Desperately Seeking :-(

[MissJacki]

To be honest I'm not sure where to start. I'm a young 44 and he's 37. We meet three ago, he was a boarder. Not into 'sleeping with the crew' but there was an attraction. We decided to date, for which we did for three months without sexual involvement (hard when living together) because I had 2 children, 7 and 15. I was halfway thru a degree for which I was doing extremely well. Short background, it came out he was an ex crystal method user that had moved cities to escape this addiction. He has not returned to meth but suffers other addictions, likes to drink a bit and smokes pot occasional. I had a very abusive childhood which lead to many years of running from demons, 'keeping busy' but no addiction problems. Seeked counseling in recent years, still bend, but not broken. My parents have passed away, I am an only child.

So what's happened...the years have passed and we have a 15 month old little girl (I heart what your saying but she's here) And boy what a rollercoaster! In short, my partner has never been able to express emotions, becomes angry when emotionally confronted and shuts down (sometimes even drives off for the night, sleeps in his car). I in turn suffer hugely emotionally because it brings up demons from my childhood, it brings me immense pain. We don't talk for a couple days, both of us are depressed and then somehow it gets resolved. This happens several times a month :-( I have been sick off and on for couple years now, feel very burnt out and exhausted. He is not physically violent, holds down a job, works hard, is the most amazing father to his daughter you will a EVER see (can't explain how amazing), but struggles with emotions and also servings biggest thing, we can't JUST TALK. Like sit and just talk. He says is because I shut hun down so he can't be bothered, however he only seems excited when he's talking about stuff that is involved around his ex meth life and people like that. I'm not interested in that at all, I find it disgusting some of the stories. In addition, we don't have goals/plans for the future. I talk about stuff and he's like sounds great, but that's it. Nothing comes off stuff unless I'm pushing and doing all the work. We have done a couple counseling sessions but soon give up because we don't relate to counselor. I know he adores me and he feels SO MUCH but unless you know what's it's like to be with someone who can't express emotions and can't just talk, you don't know how horrible it feels :-( I'm just plain exhausted, please help.

[MissJacki]

Anyone? ?......

[Methodical]

Short background, it came out he was an ex crystal method user that had moved cities to escape this addiction. He has not returned to meth but suffers other addictions, likes to drink a bit and smokes pot occasional. I had a very abusive childhood which lead to many years of running from demons, 'keeping busy' but no addiction problems. Seeked counseling in recent years, still bend, but not broken.

 

So what's happened...the years have passed and we have a 15 month old little girl And boy what a rollercoaster! In short, my partner has never been able to express emotions, becomes angry when emotionally confronted and shuts down (sometimes even drives off for the night, sleeps in his car). I in turn suffer hugely emotionally because it brings up demons from my childhood, it brings me immense pain. We don't talk for a couple days, both of us are depressed and then somehow it gets resolved.

 

however he only seems excited when he's talking about stuff that is involved around his ex meth life and people like that. I'm not interested in that at all, I find it disgusting some of the stories. In addition, we don't have goals/plans for the future.

 

I know he adores me and he feels SO MUCH but unless you know what's it's like to be with someone who can't express emotions and can't just talk, you don't know how horrible it feels :-( I'm just plain exhausted, please help.

 

I've stripped this down to focus on a few points of interest. You've discovered he is an ex crystal method user who moved to another cities to escape his addiction, yet he only seems excited when he's talking about that lifestyle, plus he has other addictions - alcohol and weed. Bottom Line: He is an addict. The only thing that excites him is talking about his past meth use, which tells me he misses it. Given that he succumbs to other addictions, the probability that he will return to meth use is pretty high. (I hope not, but the odds aren't in his favor.)

 

You have a baby together and he gets upset and drives off and sleeps in his car. Hm...not a mature response. What if something happened to the child during the night while he is pulling one of these stunts? In turn, this causes you emotional distress, which isn't healthy for you or your child. This relationship is toxic, aside from the addiction issues.

 

Typically when people adore one another, they treat each other with respect. Also, they are capable of having an adult conversation without running out the door and sleeping in their car all night like a teenager who didn't get his way.

 

Is this the life you want to live? Is this an environment you want your children in? You speak of an abusive childhood that left you running from demons, being bent but not broken. Are you wanting to see how far you can bend before snapping? Do you enjoy horrific triggers from your childhood brought on by a man with addictions? No doubt he does these things around the children. Unless you want your children to develop the same type of scars you have, LEAVE. Get away from this man before he destroys not only himself, but also you and your children.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well..you picked a guy with a lot of issues, probably gravitating towards him because you have issues yourself...if you were a more healthy person, and resolved some of those past issues, chances are likely you wouldn't have the desire to get involved with this guy and would've pulled out right away once you realized he had some major issues.

 

But you made choices not to do that, and furthermore to have a 15 month old baby...

 

I mean what can you say? you dug your own grave, you made decisions that lead you here, even with your experience in the past and already having kids...you just failed yourself in the end.

 

He doesn't sound like the most horrible guy in the world, at least he's being a good father and working, however I realize this makes you feel emotionally in need...but again, you picked the guy, he just didn't magically appear like this overnight...so why did you do it? I can't imagine loving a person who doesn't express their feelings, so you tell me.

 

I don't see what there is to do here but to leave the relationship...he's clearly not up to your expectations or needs in terms of emotions, every woman wants to change and tweak their men to be what they want them to be, but this guy is the way he is, you're either going to deal with it or walk away at some point.