xMM absolving themselves of guilt

[AlwaysGrowing]

I guess for myself...one board concentrates on the role of being the OW/OM...the other, the roles of BS/WS.

 

Again....there are WS that wear two hats...WS and OW/OM.

 

It is in the one that they identify more with....that gives posters a glimpse into where they are at.

 

Are they still in the affair role (OW/OM) mindset or that of being a WS?

 

Each of those have two very different goals. I have found that when a WS who is trying to rebuild their SO relationship and is more focused on the affair relationship (the hurt they feel, anger they feel, does my AP still think of me, I miss my AP....ETC)..they rarely succeed at rebuilding their SO relationship.

 

I am not saying you are doing/feeling all of that...they are just examples.

 

 

You are absolutely correct...it is difficult to manage the aftermath of an affair without guidance or knowledge. It also takes a bit of distance to see things with more clarity.

 

FTR...you do seem to be ahead of many WS when it comes to self reflection/assessing yourself. It is probably a life skill you already possess.

[GoldieLox]

I was more or less concerned with posting it in the appropriate section of the site and not having it get moved. Every thread I've read on the infidelity board deals with a BS finding their SO cheating, so I just assumed it would be better placed here. I really didn't put deep thought into it. Now that you've pointed it out, I do absolutely see what you're saying, I'm just also saying, it has nothing to do with what I identify more/less as. As far as I'm concerned, I consider myself to be a former OW. Some may disagree, and that's okay.

 

We are both looking very forward to July. It makes it even more difficult because I worked in the psychology field for a while and have to remember that I cannot be my own counselor, nor can I be our marriage counselor, both roles I have played to other people. I need to step back and let someone else do the job now.

[the_artist_1970]

My life has impeccable timing? Just the other day on a thread about xAPs coming back around, I posted how I've been in 3.5 mo of NC (I should say very, very LC- it's been about 5 minutes a week on work related matters, through extremely gritted teeth on my part). I had no expectations of ever really talking to him again, nor did I think I wanted to, because I knew deep down if I did, I could just walk right up to him at anytime. My birthday was yesterday. I walk out to my car on my break as I always do, and find a note on my windshield. I won't post the exact contents here, but it basically said how sorry he was for hurting me, he knows I hate him, he doesn't expect me to forgive him, he can't even face me to talk to me in person which is why he hasn't approached me, and that he misses me, yadda yadda. To be fair, it wasn't all about him. He talked about what a (supposedly) wonderful person I was too and went on about that for a bit.

 

Here are the major issues I have with the situation. First of all, he now put me on the hook to come and talk to him. He laid it back on me. He couldn't even come to my face, apologize to my face (to be fair, I am pretty rude to him), so now it's my turn to go to him. I'm not going to. I have no desire to actually speak to him, at least not in person. Issue number two, what the hell is his point here? There was no "I hope we can be friends" or anything like that. I do think in his own, F-ed up way he is sincere, but I also think that letter is a way to absolve himself of his own guilt in his part in this whole thing and to make HIMSELF feel better. He can't stand anyone hating him. He can't stand being the bad person.

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, as far as I'm concerned, there's only really two options. Ignore it or respond to it. The general consensus is to respond to it. My husband, whose opinion is really the only one I care about at the end of the day (not that I don't love my friends...) thinks I should sit on it for a few weeks, let my emotions settle, and then decide what to do. He says it's up to me and would support either option, but he sees the daily rage I have at this man. He personally thinks I should write him back and just let him have it and unload on him, and then formally request NC at the end of the letter (it was never actually requested).

 

Has anyone else ever had any experiences like this, where the xMM does something just to make themselves feel better while passing it off as some concern for you? As I said, I do believe a small part of it was sincere, but I believe most of it was this. And also probably trying to smooth things out so it's tolerable to work with me. I'm just at a loss for words and really interested to hear others experiences with this sort of thing. Any thoughts would also be appreciated.

 

I am just curious as to why you are even still engaging with MM in any way? Are you really trying to heal your M? If so, you are throwing a monkey wrench in your rebuilding your M by being in any contact with MM. Is your DH and M important to you? If so, go cold turkey and learn how to be open and honest with your DH.

[GoldieLox]

I am just curious as to why you are even still engaging with MM in any way? Are you really trying to heal your M? If so, you are throwing a monkey wrench in your rebuilding your M by being in any contact with MM. Is your DH and M important to you? If so, go cold turkey and learn how to be open and honest with your DH.

 

I have no choice but to speak to him for the few minutes a week over the phone at work. It's all work related, and believe me, I'd rather not. I will lose my job if I refuse to speak to him. I've been looking for another job that's financially feasible for months.

 

I am open and 100% honest with my husband, trust me. We've had just about every conversation related to this situation you can imagine already.

[wishful-thinking]

I don't care about hurting him, to be honest. That's none of my concern. My issue is, I feel like I've plateaued in my healing. I'm one of those people who always needs to have her say to heal. I never had my say with him.

 

I think not replying to his message will actually be the best RESPONSE Goldie. I think there is no point in replying and then asking for NC. Do the NC- do not reply! Silence here would speak louder then words.

[Dutchman1]

Dear Goldy,

You know the answer why It's hard to admit for a woman you were used, a sidepiece, a #2.

I understand you are hurt, but think you're a great and a strong and now a honnest woman. the way that you are commited to your M is fab and I think you are right to say you're a Fww.

But also in your thread you said, if he would't have ended it, you would still be in the A ? was that the fog?

I do have great respect for you, but even more for your H.

He is a prize, and a winner, cherish that.

I just read Southern Sun's last entry, her exMM is a bit more bold than yours, but it all comes down to the same; he feels so much for you still, and he would be willing to prove it in the Holliday-in for a few hours, "see the Chemistry is still there."

Concentrate on your family, have sessions with your H and talk about all the things that could be better. If it doesn't work, it's a shame and D is the right path, but never again allow your self to become someone;s C bucket.

Stay NC,

I give you two a hugg, and hope your M is getting stronger than ever.

 

 

Dutchman1

[Southern Sun]

To everyone else who posted, after a lot of thought and lack of sleep last night... I've decided to just let it be. I think it was Whichwayisup who alluded to the door analogy... I don't want to open that door again, ever, even if it means not having my say to him. In the end, it doesn't matter. It's not him I'm married to, it's not him I come home to, so who cares if he really knows how I feel or not. I'll just let the sleeping dog lie.

 

I think this is the best course of action.

 

If his intentions are true, then he shouldn't expect you to do anything. He can just offer his apology and there are no expectations in return. There's nothing else to be said.

 

If his intentions are something other than this, than you wouldn't have wanted to give it any attention anyway.

 

Ugh. It's just a shame that it gets us all lathered up.