How to forget about trauma?

[Torii]

Hi everybody,

 

How can I forget about the abuse that happened over 4 years ago?.. I've tried a lot of therapeutic remedies and I'm still dealing with the memories.

 

I won't go into much detail about what happened, but I've been told by friends that I could have developed PTSD if I'm still struggling this long after those situations.

[MissJacki]

Being a person who has been in your situation, all I can say is it sounds like you may have PTSD. Therapy for that equals = A good counselor you can relate to, a good understanding support network, being kind to yourself and time. I know it's not much but simply that's the recipe for success. I wish you the best for the future, you don't have to suffer any longer. Cyber hugs.xo

[Methodical]

When traumatic events happen, we never truly forget them, but with the help of counselors, family, and friends, we can develop skills to help us deal with the problem rather than shutting down and becoming dysfunctional and helpless.

 

Some of the above may not be relevant depending on the nature of the abuse and I don't want to pry. I understand for the sake of anonymity and your personal well being why you are inclined to omit the details; however, someone may be able to offer more pertinent information if you could briefly state the nature of abuse so that we have a general where to start...

 

spousal abuse, child abuse, emotional (a given due to what you have stated) and possibly physical abuse. There are so many angles to look at and w/o some basic information, trying to steer you in a meaningful direction is difficult. Don't give any information you are uncomfortable sharing, you certainly don't need to bare your heart and soul, but a general idea would be helpful.

[Torii]

Hi Methodical,

 

If I had to label I'd say it was emotional (psychological) abuse that involved death threats to oneself.

[Methodical]

Has the threat been removed?

[Torii]

Of course. Hasn't occurred for over 4 years like I said. It's the situations that happened and memories associated that are still affecting me, even after the person and threat were removed.

 

Sometimes, after a certain trigger or memory, I feel as though no time has passed and I'm back where I was over 4 years ago. I'm not sure what this is, all I know is I get extremely anxious and horrified of all the feelings that surround me during this time..

[Methodical]

This will be abstract for illustration purposes...though it is a true event, happened to a friend of mine.

 

Her husband snapped, don't really know why, but he went off the deep end. One day they walked into the bank to cash her check, and he pulled out a gun, held it to her head, and of course threatened to kill her. You can imagine how the clients in the bank reacted - fear of being robbed, killed, etc., but he wasn't threatening nobody but his wife. He wasn't trying to rob the bank, just threatening her life. He was apprehended and is in jail, and she is divorced from him and has since remarried.

 

In the interim, she couldn't set foot into a bank for a long time without having a panic attack, not a little panic attack, I'm talking major, debilitating issues. It was so bad, that when she needed to open a new account, the bank manager met her in a neutral location to do the necessary paperwork. Of course, they had up close and personal knowledge of what had happened. As far as regular banking goes, she finally got to where she would go through the drive thru with the car doors locked, and she constantly scanned the mirrors while waiting for the transaction to finish.

 

Restaurants were also an impossibility for a long time because people are constantly bustling back and forth, occasionally stepping to the side to allow another person to pass by and that caused a great deal of stress. Why? Because anyone that approached or made any form of contact, innocent as it was, sent her into a tailspin. Shopping, same thing. She literally couldn't stand being in a place where there was a possibility of anyone unknowingly approaching her.

 

The "threat," her husband, was in jail, yet the stress of being approached or people even getting close to her became a threat because of the uncertainty and possibility of "what could happen."

 

Things she did to overcome her paranoia: professional counseling, a good therapist, mind you. One who went the extra mile to be available via phone at even the most odd hours. (IMO, she was fortunate to have found this particular counselor bc she took a special interest and made herself available "after hours.")

 

Also, we enrolled her in self-defense classes, which took a lot of courage bc altho you are taught how to protect yourself, you have to be approached from a threatening standpoint to learn. The girls got balls now. She worked diligently to overcome freaking out when she sensed someone approaching her, but after months of training religiously, I wouldn't want to be the person who grabbed her unknowingly because for a rather small woman, she can kick a$$. I've seen her toss a couple people to the ground who grabbed her arm, innocently, but to her it was a threat.

 

People who know her well, know better than to encroach from a standpoint that could be misconstrued as a threatening position. Point being, the average person wasn't a threat, but their approach was a trigger and the way she overcame that trigger was by arming herself with knowledge and skills to take down an impending threat. Mentally, she felt stronger and safer, and as she became more comfortable with her ability to eliminate or remove herself from what felt like a threatening situation, she began to relax and not jump to gross assumptions because someone bumped into her. She armed herself physically and psychologically to deal with her fear.

 

I don't know if you'll be able to apply any of this to your situation and find ways to cope and learn to deal with and take control of trigger situations in a manner that makes you feel safe, but it's worth putting it out there if it may help even the slightest bit.

[Torii]

Wow, Methodical. That woman has a lot of strength, and I can relate to her situation a lot. I may not have been held at gun point, but I guess you can say the affect is the same as how your friend was feeling all that time. To be honest, I was terrified for my life - and even though we never got into a physical fight - the fear, alone, of potentially seeing the person I loved (at the time) dead by suicide is enough to drive anybody into the nut house. Sometimes, the threats were so real - so terrifying, that I physically had to wrestle knives and razor blades away from them.

 

I'm not sure what causes my feelings of fear even when I know the threat was removed. Sometimes when I go into an episode, I apparently chant: "I don't want to be the reason somebody dies!".. Even though suicide never happened, it's the tricks that were played on my mind constantly that are stuck with me.

[Methodical]

This person you loved dearly threatened self harm....suicide....and blamed you as the cause?

 

You physically wrestled knives and razors away from them. If you don't mind answering, how close did they come to actually committing the act? (There is relevance.)

 

No cut, but aggressive talk while holding an object - possibly creasing their skin?

Piercing their skin superficially where a bandage was needed but no actually medical care such as stitches?

Actually cutting to the point of having to call an ambulance to rescue them?

 

And yes, my friend is resilient and I'm proud of her! She's taken control of her life. Granted, she had a good support system, but ultimately it was up to her to grab the bull by the horns and conquer her fears.

[Torii]

It was more-so aggressive talk, with the occasional threat of suicide. The threats were like an everyday occurrence for me. Even to the point of skipping classes when I was in high school to make sure the person was alive after telling me they were.. - you know. No high schooler should have to go through that, and I'm still struggling to understand.

 

I remember the look on their face after I got there, a look of innocent like they've done nothing wrong. Even tried to hug me after I collapsed because of the anxiety I felt, potentially finding them dead. I felt crazy, I really did.

[Methodical]

Whoever did this is a sociopath who intentionally manipulated you for selfish reasons - to see where they ranked in your life or because they are a sick individual who gets off on being the center of attention without regard for the mental anguish they caused. They are a drama king/queen.

 

For all I know, I'm bashing a family member. Why? Because they deserve being called out for what they are and what they did. My intent is not to hurt you, but to make you see that it was never their intent to really harm themselves bc people who want to do so don't cry wolf, they do it. This person strung you along, pull on your heartstrings, manipulated you, and frankly, they aren't worthy of your love. (I can say that bc my mother turned out to be "what she is," for the sake of anonymity, and we have no contact. It took a long time to digest everything, but I have moved on and am a better person for it.) I don't need or want a person like that, of kin or not, in my life.

 

How to deal with that...seek counseling. So long as you live in fear and allow mental anguish to control you, the manipulator still wins even though they have been removed. You still desperately love this person despite what s/he did to you, I suspect, which is why you are having a hard time putting this behind you. Would you do what was done to you to a loved one? NO! So that tells me their love was selfish. If possible, I'd cut all ties with this person...(bc I did.)

 

p.s. you can't understand the mind of a sociopath.

Edited May 31, 2015 by Methodical

[Torii]

I'll never know the actual intent of that person, and I'm completely fine with knowing this. After all that happened, I want absolutely nothing to do with them - and after 4 years of struggling, I'm still telling myself that it's okay to feel this way.

 

That abuse occurred in my very first relationship, so it's left me with an abnormal view: that I have to expect abuse to happen regardless of what gentle behavior I'm shown by another person. To be honest, I struggle with this view so much more now since I began dating my current partner. He's shown me what a real relationship is, shown me the support I've never had and for some reason I still can't grasp what this means, what it's suppose to symbol, even though we've been together for over 2 years now. He deeply cares about me, says that love isn't about causing harm; it's about creating a safe environment with each other on equal grounds of commitment. Why do I have such a difficult time understanding this?

[Methodical]

I'm guessing your past Bf was your first true love and you never imagined someone could be so selfish, but after dealing with this pattern of behavior, you came to "accept" it, to a degree. First loves are hard, if not impossible, to forget. The thing is, that wasn't LOVE! Sounds like you've got an understanding guy who is an awesome support system. Learn to let him in...you're probably a bit guarded, even after dating him for 2 years because of your past experience. Not all men all a$$hats.

[Torii]

He's been a really great support. Even stayed beside me for a year before we mentioned anything about being in love, so I'm happy that he's here to help me along my journey. He knew about my past experience, and took the time to really try to understand where I was coming from. Not many men are like this and even though I'm still afraid to really be myself around him, I know I'll overcome my past eventually and he'll be patiently waiting for that day beside me.

 

I want to thank you as well, Methodical. You took the time to respond, when nobody else bothered with this post.

 

I know I need some professional help and I'm not afraid to admit this to myself anymore. Everybody needs help sometimes in their life.

[Methodical]

He's been a really great support. Even stayed beside me for a year before we mentioned anything about being in love, so I'm happy that he's here to help me along my journey. He knew about my past experience, and took the time to really try to understand where I was coming from. Not many men are like this and even though I'm still afraid to really be myself around him, I know I'll overcome my past eventually and he'll be patiently waiting for that day beside me.

 

I want to thank you as well, Methodical. You took the time to respond, when nobody else bothered with this post.

 

I know I need some professional help and I'm not afraid to admit this to myself anymore. Everybody needs help sometimes in their life.

 

You're welcome! Yes, admitting the need for counseling is the response of a mature, level-headed, strong woman and everyone needs help from time to time. You are a warrior, you just haven't realized it yet. You are going to come out on the other side of this much wiser and more confident than you've ever been. And one day, you will pay it forward

[Torii]

I noticed that my feelings from my past experience is starting to come out as anger now, and I'm not sure what to do about this... I know that I need professional help, before it becomes worse but I just can't seem to actually go into a mental health clinic to get the support I need. I'm scared, and thought I'd come back on this thread for some advice. I know I'll get a response stating to go get help, but the stigma keeps me from going.

 

It's been 4 years, why is it that I'm only recently becoming angry?.. It doesn't help at all that this anger is directed at my roommate, for an issue I know isn't his fault. I just don't understand this aspect.. Even when I provide a healthy outlit for my feelings, I still project them onto him. Is it because he reminds me so much of the person that caused me so much terrifying memories and pain?

 

 

Just thought I'd vent a bit. I'm not sure where to go, or where to turn for the appropriate help. Been struggling for so long and for some reason, I continue to think I deserve to struggle with this - even when I know I'm supported to get the help that I need..

[jakrbbt]

You should look into EMDR treatment-- it's non-drug, harmless, and very well-studied. It can be amazingly effective for treating PTSD and other psychological traumas.

 

From what I've seen, long-unresolved issues like trauma can turn into anger. It makes sense, but also, it makes sense to try to "resolve" or accept the past.

 

I once had PTSD after someone tried to kidnap me at gunpoint in my car and I struggled and got away.

 

It affected me in all kinds of unexpected, insidious, hidden little ways. I did not deal with it for over a year and a half. I am convinced that it's one reason I got into a weird, destructive romantic relationship and almost willingly took on the role of someone who is used. I also was isolated for a long time, and am still suffering fallout from that and have lost some good friends. And I was unaware that I could be happier and more deliberate than I was being in my life.

 

I saw a counselor who had been doing EMDR treatment for 10 years. She was fantastic. The treatment was (for me anyway) highly effective. After two EMDR sessions, I no longer had PTSD symptoms (nightmares, doom and shame and thinking it would happen again, et c). But of course, now I'm having to deal with the fallout from all the stuff that went on while I was living with this PTSD-- the choices I made that carried over. I'm realizing that, and will be doing follow-up with the same counselor. I am very optimistic that it will help a lot-- it's just going to take several sessions and several months and THEN I will have to establish a "pattern" of living my life without the ghosts of the past directing me. That, I look forward to. You can too.

 

You don't want to stay angry, and you're very wise to take a look at what's going on with you. I can only mention what worked for me, but don't give up looking for ways to cope and heal. You can!

Edited June 2, 2015 by jakrbbt

[Torii]

You should look into EMDR treatment-- it's non-drug, harmless, and very well-studied. It can be amazingly effective for treating PTSD and other psychological traumas.

 

From what I've seen, long-unresolved issues like trauma can turn into anger. It makes sense, but also, it makes sense to try to "resolve" or accept the past.

 

I once had PTSD after someone tried to kidnap me at gunpoint in my car and I struggled and got away.

 

It affected me in all kinds of unexpected, insidious, hidden little ways. I did not deal with it for over a year and a half. I am convinced that it's one reason I got into a weird, destructive romantic relationship and almost willingly took on the role of someone who is used. I also was isolated for a long time, and am still suffering fallout from that and have lost some good friends. And I was unaware that I could be happier and more deliberate than I was being in my life.

 

I saw a counselor who had been doing EMDR treatment for 10 years. She was fantastic. The treatment was (for me anyway) highly effective. After two EMDR sessions, I no longer had PTSD symptoms (nightmares, doom and shame and thinking it would happen again, et c). But of course, now I'm having to deal with the fallout from all the stuff that went on while I was living with this PTSD-- the choices I made that carried over. I'm realizing that, and will be doing follow-up with the same counselor. I am very optimistic that it will help a lot-- it's just going to take several sessions and several months and THEN I will have to establish a "pattern" of living my life without the ghosts of the past directing me. That, I look forward to. You can too.

 

You don't want to stay angry, and you're very wise to take a look at what's going on with you. I can only mention what worked for me, but don't give up looking for ways to cope and heal. You can!

 

This is wonderful to hear! Glad you're getting the help that you needed!

 

 

I'm going to see a counselor in September about it. This will be my third attempt trying to get the help I need to manage my feelings and I suppose maybe I'm ready to deal with them now. I took the time I needed to self-explore my behaviors associated with my memories, so hopefully when I see a counselor this time, it won't be as scary as it was when I was forcing myself to go.

 

 

Thanks.