How to deal with this mess, suggestions?

[Grapesofwrath]

your child is three? And goes to a registered academic school ? All day?

poor kid. Then to have lost his mom...Would you say that makes you a good role model?

 

Tayla: I'm not sure what your point is here, particularly in regards to the OP's question. Unfortunately, it reads as a cruel and mean-spirited attack on a vulnerable person who is confused about a painful situation in his life.

 

Many small children attend day care during the day so that their parents can work to support the family. Many parents refer to the day care as "school." Given that the OP has lost his wife, it seems logical that he is the only breadwinner in the family, and therefore his child attends day care.

 

How is any of that relevant to his original question?

[whichwayisup]

I became the other guy about 5 weeks ago. Started off as an emotional affair but very quickly turned physical. The sexual tension was way too strong to ignor, never felt like that before. It was all new an exciting. But we got greedy, her husband found out, wanted t kill me for 2 days, third day he cooled down and we actually met and talked about this man to man. H says I'm not to see or talk to her every agian. But I can't avoid her, she is my sons teacher, I see her everyday. I tried to let her go but seeing her everyday is making that even more difficult. She's back and forth on weather to leve her husband or not, this has caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster. One minute she's mine next she's not sure. Today she called to me to say its over, she doesn't want it to be but has to be this way. But even now she's still texting me saying how she loves me and wants to be with me again. I didn't respond, yet. I want to let her go but really really don't want to. She makes me feel so good and happy.

I was married but my wife past away from cancer in 2012, I'm left alone to raise our now 3 yr old son. My life is already so difficult, I don't need this stress. But ..... I don't know what to do, or how to deal with the consequences of whatever choice is eventually made.

 

She was never 'yours' to begin with.

 

She's lucky she hasn't lost her job or had your son transferred to another class, though that could still happen. And you're lucky her husband didn't beat the crap out of you!!

 

She isn't going to leave her husband. Best thing you can do is find another school next year for your child and forget her. If you stay, you'll continue to get hurt and be on that roller coaster ride.

[whichwayisup]

GolieLox. Thanks for your reply.

 

I have been respecting her husbands wishes, I don't respond to the texts but they keep coming. This is much easier said than done. I love her. I've been without an emotional connection for years now, I'm starving. Plus she's hot, I cannot believe she fell for me. What makes me like her even more is that she developed this crush on me when I was at my lowest, I was completely depressed, not shaving or cutting my hair, not dressing to impress anyone. This tells me she sees something in me that maybe many others don't. I can be weak when it comes to thopposite sex. How to I cool myself when a hot woman wants to get in my pants and she keeps telling me.

 

She knew that you had lost your wife and was vulnerable, used that to her advantage. For a married teacher to get involved (affair) with one of her students parents is stupid and she is/was risking her professional reputation and career. Imagine if other parents find out, let alone other teachers and her employers.

 

Bolded - You say no because of the circumstances.

 

You join a widow's group or ask friends to set you up, join a dating site, or just meet new people by doing a sport or a hobby that you love.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Mb250]

Well I woke up this morning and as usual she's the first thing on my mind, I couldn't hold back my tears, I feel so bad. But am seeing things a little more clearly today. This is over for good now. I'm gonna just let the pain burn till its gone. I won't be easy but there's no other way. I feel so disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. I will never knowing get involved with a married woman ever agin, life lesson learnt. Thank you everyone, expect Tayla lol.

[Babs22]

MB250, Don't let some of the replies on here get to you. You are obviously a great role model as a dad. Your son lost his mom and you, your wife, when your child was very young. You have shown great strength in raising your son alone and providing a caring, loving home for him. You have put your needs on hold while doing this. For others to judge you for putting your child in daycare in order to provide for him, shows a lack of empathy and understanding for what you have been through. I doubt that some would have had the courage to walk in your shoes. I suppose I am equally a bad role model because my children went to a babysitter from the time they were 3 months old so I could work part time and my husband could work full time.

 

As far as having the A with a MW, I do not judge, nor can I judge. If only I were that perfect. I can tell you have feelings for her as she most likely does for you. Are those feelings of infatuation due to intense physical attraction? Possibly that is all they are. Is it probably time for it to end? As you have noted in a previous post, you have come to that conclusion as well. I said this in my previous post, that maybe this A was exactly what you needed, a wake up call, so that you could pull yourself out of your depression and realize that your heart is still alive. You can and will find love again, you know that now. A happy dad is the best thing you can give your boy right now. Please take time for you.

Edited May 31, 2015 by Babs22

[GirlStillStrong]

Meeting someone new that you are attracted to and starting a new relationship with them is exciting. It makes your heart go pitter-patter and floods your brain and body with LOADS of feel-good chemicals, neurotransmitters, hormones, etc. You feel happy and even high at times. Having sex just increases it, and also bonds the two of you together. You want to be with that person night and day and cannot see yourself letting go. The average time for these chemicals to wear off in a new relationship is 18 to 24 months, if my memory serves me right. Continuing to have sex and all of that romantic stuff can prolong those feelings. Responsibilities, children, maintaining a house, work obligations, and stress of daily life all work to kill those feel-good chemicals.

 

So, where she is with her husband is likely in that place where all of those things have worn off. With you, it's just begun. It's confusing to be in that position because it's damn near impossible, especially if they have children, for her to reach that feel-good position with her husband again. But you were easy, the attraction was there, and now the sex between you two has put you both over the edge. If you continue having sex with her, the two of you will be in a free-fall.

 

Here's what I did when I was in your position with a MM. I stopped having sex with him. I told him I cannot have sex with someone who is with another woman, no matter the reasons why he is "still" with her. He insisted I continue to see him, as friends, and I have left it at that. Eventually all those feel-good chemicals faded and the truth of the matter, the person he really is, was revealed. It has been two and a half years since we hooked up and still he remains with her. It's not my problem because I REFUSE to be romantically or sexually involved with someone who cannot be monogamous. Having multiple sex partners, or having sex with someone who has multiple sex partners, is just too risky. Call me paranoid but I know too much about Human Papilloma Virus and other STDs to screw around like that. It's fortunate I'm that way though because it caused me to be able to take that gigantic step back, out of the passion and obsession of the affair, and afforded me the time and space to see things as they really are.

 

I doubt anyone here, those of us who have been through it and or are going through it now, is going to recommend that you pursue a married woman, no matter what she says or does. Life brings us challenges, as you very well know. Where our character is revealed is in those spaces and situations that cause us to suffer. When confronted with a choice between healthy behavior and risky behavior, which will you choose? There are SO MANY single women who are available and searching for a good guy like you, one who takes care of his child, that you almost have a WORLD of women to choose from.

 

I think that you are attracted to her because she is a teacher and likely a kind hearted person, good with children, and someone your child probably likes already. I'm sure you already see distinct possibilities for a happy future with her. But the reality is, that future with her is most likely not going to happen. What IS likely is a future of indecision, unmet wants and needs, frustration, angst, and more pain of loss for you. What I recommend is you taking a giant step backwards, find a therapist, and start working on identifying the things you want for your and your child's future, and the qualities you are looking for in a future mate or spouse. Once you have listed those things for yourself, they will begin to become more concrete in your mind and just the fact that you have become conscious of them will draw the right woman to you. I can safely assure you that THIS woman, the teacher, is NOT her. Even if she left her husband for you, you will have tremendous trust issues. She is a VERY confused woman IMO, and you will do best for yourself and your child to leave her where you found her.

 

Be strong. Have a plan for your life. KNOW what you will accept and will not accept from others. You are worth much, MUCH more than to be someone's affair partner.

[Josmatjes]

I want to say this gently because I do not mean to offend you but it's actually not normal to become romantically attracted to people who are low, depressed and poorly groomed. The fact that she came after you when you were at your lowest indicates something unflattering about her. I'm not sure what was going on here but something in wrong with this. Perhaps she wanted a big ego boost and knew that you would be hugely impressed by her and eager to give her praise and attention. Perhaps she was looking for an affair and she sensed your sadness and loneliness and she knew you wouldn't reject her even though she was a married woman.

 

 

Or maybe she has self esteem issues. I hate to admit this now but when I was younger and struggling with feelings of low self-worth I usually got with the guys who I saw as being even more worthless than I saw myself. That makes me feel horrible to say but it's the truth. I would be aloof towards attractive successful men and if they came on to me I would reject them because deep down I didn't feel good enough for them. I figured they would get rid of me once they knew who I really was.

 

 

She may have developed real feeling for you but now she is being selfish and playing games with you. Telling you that it's over but then continuing to contact you to tell you her feelings is a cruel thing for her to do. She is staying with her husband but trying to stop you from moving on. Selfish.

 

He didn't say he was disgusting. He just said he wasn't like polished looking. And maybe she saw something in him besides the physical! I mean how shallow can you be.?

[RoseVille]

I want to say this gently because I do not mean to offend you but it's actually not normal to become romantically attracted to people who are low, depressed and poorly groomed.

 

Or, maybe his lowest is still pretty high to others?

 

As he's described himself, he'd be just my type - I love an unshaved man who doesn't dress to impress people.

 

I mean, I've been at my physical lowest and had plenty of men still attracted to me.

[Mb250]

Thank you josmatjes and Roseville, I didn't respond to that person msg, she pointed out she has her own issues, that make her see things differently. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Well I woke up this morning and as usual she's the first thing on my mind, I couldn't hold back my tears, I feel so bad. But am seeing things a little more clearly today. This is over for good now. I'm gonna just let the pain burn till its gone. I won't be easy but there's no other way. I feel so disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. I will never knowing get involved with a married woman ever agin, life lesson learnt. Thank you everyone, expect Tayla lol.

 

Good that the A is over for real. Let yourself feel the pain, grieve the loss and join a gym, this will tire you after a good work out so you can sleep at night. Love your kid, focus on him, your friends and keep busy. Mentioned this before, but maybe time to look at other schools for the future? Your son is young, pre school/day care age right? Hopefully he won't have the same teacher next year if you choose to keep him at that one.

[Mb250]

Well today was the first day I had to see her, at school, sine the break up. As always shes looking out for my car acting is if nothing happened. Maybe that's her way of dealing with it but now I'm starting to not like her at all, she has no regard for my feelings.

[sandylee1]

Well I woke up this morning and as usual she's the first thing on my mind, I couldn't hold back my tears, I feel so bad. But am seeing things a little more clearly today. This is over for good now. I'm gonna just let the pain burn till its gone. I won't be easy but there's no other way. I feel so disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. I will never knowing get involved with a married woman ever agin, life lesson learnt. Thank you everyone, expect Tayla lol.

 

Glad you've seen the right way.

 

You can do this and actually you deserve a woman you don't have to sneak around with. Wouldn't it be nice to have dinner with a GF and your son. You can't do that with a MW.

 

You'll be fine. It just takes time and if you didn't have to see her at all, you'd heal quicker.

[Mb250]

OH my god, I can't stop myself. I know I said its ovr, I tried staying away and not even look at her. The connection we have is way too strong to ignor. Against everyone's advice I'm going to ride this out to its natural end. It's very rare in life to meet someone that touches you so deeply, we have one life, live it. Experience everything that comes your way, do what you pr heart tells you.

[MuddyRock]

It's not your heart it endorphines. Do what your head says. Protect your son from losing his dad too and stay away. If he thought he wanted to kill you before imagine now.

Send him to a different school he is 3 years old he will adjust. Just what you need someone who will cheat on her husband and stay with him. Her husband knows yet she doesn't leave him but still cheats. Nice lady.

[lemondrop21]

Someone said "5 months is quick" - the poster actually said 5 WEEKS, not 5 months. So this is all very quick.

 

I'm in a similar situation, where things escalated very very quickly, and although there has been no D-Day, he's come to the conclusion that he can't leave his kids.

 

It is painful, but I'm trying to think of it as a blessing that it's ending so quickly (for me, after two months). If your experience has been anything like mine, along with the highs, you've also experienced incredible lows. Think about how much worse this would be if you continued along and then it ended in 6 months... or 1 year.. or 10 years, like some people on this board.

 

Best of luck in working through your pain, and I agree with everyone on here that as hard as it is, responding to her texts as little as possible is the right thing to do. Since her husband asked you to stay away from her, that's all you need to say - "I am respecting your husband's wishes." She's made her choice and that's all there is to it. If she does end up separating from him, she will find you and let you know.

[GoldieLox]

"Ride it out til it's natural end"?

 

Well OP you aren't going to have a "natural end", because if her husband finds out you're still banging his wife after he explicitly told you to stay away from her, he will seriously hurt you or kill you. As another poster said up there, put your kid in another school for his own sake. He already lost his mother, you're all he has left now. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about him.

[Babs22]

OP, Can't you tell her that you cannot be with her unless she leaves her H? Tell her you will wait, but I would not get involved with her unless she is divorced. You will get your heart (and possibly your neck) broken if you do this any other way. If she is not getting a divorce, she will eventually dump you for H. If she is serious about you, then she would do the right thing and go file for divorce especially since her H already knows she cheated. This is the time for her to step up to the plate. If she doesn't do it now, she never will.

[anika99]

He didn't say he was disgusting. He just said he wasn't like polished looking. And maybe she saw something in him besides the physical! I mean how shallow can you be.?

 

Oh please. Are you being deliberately obtuse? I wasn't talking about his appearance only. The OP said he was at his lowest and completely depressed. I stand by my assertion that people need to be wary of those who try to insert themselves into our lives when we are at our lowest as their intentions may not be honorable or good.

[Popsicle]

Please, for your own good, find a single woman.

 

This bears repeating.

 

you could have so much more with a single girl.

[anika99]

Or, maybe his lowest is still pretty high to others?

 

As he's described himself, he'd be just my type - I love an unshaved man who doesn't dress to impress people.

 

I mean, I've been at my physical lowest and had plenty of men still attracted to me.

 

 

There is a huge difference between a person not shaving or dressing down because that's the look they are going for and not shaving or getting haircuts because the person is too low and too depressed to even care. The OP said he was at his lowest and completely depressed. Is that just your type?

 

 

I wasn't just talking about physical appearance I was talking about the overall mental state of the OP.

[Poppy47]

As a professional, heading an educational institution, I would be more than a little perturbed if one of my staff preyed upon a vulnerable parent.

 

This woman is in a position of trust and responsibility. She is being unprofessional to say the least. She is risking her job and reputation, not to mention what it might do to yours and your son, if you are discovered.

 

You ARE vulnerable and in a state of upheaval and uncertainty. It will take you maybe several years to settle down again after your wife's death.

 

Try some of the suggestions which have been made to you... support groups, singles groups. Strive to be the best you can for your little boy. He loves you unconditionally at the moment but he will grow.

 

Best Wishes,

Poppy