What I wish I could say to the OM.

[Paenitentiae]

Do you ever wish you could talk to the OM after D-day and NC just to say some things you never got the chance to say?

What do you wish you could say to the OM after all is said and done?

 

The last time the OM and I spoke, he said some very hurtful things to me. This was three weeks after I sent the NC letter and then mistakenly caved in and contacted him again. I was an emotional wreck, my heart was breaking, my head was spinning, and I was sobbing so much the entire time, that I could barely get a word in edgewise. There are so many things I wish I had been able to say to him at that time, but it was difficult to gather my thoughts and form cohesive statements, so instead I ended up sounding like a blabbering fool, pouring my heart out and telling him how much I cared about him, practically begging him to be with me. I think that was the lowest point in my life. I threw out any shred of dignity I had left that day (which was not a lot), I was humiliated, I was heartbroken, and he made sure to crush any little speck of self esteem that might have remained (which again, was minuscule). He made me feel crazy, like maybe I HAD been imagining it or reading into things too much. Maybe I HAD mistaken his words and actions for more. After months of IC, I have been reassured by my therapist that no, I was not crazy, and that yes, he did give me the impression that he cared about me, wanted to be with me, and would break up with his girlfriend for me. My therapist, in fact, believes that he is a very skilled and masterful womanizer and manipulator, that he has had much experience in this, and that he'll do it again in the future. Whether that's true or not, I guess I'll never know.

 

Here are his words and what I WISH I had said to him that day:

 

"Why would I break up with my girlfriend for you? You're so mean and rude to me."

Well, you have been telling me for years how in love with me you are, telling me you can't stop thinking about me, not to mention actually telling me you would break up with her. We have been having a sexual relationship for two years. I have feelings for you, and you've even told me you loved me. You talk about all these things you want to do in the future like visiting each other and spending the weekend together. Just four months ago, you told me you broke up with your girlfriend and then in the same breath, told me how much you missed me and begged me to come visit you and spend the weekend with you. So why would I NOT expect you to break up with your girlfriend and be with me? After all the things you have said and done, all the glimmers of hope you have given me to keep me hanging on, is it really that unreasonable for me to expect you to break up with her and be with me? As if nothing you have ever said or done has given me the impression that you would? Let's be real, you have absolutely given me the impression that you might break up with her for me. I am not crazy to think that after all you have said and done. Any normal person would.

 

And how have I been rude to you? By writing a NC letter and saying that I can't be friends anymore after you have strung me along for two years and have broken my heart over and over. I made it very clear to you that I would break up with my boyfriend for you. I actually DID break up with my boyfriend for you. The ball was in your court the whole time. You had all the power to make a decision to be with me or not. Instead, you sat on the fence, waffling between me and her, keeping us both hanging on. I had NO power to make ANY decision but to leave. I made my decision when I broke up with my boyfriend, but I never had the ability to decide to be with you.

 

"I never ever said I would break up with her."

Again, you have. Many times. Regardless of whether you meant it or not, it meant something to me. You knew I had feelings for you and you knew I wanted to be with you, so if you never intended to break up with her, it was very cruel of you to say you would. I specifically remember one time when I said I didn't want to do this anymore because I thought I would end up getting hurt, to which your immediate response was "I'll break up with her." Not to mention all the other times you would casually say it while telling me how much you loved me and asking me when I was going to break up with my boyfriend. What was I supposed to think?

 

"I just want to forget everything and elope with you. I guess I was just never man enough to give up everything I had."

Then why did you ever pursue me in the first place? Why did you spend a year chasing after me, telling me every day how you were in love with me, how I was your dream girl, how you couldn't stop thinking about me, how you were obsessed with me? What did you think was gonna happen? What was your endgame? Was it all just fun and games to you? Did you ever mean a word you said?

And how can you sit here saying this, and in the same breath tell me that we can't be together, that you never said you'd break up with her? This. This right here is why I had hope that you would break up with her and be with me. Because you say stuff like this and keep me hanging on. Of course now I'm gonna try to convince you to be with me because you're telling me you want to run away with me. You're making it seem like you're standing on the fence and only need a little convincing to actually take the jump and finally be with me. What am I supposed to think?

 

"I wish we could, one last time to say our goodbyes. I would really like that"... "How is it cheating? We are 8 hours apart and can't be together. We both need each other. I don't see the issue."

Really?! Really?! After I pour my heart out and beg you to finally be with me, you ask me me to visit you and have sex with you "one last time"?! I don't even know how to respond to this. Of all the sleezeball things anyone could ever say.

 

"I always still think about you. This sucks"

Again, really? Am I not now supposed to try to convince you that we should really be together. Do you not think you are giving me more hope? What kind of impression do you think you're giving me?

 

"I can't get over how you've treated me. It's totally turned me away from you."

How I'VE treated YOU? By being there for you for over two years anytime you wanted to talk, or have sex, or wanted me to get you off? By writing a NC letter bc I can't keep hanging on and allowing myself to do this? Because the only way I'll ever get over you is to cut you out of my life forever? Don't you think I have wanted to say the same thing to you so many times over the years? Every time you broke my heart by telling me how much you cared about me one day and then going back to your girlfriend the next? Do you know how many times I've told myself that I shouldn't care about you after the way you've treated me? Don't you understand how I WISH all the times you had broken my heart could have just totally turned me away from you and turned off my feelings like a switch? I wish I could stop caring about you so easily. But I can't because you actually meant something to me.

 

"You're randomly telling me to break up with my girlfriend when YOU decide"

Randomly?! I have been asking you to break up with her and be with me throughout our sexual relationship of the past two years. And I'm not TELLING you to break up with your girlfriend, I'm ASKING you, practically begging you to,for the hundredth time. How low do you think that makes me feel? And when I decide? I made it clear to you a long time ago that I would break up with my boyfriend to be with you, and I gave you plenty of time to decide what you wanted. You never made a decision. Apparently, you just wanted to have your cake and eat it too. So I'm making the decision right now to walk away, because I CANNOT do this anymore. What other option do I have?

 

"I wasn't using you and I do care for you."

Please explain to me how you WEREN'T using me. You were having sex with me while still with your girlfriend. You knew I had feelings for you and wanted to be with you. You continued to plead with me not to break this off each time I said I didn't want to do it anymore. But you didn't want to break up with your girlfriend either. You wanted to stay with her, but continue having sex with me on the side. I'm pretty sure that's the exact definition of using somebody.

 

"Here you are messing with my feelings after you told me not to talk to you anymore"

Messing with YOUR feelings?!?Hahahahahaha, I can't even respond to this. Read the above and then imagine that going on for over two years and please tell me again how that wasn't messing with MY feelings.

 

 

Whew! That felt good to get off my chest even if it will never reach his ears. I can't believe how dumb I was to keep hanging on for so long. I guess he was right in one respect, that I should never have expected him to break up with his girlfriend. I should have seen the red flags, read the writing on the wall, run far far away from him before we even became friends. Oh well, I was very naive back then. You live, and you learn from your mistakes, and all I can do now is move on.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Paenitentiae

[sunburned]

Well said, OP! I know how you feel. I'm sorry you learned the hard way that once you say NC, it's best to say NC. I had a bit of this myself. Demanded NC, then responded to some LC only to have him yank the rug out from under me. If you're not in contact, he can't hurt you. What a revisionist azzhat you've got there!

 

Reads to me like you've got it under control. Just don't send it to him in letter/email form. Keep moving on!

[Paenitentiae]

Sunburned, don't worry, I won't be sending him anything or contacting him in any way for as long as I live. The time I spent with him was the lowest point of my life, and I never want to go back there. Writing this was just my own form of therapy. He said some things to me that just blew my mind. I wanted to say to him "Do you actually hear yourself right now?!" Sometimes I really wonder if he even remembers what went on in our relationship bc my memory of what happened and his memory of what happened are vastly different. I wonder if he was just saying those things to screw with my head and make me think I was the crazy one. Or maybe he just got me confused with one of the other girls he was dicking around at the time.

[GirlStillStrong]

He was gas lighting you.

[norudder]

You can't tell me we are working toward the same thing but also move on. One is toward each other one is away. That is the definition of a mind**** and you know it. It takes advantage of my feelings for you, absolves you of action and maintains your image no matter the outcome. Dont insult my intelligence. There will always be an excuse. I know you arent going to tell your wife or ever initiate a divorce. You let women make the decisions. There is no starting from scratch. We have a history. Our history is that you told me you love the woman you are married to. You used me to feel better about her not loving you. I let you and thats on me. I will not let you use me again. You didnt value me enough to be with me honestly but still tried to string me along and get sex. Thats a jerk i wouldnt want to give a second chance to anyway. Despite the shallow words and superficial acts of kindness, you treated me like ****. Polyamory is fine if you are honest about it.* Your marriage is a sham and i refuse to be the next best thing. Your love for me was about you. I want an apology and my dignity back.

 

You arent just staying for the kids.* WHILE we were together, WHILE you said you loved me, you said she was still interesting to you, your better half and you wouldn't be with her if you didn't love her. So WHY were you cheating on her? What was I to you if not just a Fbuddy and side therapist? Now that you have a therapist and I'm not sleeping with you, nothing left in it for you right?*Im supposed to feel special that you'll "cherish our memories" while you spend your life with another woman? If you don't love me "enough" now you never will.* If your love was so strong you wouldve been making plans with me. I was supposed to realize it was just a fling for you wasnt I? I am so angry at myself for truly loving you as much as I did. I don't want to be with you knowing how little you loved me. How could I create anything new with you knowing that's all I was to you. You did not let me down easy. You let me down hard and I worked my way out of misery all on my own no thanks to you. You are not the lyrical emotional knight in shining armor. I am doing just fine and don't need any rescuing from an ass in tin foil.

 

The reason that girl from your past wouldnt talk to you is because you remind her of a version of herself that she is now disgusted with. I did the sexual things I did with you because I loved you and thought I was safe. Now it makes me sick who I let myself become with someone who only loves themselves. You do not get to walk away with everything looking like the good guy. You are NOT a good guy. Not to me.

 

We aren't star crossed lovers we are adults making decisions and you did NOT choose me. You chose to lead two women on. You are incredibly selfish and cowardly and you broke my heart. If that is how you treat women you love then I am blessed to not be with you. I will give my love to a better man than you.

Edited May 31, 2015 by norudder

[Paenitentiae]

Your love for me was about you. I want an apology and my dignity back. ... I am so angry at myself for truly loving you as much as I did. I don't want to be with you knowing how little you loved me. How could I create anything new with you knowing that's all I was to you. ... I did the sexual things I did with you because I loved you and thought I was safe. Now it makes me sick who I let myself become with someone who only loves themselves. You do not get to walk away with everything looking like the good guy. You are NOT a good guy. Not to me. ... You chose to lead two women on. You are incredibly selfish and cowardly and you broke my heart. If that is how you treat women you love then I am blessed to not be with you. I will give my love to a better man than you.

 

 

Could not have said it better myself.