Exploring the psychology of being in affair....

[midlifewife]

I want to say in advance that this post/thread will not be for everyone. It's going to be long and it's coming from a married woman who is currently in an affair with a married man, and I'm going to be brutally honest about what I'm doing in an attempt to better understand and sort through things. As I'm thinking about what I want to write, I realized that a lot of what I'm going to say could apply to really any romantic relationship, not only A's. However, I felt like I had to post it here because of the content.

 

Nutshell version of my situation: Married 18+ yrs, lacking physical chemistry throughout. Feel like we should split, but I'm terrified of making such a huge change & worried about hurting H so bad. Waited too long to address & ended up in EA/somewhat PA with someone I met on [a dating site]. It is long distance, so we've only seen each other a couple times. We did have sex the first night (we had been chatting for a few weeks before meeting, and had instant chemistry/attraction), then nothing except kissing in subsequent meetings. It's been mostly texting throughout. I've really gotten to know him as person & care about him (probably too much) and he says the same. However, from the beginning I believe we've had unspoken agreement that this wasn't going to turn into some big love affair where we both leave our spouses. Our texting is both suggestive (not really explicit) as well as sweet, caring & supportive. He says his M is basically sexless (like mine), but he has no plans to leave (unlike me). He thinks he can live that way forever (he's only been M 10 yrs & is 7 yrs. younger than me, with younger children). The way we are now, I feel like what we have could go on indefinitely (but not that it necessarily will). I've thought about quitting him (at least temporarily) in order to figure out for sure what to do about my marriage, but don't know if I could really do that. This leads into my issues about this A....

 

1) Addiction: I can't believe how much it feels like an addiction/obsession. While we text nearly every day, and often several times a day (not non-stop though), if I don't hear from him for a while and don't know why, I get anxious and on edge. I get distracted from work, become very unproductive and practically stare at my phone. As soon as he texts, I feel incredibly relieved and happy (almost deliriously so) and can go on with my day. Getting that message is like a 'hit' and a really sweet/sexy message takes the 'high' up another notch. I have a friend who is going through almost my exact situation and we confide in each other. She totally gets it, and I'm sure many of the OW/MOW on here get it, too. The problem is, even though I understand objectively this as an addiction, I have no idea how to change it. I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to end it, and am worried about how I'd be able to handle him ending it. Since it's such an addiction, I know the withdrawals will be very hard to manage. I also realize that the addiction is probably related to the feeling/high more than it is related to this one person. I definitely know I need to do more therapy to work on this (have had addictive/obsessive tendencies before in various things), but just wanted to see if anyone here had had any success in moderating their addiction and being able to break free of some of the hold it has over you. I should also mention that I've been on anti-depressants for a number of years, and have both mild (manageable) depression & anxiety symptoms.

 

2) Want him to want me: As much as I can rationally see the A for what is it & fully realize that I can't possibly know what kind of person my AP is in real life (or even whether I'd like him so much if I knew), I have realized that deep-down, I would be thrilled for him to fall head over heels in love with me, want to leave his W and figure out a way for us to be together. It's so ridiculous that I even have a hard time writing it, but I've even thought about meeting his kids and being a great step-mom. I don't even know if I'd want that in reality (very possibly not), but there's something within me, something probably about ego/self-esteem that makes that scenario the ultimate fantasy with this whole thing. I know part of it is that I don't think I've ever had anyone THAT in love with me. I've never had a MUTUAL, strong intense attraction with someone. Maybe I want him to be as obsessed with me as I am with him. The funny thing is that a couple months ago, when he was having some difficult discussions with his W about the problems in their M, I advised him about ways he might be able to make things better with his M. I truly want him to be happy and I certainly don't want to encourage him to leave because of me (even though I would love the feeling if he did it on his own...I know, crazy!!). He did respond at that time, asking if it was bad that he didn't want things to get better because it would mean he wouldn't see me. That was at the same time kinda sad, yet made me feel amazingly good. I don't understand my need for this kind of validation. In other parts of my life, I am a pretty strong, confident woman...so I don't understand this intense craving for his attention & affection. It's almost like I see myself as not worthy. I've realized that I act in some ways like someone who did not feel loved growing up, or who suffered some kind of abuse. However, that is just not the case...I have amazing parents who were always proud and supportive and I've led a very happy life. But when this guy told me that 'his heart jumped' when I sent him a picture the other day, I swear it was like nirvana to me. I experience what I can only describe as 'pure bliss' when he says things like that. At the same time, I can also look at it as me being somewhat pathetic, needy and weak. This is another issue in my psyche that I'd really like to be able to break free from.

 

3) Guilt: I'm not feeling as much guilt as I know I should be. I'm definitely compartmentalizing the A in it's own little bubble, something that is just for me. Like a little private world that makes me happy. Again, I realize that logically, the whole thing could explode into a world of hurt and anger if discovered, but for now I feel like it can remain 'separate'. I believe my H has no clue, has no reason to be suspicious, so feel pretty safe. I also love and savor the feeling of making my AP feel good. I realized that I've created a role for myself of being the 'safe harbor' for him..someone who cares about him, brings a smile to his face, and makes him feel good. I feel like that's what he does for me, too. Again, I can look at this objectively and see how unhealthy this is for both of our M's, but it feels like we're helping each other through something. I don't quite understand what it is within myself that can so easily separate these two parts of my life. I think part of it is that we don't actually see each other much, maybe it just doesn't seem 'real', more like 'playing'. I guess this might be related to how I've stayed in the marriage so long...denial, rationalization, etc. I honestly don't 'want' this to change right now. I'm not ready to leave my little 'bubble'. I would just like to get a better understanding of it at some point

 

4) [Dating site] shame: At the time I created a profile, I had begun to feel desperate for romantic attention/connection/fun/butterflies, etc. I honestly never really thought about actual sex, it was more about the 'feelings', although I did crave some really passionate kissing. I know the whole concept of the site is seen as disgusting and practically evil. I do have shame about using it, and don't think I could ever admit it to most people in my life, even if I end up divorcing (I've gone so far in my head as to already have a cover story for how I met AP/MM if I ever did end up in relationship with him). However, I also can justify it enough that I don't completely regret doing it. For one thing, I honestly did not go on in search of just sex. My motivations were not innocent of course, but they weren't seedy and slutty. For another, I don't think the concept of meeting someone there is ALL that different than married people who meet in other situations and decide to cheat. The only difference is that we both 'announced' our interest in meeting someone for some type of extra-curricular relationship. I've been around married people at bars that have practically done the same thing, however it doesn't have the 'stigma' attached like AM. I also feel like I had a pretty unique experience on AM, so my opinion is probably different than others. I was only on the site for about a week or so, and had pretty limited exchanges with a few men before I 'met' my AP. I don't think there are too many men like him on AM. Like me, he is also not ONLY about sex (we have had 4 'dates' and only the 1st included sex). He has been kind, respectful, supportive and sweet throughout the 7+ months that we've been in contact. I don't have 100% trust in him due to how we met (and the fact that he travels a LOT for work), but he has never done anything to make me not trust him. However, I don't think this would be any different if we'd met in a bar. The A has helped me realize that I can still feel sexy and have desire...something I honestly thought was not in me until it started. If I hadn't turned to AM, I would have found another way satisfy my craving for some passion in my life.

 

I don't really know why I'm making this post...maybe I just want to commiserate with other women who are or have been in this situation. In any event, I have found that writing things out brings some clarity and sharing experiences opens up things I hadn't thought about before. Please feel free to respond with your own ramblings, stories, reactions, suggestions, dilemmas, etc. in this thread. Thanks for 'listening', sisters (and brothers!).

Edited June 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[whichwayisup]

If you put the same effort into your marriage/husband then maybe things would be better? Have you communicated with your husband how you feel? Maybe he's just as unhappy/bored as you are and together you two can come to a solution - Fix things together, separate/divorce, decide to have an open marriage? Just seems since you're terrified of hurting your husband and losing the life that you have with him and to be on your own, you're actually putting it ALL at risk if/when you get caught. Sooner or later he might become suspicious and bust you.

 

The reality of you divorcing your H, MM divorcing his wife, then the two of you end up together as a big happy blended family with all the kids involved is a fantasy and a pipe dream. Reality is, it won't happen that way at all.

[gettingstronger]

Sounds like both you and your husband married the wrong person. Consider divorcing so you are free to explore your single sexy side. I know you say you don't want to tell him because it will hurt him, but if you set him free to seek a relationship where both are fulfilled he will get over the hurt. Staying in a marriage you don't want to invest in, is not good for anyone.

[midlifewife]

If you put the same effort into your marriage/husband then maybe things would be better? Have you communicated with your husband how you feel? Maybe he's just as unhappy/bored as you are and together you two can come to a solution - Fix things together, separate/divorce, decide to have an open marriage? Just seems since you're terrified of hurting your husband and losing the life that you have with him and to be on your own, you're actually putting it ALL at risk if/when you get caught. Sooner or later he might become suspicious and bust you.

Some effort, yes, however I have been discouraged by the knowledge that I was never attracted to him passionately/intimately. I didn't admit this to myself until the past couple of years. I always blamed my lack of interest on low libido, being busy with kids, and various other factors. We did some MC about this issue, but nothing really changed. I still feel in limbo, not knowing whether I have it in me to work on something that I don't feel can get better. Of course, I realize that my choice to somewhat 'escape' with this A is not helping. I'm the process of figuring out how to proceed.

 

The reality of you divorcing your H, MM divorcing his wife, then the two of you end up together as a big happy blended family with all the kids involved is a fantasy and a pipe dream. Reality is, it won't happen that way at all.

Absolutely, I was just being honest about how my mind works. I can rationally see the ridiculousness, but that doesn't change what thoughts go through my head.

[minimariah]

Some effort, yes, however I have been discouraged by the knowledge that I was never attracted to him passionately/intimately.

 

oh, sweetheart... this is pure torture.

 

i've been there -- you got a great man, he's amazing, all is well... but you can't see him as a MAN, an attractive man. a man that makes you tear his clothes apart and attack him every minute of the day.

 

no cure there, i'm afraid. sexual attraction cannot be created or faked, it is what it is. you already know everything -- divorcing would probably be the best idea, now or in near future. OR an open marriage? is that an option?

[midlifewife]

oh, sweetheart... this is pure torture.

 

i've been there -- you got a great man, he's amazing, all is well... but you can't see him as a MAN, an attractive man. a man that makes you tear his clothes apart and attack him every minute of the day.

 

no cure there, i'm afraid. sexual attraction cannot be created or faked, it is what it is. you already know everything -- divorcing would probably be the best idea, now or in near future. OR an open marriage? is that an option?

Yes, it pretty much sucks. I feel so much guilt for not figuring this out sooner, like I've (unintentionally) put both of us in a position to 'start over' in our late-40's. For me, this doesn't sound really bad, but I hate putting him in that position since it would not be his choice. I do go back and forth between whether I think that the M has ANY hope. Most of the time lately, though, I've been feeling like if I stayed, it would be because I'm giving up on ever having the kind of passionate relationship I've realized I'm missing and would love to have. I also feel like, now that I'm aware of the reality of my feelings, it's becoming harder and harder to even 'pretend' like there's not something drastically wrong.

 

Don't think open marriage would be an option...don't even think I would want.

[Babs22]

Midlife wife. I can commiserate on so many levels to your post. I am a MW in a 2.5 year affair with a MM. Have felt and thought all of the same things you are currently feeling and thinking. I was married 18 years when my A began. One difference is, I had never thought about having an A. I had never even taken the time to notice other men. I met my MM at work, and we just clicked. We started as friends, moved to an EA and then to a PA in probably 3 months or less. My MM and I no longer work in the same building, but we spend an hour together each day, usually taking a walk. We get to be alone together about once every 2-3 weeks.

 

I am still married. After the A began, I was going to leave H, but my teenage son started having mental and physical health difficulties and I felt it was better if both H and I were at home with him. My H does not know about the A, but knows I am not happy in M. My MM does not plan on leaving his W. It took me a long time to figure that out. Apparently, most MM do not leave their W and I'm not sure what the psychology of that is. I have a few ideas, but no definite answers on that.

 

Anyway, I am still with MM because I love him and don't want to give up on that even though I know we can't be together. Maybe I'll still be here in the same situation 10 years from now. Don't know. I would expect at the very least, my H and I would be divorced by then.

Anyway, just here to say, that I can relate. I don't have any advice to give, except that it doesn't get any easier to love someone you can't be with.

[GirlStillStrong]

Can I ask you something, OP? Does the shame and guilt you have actually DO anything other than make you feel badly?

 

As for the addiction/obsession issue: Are you sure you are not just addicted to your phone?

 

One thing I will say about your post is that you seem to be VERY aware of what you are doing, sound very grounded in reality, and appear to be honest with and about yourself. What a breath of fresh air. But I will also say reading your post sounded a lot to me like a person who has drug addiction or alcoholism who is just starting to think about quitting. I have a little experience with people who have gone through this and your post sounded very familiar to me. I wonder if you substituted "my affair" or "my MM" with "my addiction" would it make sense?

[truncated]

Reading your post, it does sound as if there is quite a bit of the element of fantasy about it.

 

What do you think being in a "real life" relationship would be like with this other man? Would you leave your husband if you didn't have him in your life? What if you leave and he isn't interested in a relationship with a non married other woman?

 

You say you don't want to hurt your husband, which is noble, but not really realistic. every message you send this other man, every time you think about him, you are driving the knife in a little deeper.

 

It sounds like it's time to decide what you really want in your life, and what you are going to do to get it while being as kind to your husband as possible.

[midlifewife]

My MM does not plan on leaving his W. It took me a long time to figure that out. Apparently, most MM do not leave their W and I'm not sure what the psychology of that is. I have a few ideas, but no definite answers on that.

In my MM's case, I've attributed it to him not being at the same phase of life as I am, and not being married as long (also it's his 2nd marriage). I'm a just a few years away from an empty nest, and he has a 7 year old. He hasn't been dealing with the lack of intimacy as long as I have. I've encouraged him to learn from my experience, and not let it drag on as long as I have...either work on it and make it better, or end it.

 

Anyway, I am still with MM because I love him and don't want to give up on that even though I know we can't be together. Maybe I'll still be here in the same situation 10 years from now. Don't know. I would expect at the very least, my H and I would be divorced by then.

Anyway, just here to say, that I can relate. I don't have any advice to give, except that it doesn't get any easier to love someone you can't be with.

Like you, I can't see myself staying married and continuing this A indefinitely, but given the extended amounts of time between seeing each other, I think our timeline is kind of artificially drawn out. We've talked about what it would be like if we lived in the same area. He thinks it would be awesome & that he'd want to see me all the time, and I would of course love to spend more time with him, but don't think I could deal with that level of contact given our current situations. I think it would bring about a resolution for me (divorce or stopping A) much more quickly.

 

BABS, I'm sorry this sounds like such a difficult situation for you and hope that you get to a good place with your whole situation. Thanks for sharing (((hugs))))

[midlifewife]

Can I ask you something, OP? Does the shame and guilt you have actually DO anything other than make you feel badly?

 

Unfortunately, not really. It's not changing my behavior.

 

As for the addiction/obsession issue: Are you sure you are not just addicted to your phone?

I think it has more to do with the attention and feelings of euphoria I get from it. He's a great guy, but I don't know if it's all about 'him', or these other things. My friend who I share this info with has suggested that I let him go and either just get divorced and start over, or find someone I can see more often locally. There's enough I really like about this particular person that makes me have no interest in 'swapping him out', even if I didn't have to deal with the long distance part. I really was not expecting to find someone and have it turn into what it's turned into. He kind of took me off-guard in that respect.

 

One thing I will say about your post is that you seem to be VERY aware of what you are doing, sound very grounded in reality, and appear to be honest with and about yourself. What a breath of fresh air. But I will also say reading your post sounded a lot to me like a person who has drug addiction or alcoholism who is just starting to think about quitting. I have a little experience with people who have gone through this and your post sounded very familiar to me. I wonder if you substituted "my affair" or "my MM" with "my addiction" would it make sense?

Yes, this is very accurate. That's why I don't know if I could cut it off with MM voluntarily. The only way I can really envision it is if it was to tell him that I needed to stop communicating with him while I proceeded with dealing with my marriage once and for all, and then I'd be hoping he'd be there on the other side. We have not said we are 'in love', and haven't been able to have any in depth discussions about what our relationship really is, at least recently. We are just in a place where we both really like each other, and enjoy being a part of each other's lives at the moment...he seems to think this can just go on and on. I really don't know how it will all play out.

[mysterywoman]

Unfortunately, not really. It's not changing my behavior.

 

I think it has more to do with the attention and feelings of euphoria I get from it. He's a great guy, but I don't know if it's all about 'him', or these other things. My friend who I share this info with has suggested that I let him go and either just get divorced and start over, or find someone I can see more often locally. There's enough I really like about this particular person that makes me have no interest in 'swapping him out', even if I didn't have to deal with the long distance part. I really was not expecting to find someone and have it turn into what it's turned into. He kind of took me off-guard in that respect.

 

Yes, this is very accurate. That's why I don't know if I could cut it off with MM voluntarily. The only way I can really envision it is if it was to tell him that I needed to stop communicating with him while I proceeded with dealing with my marriage once and for all, and then I'd be hoping he'd be there on the other side. We have not said we are 'in love', and haven't been able to have any in depth discussions about what our relationship really is, at least recently. We are just in a place where we both really like each other, and enjoy being a part of each other's lives at the moment...he seems to think this can just go on and on. I really don't know how it will all play out.

If one of you gets caught it will all change so quickly it will make your head spin.. be careful..

[RoseVille]

The reality of you divorcing your H, MM divorcing his wife, then the two of you end up together as a big happy blended family with all the kids involved is a fantasy and a pipe dream. Reality is, it won't happen that way at all.

 

You know, I've read enough here and know enough folks in the real world to know that this just isn't true. And I think it's harmful and not helpful to speak in such absolutes when it comes to human relationships.

[RoseVille]

I could have written paragraphs 1 and 2 myself. Thank you for writing them, they make me feel less alone.

[midlifewife]

Reading your post, it does sound as if there is quite a bit of the element of fantasy about it.

Absolutely.

 

What do you think being in a "real life" relationship would be like with this other man? Would you leave your husband if you didn't have him in your life? What if you leave and he isn't interested in a relationship with a non married other woman?

I don't know the answer to the first question. I don't think many OW's could. I can say that (other than potential trust issues, which would go both ways), I don't know anything about him as a person that would make me rule out a real-life relationship. However, I acknowledge there are still many unknowns.

 

I was definitely considering divorce long before I met MM, so I do think I would still be in the same place. This might be pushing me along a little bit, but my feelings about my marriage have not really changed since I met him...maybe just solidified the knowledge that I do not have an overall lack of interest in sex, it is just not an interest in my H that way.

 

When I think about leaving, I'm definitely not banking on continuing the relationship with MM. If I got to the point where that was the only reason I thought I'd be leaving, I'd seriously question my choice. While I can envision us continuing the A if I do get divorced, whether we do or don't does not factor into my divorce decision. I know many of you will not believe this, but it is true. I realize that this A is not grounded in real life, so I need to keep it separate from my bigger decision process.

 

You say you don't want to hurt your husband, which is noble, but not really realistic. every message you send this other man, every time you think about him, you are driving the knife in a little deeper.

As much as I want to argue against this statement, and rationalize that it doesn't make any difference what we do now since we already had sex, I know deep-down that you are correct. Here's some more of my admittedly skewed logic....I do not plan to confess to the A if/when I ask for the D. I honestly do not believe that the A is the REASON for the D, as I mentioned above. If it were, I'd consider telling. Since it's not, I think it's better left unsaid. Again, I realize that I might be found out anyway, but since I don't plan to tell him, I'm justifying continuing the A. Twisted, I know... but I did say I wanted to share the truth of my experience here and that is how I am allowing myself to live with what I'm doing.

[midlifewife]

If one of you gets caught it will all change so quickly it will make your head spin.. be careful..

Yes, thank you...I do realize this and am being careful. I know that this is always a possibility, and am doing everything I can to avoid it. I think this is one of the main reasons I am actually a bit glad that we don't see each other that often...a bit easier to manage.

[midlifewife]

You know, I've read enough here and know enough folks in the real world to know that this just isn't true. And I think it's harmful and not helpful to speak in such absolutes when it comes to human relationships.

RoseVille, this is a good point. While I don't think my situation will end up with me being together with my MM, I would not rule it out. My friend also likes to always say that my A WILL get found out, it's just a matter of when. This I do not agree with. It may or it may not, I don't think it will. She also said she doesn't see how I could live without telling my H about the A. She had her own A that did get found out and they divorced, but she says she WOULD have told him very soon if he hadn't found out because she wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt. I think that's easy for her to say, not having been put in that position. She also did not 'like' her husband at the time, while I like mine a lot.

[midlifewife]

I could have written paragraphs 1 and 2 myself. Thank you for writing them, they make me feel less alone.

I'm so glad I found this particular forum, as I've been wanting to share and discuss these issues without being simply chastised or demonized for my choices. It's almost like a way for us to have a 'support group'. Especially needed since most of us live in secrecy about what we're doing. I've been pleasantly surprised that pretty much all of the responses so far have been non-judgemental and helpful. Thank you, all.

[Josmatjes]

Yes, it pretty much sucks. I feel so much guilt for not figuring this out sooner, like I've (unintentionally) put both of us in a position to 'start over' in our late-40's. For me, this doesn't sound really bad, but I hate putting him in that position since it would not be his choice. I do go back and forth between whether I think that the M has ANY hope. Most of the time lately, though, I've been feeling like if I stayed, it would be because I'm giving up on ever having the kind of passionate relationship I've realized I'm missing and would love to have. I also feel like, now that I'm aware of the reality of my feelings, it's becoming harder and harder to even 'pretend' like there's not something drastically wrong.

 

Don't think open marriage would be an option...don't even think I would want.

 

I could of written your whole thread. I in the same boat as you. I'm staying with my husband right now for outer kids buti know it's not fair to him. I am not attracted to him I the slightest.

 

My affair ended a year ago. I really don't think I miss him as much as the feelings it evoked from me. I felt alive whenever I heard from him or saw him. I haven't felt that way since it ended. It's such an awful and sad situation. I fill my life now with other obsessions, like my kids, my house, work, school. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I'm dragging my feet with filing for divorce cause I'm scared...

[midlifewife]

My affair ended a year ago. I really don't think I miss him as much as the feelings it evoked from me. I felt alive whenever I heard from him or saw him. I haven't felt that way since it ended.

Josmatjes, may I ask what happened to end the affair?

[Josmatjes]

Josmatjes, may I ask what happened to end the affair?

 

My husband found out and he ended it. We had to do a lot of damage control over the past year, and it drained everything that we once thought we had.when it originally happened, I was so far into the fog at that point I was devastated! I mean I was so depressed I didn't even know what to do with myself. I was head over heels in love and so was he.I thought that having this affair could keep me satisfied enough to stay married. . But I'm more based in reality now,for sure. I know that a relationship started in deceit can never endure. I still think of him but it's not with the longing that I used to.There is a lot more to it but the bottom line is that I'm trying to find the strength now to make the right choice without hurting my husband even more.

[midlifewife]

There is a lot more to it but the bottom line is that I'm trying to find the strength now to make the right choice without hurting my husband even more.

So, based on your comment in your first post, you are still wanting a divorce. Since he found out about your affair and you're still with him, did you tell him you wanted to stay in the marriage and work on it?

[LovelyBrown]

I love your post! So much of your feelings I can relate to. Numbers 1,2 &3 are all me, I so crave the texts/emails or his attention he is my absolute favourite drug, much like a drug he's incredibly hurtful and not good for me.

[HappyAgain2014]

I know that a relationship started in deceit can never endure.

 

I said this to my former AP a month into our affair. The longer I'm away from the affair, the more convinced I've become of that reality. It's far too much of a burden. How you came to be sets the tone for your foundation. So many people will disagree but those people probably either feel the need to justify their relationships or live in perpetual fantasy.

[GirlStillStrong]

Your story is exactly why I never married. That whole "till death do you part" thing really just has never sat well with me. I like change. I like new experiences. I get in relationships with men and after all the chemicals wear off I can't believe what the other person's idea of a relationship is. I never feel like I get very much from relationships. Men seem needy to me and often don't appear to make good decisions IMO. That's just my experience.

 

If the feelings of shame and guilt are not helping you or the situation any, I say lose them. Negative feelings only attract more negativity IMO. It's unfortunate what has happened and although I don't like telling other people what to do with their lives, I really think you should separate from your husband. Give being "single" a try. Of course it's a pain to have to uproot yourself and all but I feel it's the "right" thing to do. If you're going to be seeing other people, you should give your husband the opportunity to choose for himself. You don't have to tell him everything necessarily but you should at least level the playing field.