smithrood1 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Its a two and a half year relationship. We are both in our 20s, she is 5 years older than I am. First of all, we live a 3 hour drive apart from each other, I live in "city", she lives in "town". So one night I have free I tell my GF im going out to drink, she gets mad and says she going out to; I say fine, we´ll be in touch. Night goes on, we just share a couple of texts which she replies with anger, and after 1am she does not reply a single message or call. By 4am I'm worried sick, so I call one of her friends [James] to ask about her, he tells me she went walking back home by herself at night, that he does not know anything about her because she is not reponding his calls either. Therefore he goes around the town looking for her. After some time looking for her, he finds my GF with [Chris], a long time "friend" of hers that I´ve known for two years, in his car below an overpass... As soon as James sees them, they turn on the car and leave the scene at top speed. After an hour and so, James lets me know that she is already home, time goes on and I don´t hear a word from her till 8am. She calls me, tells me that she got home walking and went to sleep. Of course I call bull**** and she keeps sticking to her story, telling me to go to visit her and swears on everything that what she is saying is true, finally I´m beyond angry and break up with her and don´t go see her. Three days pass and she calls me saying she is in the city, that she is just going to go out to have fun in the city and that she wants me to go visit her the next day to town to talk. Of course I say that if she is already in the city and wants to talk, that she comes and talks to me for once. She says no, and I say well **** this, and then she stops bluffing and tells me that she never drove to see me but she wants to talk to me. After a big argument I finally I make her say the truth, and her story was that Chris was riding with another friend of his and found my GF in the street and picked her up and just talked. After they got discovered by James, they went drop of Chris´friend home and thats when Chris tried to kiss my GF but she says she pushed him back and then she got dropped back home. Nothing else happened Of course went back to see her, and found out that she deleted a few messages from Chris on her phone (Which I know because I checked the logs). And argue with her about why didn´t she just reply in the moment and tell me the truth that same day. She would just say that it was something she wanted to talk in person, that I would just gotten crazy mad and that she didn´t reply because she did not want to fight... (Well of course I was going to get mad, but even more if she lied...) What do you all think? Is she really cheating? Should I believe her? most importantly, should I trust her? A little extra insight I want to add, is that me and my GF would hang out with Chris every one or two weekends, and that I found out that my GF will look almost every day for Chris´profile on facebook. tl;dr: Lies for 3 days that she wasn´t with another guy parked at night in the car, when she comes clean she says she wanted to wait to speak in person and that his friend tried to kiss her but that she pushed him away Really appreciate any advice Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Well, it is possible that she was just drunk and angry at you, and wanted some input from another male. However... Since I've been a victim of gaslighting myself, I would be very careful. Claiming that she didn't tell you the truth because you would become "crazy mad" is very manipulative. Instead of saying "I'm sorry, I got drunk and couldn't think straight", she's basically blaming YOU for her behaviour. May I ask you how her family situation is? Did she have a happy childhood? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smithrood1 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 Well, it is possible that she was just drunk and angry at you, and wanted some input from another male. However... Since I've been a victim of gaslighting myself, I would be very careful. Claiming that she didn't tell you the truth because you would become "crazy mad" is very manipulative. Instead of saying "I'm sorry, I got drunk and couldn't think straight", she's basically blaming YOU for her behaviour. May I ask you how her family situation is? Did she have a happy childhood? She didn't seem to have a very happy childhood. She was kinda of the loser in elemtry and when she got to highschool she became very outgoing and then she got her heart broken in highschool; plus she has a very bad relationship with her parents, she bearly talks to them and she lives with other relatives of her because of how bad she gets along with her direct family. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 She's deceitful & has other issues. I'd dump her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 There's no reason to lie when everything is innocent. She lied. You have trust issues, otherwise, you wouldn't be checking her call log. This relationship is hanging on by a singed thread. End it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 She didn't seem to have a very happy childhood. She was kinda of the loser in elemtry and when she got to highschool she became very outgoing and then she got her heart broken in highschool; plus she has a very bad relationship with her parents, she bearly talks to them and she lives with other relatives of her because of how bad she gets along with her direct family. I would be careful then. It seems that she's trying to blame you for her actions. It's very hard to see these things clearly when you're in a relationship. You need to be brave. Tell her that unless she's willing to listen to your feelings and discuss the issues in the relationship, you're not willing to put up with this. She will probably try to manipulate you and say stuff like: "You're so childish! Threatening to break up with me if I don't do as you please. Is that what you call love?! My friends were shocked when I told them how you treat me." This is called gaslighting and it's a tactic some people use to try to make you feel insane. It's gpod to be prepared before confronting people like her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 This is called gaslighting and it's a tactic some people use to try to make you feel insane. It's gpod to be prepared before confronting people like her. ^ Exactly! Cheaters have two lines of defense: #1: Deny, deny, deny. #2: Deflect guilt onto the person accusing them of cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Im not going to defend her, but there may be a chance to rebuild things and regain trust. There are some people that come unglued it their lady just looks are a guy, totally innocently, or accepts a ride home. I could see the lady wanting to talk in person to you to explain things because she wanted to set the record straight. However, she should have NOT ended up parked in a car with ANY guy under a bridge.... period. Clearly a violation of trust, unless you KNEW she did that and was totally innocent. Very unlikely, she could have met in a public restaurant or open place. She has to decide if this was an innocent slip, or the beginning of a new found romance and if she can focus herself to NEVER repeat it with you and is willing to serious spent the effort of regaining your trust, which can be done. And you have to decide if you're going to accept it. People have recovered from much worse things. I could argue a few rules in any relationship. NEVER end up alone with the opposite sex in a private area, or late at any bar with just the two of you.... and very cautionously even in a public place. And never drop hints of anything to do with attraction, love, sex, etc. Much better with a mixed group. There are very few men that I would trust doing any of the above with my lady, and some are friends of mine (not the best of friends). Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 She has jealousy issues and cheats. Dump her and stop wasting your time, especially when you're just in your 20s. She's definitely no marriage or future prospect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 A good rule of thumb with this stuff is if you ever find yourself bargaining on their behalf (which is what asking "could it be true?" is doing), chances are they're lying. Of course it could be true. It's also possible she went skydiving between 3 and 4 a.m. then stopped for coffee and lost a contact lense under the bridge and was looking for it there. But is any of that likely? No. You don't have to meet the reasonable doubt standard, just the 'something's not right' standard. (Assuming you're honest with yourself and not a paranoid controller.) Tangent question - how did James see her at 4 am in a dark car in the shadows under an overpass? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smithrood1 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 ^ Exactly! Cheaters have two lines of defense: #1: Deny, deny, deny. #2: Deflect guilt onto the person accusing them of cheating. Well she has been using #2 a lot. Saying that I have a guilty conscious becaused I cheated on her and thats why I don´t believe her nor trust her. Also she seems so sure in accusing me of talking to a girl I that I don´t want to metion to her (Which is not true, there is no girl). On top of that, yesterday I tried talking about this with her, I asked her to put her self in my shoes if I were the one who did said the lies about the car/overpass topic. She flipped, got mad, and the answers she finally gave me was that she too would´ve done the same I did in the beggining and that now that time has passed, she doesn´t know... I asked her why she flipped, that I´m making those questions to understand better the situation, and all I got was that she is tired of me getting upset or mad because I start thinking about what happened, that she is tired of the subject, that either I trust her and drop it or end this. We´ve been trying to talk about this for more than a week, we´ve fought a lot, and now she doesn´t want to touch the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smithrood1 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 Tangent question - how did James see her at 4 am in a dark car in the shadows under an overpass? I´m planning in talking to him soon, cause I never got the details. The thing is that Chris was also haging out with James and my GF before, thats why when James passed thru below the over pass he stopped when he saw Chris´ car. Thats when he said he saw my GF in the car. He never told me any specifics about what she was doing, or that if he could see anything else. Just that they took off fast. That place is not that dark, cause there some light pools in the surrounding area. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 She was pumped all night by another dude and they laughed about how clueless you were. She probably did not use protection, next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 She tried to get back at you for wanting to go out with your friends. That's pretty messed up that she tries to control you from hanging out with your buds like that. Who cares if she lies? She's toxic anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 SHe may have cheated and may have not. When we don't know the truth, we try to look at the back stories. 1. She was mad at you because you went out not with her and went out wanting you to get jealous. And wow!! what a coincidence, at the same night Chris is trying to kiss her??!!! mmm... very strange... 2. She didn't tell you tell you the truth on her initiation. 3. She lied!!! (that's the main problem). Now go figure out for yourself do you want to believe a liar... It's your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AJH1982 Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Liar, liar pants on fire! Go talk to Chris! He may tell you the truth! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smithrood1 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) Well, I saw Chris the other day and got in a fight with him... While the fight happened he said that my GF was a whore. Couple a minutes later after the fight, I go talk to him and he swears on his daughter that nothing happened that night, he also tells someone else that my GF was actually the one that tried to kiss him... The thing is he starts telling me a different story than my GF, he said that it was only him and her in the car and that they went buy food and they where eating there... Which is BS IMO. What pissed me off the most was that after the fight happened, my GF gets crazy mad with me because it wasn´t necesary to do any of what I did and she takes off in Chris´car to get dropped of her home... Another thing I liked to add is that I broke up with her yesterday, but I don´t know If I can do this. I broke up because of all of this and because we´ve been fighting so bad for the past weeks, I stopped telling her anything so we wouldn´t fight and she will still find something to fight about, it even got physical from her part and got threats from her (most of the times alcohol is involve) which is not the first time that this happens. But now she is crying like crazy, and literaly begging me for a second chance, saying that this time is gonna be different, she even said she would get into anger management classes and stop drinking (Which honestly I don´t think she will). The thing is I cant even recall the number of times I´ve given us an opportunity to fix our relationship and we still end up here. Of course I feel like a piece of **** when she got all sad about us and said how much she loves me. advice please? Edited June 27, 2015 by smithrood1 Link to post Share on other sites
len51 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 A very, very long time ago I was caught in the backseat of a car with a married woman. I did not know she was married because she did not wear a wedding band. We were just kissing and she saw her husband long before he could see us kiss. When I saw a man approach she just said that it was her husband which caught me by surprise. They did not divorce but what he did not know was that his wife had just ended a 10 year affair with a man and I was to be her rebound guy. She continued to cheat on him. How gullible can someone be? Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 "I cant even recall the number of times I´ve given us an opportunity to fix our relationship and we still end up here." This is your answer to any questions you have about what to do. Move forward. she can't fix things in a matter of weeks or probably even months. Link to post Share on other sites
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