Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Well I've been told I'm a very attractive woman, even by by now ex lover after the fact :-) Some of us are. ? And there is your problem right there. You are looking for help to get over an affair and the first thing you do is defend your level of attractiveness. I'm telling you from my heart you need to look closely at this answer. It is the key to your recovery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I know he felt something. The complete turning around and saying it was a fling hurt me. Yes, he did feel something, but it wasn't strong enough, and it didn't last. You won't make much progress until you accept reality. This is the reality: He doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysterywoman Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Yes, he did feel something, but it wasn't strong enough, and it didn't last. You won't make much progress until you accept reality. This is the reality: He doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. Glad you know him intimately! Whatever you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysterywoman Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 I think women go into affairs thinking "This is my soul mate...I've found the one I've been searching for.." We are filled with romance and desire and want that special yummy feeling that day-to-day life doesn't seem to offer. The affair makes you feel like you're a beautiful a sex goddess just waiting for the right man to make you come into full blossom and reach sexual heights like you've never known before. Unfortunately, none of the above is true. We aren't beautiful sex goddesses. We're just women who watched too much TV. Well then explain why since him I tried to see someone else and it didn't work. There was not the same connection at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Glad you know him intimately! Whatever you think. If he loved you, you would be together. But he doesn't, so you aren't. Quod erat demonstrandum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Well then explain why since him I tried to see someone else and it didn't work. There was not the same connection at all. Because you have feelings for him. Those feelings are preventing you from being interested/attracted to someone else. Those feelings are NOT returned by him. Your feelings for him are wholly one-sided. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 What advice are you looking for here? To continue to obsess? To be told he really loves you and considers calling you a stalker a compliment? It's over. Regardless of whether you can find a connection with someone else or not, it takes two to tango and your xMM isn't interested. It sucks to feel like you lost this game but that's what you signed up for. Time to pack it in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Did your XAP have a D Day? In an affair in which both parties are married and want to stay married, discretion is utmost important. I was on a couple of forums specifically for waywards to discuss their affairs. I'm a FWW btw. One person getting caught is usually the ultimate deal breaker. Your H contacting him sealed the deal. He doesn't want your H to contact him or his W. I don't know him personally but I can almost guarantee that's what he's thinking. It's all about covering his own a$$. He may care about you, but he cares about keeping his family intact more. This is common in affairs. You may feel like your A was real love and a true connection, but I'm thinking it's more infatuation. I have to ask, do you have an addictive personality? Affairs can become very addicting. I'm not saying this to be mean, but you seem completely obsessed. Doesn't it bother you that he called you a stalker? He told you to move on. You need to listen to him and let him go. You can't force another person to see you. In fact, you can't force anyone to do anything. Even if it was real love, people fall in and out of love all of the time. The only way your heart will heal is if you let go. I wish you the best! I hope you don't perceive my post as an attack. A little more last advice; as long as you continue to cheat, the up and down roller coaster will never end. I suggest you develop a thicker skin and learn how to compartmentalize if this is the path you want to take. This is the reason I suggest people stop having affairs because it causes so much pain and destruction to everyone including the WS. It's not even about the morality of it. Life is hard in itself. Affairs make it harder. Life is too damn short to be miserable. Obviously, your A has caused you way too much misery to the extent that you are obsessing. This is not healthy. I wish you peace and hope IC helps you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 If that is true then why not just say that? I know in my heart of hearts there was a connection.I know he felt something. The complete turning around and saying it was a fling hurt me. Maybe I'm not seeing it clearly. I really want to believe that what I felt in my gut was real. It's like he completely turned it around. I would like to think it was fear that made him say that, not happy that the situation turned out this way at all, just what I feel to be true WAS true and not doubting myself. He told me and I know this is all out of context:Why are you doing this to yourself it's not healthy. (I was picking it apart, asking him if he was just using me -by text. The gut feelings that he cared for me that I felt with him in person and I should probably trust those feelings more than text. After he made love with me for the first time as we were about to get in our cars and leave I went to kiss him and he kind of pulled back a little, not a good feeling. Later on he told me that what we did was wrong and not right. Guilt?? I'm sure you had a very romantic connection with your "lover". Thing is, it's over, and has been for awhile. You're married, he's married. It was probably fun (for him) when things were easy. But once your husband was tipped off and confronted him, it was back to reality. You know, the reality of losing his wife and family. The romance and mystery were gone. And here you sit. Still married, and still longing for a man who was a diversion and a fantasy. I'm sure your affair was wonderful and romantic. That is over now. He doesn't want to play anymore. He doesn't want his world blown up or the azz beating your husband has promised to deliver. That kinda has a way of blowing up all those between the sheets romantic feelings. I'm sorry you feel like you were somehow "emotionally raped, but I'm not sure how you get there. It was an affair. You knew the deal, so did he. You had fun, so did he. Where's the abuse in that? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 To have a life that really works, you have to put your energies into your current situation, and the people who are in your life now. Throwing your energies into the past starves the present. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Well then explain why since him I tried to see someone else and it didn't work. There was not the same connection at all. Just because you love someone or are really into them, doesn't mean they feel the same. You're implying he somehow forced himself on you emotionally and this is not the case. You willingly started an affair and failed to understand how it could end for you. The guy wanted a bit on the side and as much as that hurts you, it's true. Having an affair isn't all fun and games and quite often your heart pays the price. The fun was good while it lasted for him, but he doesn't want you husband on his case. I've heard guys say to never mess with another man's wife. It has gotten many a man killed and beaten up. Why would he want that? Be logical and realistic. Why continue in your marriage if all you want is another man? If your marriage is that bad and your husband isn't doing it for you, get divorced. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Well then explain why since him I tried to see someone else and it didn't work. There was not the same connection at all. Because you're still into your "boyfriend" and you don't have room right now to connect to someone else. To disconnect from someone takes a lot of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 A little more last advice; as long as you continue to cheat, the up and down roller coaster will never end. I suggest you develop a thicker skin and learn how to compartmentalize if this is the path you want to take. This is the reason I suggest people stop having affairs because it causes so much pain and destruction to everyone including the WS. It's not even about the morality of it. Life is hard in itself. Affairs make it harder. Life is too damn short to be miserable. I'm a former WW as well. What Violet states about the roller coaster of emotions is true. Right now, my emotions are well balanced and my behavior is productive. Whilst in the affair I exhibited a lot of traits typically seen by someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder and I thought I had it because of how I felt. Do you really like the constant checking to see if he's answered your emails? Or the desperate pleading with him to throw you some crumbs of attention? Does that make you feel happy and good about yourself or do you feel like you've hit rock bottom and you have nothing to offer but your sexuality? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Oh by the way I stupidly tried to see someone else, it was nothing like what I had with him. I don't believe I can ever get physically intimate with another man after him. He has ruined me for any other man, I am serious!! You're acting like you're SINGLE. You're not - you're married. At first I thought you were in an open marriage since you talk about 'not being able to find another man' like your ex married guy. But then you mention your husband threatened the married guy so apparently you're NOT in an open marriage. Look. You can be mad and angry all you want. It doesn't CHANGE the fact that the married guy you were seeing doesn't feel you're worth the risk. You can sugar coat it any way you want but the bottom line is that you're not worth the risk. He's not looking for a new wife. He's looking for side fun and you were it until the price tag became too high for him and he went seeking easier prey. The crap he told you during your affair is what most of them say. And it obviously worked because here you are a year later still pining for him. And stop with the 'emotional rape' nonsense. You ran an ad on a cheater site and hooked up with a lying cheater who was obviously very practiced at telling women what they want to hear. Big deal. That doesn't make you a victim of anything but your own bad choices. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 You're acting like you're SINGLE. You're not - you're married. At first I thought you were in an open marriage since you talk about 'not being able to find another man' like your ex married guy. But then you mention your husband threatened the married guy so apparently you're NOT in an open marriage. And stop with the 'emotional rape' nonsense. You ran an ad on a cheater site and hooked up with a lying cheater who was obviously very practiced at telling women what they want to hear. Big deal. That doesn't make you a victim of anything but your own bad choices. Lois is correct. You ran an ad on a site for people who want to cheat. First off, that's not romantic at all. By placing an ad you were selling yourself as someone who wanted easy sex. If this is what you want? I don't think so. It's what HE wanted. And why did you join that site anyway? Did you think you'd join and because you are so special and desirable that a man who is looking for easy sex will see you, change his mind about easy sex and fall madly in love with you? Hell no. LOL. He was looking for a prostitute that he didn't have to pay. You were it. If you try meeting another man on that site you will again be an unpaid prostitute. Obviously, you don't want to be with your husband. I do hope you divorce. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysterywoman Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 I'm a former WW as well. What Violet states about the roller coaster of emotions is true. Right now, my emotions are well balanced and my behavior is productive. Whilst in the affair I exhibited a lot of traits typically seen by someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder and I thought I had it because of how I felt. Do you really like the constant checking to see if he's answered your emails? Or the desperate pleading with him to throw you some crumbs of attention? Does that make you feel happy and good about yourself or do you feel like you've hit rock bottom and you have nothing to offer but your sexuality? No it makes me feel like that. MM actually told me I was classic Borderline after my husband found out and I am not normally that moody. Being in an affair esp. that one with all the drama brought out the worst in me. My husband still accuses me of having one even to this day, and I am not. I have been thinking of it and him a lot lately because I'm writing about my experience here but I don't ever want to be in that place again meaning the lows of the affair and the aftermath. I'm wonduring if that's why I seem preoccupied and not present to my husband.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysterywoman Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Lois is correct. You ran an ad on a site for people who want to cheat. First off, that's not romantic at all. By placing an ad you were selling yourself as someone who wanted easy sex. If this is what you want? I don't think so. It's what HE wanted. And why did you join that site anyway? Did you think you'd join and because you are so special and desirable that a man who is looking for easy sex will see you, change his mind about easy sex and fall madly in love with you? Hell no. LOL. He was looking for a prostitute that he didn't have to pay. You were it. If you try meeting another man on that site you will again be an unpaid prostitute. Obviously, you don't want to be with your husband. I do hope you divorce. That's pretty rude. Actually he was very romantic as I am and we shared a lot. I am very picky. It wasn't cheap easy sex. It was a beautiful experience and actually felt healthy for me to be doing it. My marriage is not a happy one. Say what you want, but it was a rare romantic affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) My marriage is not a happy one. I'm sorry your marriage isn't working out. Why is your marriage bad? Do you really think men join Ashley Madison because they are looking for true romance? Edited June 3, 2015 by Brigit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysterywoman Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 I'm sorry your marriage isn't working out. Why is your marriage bad? Do you really think men join Ashley Madison because they are looking for true romance? No clue. Lots of things to be discussed in IC. No I think most men don't. I met someone who wanted all of a connection..mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. Like I said he and it was special. The aftermath and other things that happened when the proverbial s##t hit the fan was very bad. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 It was a beautiful experience and actually felt healthy for me to be doing it. There is nothing beautiful or healthy about an affair, of any kind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leaving Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I think it's time to leave your husband and focus on your self because clearly your not in love or happy with your husband 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysterywoman Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 There is nothing beautiful or healthy about an affair, of any kind. Then obviously you didn't have a good one!! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 No clue. Lots of things to be discussed in IC. No I think most men don't. I met someone who wanted all of a connection..mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. Like I said he and it was special. The aftermath and other things that happened when the proverbial s##t hit the fan was very bad. You have no clue why your marriage is bad? That's odd. Most people have at least some idea of what is wrong or missing in their marriage and what changes they would like to take place. But you just have no clue? I'm glad that you are going to counselling because you seem really out of touch with yourself and what is real. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Then obviously you didn't have a good one!! "Good" in terms of an A is relative, but there's just no such thing as a beautiful and healthy relationship that by it's very nature is built on at least one party - and in your case, two parties - deceiving the very person they pledged fidelity to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 After review and deleting almost a full page of posts, I will reopen this thread with the reminder that ALL posters are expected to treat each other with civility. Liberal use of common respect and the "Alert Us" function now will avoid our liberal use of the Infraction and banning functions in the future. ~Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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