Missing Him Everyday

[gettingstronger]

I think what I get stuck on is that you two met through AM- maybe I am wrong but that seems the gateway to a NSA type of affair rather than ones that start from some type of in person, personal connection-

 

I would imagine that most men that sign up on there are not looking for a deeper connection. If it developed, it probably scared him because its not what he was looking for.

 

You mention "unlike any other man I met on AM" does this mean you have had multiple affairs through the site or does it mean you have communicated with lots of men through the site and this was the only one you acted on?

[mysterywoman]

I don't know you but your story has been told many times on this forum. It's all the same. Big connection, big dreams, big letdown.

 

There's nothing outdated about saying a man will choose his lifestyle, which includes his wife, most of the time. Most of them don't set out looking for a replacement therefore most stay with their wives. They may moan and complain about being an ATM for their families, their sexless marriages, and how nobody understands them but they still feel proud of what they've worked for.

 

Sorry but most men aren't willing to be known as a man who leaves his family, especially for another woman. That's extremely rare.

 

I totally agree with that but saying I'm not wife material because I slipped once is a very gross assumption on your or anybody's part. Never assume you know as the saying goes.

[mysterywoman]

I think what I get stuck on is that you two met through AM- maybe I am wrong but that seems the gateway to a NSA type of affair rather than ones that start from some type of in person, personal connection-

 

I would imagine that most men that sign up on there are not looking for a deeper connection. If it developed, it probably scared him because its not what he was looking for.

 

You mention "unlike any other man I met on AM" does this mean you have had multiple affairs through the site or does it mean you have communicated with lots of men through the site and this was the only one you acted on?

 

Communicated with only. There are a wide variety if people on there if you don't already know that. The NSA ones are very upfront and honest about what they want . Not interested in that at all. Maybe it would have been easier if that's all I wanted. There are those very few I might add that are looking for more of a romantic, yes and sexual, mental connection. They are few and far between. I met him after a long two months of email, and text.

 

 

It took a lot of convincing for me to meet him for drinks and dinner at a nice restaurant, a couple canceled dates, I was hard to get, LOL. We hit it off and enjoyed each other company. I was very attracted to him and him me. We just had a lot in common and I fell too hard for him, honestly maybe that scared him. I did start to feel closer to him than my husband. He filled voids in my marriage, he is a master communicator and my husband is not at all.

 

I called him a player he is not a player. I'm sure players say they are. Not players LOL. He had removed his profile as I have.

 

 

He wanted someone on the side but didn't want to leave his marriage as I didn't either. What scared the crap out of me is how much I liked him and how much we had in common.

 

It was a definite EA for sure turned PA turned EA as we communicated later in mostly by text after the D-day when my husband found out. Right after the D-day he wrote me a long letter where he actually told me that he was nervous about things my husband could do to get to him and his family.

 

 

Yes I get it no one is worth the risk to lose your family. I don't want that to happen to him, I have no desire to do that. I care about him too much. I was so caught up in it because if the physical and emotional bonding with him. It is a real physiological thing when a woman makes love to a man.

 

 

I also had a pregnancy scare after the D-day when I didn't get my period and I kept contacting him all that summer and he didn't answer my emails because he thought we should be having limited contact. I got frantic in my emails but never telling him then I thought I might be pregnant with his child because I was afraid it would have pushed him away even more.

 

I waited until September when he finally responded to me we had the conversation about what would he do if I were pregnant and how children are so very important (even though it sounds like an oxymoron he and I told always understood our kids always were our first responsibility )He always told me I was a good Mom always wanting the best for my child, which I am no matter who may judge me here you really have no idea.

 

 

So yes it was deep and he told me if I wasn't deep and intense he wouldn't have been interested in me. I don't think that was the reason it ended.

 

 

I tried to see if what I had with him could be duplicated, if it was unique to him and I , if it was the excitement what was it? He made me feel alive, sexy, smart, special, unique, and there was a definite emotional physical connection to him. I have not been able to duplicate that because of the unique chemistry between us?

Edited June 4, 2015 by mysterywoman

[Bittersweetie]

Mystery,

 

My story: I, too am married. I, too, met AP on AM. I, too, didn't want to leave my marriage. I, too, thought I could find someone who would share a connection with me. Then I met AP (also, after a couple of months of emails, chat), and we connected. Our relationship was so special, this connection was so unique. I'd found my soulmate, on AM of all places.

 

Now, 5.5 years after a d-day, I can't believe how deluded I was then, how I twisted my reality to suit myself, how I disrespected my husband, my marriage, and MYSELF. I can't believe I risked everything for some guy I met on a marriage dating website. At the time I thought our relationship was special, but now I clearly see that there was absolutely nothing beautiful or healthy about it for anyone...for me, him, our spouses, our families. It was two selfish people using each other to take care of their own selfish needs.

 

I just wanted to share my story, since I was you six years ago.

 

Good luck, BSW

[mysterywoman]

Mystery,

 

My story: I, too am married. I, too, met AP on AM. I, too, didn't want to leave my marriage. I, too, thought I could find someone who would share a connection with me. Then I met AP (also, after a couple of months of emails, chat), and we connected. Our relationship was so special, this connection was so unique. I'd found my soulmate, on AM of all places.

 

Now, 5.5 years after a d-day, I can't believe how deluded I was then, how I twisted my reality to suit myself, how I disrespected my husband, my marriage, and MYSELF. I can't believe I risked everything for some guy I met on a marriage dating website. At the time I thought our relationship was special, but now I clearly see that there was absolutely nothing beautiful or healthy about it for anyone...for me, him, our spouses, our families. It was two selfish people using each other to take care of their own selfish needs.

 

I just wanted to share my story, since I was you six years ago.

 

Good luck, BSW

Thank you for your kind words BSW.

 

How long did it take you to cone to that realization, did it come when you were completely out of the relationship with MM or still in it. What happened at D-Day if you don't mind me asking? Did you have any breakups with MM where he said goodbye but eventually he circled back to you? Thank you.

 

Mystery

[HappyAgain2014]

I totally agree with that but saying I'm not wife material because I slipped once is a very gross assumption on your or anybody's part. Never assume you know as the saying goes.

 

You are someone's wife so clearly that's not an issue for you.

[violet1]

Mystery,

 

My story: I, too am married. I, too, met AP on AM. I, too, didn't want to leave my marriage. I, too, thought I could find someone who would share a connection with me. Then I met AP (also, after a couple of months of emails, chat), and we connected. Our relationship was so special, this connection was so unique. I'd found my soulmate, on AM of all places.

 

Now, 5.5 years after a d-day, I can't believe how deluded I was then, how I twisted my reality to suit myself, how I disrespected my husband, my marriage, and MYSELF. I can't believe I risked everything for some guy I met on a marriage dating website. At the time I thought our relationship was special, but now I clearly see that there was absolutely nothing beautiful or healthy about it for anyone...for me, him, our spouses, our families. It was two selfish people using each other to take care of their own selfish needs.

 

I just wanted to share my story, since I was you six years ago.

 

Good luck, BSW

Same for me. I also met my xMM online. I had a profile on AM, but that's not how we met. I met him off Craigslist of all places. Oh man! I thought my A was so unique and special. We chatted everyday for almost two months before we met. Our A was romantic, emotional, etc. We thought we were so lucky to have found each other. We must have meant to be together if we meant on such a sleezy site and our connection was just oh so unreal! Amazing!

 

 

I'm a little over a year passed D Day and my perception has changed. I now see my choices as disgusting. I no longer think my A was beautiful and special or unique. I'm just another number. My A hurt my H, me and our M. It made everything in my life worse. Scoping out men online instead of facing my M problems head on is not something I'm not proud of. I'm ashamed and humiliated that someone like me would stoop so low. See OP, your A wasn't special or rare. Many WW's have walked in similar shoes as you have. The misconception that men only look for sexual affairs is false. There are a lot men who are looking for both a EA & PA. It's easier to cheat than to divorce or fix your M. I also have been where you are. It will take time, but I hope you get to the point that you see your A for it really was, selfish and cruel.

[Bittersweetie]

Scoping out men online instead of facing my M problems head on is not something I'm proud of.

 

I hear you, Violet.

 

Thank you for your kind words BSW.

 

How long did it take you to cone to that realization, did it come when you were completely out of the relationship with MM or still in it. What happened at D-Day if you don't mind me asking? Did you have any breakups with MM where he said goodbye but eventually he circled back to you? Thank you.

 

Mystery

 

This realization came to me probably six months to a year after d-day. The relationship with AP ended about three-four months before d-day. My d-day occurred because I got an STD from AP.

 

The first breakup with AP occurred about two months after we started talking, one month after we met. I hadn't decided whether to sleep with him or not. He dumped me for another girlfriend and stopped talking to me. But I held the faith! Because our connection was so special, so unique. Six months later I emailed him and he answered. No more girlfriend, no more wife. I slept with him that time. Then he stopped talking to me again. Three months later, d-day, after I got the call from the doctor.

 

Like Violet said, my A was neither special, nor rare, though you couldn't have convinced me of that then. It was just my own selfishness, my own way to avoid conflict, my own issues.

 

Hope this helps.

[mysterywoman]

I hear you, Violet.

 

 

 

This realization came to me probably six months to a year after d-day. The relationship with AP ended about three-four months before d-day. My d-day occurred because I got an STD from AP.

 

The first breakup with AP occurred about two months after we started talking, one month after we met. I hadn't decided whether to sleep with him or not. He dumped me for another girlfriend and stopped talking to me. But I held the faith! Because our connection was so special, so unique. Six months later I emailed him and he answered. No more girlfriend, no more wife. I slept with him that time. Then he stopped talking to me again. Three months later, d-day, after I got the call from the doctor.

 

Like Violet said, my A was neither special, nor rare, though you couldn't have convinced me of that then. It was just my own selfishness, my own way to avoid conflict, my own issues.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Did his wife ever find out about his affairs? The six month later mark after he broke up with you can I ask if the letter you wrote was just a friendly letter saying hi or did you ask if he wanted to see you again? Wondering how that started up again. He slept with you and then stopped talking to you? Do you think it was guilt or did he ever say why?

 

Does he know he gave you a STD?

 

How did you know he dumped you for another girlfriend the first time?

 

Yes, everything you have said is helpful to me, thank you. I am starting to come out of the fog I think but not all the way there yet.

Edited June 4, 2015 by mysterywoman

[Bittersweetie]

Did his wife ever find out about his affairs?

 

I don't know if she ever knew about me or the other girlfriend.

 

The six month later mark after he broke up with you can I ask if the letter you wrote was just a friendly letter saying hi or did you ask if he wanted to see you again? Wondering how that started up again.

 

I'd been sending him an email once a month hoping for an answer. I finally got one...it literally said, "Today I had to tell the kids we're getting a divorce." And I responded. The next one said, "Let's get a beer." And there you go. Ugh.

 

He slept with you and then stopped talking to you? Do you think it was guilt or did he ever say why?

 

Well, we still talked to each other for a couple of months after I slept with him. But I only slept with him once. He never explained anything, and now, I don't really care.

 

Does he know he gave you a STD?

 

Yes, I left him a message after d-day. Without going into details, I am pretty sure he gave the STD to me.

 

How did you know he dumped you for another girlfriend the first time?

 

He told me. Of course, it was under the guise of "you deserve better" and "you deserve more" and "you can find someone much better than me." But when push came to shove, I was dropped when someone else (who probably slept with him immediately) came along.

 

I'm so glad that you are starting to clearly see...it may not happen right away, and it may not be pleasant, but believe me, in the long run it is the much healthier and more authentic path.

[mysterywoman]

I don't know if she ever knew about me or the other girlfriend.

 

 

 

I'd been sending him an email once a month hoping for an answer. I finally got one...it literally said, "Today I had to tell the kids we're getting a divorce." And I responded. The next one said, "Let's get a beer." And there you go. Ugh.

 

 

 

Well, we still talked to each other for a couple of months after I slept with him. But I only slept with him once. He never explained anything, and now, I don't really care.

 

 

 

Yes, I left him a message after d-day. Without going into details, I am pretty sure he gave the STD to me.

 

 

 

He told me. Of course, it was under the guise of "you deserve better" and "you deserve more" and "you can find someone much better than me." But when push came to shove, I was dropped when someone else (who probably slept with him immediately) came along.

 

I'm so glad that you are starting to clearly see...it may not happen right away, and it may not be pleasant, but believe me, in the long run it is the much healthier and more authentic path.

 

Thank you for all your honest answers. It was very helpful to hear about what happened with you.

 

My issue is that when I started with him I had vivid dreams that we were together, you know those dreams you have once in a blue moon that feel so real. I had another one last night, it was a comforting feeling that he was with me in my dream. I haven't had that one like that for a long time. I don't know if it means anything, but there it is.

Edited June 5, 2015 by mysterywoman

[anika99]

Thank you for all your honest answers. It was very helpful to hear about what happened with you.

 

My issue is that when I started with him I had vivid dreams that we were together, you know those dreams you have once in a blue moon that feel so real. I had another one last night, it was a comforting feeling that he was with me in my dream. I haven't had that one like that for a long time. I don't know if it means anything, but there it is.

 

 

Those dreams don't mean anything other than you are pining for him. I had dreams like that about my boyfriend after he died. In those dreams it was like he was really there and we were really together. Then I had to wake up to the cold reality of daylight and the fact that I was never going to see him or be with him ever again. It's part of the grieving process to have dreams like that but you don't want to get stuck because you think those dreams actually mean you're supposed to be together or something.

[minimariah]

No clue. Lots of things to be discussed in IC.

 

how long are you in IC? do you feel it helps you, do you feel better?

 

is leaving your marriage in future, let's say in next 5 years an option?

Edited June 5, 2015 by minimariah

[mysterywoman]

how long are you in IC? do you feel it helps you, do you feel better?

 

is leaving your marriage in future, let's say in next 5 years an option?

 

So far I haven't started IC. I have been in it before when I first got marroed. The therapist wasn't very optimistic about my marriage then. I have a young daughter now in school. It is basically for her I stay and my husbsnd but he has many issues and now he's disabled. I feel guilty about all of it.

[Bittersweetie]

Thank you for all your honest answers. It was very helpful to hear about what happened with you.

 

My issue is that when I started with him I had vivid dreams that we were together, you know those dreams you have once in a blue moon that feel so real. I had another one last night, it was a comforting feeling that he was with me in my dream. I haven't had that one like that for a long time. I don't know if it means anything, but there it is.

 

I had dreams too, thought they meant something too. But I was looking for anything to pin some hopes on...even dreams. Because we were meant to be together, right? I didn't risk everything for nothing.

 

Probably a year or so after d-day I had this clear, vivid dream. An older man came up to me and told me he was xMM's father (who had passed not long before I'd met him). He said, xMM needs you. He needs your help. I said, No, I'm sorry, no. Father: Please, he's in a bad way, he needs help, please talk to him. Me: No. He is not my problem anymore. No. Father: Please, please, just talk to him... I thought, NO! Then there was this big whoosh and I woke up.

 

If I'd been in a different mindset, or not had a d-day, I most likely would've contacted him to see what was up. But I didn't, because it was just a dream. The message that I'd been understanding for a year---that he wasn't my problem, never was--just made it down to my subconscious.

 

I'm rambling now, sorry. I guess my point is, don't look for meaning where there is none. And I know that is difficult after being in an A with a MM...after looking for meaning in every little thing, which is almost the nature of an A. Good luck.

[mysterywoman]

I had dreams too, thought they meant something too. But I was looking for anything to pin some hopes on...even dreams. Because we were meant to be together, right? I didn't risk everything for nothing.

 

Probably a year or so after d-day I had this clear, vivid dream. An older man came up to me and told me he was xMM's father (who had passed not long before I'd met him). He said, xMM needs you. He needs your help. I said, No, I'm sorry, no. Father: Please, he's in a bad way, he needs help, please talk to him. Me: No. He is not my problem anymore. No. Father: Please, please, just talk to him... I thought, NO! Then there was this big whoosh and I woke up.

 

If I'd been in a different mindset, or not had a d-day, I most likely would've contacted him to see what was up. But I didn't, because it was just a dream. The message that I'd been understanding for a year---that he wasn't my problem, never was--just made it down to my subconscious.

 

I'm rambling now, sorry. I guess my point is, don't look for meaning where there is none. And I know that is difficult after being in an A with a MM...after looking for meaning in every little thing, which is almost the nature of an A. Good luck.

 

Thank you for all your help and sharing your experience. Are you ever tempted to contact him or has he ever reached out to you within the past year out of curiosity?

[mysterywoman]

Thank you for all your help and sharing your experience. Are you ever tempted to contact him or has he ever reached out to you within the past year out of curiosity?

Mine did not give me a STD, I think that makes a difference in your feelings toward him, I know if that happened to me with my ex that would have been very upsetting and changed my whole outlook on him.

[Bittersweetie]

Mystery, you are so welcome.

 

He's never tried to contact me, and during the first year I was curious, but I didn't contact. Now, there's no interest or curiosity. He could be doing the same things like he did with me, or he could've become Mother Teresa II. I don't care.

 

TBH, my current feelings for him have less to do with the STD and more with his actions, my actions, and the nature of the relationship. With the STD, in a way that was my own fault because I chose to have unprotected sex. It's more when I look back at the choices I made (like the sex one) that make me feel ill. That I chose to disrespect and hurt so many people, including myself.

[mysterywoman]

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. If he really wants you he will come back. I don't think he's good enough for you to be honest. The best way to get over him is to get your hair done, buy yourself some new clothes and focus on looking really attractive again. Then you will attract male attention which will make you feel good. Don't go with other men to get over your MM. Your husband is not right for you. You know that deep down. In time you will find another man who excites you and who you will adore and your marriage will come to an end.It's easy for others to judge you because they are not you and they are probably harder and more cynical than you. If you don't find another man who you adore then stay on your own. You will be much happier. There is nothing worse than being in a loveless marriage longing for someone else.

 

Thank you, I was trying to replace him with another, but nothing has come of it really, and nothing ever probably will. There is so much that was said between me and MM. One time he wrote to me 'best let sleeping dogs lie'. Another he wrote too much water under the bridge, and it wouldn't be a good idea to meet,that No is the right answer here. Another time he wrote, Bring a handkerchief for the tears.

 

I realise that this is all out of context but...Nice....huh?

[whatatangledweb]

Has he ever been the one to contact you after d-day or are you the one to make all contact? Are you hoping to restart the affair? I am sorry you are so unhappy.

[mysterywoman]

Has he ever been the one to contact you after d-day or are you the one to make all contact? Are you hoping to restart the affair? I am sorry you are so unhappy.

 

It was all me reaching out, I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to reach out if he was going to at all I would have never known since it was too hard to go too long without talking after texting every day for two months and sharing so much.

I have not reached out since the beginning of May ..I will not again . He knows how to contact me if he needs to.

I have a feeling he would have in about three months of NC. We will see. I doubt it but stranger things have happened.

.

[gettingstronger]

Thank you, I was trying to replace him with another, but nothing has come of it really, and nothing ever probably will. There is so much that was said between me and MM. One time he wrote to me 'best let sleeping dogs lie'. Another he wrote too much water under the bridge, and it wouldn't be a good idea to meet,that No is the right answer here. Another time he wrote, Bring a handkerchief for the tears.

 

I realise that this is all out of context but...Nice....huh?

 

 

Not sure of the context, but those sound like the words of an egocentric person. All are geared towards what's best for him and how sad you'll be to without him. Ick

[mysterywoman]

Not sure of the context, but those sound like the words of an egocentric person. All are geared towards what's best for him and how sad you'll be to without him. Ick

 

He is an attractive man and a good lover, yes I think he is a little egocentric maybe, dare I say narcissistic, of course I didn't realise that going in to all this.

He was not very emotionally supportive I don't think, but he would say that people who need emotional support shouldn't be on AM, just his thoughts!

 

Guess what today I was poking around curious about this other site called Victoria Milan, another dating site. Curious, I did a search on his user name from AM. Guess what? He has an account on there too!! Wow ..so not impressed by him right now... ick

 

So mad right now.

Edited June 7, 2015 by mysterywoman

[gettingstronger]

There are lots of attractive men that good lovers. No need to be a dick about it. Glad you are seeing through his facade. Keep on keeping on.

[whichwayisup]

So far I haven't started IC. I have been in it before when I first got marroed. The therapist wasn't very optimistic about my marriage then. I have a young daughter now in school. It is basically for her I stay and my husbsnd but he has many issues and now he's disabled. I feel guilty about all of it.

 

Please get back into counseling. Find a good person to talk to that you can trust and open up to. At least it'll help figure out what you want, either to fix your marriage or divorce, as well as helping you get over (ex)MM in a healthy way.

 

He is an attractive man and a good lover, yes I think he is a little egocentric maybe, dare I say narcissistic, of course I didn't realise that going in to all this.

He was not very emotionally supportive I don't think, but he would say that people who need emotional support shouldn't be on AM, just his thoughts!

 

Guess what today I was poking around curious about this other site called Victoria Milan, another dating site. Curious, I did a search on his user name from AM. Guess what? He has an account on there too!! Wow ..so not impressed by him right now... ick

 

So mad right now.

 

Good, use that anger to make you see reality and get you out of the fantasy and missing him/wanting him. Acceptance is important for you to get through this.