How should I do this?

[ZA Dater]

Now should the OP lie to a woman about his virginity and dating life?

 

I don't lie, its simply not in my nature and besides I haven't met anyone this year to actually lie to!

[misspond]

ZA, you offered me a lovely piece of advice the other day and I'm going to try and do the same for you.

 

Stop fretting. Just be, be happy (you sound like a really good guy) and stop thinking about all of the things you think about. Chat to people, male and female, in real life. Don't fret about OLD because it really does sound as though it's not for you. Neither is going to a strip club. I appreciate that it's hard to break out of old habits ("don't like anyone, will never like anyone but I want to like someone") and that's all this is.

 

Overthinking is a killer. Just chill. Your time will come.

[johndoe2]

ZA, you offered me a lovely piece of advice the other day and I'm going to try and do the same for you.

 

Stop fretting. Just be, be happy (you sound like a really good guy) and stop thinking about all of the things you think about. Chat to people, male and female, in real life. Don't fret about OLD because it really does sound as though it's not for you. Neither is going to a strip club. I appreciate that it's hard to break out of old habits ("don't like anyone, will never like anyone but I want to like someone") and that's all this is.

 

Overthinking is a killer. Just chill. Your time will come.

Does anyone actually believe this crap? Just wait for inevitability? Good things come to those who wait? Maybe the only reason we die is because we accept death as an inevitability?

 

How long can one reasonably be expected to 'just chill' and wait? You can wait and wait and one day you're 60 and all you're waiting for is a lonely death.

 

I'm pretty indifferent regarding the strip club idea, but right now I'm inclined to say, why not? What the hell, not sure what it's supposed to accomplish, but unless stoicism is supposed to be its own reward (certainly never got me anywhere) why not give hedonism a try?

 

I see that I'm a pretty dismal drunk and I've been making good progress on a bottle of wine tonight but in vino veritas.

[watsonyards]

ZA, you offered me a lovely piece of advice the other day and I'm going to try and do the same for you.

 

Stop fretting. Just be, be happy (you sound like a really good guy) and stop thinking about all of the things you think about. Chat to people, male and female, in real life. Don't fret about OLD because it really does sound as though it's not for you. Neither is going to a strip club. I appreciate that it's hard to break out of old habits ("don't like anyone, will never like anyone but I want to like someone") and that's all this is.

 

Overthinking is a killer. Just chill. Your time will come.

 

No. Just no. If this advice was going to work for OP, it would have happened already.

 

OP, just go to the strip club and have some fun. You just need to go out and start talking to women. Start off small with eye contact. Then do a few approaches a day.

 

Then go to nightclubs and approach there (even if you don't like it....force yourself). I did this when I was in my early 20s and it helped A LOT with women (I got laid a lot too).

 

Also, travel. Go backpacking. Most girls are looking for a travel boyfriend. You'll get sex with that too.

 

Realize that sex is not a big deal. You haven't had it yet, but it's overrated. You'll realize that after experiencing it with a few different women. Definitely nothing to stress over. And it's something that can be obtained relatively easily (with either time or money...or both).

[ZA Dater]

No. Just no. If this advice was going to work for OP, it would have happened already.

 

OP, just go to the strip club and have some fun. You just need to go out and start talking to women. Start off small with eye contact. Then do a few approaches a day.

 

Then go to nightclubs and approach there (even if you don't like it....force yourself). I did this when I was in my early 20s and it helped A LOT with women (I got laid a lot too).

 

Also, travel. Go backpacking. Most girls are looking for a travel boyfriend. You'll get sex with that too.

 

Realize that sex is not a big deal. You haven't had it yet, but it's overrated. You'll realize that after experiencing it with a few different women. Definitely nothing to stress over. And it's something that can be obtained relatively easily (with either time or money...or both).

 

I couldn't really care less about getting laid or not but if I am going to get laid I would like to be with someone I like as opposed to someone I have paid. Backpacking is all great and well but those of us who have 9-5 cant exactly drop everything to go backpacking!

 

 

To be honest having someone to take to dinner and take to events is far more important to me than getting laid.

 

 

What people don't understand with me is attractiveness for isn't defined by 32d or anything like that, its more the person themselves and a large part of it is personality. Average looking slim with a pretty face and a great personality, that to me is attractive.

 

 

Perhaps I a just a complicated being lol

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Does anyone actually believe this crap? Just wait for inevitability? Good things come to those who wait? Maybe the only reason we die is because we accept death as an inevitability?

 

How long can one reasonably be expected to 'just chill' and wait? You can wait and wait and one day you're 60 and all you're waiting for is a lonely death.

 

I'm pretty indifferent regarding the strip club idea, but right now I'm inclined to say, why not? What the hell, not sure what it's supposed to accomplish, but unless stoicism is supposed to be its own reward (certainly never got me anywhere) why not give hedonism a try?

 

I see that I'm a pretty dismal drunk and I've been making good progress on a bottle of wine tonight but in vino veritas.

Most of the time it is women who give that sort of crappy advice, why? Because they usually assume the passive role in dating

[ZA Dater]

Most of the time it is women who give that sort of crappy advice, why? Because they usually assume the passive role in dating

 

I don't think the advice was crappy at all. The thing is perhaps there is something to be said for taking it easy and enjoying other aspects of life. Is there a danger I have missed out, well in all probability yes but each day I give myself space to make peace with that.

 

 

Having said that I would love to have someone special.

[preraph]

Seriously, OP, if your strong points are politics and current affairs, then you need to go where that is. Maybe you need to volunteer on a campaign. Even if all you do is make phone calls or make signs, you will be invited to the local campaign night parties. I am not good with that crowd, but I did go to one and being that it is a crowd of wannabe politicians, everyone there was coming up and introducing themselves, which is good because I'm awkward with that if I'm out of my element and i was out out of my element, for sure. So working on a campaign, DO IT! Go to any community meetings near a primary election and nominate yourself to be a delegate for the election. This puts you in a large group of others from your community at the local rally.

 

If this was 20 years ago, I'd say become a journalist, but because of internet, most of the real ones are out of work now and we're getting our "news" from Twitter and pundits who are nothing more than pretty faces these days. Papers are dying. However, if you like being in touch with your community's current affairs, why not get a job or volunteer to run a city's recreational program or organize fundraisers for nonprofits. Your knowledge of current affairs and interest in local happenings would come in handy there.

 

Go find your people!

[ZA Dater]

ZA, you offered me a lovely piece of advice the other day and I'm going to try and do the same for you.

 

Stop fretting. Just be, be happy (you sound like a really good guy) and stop thinking about all of the things you think about. Chat to people, male and female, in real life. Don't fret about OLD because it really does sound as though it's not for you. Neither is going to a strip club. I appreciate that it's hard to break out of old habits ("don't like anyone, will never like anyone but I want to like someone") and that's all this is.

 

Overthinking is a killer. Just chill. Your time will come.

 

 

I think for the most part my issue is simply meeting people, I don't meet many people, my circle of friends is pretty much non existent so I just don't get to meet people. My primary use of OLD was to try and meet people and pick up what works and what the dating "market" likes.

 

 

Unfortunately in SA the platform attracts females who for a variety of reasons cant meet people but for the most part they have kids, aren't very pretty but worst of all, well they aren't very smart or interesting. All of which makes me sound hugely judgemental but that has been my experience.

 

 

I have tried the club scene but I don't think I have the confidence of the sex appeal to be able to use a club as a place to attract females, it was about that time I realised I needed to play to what I am good at, that being superb manner, intelligent conversation, taking an interest in people, being a nice guy, being generous. Yes, I can take any date to some high class events, nice places with some really nice people but that seems to count for very little.

 

 

Ultimately I met Miss ABC and I realised how good this thing called dating could be, how special it can be and just for once how the reality matched the idealistic idea.

 

 

I truly hope everyone gets to experience a moment like that at least once.

[ZA Dater]

Seriously, OP, if your strong points are politics and current affairs, then you need to go where that is. Maybe you need to volunteer on a campaign. Even if all you do is make phone calls or make signs, you will be invited to the local campaign night parties. I am not good with that crowd, but I did go to one and being that it is a crowd of wannabe politicians, everyone there was coming up and introducing themselves, which is good because I'm awkward with that if I'm out of my element and i was out out of my element, for sure. So working on a campaign, DO IT! Go to any community meetings near a primary election and nominate yourself to be a delegate for the election. This puts you in a large group of others from your community at the local rally.

 

If this was 20 years ago, I'd say become a journalist, but because of internet, most of the real ones are out of work now and we're getting our "news" from Twitter and pundits who are nothing more than pretty faces these days. Papers are dying. However, if you like being in touch with your community's current affairs, why not get a job or volunteer to run a city's recreational program or organize fundraisers for nonprofits. Your knowledge of current affairs and interest in local happenings would come in handy there.

 

Go find your people!

 

Trust me, if I lived where you do I would definitely join a campaign.

 

 

The reality is I am an accountant, enjoy the challenge the job gives me, enjoy the fruits of it, the executives I meet the interesting perspectives on life I gain.

 

 

As I say its tough to explain but the second most successful date I had was with an au pair, her caring attitude was very appealing, the had some knowledge but she was too childlike and was looking for some fairy tale story. Oh and she found me about as attractive as a frog!

 

 

I digress though.

 

 

Ultimately what I seek is very specific, a female who is driven, speaks beautifully, exudes class, has good knowledge and can look pretty when going out BUT importantly stirs something within me, has me totally at ease.

[misspond]

I think for the most part my issue is simply meeting people, I don't meet many people, my circle of friends is pretty much non existent so I just don't get to meet people. My primary use of OLD was to try and meet people and pick up what works and what the dating "market" likes.

 

 

Unfortunately in SA the platform attracts females who for a variety of reasons cant meet people but for the most part they have kids, aren't very pretty but worst of all, well they aren't very smart or interesting. All of which makes me sound hugely judgemental but that has been my experience.

 

 

I have tried the club scene but I don't think I have the confidence of the sex appeal to be able to use a club as a place to attract females, it was about that time I realised I needed to play to what I am good at, that being superb manner, intelligent conversation, taking an interest in people, being a nice guy, being generous. Yes, I can take any date to some high class events, nice places with some really nice people but that seems to count for very little.

 

 

Ultimately I met Miss ABC and I realised how good this thing called dating could be, how special it can be and just for once how the reality matched the idealistic idea.

 

 

I truly hope everyone gets to experience a moment like that at least once.

 

I do understand this. I suffer from a similar problem myself in that I don't get to meet new people (and to be honest I've got brilliant friends who invite me out/take up my invitations but when you're out and involved with talking to friends then you don't always get to talk to new people so...)

 

But I am taking steps to try and meet new people and you should too, just.....don't think about the "meeting someone" bit whilst you're doing it.

 

To be honest, everyone here who is struggling to find someone special may never find someone special but I do think that getting out and about ups those chances. Life's for living, so live it.

[misspond]

Most of the time it is women who give that sort of crappy advice, why? Because they usually assume the passive role in dating

 

No, not at all. But I'll tell you what, women who will take the initiative can sniff out men with chips on their shoulders really quickly and they're usually no fun to chat to.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

No, not at all. But I'll tell you what, women who will take the initiative can sniff out men with chips on their shoulders really quickly and they're usually no fun to chat to.

 

is it their body-language when they can tell when a man has a chip on his shoulder?

[spiderowl]

I feel for you because I know what it's like to be reserved and to feel out of place in clubs and those kind of social events. I do think your friend has some good ideas though and that there are other things you can do.

 

Being serious all the time and doing what you are doing now doesn't appear to be working for you. The way to maximise opportunities to meet someone who would be compatible with you would be to go out, do lots of different things to what you normally do. In other words, do things where you will cross paths with new people. Presumably the same people you know are not suitable in some way so sticking with them only is not helping.

 

Of course the best way to find new paths would be to go out to something you would like to do but aren't currently doing. If you would like to do more walking, then you could join a walking group, for example. Be friendly with people. What I have learned recently from reflecting on my own behaviour is that I am not warm and welcoming with people who I think might not like me or who I think are better than me in some way (this does tend to include guys I find attractive so you can see this is not a good way of being!). People like to feel wanted and welcomed so bear that in mind when you go anywhere. You can be the guy who is warm and welcoming. It doesn't commit you to more, just makes it more likely that people will see you as approachable and this helps your chances with women.

 

Your friend is trying to help. If he jokes about your lack of experience, it's pretty thoughtless of him, but you could laugh it off and and say something like 'Ah well, when I might the right woman ...'. This is a bit of a challenge for any women listening so you never know where that might lead. But, in one respect he is not far wrong, it is worth even going to things you are not keen on because there could well be some lovely woman there who also feels the same way and who would be really pleased to meet you. It's best not to assume that everyone is the same in these clubs. I've heard guys talk about women who go to clubs as if they are cheap or easy, but women go to clubs because they like dancing and their friends go. Don't assume they are all the same. Look for the woman who isn't fitting in so well to that scene, like you, and you could meet the love of your life.

Edited June 7, 2015 by spiderowl

[ZA Dater]

I feel for you because I know what it's like to be reserved and to feel out of place in clubs and those kind of social events. I do think your friend has some good ideas though and that there are other things you can do.

 

Being serious all the time and doing what you are doing now doesn't appear to be working for you. The way to maximise opportunities to meet someone who would be compatible with you would be to go out, do lots of different things to what you normally do. In other words, do things where you will cross paths with new people. Presumably the same people you know are not suitable in some way so sticking with them only is not helping.

 

Of course the best way to find new paths would be to go out to something you would like to do but aren't currently doing. If you would like to do more walking, then you could join a walking group, for example. Be friendly with people. What I have learned recently from reflecting on my own behaviour is that I am not warm and welcoming with people who I think might not like me or who I think are better than me in some way (this does tend to include guys I find attractive so you can see this is not a good way of being!). People like to feel wanted and welcomed so bear that in mind when you go anywhere. You can be the guy who is warm and welcoming. It doesn't commit you to more, just makes it more likely that people will see you as approachable and this helps your chances with women.

 

Your friend is trying to help. If he jokes about your lack of experience, it's pretty thoughtless of him, but you could laugh it off and and say something like 'Ah well, when I might the right woman ...'. This is a bit of a challenge for any women listening so you never know where that might lead. But, in one respect he is not far wrong, it is worth even going to things you are not keen on because there could well be some lovely woman there who also feels the same way and who would be really pleased to meet you. It's best not to assume that everyone is the same in these clubs. I've heard guys talk about women who go to clubs as if they are cheap or easy, but women go to clubs because they like dancing and their friends go. Don't assume they are all the same. Look for the woman who isn't fitting in so well to that scene, like you, and you could meet the love of your life.

 

Interesting post and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

For me the strip club is just totally out, not interested in that at all for reasons stated above. I have been to clubs, both with friends and on my own. You could say its out of my comfort zone and you would be right, thing is I cant approach anyone, just too shy and when you don't drink you just stand out too much.

 

People like conformity.

 

Warm and welcoming I am unfortunately nice, good manners and friendly yes but warm and welcoming no. I do try though.

 

At the moment I am just wondering really if all this is worth it if ultimately I need to settle for something that doesn't wow me at all.

 

I may go out to clubs again and look around but for the most part I just end up leaving and feeling worse about myself.

[todreaminblue]

the guy who says to you take up drinking and go to strip clubs....number 1 drunk guys actually suck big time......strip clubs....unfortunately not a lot of intelligence needed to strip.... intelligence is often optional....you might have a few college grads paying tuition by gittin nekkid in all reality they are probably dating the bouncers......or guys they go to gym with to help them tone to show off their bods when they strip.....

 

you have to decide what you really want in a woman and seek those things you want clever smart and attractive a strip club wont get yout here my friend....libraries might.......but i assume you have intelligence enough to know your friend is probably stoned when he sets up these sort of activities for you to find a lady............deb.

[ZA Dater]

the guy who says to you take up drinking and go to strip clubs....number 1 drunk guys actually suck big time......strip clubs....unfortunately not a lot of intelligence needed to strip.... intelligence is often optional....you might have a few college grads paying tuition by gittin nekkid in all reality they are probably dating the bouncers......or guys they go to gym with to help them tone to show off their bods when they strip.....

 

you have to decide what you really want in a woman and seek those things you want clever smart and attractive a strip club wont get yout here my friend....libraries might.......but i assume you have intelligence enough to know your friend is probably stoned when he sets up these sort of activities for you to find a lady............deb.

 

This post made me smile . I actually had the look at the strip club website, absolutely nothing I find visually interesting at all.

 

It just seems tacky to me.

 

What I like is very difficult to find, I have only ever met three people who I liked in that way.

 

Would I like to experience the physical aspect of it, yes I would but not with someone I have to pay.

 

Maybe all of this is easier if one is more outgoing, the people I generally like aren't like me in that aspect, they are outgoing and vivacious.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

ZA, you offered me a lovely piece of advice the other day and I'm going to try and do the same for you.

 

Stop fretting. Just be, be happy (you sound like a really good guy) and stop thinking about all of the things you think about. Chat to people, male and female, in real life. Don't fret about OLD because it really does sound as though it's not for you. Neither is going to a strip club. I appreciate that it's hard to break out of old habits ("don't like anyone, will never like anyone but I want to like someone") and that's all this is.

 

Overthinking is a killer. Just chill. Your time will come.

He's 31 and still single, never had a girlfriend, for when his time will come, I think its long overdue already, I'm 27 and still single as well, if a person is in their mid to late 20's and 30's, still single, always been, I think they have waited long enough, even though guys are not supposed to wait for obvious reasons, if a guy is taking action and not getting any positive results, understandably he would get impatient

[ZA Dater]

He's 31 and still single, never had a girlfriend, for when his time will come, I think its long overdue already, I'm 27 and still single as well, if a person is in their mid to late 20's and 30's, still single, always been, I think they have waited long enough, even though guys are not supposed to wait for obvious reasons, if a guy is taking action and not getting any positive results, understandably he would get impatient

 

I think there is some merit in this.

 

As far me taking action well must be honest my action the last few years has been confined to OLD, some chance meet ups at lunches, going to clubs and bars from time to time. That is probably the sum total of my "action".

[johndoe2]

Then go to nightclubs and approach there (even if you don't like it....force yourself). I did this when I was in my early 20s and it helped A LOT with women (I got laid a lot too).

Did you just go to clubs alone and just approach women who were a lone, or try to insinuate yourself into groups?

 

I'm not sure how to manage this.

[ZA Dater]

Did you just go to clubs alone and just approach women who were a lone, or try to insinuate yourself into groups?

 

I'm not sure how to manage this.

 

I had some strategy in that I tried to find single alone females but it was very rare and when I did find one, well looks wise she wasn't what I was interested in.

[johndoe2]

I had some strategy in that I tried to find single alone females but it was very rare and when I did find one, well looks wise she wasn't what I was interested in.

I'm not sure I've ever actually seen a woman of any kind who was alone in a bar that did not turn out to be just waiting for a friend or friends, or getting drinks for ones already there. Supposedly in the past (or maybe just on TV?) people would sometimes go to bars by themselves. Not anymore it seems, least not among younger people. I guess it's like the opposite of the 'Bowling Alone' phenomenon observed by that one social scientist.

[ZA Dater]

I'm not sure I've ever actually seen a woman of any kind who was alone in a bar that did not turn out to be just waiting for a friend or friends, or getting drinks for ones already there. Supposedly in the past (or maybe just on TV?) people would sometimes go to bars by themselves. Not anymore it seems, least not among younger people. I guess it's like the opposite of the 'Bowling Alone' phenomenon observed by that one social scientist.

 

I think a large part of me has just become fairly bitter and cynical towards the whole act of dating, I quite simply have tried my best with the knowledge I have. As I sit here I can say I have never deliberately hurt anyone, never used someone for a one night stand and not tried to trick people into liking me.

 

 

Have I been the charming warm guy, honestly no I haven't been but I always strive to be sincere and caring.

 

 

Were the experiences I have had a reflection of me, perhaps yes, throughout my life I stove to be my own person, I haven't followed the crowd, I have my beliefs and viewpoints and those seem to be contrary to almost everyone.

 

 

What I am is clearly something there isn't a market for, that's the cold reality of it.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I think a large part of me has just become fairly bitter and cynical towards the whole act of dating, I quite simply have tried my best with the knowledge I have. As I sit here I can say I have never deliberately hurt anyone, never used someone for a one night stand and not tried to trick people into liking me.

 

 

Have I been the charming warm guy, honestly no I haven't been but I always strive to be sincere and caring.

 

 

Were the experiences I have had a reflection of me, perhaps yes, throughout my life I stove to be my own person, I haven't followed the crowd, I have my beliefs and viewpoints and those seem to be contrary to almost everyone.

 

 

What I am is clearly something there isn't a market for, that's the cold reality of it.

 

ya sometimes I even have difficulty sleeping due to the lack of intimacy from a woman.

[ZA Dater]

ya sometimes I even have difficulty sleeping due to the lack of intimacy from a woman.

 

Never mind sex, I'd settle for a great female friend.