Should I start preparing for the worse?

[Ariess10]

So am I just waiting 4 to 6 weeks for him to say it's over? Why didn't he just break it off on Thursday? Part of me just wants to ask whether we're done, but in the heat of things, he'll probably break it off right away. I'm just delaying the inevitable, aren't I?

 

I'm an introvert. I didnt have many friends to begin with. I lost myself in my first relationship, making the guy my priority. And slowly, just lost touch with my friends.

 

Don't go to this wedding, don't make it harder then it needs to be

[Methodical]

We already have a house together (bought recently), so, I don't know if that means much. To me, it feels we have some sort of commitment . But, I guess, we could always end up selling it...

 

Then to make things worse, other things was brought into the fight - like how I felt that he would see me when it was convenient for me (he said he'd visit the previous Friday but he stayed home). He the n started saying that I'm keeping tabs on when he visits and whatnot. I just wanted him to come over some times, and I'd go over other times.

 

My initial thought was that he decided on a 4 - 6 week "break" because going to the wedding might cause you to start pushing for marriage and he isn't ready for that. But then I read more and I'm confused. You recently purchased a house together (in bold above)...but then you speak of him staying home rather than coming to see you, him accusing you of keeping tabs on when he visits, you want him to come visit and other times you go visit him (again, in bold above).

 

This makes no sense whatsoever. People don't visit a home they own and purchased together. Explain your living arrangements because something doesn't add up.

[not-a-drive-by]

 

 

 

My initial thought was that he decided on a 4 - 6 week "break" because going to the wedding might cause you to start pushing for marriage and he isn't ready for that. But then I read more and I'm confused. You recently purchased a house together (in bold above)...but then you speak of him staying home rather than coming to see you, him accusing you of keeping tabs on when he visits, you want him to come visit and other times you go visit him (again, in bold above).

 

This makes no sense whatsoever. People don't visit a home they own and purchased together. Explain your living arrangements because something doesn't add up.

 

We live separately. The plan for purchasing the house now is because house prices are increasing insanely here. If we don't make a purchase now, we're not likely to be able to afford one a few years down the track (median house prices in our city are $1m). He is currently living in the home we purchased, but I'm still living at home with my parents. My parents are quite conservative (asian background), so even bringing up the idea of moving in now, is a no-no. The idea is that I will move in after we get married.

 

We've been to at least 4 weddings together, and I don't bring up the topic of marriage, since he always says when we're 40 or 50 years old. So I don't think that's an issue. I don't think we both thought about the upcoming wedding when he suggested the timeframe for the break. Not that it matters I guess.

Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

We were invited together - my name and his name on the invite.

 

Then sadly it's not your place to go xx

[ExpatInItaly]

We live separately. The plan for purchasing the house now is because house prices are increasing insanely here. If we don't make a purchase now, we're not likely to be able to afford one a few years down the track (median house prices in our city are $1m). He is currently living in the home we purchased, but I'm still living at home with my parents. My parents are quite conservative (asian background), so even bringing up the idea of moving in now, is a no-no. The idea is that I will move in after we get married.

 

We've been to at least 4 weddings together, and I don't bring up the topic of marriage, since he always says when we're 40 or 50 years old. So I don't think that's an issue. I don't think we both thought about the upcoming wedding when he suggested the timeframe for the break. Not that it matters I guess.

 

Oh, dear...

 

So because you have no idea when you will actually get married, you also have no idea when you'll move in to a home that you helped purchase? Girl, no. There's something really not right with this scenario. He is living in a house you bought together yet you won't live there any time soon. And you can't even say when you will be there. Do you not see the problem with this? Are you not troubled by the fact that he's living there, has now essentially broken up with you, and you are helping to foot the bill? Housing market be damned, this is messed-up. Whose idea was this to buy a house now?

[not-a-drive-by]

Then sadly it's not your place to go xx

 

That's a pity. I bought a nice evening dress for the reception .

 

Hmm, maybe in terms of the wedding, I'll see what happens on the day before. We usually write the wedding card together and put our monetary gift inside. We pre-purchased some blank cards a while ago, so I'll see if he texts to offer to write my name on it. If that is the case, it may be okay to attend. Otherwise, I'll write my own card and send it off to the newly weds with my blessings.

Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by

[ExpatInItaly]

That's a pity. I bought a nice evening dress for the reception .

 

Hmm, maybe in terms of the wedding, I'll see what happens on the day before. We usually write the wedding card together and put our monetary gift inside. We pre-purchased some blank cards a while ago, so I'll see if he texts to offer to write my name on it. If that is the case, it may be okay to attend. Otherwise, I'll write my own card and send it off to the newly weds with my blessings.

 

Why wait so long, though? If he doesn't text you at all, how will you feel?

 

I'd just tell him to send your regards and leave it at that. I really don't think attending this wedding is in your best interests. It's going to be very hard for you, I imagine. I wouldn't want to put myself in that position.

[lana-banana]

Why on earth did you agree to buy a house you won't live in with a guy who doesn't want to marry you? "Maybe when we're 40 or 50" is effectively "never" and you know it.

 

It is clear you're hoping this wedding will provide a chance for you to reconcile. Unfortunately, it is much more likely to cause extreme discomfort if not heartbreak (do you really want to watch him dancing with other girls at the reception?) and needless melodrama for the poor couple just trying to get married. This guy doesn't want to see you or talk to you and, despite what Hollywood would have you believe, a pretty dress isn't going to change that. Spend the weekend finding a lawyer who can help you out of your extremely ill-advised home purchase.

[Methodical]

How much money, a rough guesstimate, have you invested in the down payment, house payments, home furnishings, etc.? How long has it been since this purchase?

[Thecondor1991]

Well unfortunately, breaks usually end up leading to break ups. Very rarely do people take breaks and then come back from those breaks a stronger couple. I wouldn't break up with him or anything yet, but continue to give him space, take some time to do some things you love, and in the next few weeks , if you don't hear from him or nothing has changed, then start preparing for the worse.

[Methodical]

And one more thought, is both your names on the deed?

[Lois_Griffin]

I think I can be certain that noone else is in the picture...it's only been the last two weeks. He isn't the type to cheat...

Oh man.

 

Famous last words of just about every person who found out how very wrong they really were.

 

When someone requests a 'break,' that's the kiss of death.

[Lois_Griffin]

Ugh, thinking about it now, I think it's partly my fault as well. He suggested 4-6 weeks, and being upset/mad, I agreed. So I guess I could've suggested 2-3 weeks...feeling so stupid now.

So now it's somehow YOUR fault that HE'S the one who asked for 4-6 weeks? He asked for that because that's what he WANTED.

 

I wouldn't go to the wedding. Call the groom and tell him you wont be able to attend so they can let the caterers know about the change in headcount.

 

I'm absolutely shocked you chose to buy a house with someone who clearly doesn't see you as marriage material.

 

The person who loves the LEAST in a relationship has all the power. That's why he's calling all the shots and you aren't.

[BC1980]

Did you actually purchase the home together? Is your name on the mortgage? How much money did you invest in this house?

 

It sounds like HE purchased a home, and I hope that he didn't take your money for a down payment, furniture, ect. I so hope that is not that case. Please tell me you did not give him any money.

[Itspointless]

Don't ever do that again if you get back together.

 

It's likely to piss him off and it isn't funny. It's like highlighting a fault.

Seriously, just because of a grey hair?!? Come on please, that guy should grow a spine.

 

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but I think he is very disrespectful to you. You being needy or not, he should be happy with you caring about him. Work on your confidence and forget him, you are worth it.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's a pity. I bought a nice evening dress for the reception .

 

Hmm, maybe in terms of the wedding, I'll see what happens on the day before. We usually write the wedding card together and put our monetary gift inside. We pre-purchased some blank cards a while ago, so I'll see if he texts to offer to write my name on it. If that is the case, it may be okay to attend. Otherwise, I'll write my own card and send it off to the newly weds with my blessings.

 

Dude, you really need to drop this attending the wedding idea. It's simply horrible. Respect the break. Send the bride and groom a wedding present if you must, but no no no no no no no to attending the wedding. It's an insane idea.

 

And if you really gave him money for this house, smh. There are so many oddities and red flags going on. While I think the concept of a "break" is ludicrous, if you are going to have one, it should be a week tops. 4-6 weeks sounds like he's test-driving a breakup, seeing how it handles before he completely cuts the cord.

 

Either way, attending the wedding is a ridiculously bad idea. It's his family, you're on a break, back off.

[sandylee1]

Why buy a house with a guy when you haven't had a proposal and you won't live in the house until you're married. It doesn't make any sense at all.

 

Like you, I wouldn't live with my bf before marriage . I refused to buy a house with him till we got married and he wanted to because of increasing house prices.

 

That joke about getting married at 40 or 50 is no joke. He's nowhere near ready for marriage.

[sandylee1]

That's a pity. I bought a nice evening dress for the reception .

 

 

Just ask if he'd like you to attend. What's the worse he could say?

If you just don't turn up, he could say he was expecting you to attend and you let him down.

 

Once the day has gone, you won't be able to get that chance back.

 

Don't assume he doesn't want you there. Assumptions can be costly, believe me.

[not-a-drive-by]

I've been bawling my eyes out. Reading these replies, there doesn't seem to be a good ending. I feel like I should ask whether he wants to break up now. Like, ask him to clarify whether this is a break for things to cool down and talk again, or a break to re-evaluate whether we should be in a relationship? I feel like I'm going crazy going through this in my head.

 

As for the house, we've split everything 50%. Furnishing, mortgage, everything. My name is on the deed as well. We'll lose a lot of money if we sell the house now, due to taxes and the value of the home would not have increased that much. We spent quite a bit on it, since we both liked it. We've both used all our savings.

Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by

[ZiggyZoo]

Look, no offense to sandylee1, but I hope you disregard that advice. Pay attention to the fact that's it's one person saying to go, and everybody else who took the time to respond saying otherwise. Myself included. He asked for space, respect that and don't go.

 

I'd suggest looking around on here and seeing what others in your situation have done, but I'm going to save you some time and give you the likeliest scenario, as I've observed from others' experiences. OK, so you go to the wedding (you're probably going to anyway, nobody ever listens when advised to stay away when contact is at least slightly justified). You show up, he wasn't expecting you, since it's his family, and things are immediately awkward. You spend the entire time wondering if you should say something, and finally do. It doesn't go nearly as well as you hoped, and he's pissed and you're hurt. This causes him to finally end things, citing your attendance at the wedding and not obeying his wishes for a "break" as reasons to end it.

 

That's just one scenario, but it is the most common one. Please listen to us, most of us have been where you are, and are just trying to save you as much heartbreak as possible. I'd say assume this is the end, and start planning accordingly.

 

Oh, and I never thought that my ex-husband was the cheating type either, but he proved me wrong. Seven years and three girls together, and I ignored the signs too. Protect yourself.

[Simon Phoenix]

I've been bawling my eyes out. Reading these replies, there doesn't seem to be a good ending. I feel like I should ask whether he wants to break up now. Like, ask him to clarify whether this is a break for things to cool down and talk again, or a break to re-evaluate whether we should be in a relationship? I feel like I'm going crazy going through this in my head.

 

As for the house, we've split everything 50%. Furnishing, mortgage, everything. My name is on the deed as well. We'll lose a lot of money if we sell the house now, due to taxes and the value of the home would not have increased that much. We spent quite a bit on it, since we both liked it. We've both used all our savings.

 

Why you bought a house with a person prior to marrying that person (or even getting a proposal from that person) I have no idea. That being said, don't break the No Contact. He requested it, it's up to him to break it.

 

And I concur with ZiggyZoo on avoiding the sandylee advice. If he wanted you at that wedding, he'd follow up with you about it. I'm assuming he hasn't.

[BC1980]

As for the house, we've split everything 50%. Furnishing, mortgage, everything. My name is on the deed as well. We'll lose a lot of money if we sell the house now, due to taxes and the value of the home would not have increased that much. We spent quite a bit on it, since we both liked it. We've both used all our savings.

 

Legally, I don't know if you can recoup any money from the furnishings. If your name is on the house, you should be able to do something about that. I don't know what exactly, but it seems like you should be able to do something. It's pretty obvious he has no intention of marriage, so why add your name to the deed? Maybe he saw some gain in doing so at the time and later changed his mind. Why you would put all of your savings into a house that you can't live in is beyond me, but please don't do that again.

[not-a-drive-by]

Why you bought a house with a person prior to marrying that person (or even getting a proposal from that person) I have no idea. That being said, don't break the No Contact. He requested it, it's up to him to break it.

 

And I concur with ZiggyZoo on avoiding the sandylee advice. If he wanted you at that wedding, he'd follow up with you about it. I'm assuming he hasn't.

No, he hasn't followed up. I don't think either of us thought about the upcoming wedding. Maybe it's too early for him to bring up, i don't know. We haven't seen each other for a week, and haven't been speaking for 4 days.

 

It felt right at the time. We did agree that if for whatever reason that our relationship didn't work out, we'd sell the house. I'm not too concerned about getting my share back. It's just that we'd lose money and not gain any profit in such a short term. We don't have much furnishings yet. When we signed the contract, we did make sure that if anything happened, it'd be 50/50. Who knew it would be this soon? If we break up, I don't think I can have another relationship for a long time.

 

ZiggyZoo, you're right. I have gone through those possibilities in my head. Which brings me to, should I text him today and say something like,

 

"hey babe, I've been reflecting on what happened last week, and I'm ready to have a chat. If you have had enough time to cool down, what do you think of meeting on Friday to sit and talk about what has been happening? If you feel that this Friday is too soon, perhaps the week after? I'd like to work things out between us, as I believe it's a hurdle we need to get through together. I'd prefer meeting in person to discuss, as texting or talking on the phone can lead to misunderstandings on both sides."

 

4 to 6 weeks is just too long. It feels like we're avoiding the situation rather than dealing with it. What I've learnt in my last relationship is, if a person has made up their mind to break up with you, there's no changing their mind. In this case, we're avoiding the inevitable. What difference does no contact make, if he's already made up his mind? The sooner I find out, the sooner I can have a clean break and start grieving properly. By not talking for 4-6 weeks, I feel I've been daggled by my feet, waiting for him to reel me in or drop me.

Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by

[sandylee1]

OP - sorry you're feeling so low. I can understand how you feel.

 

I stand by what I say regardless of being in the minority and I'm as entiltled to my opinion as is everyone on this. This is a guy she's bought a house with. You can state your opinion, without disregarding mine.

 

I speak from experience of being in a similar situation many years ago. It wasn't 'an official break', but we'd had a massive argument before a wedding.

 

My BF assumed I wouldn't want him there, as he was my plus one. He was wrong, I absolutely wanted him with me and wouldn't have been happy to go without him.

 

All situations differ of course.

 

Alternatively, let him know you won't be attending, as you're 'on a break'. You'll know where you stand from his response or lack of response. With the tension between you, I can't see you'd enjoy yourself there anyway, but just not turning up or cancelling without his knowledge, when the invite came via him wouldn't be my way of handling it.

 

You don't buy a house with someone to get messed around like this. If he wants out of the relationship, sell the house and be done with him. You got way too entangled without a commitment from him.

 

OP, you say your parents are conservative, so what did they think of you buying a house, with no proposal or any real planto get married?

 

Because I know my parents would have told me I'm being used.

[sandylee1]

The sooner I find out, the sooner I can have a clean break and start grieving proper. By not talking for 4-6 weeks, I feel I've been daggled by my feet, waiting for him to reel me in or drop me.

 

Don't let him keep you dangling like this.

 

I know you're not too fussed about the money, but your paying 50 % of a mortgage, for a house you don't live in. Not wanting to make you feel worse but it sounds like he's got it made.

 

You guys could break up, then he moves in with a new GF and your paying half the mortgage. Do you see how messed up that is?

 

You said you are of Asian origin, is your BF of the same origin? I only ask because if so, he would have a better insight on how your family will view this.