Bubbles Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Guys I have a real issue with my Mother's NEW husband. She is 59 and he is 69. She has been married before (once) and he has never been married. He was gay. Gave it up.....decided that he should not be living his life that way. Met my Mom 10 years after decision was made. They met in November and were married on New Year's Eve. I am afraid for her. I don't trust him. How am I going to make things better for myself? I love my Mom but............. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 You have to realize that your mother is an adult and capable of making her own decisions regardless of what your opinion is. It doesn't matter if you like her new husband or not, he is her new husband and you should treat him with the same respect that you'd treat any other man she married. As long as he treats her well and takes care of your mother and she's happy, your feelings regarding him are irrelevant. Try and be a supporting daughter and not allow your own personal issues with his history cause you to put unfair stress in their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 But Pocky, I can't stand the look of him and neither can my children. We were NEVER introduced to the man before she married him! Am I expected to just sit there and behave accordingly? I am 38 years old! I'm not a little baby here! I don't even want to see them when they come for a visit and they are coming AGAIN in May. How do I ignore the fact that he led the gay lifestyle for 45 years and this is his first Female relationship!!!! Hmmmmm????? how do I handle that? You basically said put up and shut up! Don't you think SHE would have voiced her opinion if she did'nt like my choice in a husband? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 as hard as it's going to be to adjust to her being married to someone other than your dad, and as much as you may not like the new guy, think of it in these terms: if her new husband brings her happiness, that's what you should try to focus on. Because in the end, it's her happiness that matters the most, not the children's or grandchildren's, as hard as that is to admit. my dad had his next wife lined up the minute my mother entered a nursing home and we all were pretty pissed off about that, especially because she was barely older than me, the youngest of his brood. I don't know what happened, but that daydream ended and someone from WalMart introduced Daddy to her mom. And as hard as it is to deal with my mom not being here, I'm glad he's found this little lady because they've got so much in common, and she's good for him. Best of all, she doesn't take his macho BS, so I don't think there will be the kinds of problems with that relationship as there was between my folks ... and really, that's the most I could ask for, that he find someone who is on an equal footing with him, no matter what her background. I hope all this makes sense, especially now that they've done tied the knot ... quank is there any way to get to know the guy better? or does he just make you completely uneasy being around him? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 How do I ignore the fact that he led the gay lifestyle for 45 years and this is his first Female relationship!!!! Hmmmmm????? how do I handle that? that is a hard one to deal with ... without being too intrusive (or tacky), do you think they've got a physical relationship going, or is it more about companionship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Please don't get me wrong......I don't want my parents together either they fought too much. Their marriage ended over 25 years ago. I'm fine with that. How do I get to know the guy better when all I see when I look at him is a dirty old homosexual? He still dresses the lifestyle with all his biker caps and pants and his Harley Davidson. Oh Lord HELP!!!!!!! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 She won't talk about their physical relationship so I don't think that's going very well at all or.......it could just be old age I don't know. Ewwwwww!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Wow - you've got to deal with your issues with homosexuality. Isn't all that matters is that your mother is happy? Does it really matter if he's gay or was gay as long as she's happy with him? Isn't it unfair that you haven't even given him a chance? What if he's a wonderful person? You're just going to completely write him off as a person because he slept with men? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Is that your only hang-up, or is there more? Did she tell you about his homosexuality (I'm assuming she did)? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 He still dresses the lifestyle with all his biker caps and pants and his Harley Davidson. biker, or just flaming? maybe there's just something about his personality that clicks with your mom ~ like he'll accompany her places without griping the way a straight guy would, or he's the best listener she's ever met for a guy. You could step back and ask them how they met, how they knew they would make good marriage partners, things of that nature, just to give you an idea how they view their relationship and why it seems to work well for them ... look past the gay thing as much as possible ~ they could truly be compatible! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 She told me about his homosexuality only a day before the wedding. She told me that she had to say something because she did'nt want me hearing it from somebody else. They met at church. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 It appears your mom is capable of looking at someone for who they are on the inside - maybe you could do that for her? Take a chance and see who he is? He could be a wonderful man. You never know. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 Well, he won't have 'given up' homosexuality. It's not like golf - you don't take it up for fun. However, a gay man can be a woman's best possible companion. Am I expected to just sit there and behave accordingly? I am 38 years old! I'm not a little baby here! Which is precisely why you ought not act like a petulant whiny child. Acting like an adult means accepting her choice gracefully, being happy because she is happy, and keeping your trap shut. How do I ignore the fact that he led the gay lifestyle for 45 years and this is his first Female relationship!!!! Hmmmmm????? how do I handle that? It's none of your business whatsoever so you shut up about it. Try to learn that even homosexuals are human. It's unfortunate that your mom told you. I wish you'd met him first. I bet you would have liked him a great deal, and then she could have told you and you would have realized that what he does in bed doesn't change who he is. Try opening your mind a little crack and learning a bit about other humans rather than prejudging them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 26, 2005 Author Share Posted April 26, 2005 Life has a funny way of looking after things........... Yesterday afternnon while I was midstream of my tangeant an Aunt of mine called me at work.....totally out of the blue! I have not heard from her in at least 3 years! She was all excited saying "So? Mom got married huh?".......get that! That was the first thing she said to me so I replied "yes, she did.....woo hoo" My Aunt could tell that I was not all that happy about things so she asked if she could come over to my place so that we could talk. I agreed.......I needed to talk to somebody So my Aunt came over and she asked me right away what the problem was. I explained it all to her. How I had received a letter from my Mother in November stating that she had "met someone" and two days later she called me exclaiming that she was going to pick out an engagement ring!!! I explained how I was thrown right off by this but I want my Mother to be happy so I acted as though I was fine with everything and very excited for her. Then not 3 weeks after that phone call I receive another phone call saying that they had set a date for the wedding...............December 31st!!!! Can you please come? My Aunts' mouth was hanging open by this point. I proceeded to tell her of how I was informed of My Mother's new husbands past. <<more jaw dropping>> Then I proceeded to explain to her that my Mother's husband just simply gives me the creeps. You know what happened then? My Aunt was speechless! She has no idea that this was as spontaneous as it was and also had no idea about anyone's past life. Although she did try to be open minded about all of this I could tell that she was feeling the same as I. DUMBFOUNDED. So you see? It's all fine and dandy to say that you accept one's "lifestyle" choice but I'll tell you first hand......it's quite something else when you come to find that a "lifestyle" is being injected into YOUR family and that this is something that you will have to be sensitive to for the rest of time. I'm still not any better with all this that has happened but............I guess I will give it one more shot.......I just wish that he would start acting more Masculine. It's embarassing! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 Bubbles why don't you trust your mom's husband? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 Hi Bubbles, You know, I've been following this thread and trying to imagine what it would feel like if my own mother were in the same situation. I'm not going to lye -- I think I'd be feeling a bit apprehensive and skeptical about the whole thing as well. Even worried. It's not so much someone's sexual preference, but the fact that homosexuality/heterosexuality isn't a "hobby" that one simply chooses to pick up or put down…as Moi already mentioned. Particularly since this has been his preference for most of his adult life. At least that's my understanding of it. So my real fear would be that this man was simply experimenting with the heterosexuality lifestyle because he wasn't particularly happy with the way his relationships with men turned out in the past. Perhaps he'd gone to church and had been convinced to try and change his life? But what would happen if he decided that he couldn't play the straight role and wanted to return to his old lifestyle? Would Mom be devastated if the man she fell in love with walked out on her and went back to what's comfortable to him? Would she understand? I'd be more worried that Mom would end up hurt and confused by the whole ordeal. Particularly if she wasn't well versed on what it actually means to be gay. Then again, it wouldn't matter who my mother chose to marry. If you really think about it, she'd could run the same risk with a straight man who might decide to walk out on her one day for another woman. Especially if your mother has a history of choosing risky relationship partners. I know for me it would be difficult to be happy while at the same time feeling genuine concern for her well-being. But what are you going to do now that she's already knee-deep in it? For me, I'd have to surrender to the fact that what's done is done and try my best to enjoy her brief moment of happiness…while at the same time preparing myself to support her if the worst should happen. While mothers and daughters may not always agree on each other's decisions, we love each other unconditionally and in the end that's what usually gets us through the crazy times. And so does having a sense of humor about the whole thing -- I understand it totally. Just try and keep it in check around Mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 26, 2005 Author Share Posted April 26, 2005 Thank you all you guys! Enigma....thank you for putting yourself in my shoes and seeing my fears clearly I appreciate that and I need that to be able to see my way clear. Pokey, thank you for getting me to think and feel the things that my Mother would possibly feel. As her daughter I do have to respect her. quankanne, thank you also for advising me to be open minded and "think outside the box" craig, the reason why I do not trust him is as simple as what enignma said "homosexuality is not a hobby" He still hangs out with people leading a gay lifestyle. He certainly has some things about his personality that are definatly part of the gay lifestyle and even though he says he has left all that behind while I look around his home........it does'nt look that way to me! I am afraid that my Mother is an experiment and that just would'nt be fair! As I said earlier......life has a way of sorting things out. Just before my luch hour he e-mailled me some of the wedding photo's and we have been chatting back and forth about their visit next month. I'm not saying that everything is fine......not by a longshot but this might be just what we need to get to know eachother. I am willing to give this a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Wow. I haven't read the whole thread so please pardon if I'm repeating others. Gay or straight I would have some major concerns if my mom met and married someone so fast! I would have my guard up whenever I met him. Throwing in homosexuality is a BIG deal!! Whether he was/is truly a homosexual, or someone who lived the lifestyle because they followed a fad or was confused for 60-odd years, it seems like a time-bomb. I would be very concerned for my mother too. I'm glad that your mother knew before the marriage -- props to them for discussing it, and props to your mom for telling you before they were married, she wanted you to hear it from her and that's good. All you can really do, as I see it--this is how I would handle it: is to reinforce that you love your mother and want her to be happy. Be honest with her that you do have some concerns and that you hope they never come to fruition, but if they do you will be there for your mom and will promise to be non-judgemental, because that is how she handled your loves and broken hearts over the years. Try to get to know the guy and be on a friendly basis with him. Sexuality is only one part of a person. I think if it were me, I would want to have this guy's background checked out. They met and married so fast! On a side note: While it is generally accepted by the younger generation that sexual orientation is not a choice, but something that people are born with that does not mean that every single person who claims to be a homosexual or lives a homosexual lifestyle was born that way. There are MANY people who make those claims and live the lifestyle because it is a fad, or popular, or they are looking for shock value or are confused and have indeed made a choice---sometimes even confusing themselves. There are those who were convinced that they were gay but then changed and embraced heterosexuality and found that they were not born gay, but had made a choice of lifestyle because they were confused. Just as many gay people sometimes live a heterosexual lifestyle because it is accepted and expected, and sometimes its just because they are confused too. We see people on LS sometimes asking "am I gay?" because they just don't know. It IS possible for someone who lived most of his life as a gay man to change his beliefs and his sexual identity -- maybe he really is one of those rare cases. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles Pokey, thank you for getting me to think and feel the things that my Mother would possibly feel. As her daughter I do have to respect her. I should rename myself, Pokey. My husband calls me Pokey when I walk to slow (he moves like we're always in a rush). Many people here call me Pokey. Pokey's kinda cute. Sometimes I'm slow to respond so in a sense I'm Pokey. I should change to Pokey. Just approach everything as balanced as you can. You don't have to love him, too. Just find out if he's not worthy of it instead of automatically shutting him off. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Bubbles: I would be worried as well. First of all, since we all pretty much agree that a person's sexuality doesn't just get turned off or on, this guy really has no "reason" to be married to your mom. If he is interested in other men, he wouldn't be interested in HER. Second, if she is . . . what'd you say? 59? . . . she is 15 years older than I am. That means that when she and I were growing up, homosexuality was not as accepted as it is now. Was she always that open-minded? Or did this open-minded, acceptability came over her suddenly? Is she so lonely that she has changed her way of thinking just to accommodate anyone with no regard for how good they are for her well-being? Third, gay or not, I would be real interested in a man being so #ell-bent on marrying my mom in such a short amount of time. What would the reason be? Does your mom have a decent bank account that he may be after? I say to go with your gut feelings. They are almost NEVER wrong. Your gut is trying to tell you something. So how hard would it be to do a lil on-line detective work on this guy? What's it cost? About $30 or $50 to start? . . . Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Good idea! Spend the 20 bucks to do a background check and if he comes out clean, rest assured that he's atleast not a convict! Can you imagine explaining to your mom that you found out some dirt on him? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 First of all, since we all pretty much agree that a person's sexuality doesn't just get turned off or on, this guy really has no "reason" to be married to your mom. If he is interested in other men, he wouldn't be interested in HER. Well not all of us agree. Sex is one component of a marriage - not the foundation of a marriage. They could have a very loving relationship that offers them both companionship as they age and brings them happiness. He could be a great person and he could treat her mother well. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 The fact that he's gay talks about his sexual preferences. not abut who he is. He's not "gay", Bubles, he's a person. You'll say it's easy for me to say so, because I don't get to have him in my family. I'd look at your mom before judging him. Is she happy? Is she shining? that's the most important thing. His past belongs to no one but himself. What if he were of another religion? Of another race? How would that change the situation? We only live once and then we die. If it's making your mom happy, you should be happy for her. IT's a harsh world out there when you're all alone and everyone's judging you. I'm almost ashamed of you, bubles. You should support and defend your mom from the badmouthers, not do the badmouthing. Can't you find it in your heart to be a little more altruistic for her sake? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 28, 2005 Author Share Posted April 28, 2005 Lil Honey, You must have a hammer in your hand because you just hit the nail on the head. My guts are still telling me to "beware" I had posted earlier that hopefully he and I would get to know each other by means of e-mail. He has shown me that he has no interest in doing that. I sent him a few question messages and he sent back one or two word answers - without signature so that was identifying to me that he did not want to continue. No my Mother does not have any money - thank gawd! I do beleive in my heart that my Mother has married this man out of desperation. I cannott think of any other reason.....at all. I spoke with my Aunt the other night and communicated my feelings with her hoping that saying things "out loud" might help me to sort things out. Well, she was'nt much help at all. She is ALSO a born-again christian (as my mother and husband are) and would'nt tell me what she was really thinking then the next day I called my Aunt and she said that my Mom had called her the night before and they had a really nice conversation! Meanwhile i'm thinking to myself....."oh great!" My aunt then proceeds to say to me that while she was on the phone with my Mother......Mom's husband was speaking in the background.........my aunt said to me "well! He's not the most masculine man now is he?" so there you have it! I Am Not Crazy! Still going throught the motions of trying to accept this. I know I'll work it out.......eventually bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bubbles Posted April 28, 2005 Author Share Posted April 28, 2005 tiki, no I cannot imagine trying to explain that to my Mom........oh my! She'd be really, really upset with me. You know it's a funny thing........the FIRST thing my Mother told me about him was the fact that he led a gay lifestyle. CurlyIam, I can't tell if my Mom is happy or not.........she's going through a lifestyle change you know? She has not been married for over 25 years.....no she has not lived with any-one. She has been alone. She has had many, many boyfriends - too many if you ask me and every single one of them has been a total and complete JERK! She has the amazing ability to pick out the absolute worst guy in the crowd and invite him into her life. So I guess it's safe to say that only time will tell. Until then? Pass the Tums! I think my ulcers are acting up again! LOL Poky, You might very well be right.......I can't tell right now I really want her to be happy and to shine but I can't see it right now. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
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