Need to get this out

[Kronos]

Hey people. Sorry for storming in blatantly and as a first post this "essay". But I've been reading a while here and want to do my story and hopefully get it a bit more of my chest since it really bothers me at the moment. Lately I'm going through emotions of feeling used, did I do the right thing, was she ever serious, stupid, like a whiner sometimes ...

 

The thing is upfront, I have never been good at getting relationships or letting go of relationships. But my last one sets a new record for being on my mind day in day out. I have known this girl for about 7 to 8 years. The first time I saw her, I still remember how she walks in the place...thought wow!....only to see her then boyfriend walk after her.....So shrugged it off and made a friendly conversation. No big deal at the time. I wasn not unhappy when they broke off. Time passed and I got into a group that evolved to buddies, her included. Day in day out I was hoping for a sign she likes me...but it never came. Why I never took a step is because I was having some serious self-esteem issues at the time.

 

But as time went by we got closer on a friends basis. Or at least I somehow hoped, thought... I feel I missed so many warning signs back then already.... endless nights talking about her problems and her past big loves. Or that her own brother would leave her alone countless times somewhere in the middle of the night after a party....I came, brought her back home by bike or walking. Sun, rain, snow, storm....didn't matter to me. On the other hand she never truly asked me to parties, help me with something, have a talk about my general life-feelings.

 

Then I also had to put up with her next boyfriend, the next one after and next... And her stories & feelings about it. It hurt man. Topping it off (short story coming) was a friend of mine got invloved with a girl. They eventually married. He was on OK friend to me back then but a total arse to women. The type of guy women fall for but if you look closely you see he is just a player. But some women fall for it and thought 'not my problem'. Things got bad when I saw how he treated his wife. Seeking contact from other women constantly, putting her down. I tried talking sense into him but didn't work offcourse. But still kept loyal to him as a friend. He somehow had feelings too sometimes, and I knew him way longer then his wife. They eventually divorced. And I still had this girl on my mind. I had build-up a fairytale how she is so cute, innocent, a victim...Imagine how I felt when this friend told me who he got a quick **** with over the weekend........with her offcourse. The girl that would never be a slut, just maybe not the smartest in her choices. Even more stingy, we were all at the wedding of the particular friend. She knew his ex-wife intimately....

 

And after that her next boyfriend which she only dated.....again a sting. But hold on.... somehow the pain was still not enough for me. I was in for more (God while I'm typing this I feel so stupid). After some time I got involved with her...we came together. Finally after all these years my wishes had been answered. I was really happy! There was always something between us. The way we talked, the way we danced, laughed.....there was serious chemistry in the years before.

 

So we had some deep talks because I had questions about her past. I wondered why she never saw me as THE guy, but all the others she did. I wanted to know what happened with that friend that she got laid by, wanted to know why and close it. Thing is, I regularly made jokes about people cheating that say "it just happened". I always wondered if that meant tripping over somebodies feet and suddenly have a **** in your ****? Well, this is what literally happened with them. I also got to know she didn't take any. No condom too, while screwing with a guy that lays women by the fleet... I only got to know this after we already had been intimate, but yeah I feel my fault too. Should have known better (ran to the doctor to get an STD test afterwards, luckily nothing).

 

Then she told me, she was on a second date with this guy. There she got raped by him. I truly felt sorry for her, and I still do. Suffice to say me and this guy (the one with the ex-wife) weren't anything close to friends anymore.

I knew all the details of it. As the only one that knew what really happened and she never wanted me to discuss it with anyone else. It was a stone around my neck. Her brother was still seeing this rapist guy, friends of ours where still seeing him becuase they didn't know what happened.

 

Eventually I broke it off with her after 2 months or so. That is 2 years ago now. THe reasons were mainly that she didn't make anything out of her life, no ambition, being passive-agressive, totally dependent on me, didn't accept help. What I however was good for was driving her places, having these endless talks about her past (family wise), giving a distraction. I at that time was seeking professional help before we started being together. I was feeling better because of it, but she just found it weak. I eventually not wanted to talk about it anymore, felt unsupported.

 

So I broke it off, she wanted to be friends. I not. But that would have meant losing all my friends from this group which wasn't worth it. So we saw each other at a festival first time after the breakup. First thing I hear from her that it is starting to rain and she will go find a guy to keep her warm during that period...... But still I kept it friendly. And truth be told I was hoping to get back with her if she would just accept some help from a pro and not magicians. I felt she was a bitch, but underneath her dark clouds there is something really nice worth waiting for. This went on, she wanted to be friends, ok me too but when I would be at a mutual friends place she would tell me these are her friends and I'm an unwelcome invader in her life....dafuq.... Well I once again jumped over my shadow and discussed this with her, tears in my eyes and all. Well the hurting didn't stop. Countless times she teasingly looked at me, next moment tell me "I think you should be together with this and this girl" even though she knew they weren't my taste. I also was still good enough to drive her to places. Or I suggest something, one moment she says yeah let's go (imagine me as a happy puppy), when it's the day before "sorry no, can't go" countless times.

 

A few months ago in January or Februari I asked her out a few times. It always was a short no sorry, busy. It somehow made click in my head and I decided to minimize contact and brake it off with her. In the meantime some messages came in with how are you doing etc.... But I always kept it short, I am doing fine (really). On one night again at a mutual friend of ours we met, she asked me if there is something wrong. I was hellbent on ignoring that she was there for my own piece of mind that night and the future. I actually wanted to tell her that I never wanted to see her again, got that out but wanted to say more to the past years. Got interrupted because some tard came in between which she manipulated to drop her off at home eventually and what else.

 

Now, it's been a few months of no contact. Only saw her once at a birthday party of her brother were we stayed the night. It was hard, but I totally ignored her no matter how close she came and had a great time going out that night. I still hear from friends she asks about me, but actually I rather hear nothing from her. Which is actually the reason why I write this now. After I broke off contact she rather quickly got involved and got together with some dude. Perhaps I should feel sorry for him. Friends are telling me she is doing better, opening up etc.... But it hurts right now. Thinking what they are doing etc.....going out......having party....***.

 

If I recap, this is nothing I deserved and a pity it wen't this way. I can not lie. I still truly, deeply love her for now. But I feel used, filthy for being with her and above all I regret the time and energy spent in her, of which I know there must be someone waaay better that deserved it. The sleepless nights lately, thinking about her when I'm on a business trips somehwere and wishing I could be there together with her and show her this nice place. My mind totaly knows she doesn't deserve me. My heart is getting there but still some way to go. And I somehow don't know how to do this last step

[Reels]

You have any hope that you will have her back?

[Zetec]

Life is full of good and bad experiences. After reading your post, it is clear that this has been a bad experience for you. What's important is identifying the bad, learning from it and moving onto better things to create good experiences in the future.

 

From what you've said, you seem like a nice guy, that didn't do a lot wrong (apart from giving this girl so much of your time, effort and attention). That's a positive to take, believing that one day a girl (who is very different to your ex) will fully appreciate that, and also do nice things for you in return. It seems it was you doing all the giving (being her personal taxi, listening to her problems etc) whilst she was giving nothing to you or the relationship.

 

When I read your post, to be honest it felt like I was reading the script to a television drama. This girl is bad news, and whilst I appreciate how much being raped must have effected her, you really do not need someone like that in your life.

 

She will continue to run from man to man, as it seems that is the kind of person that she is. Don't be that soppy, desperate guy that she can fall back on to, until she finds someone else. Because that's what she's doing. Just leave her to mess up her own life, and get on with yours. In my opinion, don't be her friend. If she really was a friend, and valued your friendship, she wouldn't treat you like she has.

[Kronos]

You have any hope that you will have her back?

 

That is a tough question. If the question is will she want me back? Could be yes, since I somehow feel there was still something between us. She would get all smiling and shaky in a positive way when I touched her. For instance when dancing on a night out. She still inquires about me as people around tell me (I don't ask them to tell me). But I also know she has a lot of false pride in her, and anger that she would use against me. She is the type of person that like will say "No!" just to agonize you even if it clearly would be better to say yes.

 

For me, honestly my mind says definetely no, I do not want her back. As I was typing this yesterday it was endless. There is almost nothing positive to tell about the past years. I only wasted my time on someone that does not deserve it.

 

But my heart is really struggling to let go. It is totally illogical, like she is some kind of drug. I am still looking for that insight which makes it go "click" and start to not care about her, but more about myself.

 

Life is full of good and bad experiences. After reading your post, it is clear that this has been a bad experience for you. What's important is identifying the bad, learning from it and moving onto better things to create good experiences in the future.

 

From what you've said, you seem like a nice guy, that didn't do a lot wrong (apart from giving this girl so much of your time, effort and attention). That's a positive to take, believing that one day a girl (who is very different to your ex) will fully appreciate that, and also do nice things for you in return. It seems it was you doing all the giving (being her personal taxi, listening to her problems etc) whilst she was giving nothing to you or the relationship.

 

When I read your post, to be honest it felt like I was reading the script to a television drama. This girl is bad news, and whilst I appreciate how much being raped must have effected her, you really do not need someone like that in your life.

 

She will continue to run from man to man, as it seems that is the kind of person that she is. Don't be that soppy, desperate guy that she can fall back on to, until she finds someone else. Because that's what she's doing. Just leave her to mess up her own life, and get on with yours. In my opinion, don't be her friend. If she really was a friend, and valued your friendship, she wouldn't treat you like she has.

 

Thanks for the positive words! Yes it is like a tv drama, the more I am writing about it the more I am ashamed of myself that I let it go this far. I know a relationship can be different, had wway mor serious relathionships then this one. Only 1 was really ****ty (First love) but got over that relatively quickly. The others, not ideal but nothing like described above. No drama's, warm, loving, reciprocal and generally had a good time. Therefore I do not understand myself why it is hurting me so bad since 2 damn years where I put my own romantic life on the backburner.

 

I must say, writing here & talking about it to friends since recently does seem to have an effect (I generally am not so open, perhaps part of the problem). Today I went at work from seriously sleep deprived and sadness to anger, sadness and so on. But just before I had a moment in my heart of not caring about it anymore. Is so hope this will come more often!

[kasop]

This reminds me of an ex I once had about 2 years ago. She lied, cheated on me twice, used me for everything. I took her back twice and then she dumped me lol. I can laugh about it now because i was such a pushover. It took me months to get over her, to clear my head and really look at what had been going on for what it is. Anyways a year went by and she wanted to meet up and hang out and i agreed to. When i hung out with her i noticed she hadnt changed a bit and i got the **** out of there. Give it some time for u to move on and clear your head. Then you will see her for what she is. Itll even make u feel silly for getting involved with a train wreck like that. But sometimes thats how we learn lol. Goodluck buddy

[Kronos]

Yeah, you're right. She is a train wreck. I feel used by her, rejected. After having gone through all this **** and now this....

 

The week started really bad, had to go to the doctor to get me some meds so I can clear my head from all these emotions and get some sleep. It was relaxing, maybe too relaxing in regards to my job. But I needed it.

 

However when I wake up I do miss her. I find myself so silly at times. I honestly still can not think about anything good about her. The only thing she has going for it is a lovely face. The rest, body, mind and soul are not worthy talking about. Still it,s the damn face of her I can't get out of my mind.

 

I wonder why I am talking and letting my emotions flow at the doctor for what happened to her, why I really work on myself and she not...Why the hell I have to take these damn meds... And how could I be so blind. Why she enrages me but I still can not hate her...

 

Friends are really helping and making sure I get some distraction. Soon I go for a month to the other side of the world. I hope it will help. Though how did you or anyone else got completely over such an experience? I get sick whenever I hear the slightest word out her, her name or when I even think someone is in contact with her (which I will not in any way forbid or sabotage, their life). Let alone when I would see her possibly witht the new guy. I think my heart would miss a few beats. How did any of you experience this? Got some tips? Except making sure I will not meet her any way, which I try, but life eh....

[Satu]

Rather than love, I see only a highly dysfunctional attachment/obsession.

 

There is literally nothing healthy about this.

 

Find a therapist, and implement strict No Contact.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

Edited June 7, 2015 by Satu

[Kronos]

Satu, thanks for your reply. Your reply about it being unhealthy, bad attachment and an obsession got me reading and thinking. I think you are right. Allthough I have never shown it outward to her or anyone else she is surely too much on my mind to call normal I think. I'm really wondering now if I mixed my love for her with obsession. Sure it was there once, but I somehow made an error on the way of letting her go and got stuck.

 

Regarding attachment, yeah there are situations coming to mind. She literally begging me to stay at her place, I just wanting to go. She would view it as if I would not want her if we wouldn't fall asleep knightly knit together, for me it was just to warm and don't like hair in my face. Having anxiety in the relationship...hm yeah we both had that. Both of our self-esteem was really low at the time. I tried to be too independent from her, while she would totally cling to me for reassurance... Ow man, all these funky situations.... (for which I hold myself accountable to a large degree)

 

I btw already did cut off contact to her in February since it wasn't doing me any good. I just hear through friends sometimes something unsollicited. Though I avoid these persons now that do not wish to respect my wish not talking about her in front of me. Coincidentally, those that do talk about her in front of me are a bit weird anyway. So no real loss there.

[Reels]

Thank you for explaining your feelings, I appreciate the way you did it. Find a new hobby or something where you can actually gain something, make sure that you are not going to waste your time anymore.