys.

[jen1447]

Hi everyone thanks for all your feedback. I appreciate it. I really don't have anyone to talk to in real life because I don't want anyone to leak info :(

 

I have to explain a few things:

 

1.) First the birthday party for Dan is planned by a few of our high school friends, so I'm not the only one. A friend of mine has offered his parent's cottage to hold the party and the bill for food and drinks are split. Some of our high school friends also take turns planning each others b-day party. I am only in charge of the cake and the Assasin's Creed Art book gift was something Dan really wanted. Jeff (my bf) is invited to the party, in fact, I want him to go because there is a lot of my high school friends as well as university friends, so it should be fun for everyone. I'm not the only one planning this so I'm not sure if this is overboard.

 

2.) Since the thread has started in May, I've told Jeff more about my past and he understands that at some point in time, Dan and I were close. Within this time, I have also consistently spent more time with Jeff, which includes sleeping over, making him meals and going on short vacation trips. We both put a lot into the relationship and I have only maintained strictly platonic conversations with Dan and occasional study groups and coffee time with friends. Since my bf goes to a college nearby he really can't study with me.

 

Both me and Jeff's attitude has been really crappy so its draining me mentally and physically :( I really hoped that we would all just get along.:o

 

Heer, are you deeply committed to Jeff? As in white picket fences committed?

[Diezel]

Heer, are you deeply committed to Jeff? As in white picket fences committed?

 

The thread speaks to a "Hell no".

 

Jeff is just the guy that happens to be there after Dan.

 

I 100% guarantee, Dan is trying to get her in bed.

[qubist]

Heer, are you deeply committed to Jeff? As in white picket fences committed?

I like this question a lot, can't wait for Heer's answer.

Heer: you are missing 2 major points:

1- Jeff is jealous and jealous people see things differently whether o pullout with it or not will be determined based on your answer to Jen's quastion above.

2- while I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you really do not have any feelings toward Dan, so I'm saying that you are just not seeing this point. you are "addicted" to Dan's attention, it is stuck on you that's why you insist on his "friendship"

you are only 20 and this your first committed relationship, we are just trying to tell you things that you might not be able to see yourself. one thing you should know for sure, if you love someone you should expect that you would sacrifice some extra effort for him.

good luck, try handling this party things smartly,

[lolablue17]

I think everybody are going down on her too much...

 

She has a friend (Not an Ex, they'd never had sex, or close to it... no kissing or making out), and her boyfriend is a little jealous.

 

OP - you said that you were secretive about the present. Well, this is the kind of thing you shouldn't do. You know that you Bf is sensitive about it, yet you chose to be secretive about the present. Now you "wonder" why is he insecure...

 

You cannot change Jeff and you don't want to change yourself. So you have to be more carefull managing the situation. Don't be secretive with Jeff about Dan. And try to reduce hanging out with dan one on one meetings. And be merciful with Jeff. Hug him and remind him how much you love him. That's what he wants to hear.

[Space Ritual]

I think everybody are going down on her too much

 

 

I think that's what Jeff's nightmare is about the Birthday Party

[kendahke]

Heer... either you alter your behavior to quit making it seem like Dan is eclipsing Jeff or you cut Jeff loose and do as you please.

 

But stop acting brand new already. You know exactly what the problem is but you don't want to give up what is instigating all of your relationship problems. Jeff ain't changing who he is. If you refuse to change what you're doing, then you have no business being in any relationship with that kind of a selfish attitude.