My journal of a co-worker I asked out and the aftermath

[Teknoe]

1. I am a teacher. My coworker began here her first year in August.

 

2. I wasn't attracted to her right away. It was around October that as I slowly began to interact with her more that I began liking her.

 

3. I asked her out in early March 2015. She said she was flattered but that she doesn't want to date her first year of teaching. I took it as a friendly rejection BUT with a slight (even if ever so slightly) glimmer of hope. There is a 1% chance she had made that very pact before I asked her out, and is a woman of her word. I know, highly unlikely, but not entirely impossible.

 

4. We exchanged numbers (finally) in April. We started texting each other a LOT. And by a lot I mean A LOT. i.e. an hour back and forth pretty much non-stop. What do we text? Silly witty banter stuff. A lot of one upmanship, a lot of little games, and "friendly fire" as I like to call it.

 

5. I played a prank on her at school, and she's been threatening to get me back ever since. This helped increase the playfulness and the fun of our friendship.

 

6. I got so confused at one point in late April/early May 2015 if maybe she was changing her tune on me. I went to her grade level partner, whom she is close with and told I had asked her out back in March, if "Tiffany" (my crush's name let's say) has changed her mind about dating me. She said "Sorry Tek, Tiff recently told me she only sees you as a friend." That was kind of crushing, and after which I had a bit of a tough time separating the silly playfulness of the work friendship from the fact that it isn't anything beyond that.

 

7. Today she punched me in the nose on accident when she drew something a bit indiscriminating, and I refused to give it back to her. She tried to yank it away, I turned my face and her knuckles grazed my nose. She was highly apologetic, and it was just kind of funny the whole situation.

 

We basically share a quirky friendship that is somewhere "more than colleagues, but less than lovers/partners." I guess the word for that is friends, eh? LOL.

 

If it weren't for #6's information above, I would say maybe she is coming around on liking me. But it's hard to say that she is, even if her actions could be interpreted as her coming around, because of #6, and to assume otherwise would be straight up foolish.

 

Anyway, any thoughts on this? I figured if she did like me at all to date, that she would have approached me by now saying "Hey Tek, my first year of teaching is now over, and yes, I'd like to take you up on your offer now."

 

But she hasn't. So my guess is she just likes to pester/tease me, in a way that makes work less dull/more fun for her. But just because she does that, it doesn't mean she sees me in a romantic light.

 

It's a shame IMHO because I think we'd be a great match for each other. Then again I am biased because I really like her and wish she would at least give me a dating chance.

 

In the end I guess it's one of another hundred million cases of "it is what it is" and "sorry bro, she likes you as a good guy friend, but nothing more."

 

Such is my luck in the game of love, folks.

[La.Primavera]

Any attention they give you feels more significant than with other people. It is like your mind only sees what it wants to see. If you only had platonic feelings you probably wouldn't think twice about it.

 

Being friend-zoned can be tough. My only advice would be try to not get so invested in these feelings that you miss out on the opportunity to date someone else.

[Teknoe]

Any attention they give you feels more significant than with other people. It is like your mind only sees what it wants to see. If you only had platonic feelings you probably wouldn't think twice about it.

 

Being friend-zoned can be tough. My only advice would be try to not get so invested in these feelings that you miss out on the opportunity to date someone else.

 

Oh I pretty much agree. I'm trying to look for other girls to date, but admittedly it's tough when the one I like feels like she could really be the one. But that's just infatuation talking. Unfortunately I already tried and she politely said no (for all intents and purposes).

[AGoodFriend]

Just to add to what Primavera, you also have to consider the potential impact of a workplace romance on both your careers.

 

I would say file this one in the back of your mind and go about your business. Keep working, keep being successful, stay in shape, and have fun.

 

There is a good chance that she will come around to liking you down the road (2-3 years), but don't hold your breath in the meantime.

[La.Primavera]

You also have it on good authority by someone close to her that she only sees you as a friend.

 

I know it is hard to let go of the image of how happy the two of you could have been together but it is part of the infatuation. Sometimes it is better to face the cold hard facts and save yourself months, even years of false hope and heartbreak. The one is still out there waiting for you.

[Art_Critic]

people like and are playful with friends as well, that is where you are going wrong.. if as her friend says (and it sounds true as she hasn't said anything to you about her feelings) and she sees you as a friend then there is zero chance for you and you should learn to cherish the friendship and stop trying to build it into something more.

 

It's a heart wrenching toughie but it's up to you to let go some and look at it differently.

[Teknoe]

Agreed with what everyone is saying.

 

#6 is what kills it for me. If #6 information wasn't known, my crush would have fooled me that maybe she does like me the same way.

 

The only mind trick I can play is that in the 3 or so weeks since someone close to her told me the truth about how she sees me as just a friend is... she's changed her tune due to our interactions over the last 3 weeks but yeah, that is highly unlikely.

 

I think I provide her with an ego boost, and I think I help make work more fun.

 

But that in no way automatically translates to her wanting to date me.

 

So you guys are right, just enjoy the friendship for what it is, and leave it there. Dreaming or hoping actively that she'll change her heart is a recipe for disaster.

 

BTW, I do have a date for next Friday with a girl I met online. We'll see how it goes If nothing else, it'll help me with the "moving on" process.

[preraph]

Always remember that if you were right for each other, the other person would think so too! The other person has already eliminated you as anything more than friends, so you're not right for each other. It's hard to swallow, but we all have to do it some time.

[darkmoon]

ignore the friend, i can think of a few friends who like to gossip, full of nosiness, but getting the wrong end of the stick

 

look, it seems wierd that she said what she did and then the girl you like carries on goofing around with you, this does not add up

 

enjoy the rapport that you have, you can not control tomorrow or year two of working together, so do not try to do anything, just enjoy, you can not force loving feelings to grow, just be happy with now

[Teknoe]

ignore the friend, i can think of a few friends who like to gossip, full of nosiness, but getting the wrong end of the stick

 

look, it seems wierd that she said what she did and then the girl you like carries on goofing around with you, this does not add up

 

enjoy the rapport that you have, you can not control tomorrow or year two of working together, so do not try to do anything, just enjoy, you can not force loving feelings to grow, just be happy with now

 

True, part of me feels this way largely, too. I'm just enjoying the friendship for what it is, because it ISN'T normal. Platonic friends don't tease and one-up in the way that we do. Some of the behavior is borderline "intimate" in terms of "this is something I would only do with someone I kinda like."

 

But again, I don't want to overread into it. It is what it is, and I'm enjoying it. I bet most people see us and wish they could have that youthful playfulness that we exhibit.

[Tayla]

Teachers are held to higher standards. You may want to double check your contract. Your whimsy behavior would get you fired in our school districts. Texting her during work hours can be harassment if its non work related..

Talking to other staff members about it may put you in hot water...

Step back, get informed, and simmer.

[Teknoe]

Teachers are held to higher standards. You may want to double check your contract. Your whimsy behavior would get you fired in our school districts. Texting her during work hours can be harassment if its non work related..

Talking to other staff members about it may put you in hot water...

Step back, get informed, and simmer.

 

Well we're on summer break now.

 

And I do plan to simmer down. But I should let it be known that our staff is very small, very loose, and very much sarcastic/prone to joking with one another. It's not super formal, but I hear what you're saying.

 

Every school is different though. She and I once spoke about how 9 out of 10 other schools we can't interact the way we do.

[La.Primavera]

I do have a date for next Friday with a girl I met online. We'll see how it goes If nothing else, it'll help me with the "moving on" process.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck on your date.

[Teknoe]

My date is tonight.

 

As for the coworker I had a crush on, we're on summer break and likely won't see each other until school starts again in August.

 

She did text me last night about a few things.

 

I try to let her initiate and come to me, as I don't want to become that needy platonic male friend who thinks "Oh, the more I contact her the more chance I'll get to connect with her."

 

I got things to do and people to see!

[Vick007]

My date is tonight.

 

As for the coworker I had a crush on, we're on summer break and likely won't see each other until school starts again in August.

 

She did text me last night about a few things.

 

I try to let her initiate and come to me, as I don't want to become that needy platonic male friend who thinks "Oh, the more I contact her the more chance I'll get to connect with her."

 

I got things to do and people to see!

 

You situation reminds me of something I got into a few years back. I was at my first job after graduating college and I met a girl at work. She was just flirtatious in general, and she ultimately became a crush.

 

She actually acted similar to how your crush acts to you, but basically put up the same walls to me as she is doing to you. We worked together though and that really prevented me from coming out and telling her right off the bat, I had a crush on her. So as a result a friendship similar to yours, developed with her.

 

I went back and forth with the idea for awhile and we always remained friends and talked to each other or hung out each week. She had a close friend I knew from high school, so I asked her at one point, what this girl thought of me. The response I got was "She thinks your a cool guy and a great friend, but she interested in another guy"

 

It was hard, but I just eventually moved on. We still talk and keep in touch even though we don't work at the same place anymore. Not saying that will be your case too but the dating is a good idea. Date, self improve yourself and keep contact with her. Don't stand by the door waiting for her, life is too short!

[Teknoe]

A. The date was a dud. I mean, it was OK, but a dud in the sense that neither of us had chemistry with the other.

 

B. My friend gave me great perspective today when I asked her if I blew it with my crush. And she said no I didn't because... my crush basically rejected me when I initially asked in March... so after that point I lost nothing because I never gained anything (other than the balls it took to ask her out)

 

It helped me to shift my thinking a little bit... even though it still kinda hurts. I'm not quite over her yet, and I know this because during the date I kept thinking about how my date wasn't like my crush. It's not the same and other thoughts were zooming through my head. Sigh. I just need to get away from this for a while and keep a clear head. But it's tough sometimes, like right now it feels pretty tough.

[Els]

A. The date was a dud. I mean, it was OK, but a dud in the sense that neither of us had chemistry with the other.

 

B. My friend gave me great perspective today when I asked her if I blew it with my crush. And she said no I didn't because... my crush basically rejected me when I initially asked in March... so after that point I lost nothing because I never gained anything (other than the balls it took to ask her out)

 

It helped me to shift my thinking a little bit... even though it still kinda hurts. I'm not quite over her yet, and I know this because during the date I kept thinking about how my date wasn't like my crush. It's not the same and other thoughts were zooming through my head. Sigh. I just need to get away from this for a while and keep a clear head. But it's tough sometimes, like right now it feels pretty tough.

 

Unfortunately this is the problem we foresaw when we asked you to try and go minimal contact with your crush after getting rejected by her. For as long as you are into her, it's unlikely that anything with anyone else is going to work out, because you are still smitten with her. You aren't truly available and there isn't going to be a way for you to heal and become more available until you either distance yourself from your crush or somehow manage to stop crushing on her otherwise.

 

You HAVE to try harder move on, Tek. It's been, what, over a year now?

[Teknoe]

You HAVE to try harder move on, Tek. It's been, what, over a year now?

 

I think you may be mixing her up with a previous crush I asked out, lol.

 

This one "polite rejected" me ("I'm flattered! But I'm not dating my first year of teaching") March 2015.

 

But April-May 2015 we were texting/communicating back and forth. Lots of silly playful banter that was probably just friends stuff, but it blurred lines at times.

 

Work ended and we went on summer break June 2015. So since then texting has been minimal other than two days or so. We were in contact everyday basically REALLY STRONG contact for 2 months straight, so this sudden void has been difficult, however, being week #3 now I believe I am starting to push through it. Now I've adjusted to the silence and am handling that end better i.e. waking up, checking my phone, hoping for a text from her but seeing nothing. April-May 2015 she was leaving me text messages in the morning when I woke up (not often, but enough to condition me to it where it was a weekly thing at the very least). Again, none of it was ever flirty, but I don't think two platonic friends would communicate as much as we did... so her actions weren't lining up with what she was saying.

 

Anyway, I start a cooking class today! Something productive to do these next couple weeks and continue to self improve

[Teknoe]

VERY happy to report that the SPELL HAS BEEN BROKEN!

 

I'm well on my way to recovery and completely removing her from my "well, there's STILL a possibility..." file. And straight into the friend file.

 

I no longer wake up, look at my phone and get sad seeing that she didn't text me (in May she was doing that frequently so I sort of conditioned myself to that). For a while I struggled with this throughout June but...

 

Anyway, I start a cooking class today! Something productive to do these next couple weeks and continue to self improve

 

... but taking the cooking class has really help me to see there's SO MUCH MORE to life! It was time to pop my fantasy bubble of her, move on and live my life, experience life and grow to become more like the man I've always wanted to become! Setting goals, learning new things and skills, meeting new people, making connections, discipline and drive, determination and guts, taking a chance and GETTING MYSELF OUT THERE!

 

It's all helped to really push me forward and I think I'm pretty much completely over her.

 

I feel great, and it feels great not to let one person's actions (or lack thereof) negatively affect me

[Teknoe]

Quick update:

 

After wishing her happy bday via text in Mid June, I went into no contact mode. 2 weeks later, yesterday, she texted me. Before we went on summer break we talked about sending each other pics of 5 dishes we've cooked. So she sent me dish #2 and also asked me "where are you at bro?" She also asked how cooking classes are going, because before NC I told her I was thinking of taking cooking classes.

 

So I reply of course, and I showed her dish #2 (pizza with my own handmade dough). She said she was very impressed. She also made a comment 'Man, the summer has changed you! Haha'

 

Again, my feelings for her are pretty much gone at this point, so I was able to text with her and NOT feel like it had to go anywhere or progress to a "meeting." I just enjoyed it for what it was, and now back to NC. If she wants to chat, we can, but she'll have to initiate. I can live life just fine with or without her texts. That's not trying to sound mean, but I'm now at a mental stage where it's time for me to hold back and let people come to me if they want an invested relationship/friendship. I'm not going to do all the work this time. And I think this is healthy for this situation in particular considering I had a huge crush on this girl and am now eh, take it or leave it.

 

With a regular purely non platonic and never been anything more than platonic friend, of course I'd reach out because a friendship should be 50/50 give and take.

 

With this girl, it's a little different given the very recent history.

Edited July 4, 2015 by Teknoe

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it's pretty cruel of this girl to have so much non-work communication with you knowing that you have a crush. She likely got a big ego boost from this situation with no concern for your feelings.

[Teknoe]

I think it's pretty cruel of this girl to have so much non-work communication with you knowing that you have a crush. She likely got a big ego boost from this situation with no concern for your feelings.

 

I hear ya. All I know for sure is I can't control how she operates, thinks or feels. All I can control is myself. So if she contacts me, I have to take it at face value and try my best to see it/reply to her as a purely platonic friend. Really, to me right now it's all good. I do enjoy her friendship so I don't mind hearing from her. At least we're just texting. It's not like she's asking me to meet up 1 on 1 just for her ego to be stroked. I can handle texts and take those at face value.

[Teknoe]

Quick update:

 

After wishing her happy bday via text in Mid June, I went into no contact mode. 2 weeks later, yesterday, she texted me. Before we went on summer break we talked about sending each other pics of 5 dishes we've cooked. So she sent me dish #2 and also asked me "where are you at bro?" She also asked how cooking classes are going, because before NC I told her I was thinking of taking cooking classes.

 

So I reply of course, and I showed her dish #2 (pizza with my own handmade dough). She said she was very impressed. She also made a comment 'Man, the summer has changed you! Haha'

 

Again, my feelings for her are pretty much gone at this point, so I was able to text with her and NOT feel like it had to go anywhere or progress to a "meeting." I just enjoyed it for what it was, and now back to NC. If she wants to chat, we can, but she'll have to initiate. I can live life just fine with or without her texts. That's not trying to sound mean, but I'm now at a mental stage where it's time for me to hold back and let people come to me if they want an invested relationship/friendship. I'm not going to do all the work this time. And I think this is healthy for this situation in particular considering I had a huge crush on this girl and am now eh, take it or leave it.

 

With a regular purely non platonic and never been anything more than platonic friend, of course I'd reach out because a friendship should be 50/50 give and take.

 

With this girl, it's a little different given the very recent history.

 

 

It's funny how you can go a while feeling like you've cleared a hurdle, but then it comes crashing back in your face.

 

Recently had 2 dates with a new lady. 1st date thought maybe there's potential. 2nd date, last Friday, was a bit of a dud and I realized I have zero attraction toward her. Then I started comparing her to my crush, and that's when I realized maybe I'm not as over her as I thought I was.

 

Then today I texted her asking for her answer to a group work email I had sent on Friday. She told me in April going to a baseball game as a small work group sounds "totally fun!"

 

Well she got the email Friday but didn't reply and it was now Tuesday. So I texted her and she gives me this "I'll tell you later tonight" wishy washy answer. I already knew it was no, but what kind of frustrated me was why didn't she answer my email earlier? That's pretty messed up to leave a "friend" hanging for 4 days. So it made me feel like crap, and I started hating myself for caring about her again and giving "my power" to her.

 

So earlier tonight she texted me sure enough "Hey sorry I can't make it but thanks for organizing!"

 

It just ticked me off. She was the one who said it was a great idea back in April. Said she might be able to do the Saturday game and then later that night confirmed a hard no with me.

 

I know I shouldn't but her "no's" have broken my spirit a little bit. I also invited her to a group workout and she also rejected that. We were so close just a few months ago. But I guess I'm just a work friend distraction for her. Once we went on break, she cast me aside.

 

Just angry at myself right now for opening my heart to her. I've done it again. Over-invested in someone who was only casually half-invested back in me. I'm not crying but I feel like my soul is crying on the inside.

 

I'll see her back at work next month. Hoping I can mentally put it together and pull back on my contact with her. Keep things strictly professional until I feel like I can talk to her without getting all twisted up inside.

 

Sigh. Thanks for reading my rant.

Edited July 22, 2015 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

FREEDOM

 

I feel I have moved on for good this time. I recently tried to organize a group workout with colleagues, including her, and she once again declined. Which absolutely made me feel bad at first, but then I suddenly felt like I realized something... I no longer like her in that way because why am I pursuing someone who has told me no, and repeatedly does not want to meet up outside of work? Sure she texted me a lot during the school year, and we talked at work ALL the time, but I was just a work friend she used to kill time and make things more interesting instead of the usual mundane.

 

Anyway, I feel so free letting her go!

Best yet, I'm currently talking to a girl on an online dating site that I find myself attracted to... more than any other girl I've spoken with online before. She's talking back to me and it seems like there could be potential there. The other girls I dated online were below average looking I have to be honest, but this girl is easily a 7 or 8 out of 10... definitely out of my league looks-wise so to speak... I don't want to get too excited but so far she seems great. We haven't met up yet, but it feels so good to talk to someone I find attractive who knows I'm interested and is engaging me back. And she might even want to go out with me. It's a huge confidence boost.