Should I start preparing for the worse?

[not-a-drive-by]

This is our first "break" in our 1.5 year relationship, and maybe our second fight. I'm scared and freaking out a bit. My boyfriend asked for a break on Thursday, after an argument. He said things are too heated on both sides, and we need to cool down and think about things. He said he wanted 4-6 weeks because our relationship and his work is stressing him. We haven't talked or seen each other since then. I have been tempted to contact him a few times, but have held off.

 

However, his cousin's wedding is coming up in 19 days as well, which is in the middle of our break. I have decided to go since I have RSVP'd before this. He is on the groom's party, so probably won't have an opportunity to talk anyways. I'm most likely to be on the table with his other cousins. If he does come to the table, should I leave him to start the communication? And if the communication does start, should I ask him if he is ready to talk (maybe day or two after the wedding)? If he doesn't, do I continue to hold my silence for another 2-3 weeks and just nod/smile to acknowledge he is there? Since he initiated the break, I should let him to reach out first?

 

Or should I prepare for the worse now and not hold any hope ? From what I have written in the previous paragraph, I am trying to be hopeful that things would have cooled down by then and that he wants to try to make things work between us. It already feels like I'm going through a break up.

 

If anyone is going to suggest that I hang out with friends during this time, I've already lost them during my first relationship .

[Ruby65]

1-1/2 years can be a make-or-break time for relationships... I'm really sorry but I wouldn't be holding out much hope for a positive resolution of this break.

 

In no way should you go to this wedding unless your ex specifically calls and asks you to attend.

 

Just my opinion, but this is HIS cousin's wedding, HIS family -- you have no place there, except as his plus-one date. Seeing him will only set you back and cause you pain... and seeing you there will probably only serve to annoy him as this is a clear boundary violation.

 

Breaks very rarely have a happy ending. Much better for you to assume this is a breakup and act accordingly! Try to focus on healing -- and let him see what life is like without you in it.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecovergyguide.com

 

Good luck to you -- and keep posting!

 

[StalwartMind]

I'm not sure how he came up with the number of 4-6 weeks to cool down and recompose but it does seem like a long time. Everything is of course relative to each individual relationship, but if he asked you to give him that, then comply. When the time is up I would expect him to approach and have gathered the thought he needed so that you can move forward.

 

Drama, arguing and trying to win fights is a complete waste of time and benefits no one. Being respectful and listening to your partner/friend typically makes your relationship prosper the most. I'm not to judge how anyone does choose to live their life or how to go about it, but if someone asks something of you in a sensible way, it's often good to do so. Hopefully by the time it's all over you'll have reconnected and can put the past behind you. Inspire yourself to be a better person and keep doing so for the rest of your life.

[not-a-drive-by]

1-1/2 years can be a make-or-break time for relationships... I'm really sorry but I wouldn't be holding out much hope for a positive resolution of this break.

 

In no way should you go to this wedding unless your ex specifically calls and asks you to attend.

 

Just my opinion, but this is HIS cousin's wedding, HIS family -- you have no place there, except as his plus-one date. Seeing him will only set you back and cause you pain... and seeing you there will probably only serve to annoy him as this is a clear boundary violation.

 

Breaks very rarely have a happy ending. Much better for you to assume this is a breakup and act accordingly! Try to focus on healing -- and let him see what life is like without you in it.

 

 

Hi Ruby

 

We already have a house together (bought recently), so, I don't know if that means much. To me, it feels we have some sort of commitment . But, I guess, we could always end up selling it...

 

I was invited to the wedding, not as a plus one? My name is on the invite and I was invited to the hen's bridal high tea . Do you feel I should ask him whether I should go then? It's his cousin's wedding afterall, not his. So, I don't think it's his call on that...His cousin's fiance is expecting me to be there since I confirmed the date and time this week (she doesn't know we are fighting though, or on a break).

 

I'm not sure how he came up with the number of 4-6 weeks to cool down and recompose but it does seem like a long time. Everything is of course relative to each individual relationship, but if he asked you to give him that, then comply. When the time is up I would expect him to approach and have gathered the thought he needed so that you can move forward.

 

Drama, arguing and trying to win fights is a complete waste of time and benefits no one. Being respectful and listening to your partner/friend typically makes your relationship prosper the most. I'm not to judge how anyone does choose to live their life or how to go about it, but if someone asks something of you in a sensible way, it's often good to do so. Hopefully by the time it's all over you'll have reconnected and can put the past behind you. Inspire yourself to be a better person and keep doing so for the rest of your life.

 

I'm not sure where he got the 4-6 weeks either . It is a terribly long time, especially since it's only the 3rd day, it already feels like a lifetime. I am respecting his decision for space, so I have held back from contacting him. It is extremely hard though.

 

Now I'm unsure whether I should be attending the wedding or not .

[Ruby65]

Huge huge mistake going to that wedding.

 

It's HIS family, HIS cousin, HIS cousin's fiance.

 

No, the house means nothing in terms of whether or not this is a break or a breakup. People married 30 years, with kids and two cars and a mortgage, break up.

 

[Jimmyjackson]

Yeah don't go to the wedding, seriously. It's not your family.

 

Just cool off as he says, let him come to you..he will talk when he's ready.

[not-a-drive-by]

Huge huge mistake going to that wedding.

 

It's HIS family, HIS cousin, HIS cousin's fiance.

 

No, the house means nothing in terms of whether or not this is a break or a breakup. People married 30 years, with kids and two cars and a mortgage, break up.

 

 

I guess if we don't make it through this, then it wasn't love afterall . Since, I don't think our fight was worth breaking up over.

 

Yeah don't go to the wedding, seriously. It's not your family.

 

Just cool off as he says, let him come to you..he will talk when he's ready.

Would it be rude to just not attend now? I mean, they would've paid for the reception numbers.

Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by

[Ruby65]

I guess if we don't make it through this, then it wasn't love afterall . Since, I don't think our fight was worth breaking up over.

 

It's probably been brewing for a while and this was the fight that set it off. He's either had doubts that he hasn't expressed and wants a chance to see what it's like to be single.... or there's someone on the horizon he wants to check out.

 

I've been in both situations on a break. Once as the dumper, because I wanted to check out someone else. That ended up with us getting back together because I just couldn't handle doing something so awful to someone I cared about.

 

The other time I was the dumpee, and that one did end with a breakup after just a few weeks (18 agonizing days).

 

Would it be rude to just not attend now? I mean, they would've paid for the reception numbers.

 

It's his problem how to explain your not being there.... HE'S the one who wanted a "break"!

 

He can explain it to them.

 

You don't have to do anything right now but focus on YOU -- on healing and doing things that will help you feel better. Seeing him, spending time with him and his family, isn't going to further your well-being.

 

Believe me, I really do understand how hard it is to make it through every day on a break.

 

Your best course of action is to disappear completely from his world... and make him disappear from yours. No contact, online and off. He wants space? Fine -- you give him space. Give him so much space he forgets what you look like or the sound of your voice.

 

You have no friends right now? Use the people on sites like this to be your friends until you have time to make new ones in person. A break(up) is also a great time to heal past friendships -- people love to forgive and they love to help others through a crisis.

 

Focus on activities that enhance your well-being. Exercise -- taking long walks if you can't handle anything more strenuous. Running (while listening to "The Secret" on my iPod for some reason, over and over) is what got me through my last big breakup. Have movie marathons on the sofa wrapped in blankets, eat ice cream, soak in hot baths -- treat yourself very gently right now, it's all about comfort and feeling good.

 

Check out the guide I posted above, it really will help you!

 

Remember that whatever happens, you're going to be just fine.

 

Edited May 31, 2015 by Ruby65

[OIrish]

I would contact her and tell her "I apologize for the late notice, but I will be unable to attend your wedding on xyz date. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible. Again, please accept my apologies and know I wish you all the happiness in the world."

 

It would be a huge disrespect to the break he asked for to go to his family's wedding when you all are in a period of no contact. Plus you could make it uncomfortable for other people and box him into a corner.

 

I would say to him the argument you had meant more and it signified something more or a deeper issue. Owning a house together means nothing, just makes a hassle, but it doesn't bind you together forever.

 

I hope you all have a happy end but I think respecting the desire for a break and making him come to you after is essential. And definitely don't go to the wedding!

[Satu]

What was the argument about?

 

Why did it get so heated?

[Jimmyjackson]

Would it be rude to just not attend now? I mean, they would've paid for the reception numbers.

 

Your boyfriend wants to go on a break, and you're wondering if its rude not to go to his families wedding? Come on man, if people ask he'll just have to say you're taking a break.

[not-a-drive-by]

What was the argument about?

 

Why did it get so heated?

 

I was being unreasonable because I was upset/mad. I was being childish .

Long story short, he has been stressed at work. He hates his job and has been trying to get out of it for the past year. We haven't been really communicating lately or seen each other, also partly because he has been meeting with his friends after work, So on Wednesday night, he said he'd call me after his night out between I certain time. I stayed up waiting for the call (and was extremely tired myself) because I was eager to talk to him (since we haven't communicated much). But he didn't keep track of time and called late. I am the punctual type, so I expect the same from others. Although he did try to call later, I was quite mad.

 

Then to make things worse, other things was brought into the fight - like how I felt that he would see me when it was convenient for me (he said he'd visit the previous Friday but he stayed home). He the n started saying that I'm keeping tabs on when he visits and whatnot. I just wanted him to come over some times, and I'd go over other times. I make the effort to see him, so I do expect the same.

 

Bottomline, I do know that I'm wrong. And I'm expecting some verbal abuse to come from you guys. I feel terrible and it's probably too late. I know I've just dug my own grave .

[lana-banana]

4-6 weeks isn't a break, it's a break-up. No emotionally mature individual needs "breaks" from a relationship; if anything, the relationship should be a source of support during tough times. It looks like this guy will use the "break" to find a way out of your relationship and house. You should too. Why would you want to be with someone who can happily go 4-6 weeks without you? That's not a boyfriend, that's a ghost. And no, DO NOT attend the wedding. Even if you were invited separately it's still his family. He will explain and they will understand your absence. If it makes you feel better, write them a small check to cover the costs or buy another gift on the registry, but do not go.

 

PS: the line about losing all your friends in your last break-up stands out as a serious problem. What happened? Why did a break-up cost you every single one of your friends?

[Ruby65]

We haven't been really communicating lately or seen each other, also partly because he has been meeting with his friends after work, So on Wednesday night, he said he'd call me after his night out between I certain time. I stayed up waiting for the call (and was extremely tired myself) because I was eager to talk to him (since we haven't communicated much). But he didn't keep track of time and called late.

 

He's been meeting friends after work.... not communicating as much? Not making time with you a priority lately?

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like there could be someone else in the picture.

[not-a-drive-by]

4-6 weeks isn't a break, it's a break-up. No emotionally mature individual needs "breaks" from a relationship; if anything, the relationship should be a source of support during tough times. It looks like this guy will use the "break" to find a way out of your relationship and house. You should too. Why would you want to be with someone who can happily go 4-6 weeks without you? That's not a boyfriend, that's a ghost. And no, DO NOT attend the wedding. Even if you were invited separately it's still his family. He will explain and they will understand your absence. If it makes you feel better, write them a small check to cover the costs or buy another gift on the registry, but do not go.

 

PS: the line about losing all your friends in your last break-up stands out as a serious problem. What happened? Why did a break-up cost you every single one of your friends?

 

So am I just waiting 4 to 6 weeks for him to say it's over? Why didn't he just break it off on Thursday? Part of me just wants to ask whether we're done, but in the heat of things, he'll probably break it off right away. I'm just delaying the inevitable, aren't I?

 

I'm an introvert. I didnt have many friends to begin with. I lost myself in my first relationship, making the guy my priority. And slowly, just lost touch with my friends.

[Jimmyjackson]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet, my best friend went on a break with his current girlfriend because of a similar thing. His girlfriend got a bit needy and annoying so he needed a week or two away from it just to cool off. They're still together and have been for 4 years now, he didn't get with anyone else and neither did she, some breaks are necessary.

 

It could be that you've been smoothering and he needs time away, while I'm not going to completely rule out somebody else, it could be that you're just getting on his nerves, hence spending time with friends more.

[Jimmyjackson]

So am I just waiting 4 to 6 weeks for him to say it's over? Why didn't he just break it off on Thursday? Part of me just wants to ask whether we're done, but in the heat of things, he'll probably break it off right away. I'm just delaying the inevitable, aren't I?

 

I'm an introvert. I didnt have many friends to begin with. I lost myself in my first relationship, making the guy my priority. And slowly, just lost touch with my friends.

 

Do as your picture says on here, keep NC, don't push anything. People want what they can't have, it's human nature. Let him come to you then decide what to do after.

[not-a-drive-by]

He's been meeting friends after work.... not communicating as much? Not making time with you a priority lately?

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like there could be someone else in the picture.

I think I can be certain that noone else is in the picture...it's only been the last two weeks. He isn't the type to cheat... He has been very stressed and tired, despite how much he sleeps, I'm starting to feel that maybe he might be depressed.

 

Maybe I am a horrible gf. Sometimes when I point out that he has a grey hair (he only has one or two), he'd say it's because of me, stressing him out. I don't know if it's a joke or not though . Maybe something has been brewing inside of him, but he has never made me aware of it. Like I said, this is only our second fight in the relationship.

[Ruby65]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet, my best friend went on a break with his current girlfriend because of a similar thing. His girlfriend got a bit needy and annoying so he needed a week or two away from it just to cool off. They're still together and have been for 4 years now, he didn't get with anyone else and neither did she, some breaks are necessary.

 

It could be that you've been smoothering and he needs time away, while I'm not going to completely rule out somebody else, it could be that you're just getting on his nerves, hence spending time with friends more.

 

Yeah, but there's a big difference between taking a week or two.... and saying you need 4-6 weeks right from the start!

 

That's asking for time to check out someone else, ime anyway.

 

Just my opinion!

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he was already checking out of the relationship when he called this "break" It sounds like he wasn't all that happy, and his lack of communication and face-time with you indicates he hasn't been feeling it recently. The amount of fighting in a relationship doesn't always directly correspond to levels of happiness. A distant partner can also indicate this.

 

I agree with the others. A mature person doesn't need 4-6 weeks to figure out if they want to continue a relationship. That's an odd timeline. I think he wants to test-drive being single and then come back if it doesn't pan out. Do you really want to be the back-up plan? Because that certainly sounds like what you're becoming. It does suspiciously sound like there could be someone else he's interested in, as much as we don't want to believe that. I've been in your shoes too. Never imagined one of my ex's was the type. Until he was.

 

Do not go to this wedding. It's simply not your place, and he can explain why you're not there. I would consider this a break-up and act accordingly. He needs to get it together so you can sort out the logistics of the home purchase. Don't be his Plan B.

[sandylee1]

I guess if we don't make it through this, then it wasn't love afterall . Since, I don't think our fight was worth breaking up over.

 

 

Would it be rude to just not attend now? I mean, they would've paid for the reception numbers.

 

Why not ask him if you should attend.

 

It would be rude to just not turn up and he could use that against you.

 

Also, I'd say you got invited to the hen night, it's because the bride likes you as a person, not because your the cousins GF.

 

Have the two of you ever discussed marriage? Or are you just living together?

[sandylee1]

Sometimes when I point out that he has a grey hair (he only has one or two), he'd say it's because of me, stressing him out.

 

 

Don't ever do that again if you get back together.

 

It's likely to piss him off and it isn't funny. It's like highlighting a fault.

[not-a-drive-by]

Yeah, but there's a big difference between taking a week or two.... and saying you need 4-6 weeks right from the start!

 

That's asking for time to check out someone else, ime anyway.

 

Just my opinion!

 

 

Ugh, thinking about it now, I think it's partly my fault as well. He suggested 4-6 weeks, and being upset/mad, I agreed. So I guess I could've suggested 2-3 weeks...feeling so stupid now.

 

In regards to marriage, we haven't spoken about it seriously. He used to joke that he'd marry me when I was 40 or 50 (we're 26), which made me a bit upset. But around a month ago, we were at the pub. This old man sitting on the table next to us, initiated a convo with me. He talked about really random things, and one of it was marriage. He asked me if I would marry my bf. I said I don't know/or maybe, since we've never discussed it and he has always said when we're 40 to 50 years old. Because he says it so often, I've started to believe it (I don't even bother try catching the bouquet at weddings anymore, because I have a feeling it won't be anytime soon). But he seemed to be a bit affected by it when we got home. I was upset when he brought it up, and I explained my reasoning. He then suggested maybe 2 to 3 years time (when we're 30 or so), but i don't know whether it was to cheer me up or not.

 

He does talk about having children, but that's it . I don't see him saving up for a ring or a wedding, and probably even harder now that we have a mortgage together. Although during our last fight, my friend asked him whether he sees himself spending the rest of his life with me, he said yes. I don't know if that has changed.

 

I havent moved in yet. I wasn't planning to until we got married (my parents are quite conservative).

 

And in regards to the grey hair, I don't know if it bothers him. I guess I'll stop, although he always points out that I have heaps >.>.

Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

How have u ended up so over involved with his family to be separately invited to the wedding? Is it possible u may have been overbearing? I would have thought the invite would have been to him plus 1 or both of u together... u cannot go to this wedding it is not your place so the sooner u deal with that the better...

 

With that aside, u have no choice but to accept his decision, personally I wouldn't wait for 4-6 weeks & that also seems an odd time frame... Time to move on x

[not-a-drive-by]

How have u ended up so over involved with his family to be separately invited to the wedding? Is it possible u may have been overbearing? I would have thought the invite would have been to him plus 1 or both of u together... u cannot go to this wedding it is not your place so the sooner u deal with that the better...

 

With that aside, u have no choice but to accept his decision, personally I wouldn't wait for 4-6 weeks & that also seems an odd time frame... Time to move on x

 

We were invited together - my name and his name on the invite.