Girl sleeps over, but sleeps on the floor (both of us in relationships)

[LifeExperiences]

Something strange happened to me recently and I'd love to hear some opinions on this as I can't quite wrap my head around it.

 

Me:

I'm in a relationship (the girl who slept over knew that), pretty happy with my gf, but sometimes I meet other women and can't help but develop feelings for them, too. I'm a scumbag, but haven't really (only emotionally) cheated yet.

 

The girl who slept over:

She's a few years younger than me, also in a relationship (I knew that). Somewhat Christian, conservative, dresses that way as well. She's fairly shy as well.

 

Our relationship until the sleeping over:

Met a few months ago, went out in a group, some physical touching and flirting, but no sex nor kissing. Since the girl lives hours away, we haven't seen each other in weeks and have only had more or less loose text contact. We are not best buddies or anything.

She barely mentioned her bf to me as well.

 

Before her coming over:

I had asked her to come visit my town via text, she was up for it but looking for a good reason (probably because of her bf). She also wanted to meet other friends in my town, too.

She ultimately decided to come and asked me if she could stay at my place for a night. I said yes but told her I didnt have any additional couches or so (hint hint).

She also suggested we could go out in the evening together, or just watch a movie together (hint hint - that's what I thought at least).

 

The evening:

She comes over, we have a good time, have dinner together, a bottle of wine etc., talk for a bit. Eventually, she suggests (again) to watch a movie and we do just that in my bed. Really on top of the bed, fully clothed.

Note that she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend ONCE nor my girlfriend.

 

We watch the movie, sit pretty closely, our sides and arms touch. Eventually, I put my arm around her, my hand caressing her shoulder/side/back. She doesn't mind, move away, make up any excuses or anything. She seems comfortable and we also chat during the movie, have some wine etc. Again, atmosphere is good.

 

Since she doesn't touch me with her hands (nor directly snuggle up to me) or so, I don't want to scare her and don't kiss her or anything. I thought it'd be better to just cuddle a bit at first in bed.

 

But once the movie is over, she unwraps a sleeping bag and insists on sleeping on the floor. No mat or anything. I offered her the bed etc., but she (nicely) insisted. Eventually, she gets changed for sleeping (bathroom) and "casually" (haha) brings up her boyfriend for the first time that evening. We talk quite a bit more while lying down, same in the morning, but nothing happens and she leaves the next day.

 

 

---------------------------

 

 

Can someone riddle me this? How does something like this even happen?

 

Was this girl really "innocent" enough to think that with both of us in relationships she could just normally sleep over as if it was nothing? Did she think I'm just her best buddy, despite us not knowing each other that well?

 

Why was she okay with watching a movie (even suggested it), my arm around her, yet wouldn't even sleep in the same bed when I (eventually) even promised I would "behave" myself?

 

Did nothing happen because I messed up? Did I move too slowly? Was she never intending to "do" anything with me?

[elaine567]

As she had come prepared with her sleeping bag, and was not giving off any other signals, I guess she was never intending "doing" any thing other with you, than spend the night there.

I guess next time she will go out with her friends and say to you, "You don't mind if I crash at your place, do you LifeExperiences, just like I did the last time? I'll be no bother, I've got my sleeping bag"

 

Some attached women get very comfortable and relaxed with attached guys, as they do not see them as someone who just wants to get laid, like other men.

BUT in your case she is obviously wrong, isn't she?

[LifeExperiences]

As she had come prepared with her sleeping bag, and was not giving off any other signals, I guess she was never intending "doing" any thing other with you, than spend the night there.

I guess next time she will go out with her friends and say to you, "You don't mind if I crash at your place, do you LifeExperiences, just like I did the last time? I'll be no bother, I've got my sleeping bag"

 

Some attached women get very comfortable and relaxed with attached guys, as they do not see them as someone who just wants to get laid, like other men.

BUT in your case she is obviously wrong, isn't she?

Well, I'm not just looking to get laid tbh. But I can't help but enjoy the emotional and physical connection to a woman, if it comes into play.

 

A few things don't really fit together though:

 

-- even if she was 100% comfortable around me as just a friend, is it really normal to stay over at another guy's place, one-on-one, when you have a bf? It may be different if youve been childhood friends, but...

 

-- if she was 100% comfortable around me, why not just sleep on the bed (in her sleeping bag) next to me then?

 

-- our "history": last time we met, we went out as a group and my hands were all over her back, arms, even belly, we constantly encouraged each other to drink and she touched me, too. If you had this kind of experience with a guy, would you really see him as just a relaxed friend?

 

-- she never brought up her BF nor my GF in all of our texts or all evening, until directly before going to sleep. Not even once. Not even, "oh yeah, my bf likes sports too" or "I need to check with my bf if I can stay over" or "what's your gf doing tonight" or something. Nothing.

 

-- even *if* you are comfortable around someone, is it honestly acceptable or normal behaviour to lie on a bed, watching a movie with another guy at his place, with his arm around you and not do anything about it, even when he asks you if you mind? It's not like it would've been difficult for her to go to the bathroom and then sit slightly differently next time. Or just complain about it being uncomfortable for her back etc

 

It just doesn't really fit together

[Art_Critic]

-- even if she was 100% comfortable around me as just a friend, is it really normal to stay over at another guy's place, one-on-one, when you have a bf? It may be different if youve been childhood friends, but...

 

She came with a sleeping bag.. in essence her own bed..

 

-- if she was 100% comfortable around me, why not just sleep on the bed (in her sleeping bag) next to me then?

 

Because she has a BF....

 

as far as the rest of the stuff.. let it go.. she didn't seem to do anything to lead you on.. sometimes you just have to stop looking at something and just enjoy it..

[LifeExperiences]

as far as the rest of the stuff.. let it go.. she didn't seem to do anything to lead you on.. sometimes you just have to stop looking at something and just enjoy it..

thanks for the advice, but I don't really understand what you mean.

 

Could you elaborate?

 

it just seems to me that this sort of indirect/unsure stuff happens to me all the time (even before being in a relationship): people act one way, then another way and I just cannot wrap my head around it.

 

If she just saw me as 100% friendzone material, why not just be direct about it? Don't drink alcohol, don't watch a movie together in bed or at least bring up her bf a couple of times to clear things up.

There don't have to be any awkward conversations.

 

But these kinds of mixed signals simply mess with my head.

 

For the sake of my own sanity, learning from my experiences and moving forward, I'd like to know if she saw me as just 100% buddy-material who she never expected to do anything with or if it was more of a case of somewhat attracted to, but not doing anything because of morals/bf/being conservative etc. If it was the former, I'd feel even worse about myself for various reasons. One of them being that I maybe made her feel uncomfortable by "pushing" too much and another that my ability to judge other people's actions/emotions is just downright TERRIBLE

Edited May 31, 2015 by LifeExperiences

[endlessabyss]

OP!

 

 

Are you upset you didn't get to get in those jeans?

 

 

Sounds like you are giving this a lot of thought.

 

 

Maybe her consciousness kicked in, and she did go down the route the majority of slutty girls go down.

 

 

Why not just let in be? There is nothing to think about. Don't you have a girlfriend? Why not invest in her?

[LifeExperiences]

OP!

 

 

Are you upset you didn't get to get in those jeans?

 

 

Sounds like you are giving this a lot of thought.

I'm not upset about that. Tbh, I never found the girl in question that physically attractive, it was more of a mental thing (as it often is for me).

 

What I'm upset about is a lack of clarity, but especially my apparent inability to properly judge people and/or situations.

 

That's why I am asking for some feedback by others so I can actually try to learn from my experiences, grow stronger and move forward.

 

Right now it seems to me that most of my "girl stories" are plagued by a saddening lack of clarity or anything, only leaving me more and more confused as time goes on and I become older. I feel like I'm unable to learn from my experiences, which I find quite sad.

 

That's why I would appreciate some more opinions and some actual feedback on what happened to me here.

[anna121]

Um. It doesn't get more clear than bringing her own sleeping bag. That pretty much negates every single thing that happened before.

 

It seems you were quite ready to cheat on your gf, and she wasn't ready to cheat on her bf.

 

The touching you describe is not sexual, there was no kissing and she slept on the floor.

 

Seems like a pretty UNmixed message to me!

[LifeExperiences]

Um. It doesn't get more clear than bringing her own sleeping bag. That pretty much negates every single thing that happened before.

 

It seems you were quite ready to cheat on your gf, and she wasn't ready to cheat on her bf.

 

The touching you describe is not sexual, there was no kissing and she slept on the floor.

 

Seems like a pretty UNmixed message to me!

So you think it is 100% normal and acceptable if someone in a relationship sleeps over one-on-one at another guy's place (who the girl doesnt know very well), has wine with him there, watches a movie with the guy on his bed, with his arm around her? And all that with a guy with whom she already flirted in the past?

 

I mean, Idk about you, but for most people that'd be reason enough to break up with their SO.

 

If those are not mixed signals (note that she only took out the sleeping bag at like midnight), then I apparently have no idea about human interaction and am probably autistic.

 

the big question for me is: why'd she send all of these signals if she saw me as a buddy only?

 

Why go all that way and do things that most sane boyfriendss would break up with her for (even just the watching a movie etc.) if she saw me as 100% platonic?

[elaine567]

So you think it is 100% normal and acceptable if someone in a relationship sleeps over one-on-one at another guy's place (who the girl doesnt know very well), has wine with him there, watches a movie with the guy on his bed, with his arm around her? And all that with a guy with whom she already flirted in the past?

 

I mean, Idk about you, but for most people that'd be reason enough to break up with their SO.

 

If those are not mixed signals (note that she only took out the sleeping bag at like midnight), then I apparently have no idea about human interaction and am probably autistic.

 

the big question for me is: why'd she send all of these signals if she saw me as a buddy only?

 

Why go all that way and do things that most sane boyfriendss would break up with her for (even just the watching a movie etc.) if she saw me as 100% platonic?

 

YOU are assuming every interaction with a woman is all about sex.

For some women it is all about sex too, they have no real guy friends, just people they sleep with or date, but for some women, guys are either bfs or just guys they hang about with.

The fact she brought a sleeping bag I guess means you are one of those she just hangs about with. I guess she knows you want more, but she is playing it cool and ignoring it, because she probably just doesn't want to go there. She made no positive movement toward your physical advances.

She has a bf, you have a gf, she likes your company, but that's about it I guess.

[stillafool]

I don't see where she did anything but drink some wine and watch a movie. You were the one who put your arm around her and maybe she didn't really like it but went with it. At any rate she made sure she didn't sleep near you.

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't like you enough and isn't attracted to you enough to jeopardize her relationship by getting physical with you. Simple as that.

[endlessabyss]

From a guys perspective, it definitely sounds like the OP has caught some feelings, and he is a little bothered that this girl didn't cave in to carnal desires.

 

 

This, to me, falls under the category, you want what you can't have, and OP couldn't have this girl he was attracted to, subsequently, making him attracted to her more.

 

 

There is no way to rationalize around it.

 

 

I would suggest that you just break up with this girlfriend of yours, but it is most likely she has cheated on you in the past, or will in the future, so I am moot on that situation.

 

 

OP, let it go buddy. You're overanalyzing this; she wasn't into you. I've let girls touch me on dates, where I was repulsed by them once I got to know them, but I just let them keep touching until I found my escape.

 

 

There are many reasons she may have let you keep 'cuddling" with her, but everything else, the wine, the dinner, all that doesn't suggest any interest beyond a friend.

 

 

Sorry.

[LifeExperiences]

Well, it seems like I need to re-evaluate my ability to judge other people, their behaviour and their intentions then.

 

Apparently I must be autistic or even a downright sociopath, seeing that I am unable to interpret basic human interaction.

 

It seems that in the year 2015, it is completely normal and acceptable and just a sign of normal acquaintance behaviour to stay the night at a guy's place and watch a movie in his bed, happily (?) accepting his arm around your back and saying it's fine, even when the guy in question asks you several times if he should remove it.

 

Apparently none of that is even the slightest sign of any sort of emotional or physical basic attraction to another person (although obviously not of deep love/desire and of course held back by morals/wish not to cheat), and instead only something people do just for the heck of it, w/o thinking anything about it.

 

Alrighty then.

[smackie9]

She is using you as her cuddle bich, to get what she isn't getting from her BF. Either her BF works a lot, is long distance, or she is bored, and is hungry for attention. The attention you give her is addicting so she tries to get around the infidelity, by not being sexual with you. Since you haven't been direct with her about your intentions, she is going to keep her boundaries, and take the attention you give her. You are being a fool. You are not going to get this girl to have sex with you, so stop wasting your time with these games.

[Art_Critic]

can I ask why you didn't try to bang her then ?.. you were the other half of this equation and let it all happen so your thoughts would also go into finding your answer.. you have a GF right ?

[Jessie1231]

Obviously you weren't very clear with her either. You had her over thinking that you'd sleep together from the way you describe it, but you never explained that to her. Had you explained your intentions, I doubt she would have ended up at your house.

 

Maybe she isn't willing to cheat on her boyfriend and thought (incorrectly) that you were the faithful type also.

 

I suggest you explain to her that you feel if someone goes to your house, she should be planning on sex. Explain that to her, and let her decide whether she wants to spend the night again.

[smackie9]

can I ask why you didn't try to bang her then ?.. you were the other half of this equation and let it all happen so your thoughts would also go into finding your answer.. you have a GF right ?

 

I'd like to addmy two cents to this....because he is a coward. Doesn't have the guts to breakup with his GF but instead would rather cheat on her with no conscience. Doesn't have the

guts to tell this girl his true intentions. He just hopes she will drop into his lap so he can say it was all her fault, she came onto him and wanted sex. Too much of a coward to be accountable for his actions.

[LifeExperiences]

You guys must've misunderstood something. At no point was I thinking of seriously having any sort of close/permanent relationship with the "girl who came over". She lives hours away from here and I might very well not see her again.

 

I wasn't desperate to get some sex from her, either. If I was into that I'd just go for some online "dating". In fact, it's not like I even find her that attractive in the first place (physically speaking).

 

All that happened is that we met a while ago, had good chemistry (so I thought) and I thought (haha) that it might be fun if she came over to my place. She did, and considering our flirty history, I thought something "might" happen, even if it was only making out. This was further confirmed by her behaviour that night, such as sitting close to me, being completely happy with watching a movie together and such.

 

Considering this history, her sudden change in behaviour (from my POV) caught me off guard. But honestly more as a disappointment in myself and my own ability to judge other people's intentions. Something this surprising never happened to me with another girl.

 

Of course I was (and still am a bit) salty. Of course I overanalysed the whole thing - I always do that. Of course my ego is hurt. But that's about all there is to it. Call me a bastard or scumbag, but my "romantic feelings" for that girl have never been particularly strong. The blow to the ego does hurt, though.

 

No need to get worked up.

[Spectre]

Okay this girl is shady. This girl has a boyfriend, and is off having wine with you and watching movies with you in your bed? Oh, but she brought a sleeping bag! Because obviously she wouldn't want do anything inappropriate, right?

 

So here is the thing, you say you don't want her, but even if you did I would say RUN. Also, you were watching movies in bed with another chick. Your gf deserves better, that is shady too.

 

Maybe she isn't willing to cheat on her boyfriend and thought (incorrectly) that you were the faithful type also.

 

Not willing to cheat, but apparently willing to spend the night alone with another man sipping wine and watching movies with him in his bed. Sorry, it's just your comment apparently was just chiding the OP, but both him and this girl were in the wrong.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Spectre

[LifeExperiences]

^^Agreed.

 

I do think many replies in here are just the typical response to what is considered bad behaviour (cheating), i.e. people telling me off instead of actually judging the situation objectively.

 

Ultimately, I do think she was attracted to me on some level and probably enjoyed the physical contact but she also didn't want to outright cheat, so she took some precautions. However, I'm pretty sure it wasn't just 100% "innocent" behaviour.

[Trimmer]

Apparently I must be autistic or even a downright sociopath, seeing that I am unable to interpret basic human interaction.

 

It seems that in the year 2015, it is completely normal and acceptable and just a sign of normal acquaintance behaviour to stay the night at a guy's place and watch a movie in his bed, happily (?) accepting his arm around your back and saying it's fine, even when the guy in question asks you several times if he should remove it.

 

Apparently none of that is even the slightest sign of any sort of emotional or physical basic attraction to another person (although obviously not of deep love/desire and of course held back by morals/wish not to cheat), and instead only something people do just for the heck of it, w/o thinking anything about it.

 

Alrighty then.

Oh please - you sound like a butthurt drama queen.... it's very unbecoming.

 

 

I do think many replies in here are just the typical response to what is considered bad behaviour (cheating), i.e. people telling me off instead of actually judging the situation objectively.

 

Ultimately, I do think she was attracted to me on some level and probably enjoyed the physical contact but she also didn't want to outright cheat, so she took some precautions. However, I'm pretty sure it wasn't just 100% "innocent" behaviour.

Ok, you want objective judgment: doesn't that more-or-less describe your behavior as well? Attracted to her "on some level", enjoyed the physical contact, but unwilling to outright cheat, so you took some precautions. In her case, it was bringing the sleeping bag, in your case, it was not pushing too hard to seal the deal.

 

I think it's a bit mystifying that you question her behavior so intensely when yours was effectively quite similar.

[elaine567]

A guy with a gf doesn't invite women over to his place to watch a movie ON HIS BED unless he had something else in mind.

Your own words - "I'm a scumbag, but haven't really (only emotionally) cheated yet."

 

As you said she is shy, Christian and conservative AND she brought a sleeping bag.

She may never have considered that the movie watching was going to be on the bed.

As someone else said, many of us who are shy, have also put up with a degree of unwanted touching, when we felt uncomfortable standing up for ourselves in certain situations.

 

Seems to me the spider had the fly in his web, but the fly somehow managed to cleverly extricate herself.

The spider is left with a rumbling tum and is left wondering what went wrong with his plan for dinner...

[PegNosePete]

I'm a scumbag, but haven't really (only emotionally) cheated yet.

Does your GF agree that you haven't cheated physically yet? If you told her the truth about this evening, I strongly think you will find yourself dumped so fast she'll have to FedEx your shadow back to you.

 

Dude you need to split up with your girlfriend before you go chasing other women. And then, don't go chasing other women who have boyfriends.

 

This is basic respect. But even if you don't care about that, care about this. If you play with fire you're going to get burned.

[almond]

Bad behaviour from both of you. I hope your partners find out, dump the pair of you, and move on to less shady pastures.

 

 

Disgustingly disrespectful. Grow up.