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Boyfriend + golf = no time for me


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xraychick01

My boyfriend is an avid golfer. He loves golf. But when the weather is nice he prefers to spend all of his spare time golfing. I don't mind that he has a hobby he is very passionate about, but it's beginning to affect our relationship.

 

He works all day and then most days he goes and golfs after to work until about dark. Then he comes home and is worn out from working and golf and goes to bed an hour or so after coming home. Same thing on the weekends. He will golf all day long Saturday and Sunday. Usually coming home when it's dark. Occasionally I will go out with him but I do not know how to play and I've asked him many times if he would show me how.

 

I feel like golf is #1 on list and not me/us. I have presented this to him numerous times. It usually starts a fight and we both end up frustrated. I would never tell him he cannot do something that he loves doing. All I'm asking for is some time for us every once in a while. His defense is "if you ask me to do something I will always go do it with you." But why do I always have to be the one the to make the plans? He's basically saying he will "schedule" time with me around his golf schedule.

 

I feel frustrated and ready to give up. I don't know what to say or do to make him understand how I feel. We've been together 3 years. Am I over reacting or should I just give up and move on?

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Give up and move on.

 

After three years, you know where this is going.

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Assuming that you are describing the situation accurately (that he plays all day, every nice weekend), I don't think you are overreacting. But that's not really the issue.

 

The issue is that you are unhappy with the status quo, and he seems unwilling to change.

 

You need to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship as it is now. Surrounded by golf. If that doesn't do it for you, then you probably need to walk. Or have a part-time relationship that ends once golf season begins.

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His defense is "if you ask me to do something I will always go do it with you."

If this is literally true, I'd give your bf a break. He says he's willing to spend time together.

 

But why do I always have to be the one the to make the plans?

Well, the burden is on the person who wants to change the status quo, to say what the change will be. It would not make sense for you to require him to make plans unless you tell him what they are.

 

He's basically saying he will "schedule" time with me around his golf schedule.

Actually, he said just the opposite - that he will schedule golf around the time with you, which when scheduled will always be his priority. And actually I do see his point....he's decided that he'll always join you in your plans, but if there are no specific plans, then he'd like to spend his spare time golfing. (As opposed to, say, sitting around the house arguing about why he never makes plans.)

 

BTW, I'm assuming he is honest and sincere in this promise because you didn't provide any reason to believe he is not. The solution is for you to make specific plans that meet what you want, and then ask him to participate. You need to be willing to say, "Let's spend next Sunday afternoon hiking/having lunch/strolling around the marina/poking around the flea market." If you say that and he either declines, or agrees but fails to show, then come back here and we can have the next stage of the discussion.

 

I've noticed that as a gross generalization, men are less capable and less willing planners of couple/family activities. I believe it's because they get less practice, and are often reluctant to make plans in fear that they will be shot down by the female partner (who claims to want HIM to make plans but maintains absolute veto power over those spontaneous plans....BTW, I'm describing myself here).

 

It's wonderful to have someone who is 100% guaranteed to go along with you on any specific outing you decide, so why not give him a chance to live up to that?

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If this is literally true, I'd give your bf a break. He says he's willing to spend time together.

 

 

Well, the burden is on the person who wants to change the status quo, to say what the change will be. It would not make sense for you to require him to make plans unless you tell him what they are.

 

 

Actually, he said just the opposite - that he will schedule golf around the time with you, which when scheduled will always be his priority. And actually I do see his point....he's decided that he'll always join you in your plans, but if there are no specific plans, then he'd like to spend his spare time golfing. (As opposed to, say, sitting around the house arguing about why he never makes plans.)

 

BTW, I'm assuming he is honest and sincere in this promise because you didn't provide any reason to believe he is not. The solution is for you to make specific plans that meet what you want, and then ask him to participate. You need to be willing to say, "Let's spend next Sunday afternoon hiking/having lunch/strolling around the marina/poking around the flea market." If you say that and he either declines, or agrees but fails to show, then come back here and we can have the next stage of the discussion.

 

I've noticed that as a gross generalization, men are less capable and less willing planners of couple/family activities. I believe it's because they get less practice, and are often reluctant to make plans in fear that they will be shot down by the female partner (who claims to want HIM to make plans but maintains absolute veto power over those spontaneous plans....BTW, I'm describing myself here).

 

It's wonderful to have someone who is 100% guaranteed to go along with you on any specific outing you decide, so why not give him a chance to live up to that?

 

 

She wants him TO WANT to spend time with her. Her making the plans all the time means she's part of his "things to do" list.

 

She can suggest they go to the movies, and he can agree, but chances are, he's going to be pre-occupied checking his phone about what the weather will look like tomorrow since it will affect his golf game. If they're hanging out at the park and she secretly knows deep down he would rather be golfing, there's still a problem.

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xraychick01
She wants him TO WANT to spend time with her. Her making the plans all the time means she's part of his "things to do" list.

 

She can suggest they go to the movies, and he can agree, but chances are, he's going to be pre-occupied checking his phone about what the weather will look like tomorrow since it will affect his golf game. If they're hanging out at the park and she secretly knows deep down he would rather be golfing, there's still a problem.

 

You are exactly right. I mean wanting to spend time together is part of being in a relationship. The times we do spend time together I feel like it's rushed because it's nice out and there's still time for him to play or I can't help but feel like he rather be golfing.

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xraychick01

Here an example of the past few weekends. A few weeks ago he played in a golf tournament (and he plays tournaments all summer which he schedules weeks or months in advance) an hour and a half away. The tournament was sat and sun but he took off work Thurs and Fri and went up.

 

Memorial weekend he played all three days leaving at about 9 or 10 in the morning and getting home around 7 or 8 in the evening. Memorial Day was a tournament.

 

This last weekend he worked sat until 2 and went and played till about 6. Sun we agreed to spend together since he was off. Around 2pm a friend texted him wanting to play. Instead of fighting about it I just told him to go play.

 

Today is another golf tournament.

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Lois_Griffin

Truth of the matter is that he's selfish as hell, putting himself first before anyone and anything else. He clearly lacks the maturity to understand the balance between personal pursuits and other life matters.

 

He's shown you that you're clearly not a priority to him.

 

If it's gotten to the point where you are the ONLY one trying to make sure you spend ANY quality time together, then it's pretty obvious where he'd rather be.

 

I guess you either have to learn to live with being devalued and diminished, or seek better for yourself. Sure, you can guilt him into spending a few hours with you at the movies, but who the hell wants to be reduced to that?

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Here an example of the past few weekends. A few weeks ago he played in a golf tournament (and he plays tournaments all summer which he schedules weeks or months in advance) an hour and a half away. The tournament was sat and sun but he took off work Thurs and Fri and went up.

 

Memorial weekend he played all three days leaving at about 9 or 10 in the morning and getting home around 7 or 8 in the evening. Memorial Day was a tournament.

 

This last weekend he worked sat until 2 and went and played till about 6. Sun we agreed to spend together since he was off. Around 2pm a friend texted him wanting to play. Instead of fighting about it I just told him to go play.

 

Today is another golf tournament.

 

 

I will NEVER understand why women constantly put up with stuff like this. Theres a million other guys that are willing to actually spend time with a woman, do things with a woman, and enjoy each others company, but it seems theres always those women that want to latch on to a guy that wants nothing to do with her.

 

What is it about this guy that you are still with him after all this? Is he really hot? Does he have an amazing body? Theres got to be something keeping you there because it sure as hell isnt the fun times you have spending time together.

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He's not going to change. Take that as Gospel.

 

So if you want to spend time with him, take golf lessons from somebody else & play with him

 

or

 

accept that you will always come after golf

 

or walk away

 

Those are the only choices.

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SammySammy

I've worked with several men who openly admitted the reason they played golf so much was to spend as much time as possible away from their wives. Golf after work. Golf in the rain. Golf on the weekends.

 

Apparently, the nagging and henpecking was unbearable. I always thought dealing with your problems directly was much more helpful. Using golf that way was technically "better" that drinking or using drugs to get away from your problems, but just as destructive to the relationship in my opinion.

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It sounds like he doesn't try to include you in his hobby when you've asked him to help you learn. Having separate hobbies and spending some leisure time apart can be a good thing, but there should be some consideration and give and take.

 

He prioritizes his "me" time via golf, and seems content to just check in with you. It's probably affected his relationship with his family as well. I don't think you can (or will want to) be in a relationship with someone who offers little to no true companionship.

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He golfs ALL DAY, every single Saturday and Sunday, and ALL EVENING on workdays? :confused:

 

To be honest I don't even think he's just golfing. If he is, he's obsessed and addicted. Either way, it's bad news. Lots of people are capable of having hobbies while still putting time and effort into their relationships (and into other things, too). They tend to make much better partners.

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He is probably cheating.

 

You clearly don't golf. Some people get obsessive about the game. His clubs, that little white ball & 18 holes are his mistress. Not a living breathing person.

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Be very specific and negotiate one evening a week in or out with him. Decide on the day. Tell him you feel like a golf widow. You're glad he has a passion, but his passion is doing nothing but killing your passion at the moment. Men can be very pragmatic, so don't argue about it or be vague. When you're alone and not fighting, say, Honey, what's the day you're least likely to play golf or watch sports (in case he does that to and I bet he does). Then maybe he says "Monday." Say, I need you to commit to one night when I can count on seeing you and either going to do something or just relax at home without working around your golf schedule. Can you do that? Think about it and get back to me with the day.

 

And yes, it sucks he doesn't want to do it so bad he won't make a plan himself, but don't worry about that right now. Get the day and then make the plans. If he gets tired of doing all your stuff, maybe he'll come up with a plan of his own.

 

I've been a guitar widow more than once, but I didn't even mind it at all because music was high on my list, too. So yes, trying to get interested in golf might help. Or you might find out he really just wants to hang out with the guys, you never know. It is a male bonding thing.

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My boyfriend is an avid golfer. He loves golf. But when the weather is nice he prefers to spend all of his spare time golfing. I don't mind that he has a hobby he is very passionate about, but it's beginning to affect our relationship.

 

He works all day and then most days he goes and golfs after to work until about dark. Then he comes home and is worn out from working and golf and goes to bed an hour or so after coming home. Same thing on the weekends. He will golf all day long Saturday and Sunday. Usually coming home when it's dark. Occasionally I will go out with him but I do not know how to play and I've asked him many times if he would show me how.

 

I feel like golf is #1 on list and not me/us. I have presented this to him numerous times. It usually starts a fight and we both end up frustrated. I would never tell him he cannot do something that he loves doing. All I'm asking for is some time for us every once in a while. His defense is "if you ask me to do something I will always go do it with you." But why do I always have to be the one the to make the plans? He's basically saying he will "schedule" time with me around his golf schedule.

 

I feel frustrated and ready to give up. I don't know what to say or do to make him understand how I feel. We've been together 3 years. Am I over reacting or should I just give up and move on?

xraychic, I realize this can be a legitimate problem and not funny to you. I have a married couple I am friends with. They are both golfers. Funny part is "she" spends way more time on the course than he. Husband often comments the only time he gets laid is when it snows or rains. Guess it can play both ways...

 

Perhaps an old joke will give you a chuckle.

What's the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?

Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball.....

 

 

:laugh::laugh: Lotta truth in that joke:laugh::laugh:

Hope it brings you a smile....

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TaraMaiden2

I hate to tell you xraychick01 but sadly, he's not the problem.

 

You are.

He's perfectly happy in his own world.

It's you who is malcontent, dissatisfied, upset, unfulfilled, ignored, misunderstood, unheard and - yes - unloved.

 

Unfortunately, if you don't like where you're at, it's up to you, to change it.

 

Because he won't.

He has his life nicely mapped out, does what he likes and has it all figured his way.

 

I believe your only course of action is to move out.

Leave.

 

And the amount of time he's away, you can plan at leisure when you'll do this, and how long over time it will take you to clear out and go.

 

He will come home from one of his 'jaunts and jollies' tournaments, to find you have completely vacated the premises.

 

Then - and only then - will you get a reaction from him.

 

And it could go both ways:

 

He could either go an play a round of golf to get over you, because, so what else is new? - or do his level best and damnedest to understand how badly this has affected you, and promise to change.

 

But the only way you'll find out where his heart TRULY lies - is to give him something other than his swing, to think about.

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StanMusial

It is definitely an addictive activity. Unfortunately also time consuming.

 

You need to exercise your female prerogative on this dude. If he chooses golf over you then it wasn't meant to be.

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