Self esteem/insecurities/boyfriend issues

[mary_mary15]

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. I have some major insecurities about my body. I've had a couple of kids, and my body is not what it once was looks wise...stretch marks, saggy skin. And I need to lose like 50 lbs.

 

I've been dating a guy for 2 years now. I know he loves me. And obviously if he had issues with my weight he wouldn't still be with me. He does try and encourage me to work out and lose weight. But something he said awhile ago has made me feel even worse about myself. I know he didn't mean to. But it did none the less. We've been having some issues in the bedroom. It's been harder for him to keep it up, during sex. He's 50, no no spring chicken. Lol. Several months ago he said it might help our sex life if I lost some weight. Now, I'm not dumb, I KNOW I need to lose weight. I'm under no illusion that I don't need to. But to hear those words from him, it hurt. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. And he knows he's got to lose some weight too, stop smoking, and that might help him to be able to keep it up. Although age is also a factor.

 

This man would die for me. I know he would never try to hurt me on purpose or make me feel bad. But I have even saying over and over that I need to lose weight and I don't. (Whole other separate issue).

 

Am I being over sensitive to him saying that?

[d0nnivain]

I'd be atomic if somebody said that to me but I KNOW I'm overly sensitive about my weight.

 

If you don't want to dump him for being a cad, try to at least find active dates for the two of you.

[Brigit]

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. I have some major insecurities about my body. I've had a couple of kids, and my body is not what it once was looks wise...stretch marks, saggy skin. And I need to lose like 50 lbs.

 

I've been dating a guy for 2 years now. I know he loves me. And obviously if he had issues with my weight he wouldn't still be with me. He does try and encourage me to work out and lose weight. But something he said awhile ago has made me feel even worse about myself. I know he didn't mean to. But it did none the less. We've been having some issues in the bedroom. It's been harder for him to keep it up, during sex. He's 50, no no spring chicken. Lol. Several months ago he said it might help our sex life if I lost some weight. Now, I'm not dumb, I KNOW I need to lose weight. I'm under no illusion that I don't need to. But to hear those words from him, it hurt. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. And he knows he's got to lose some weight too, stop smoking, and that might help him to be able to keep it up. Although age is also a factor.

 

This man would die for me. I know he would never try to hurt me on purpose or make me feel bad. But I have even saying over and over that I need to lose weight and I don't. (Whole other separate issue).

 

Am I being over sensitive to him saying that?

 

Most women are very sensitive about their appearance because the media informs us that we need to project a supermodel appearance and anything less than that is unacceptable. Being hurt because of his remark is normal.

[66Charger]

Mary for a Man over 50, it would help your sex life if HE loses the weight..and stops smoking.

You need to stop letting the words hurt, tell him to look in a mirror and smoking causes ED.

The both of you need to get healthy and get it up, I mean on.

 

Ps. Curves are yummy, to a lot of guys. I wish women would understand that and stop listening to hollywood

Edited June 1, 2015 by 66Charger

[mary_mary15]

Hi, thanks for replying back. He loves my curves. But I am overweight. And I KNOW too I need to lose it, but to hear your bf say it out loud, it just hurts I guess. Logical part of me knows he's trying to help us, but the emotional part can't forget him saying that.

 

And I do plan on losing weight, but for myself. I know it has to be because I want it, not because he's saying it.

[Brigit]

Hi, thanks for replying back. He loves my curves. But I am overweight. And I KNOW too I need to lose it, but to hear your bf say it out loud, it just hurts I guess. Logical part of me knows he's trying to help us, but the emotional part can't forget him saying that.

 

And I do plan on losing weight, but for myself. I know it has to be because I want it, not because he's saying it.

 

Tell him what you wrote here "I plan on losing weight for myself but hearing it from you is hurtful and please don't bring it up again."

[Ruby Slippers]

I for one would appreciate his honesty. He understands what the problem is - you being overweight is interfering with his sexual attraction to you. And he wants to be attracted and have a good sex life with you.

 

I think his options here are to be honest about what's impeding his attraction, not say anything and watch your sex life continue to suffer (which means the connection will deteriorate in other ways), or leave you. Now, which would you prefer? I'd prefer that he be honest about it and give me the opportunity to make some changes for the benefit of the sexual connection and relationship.

 

You know you want and need to lose weight, and he's reinforced that. So what's stopping you from losing weight? In almost all cases, an overweight person is simply eating too much food and not getting enough activity.

 

So first of all, figure out why you're eating too much. A lot of people these days eat for a million reasons that have nothing to do with the only reason you should EVER eat - because you're hungry. People eat because they're bored, lonely, stressed, frustrated, sad, need a break, need a distraction, have a void in their life they're trying to fill, etc., etc. None of these are good reasons to eat. The ONLY good reason to eat is because you are HUNGRY.

 

As for the activity, find something or several active things you love to do, and do them. I love to play tennis, dance, ride my bike, take long, brisk walks, and swim, so those are the things I do. I'm also getting back to strength training with free weights and body weight to support me in becoming even more active and athletic.

 

There are many websites, forums, and groups to help you meet other people who have the same goals of losing weight, eating less, and exercising more. Weight Watchers is a good, affordable program. Check out Geneen Roth's materials on emotional eating. Also, establish accountability with other people who are losing weight, too. This is key to accomplishing any goal. Check in once a week to discuss with each other whether you lost weight or not, and why. This happens at Weight Watchers when you step on the scale every week.

 

What you have to look forward to if you get in better shape is a better, sexier sex life, better health, more energy, looking better in clothes, feeling better about yourself, being an inspiration to others - the list goes on and on.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend will be very supportive of the healthy changes you're making. I wish you success on your weight loss journey!

[SilentiousBird]

I would feel hurt too, but it's a dose of honesty that sounds like you need. Give your boyfriend some of his own advice and tell him he needs to get his health in check too. Make a plan to get healthy together.