Read the signals all wrong?

[Banjaxed]

My ex broke up with me 2 month ago, ending a 5 year relationship. We've been in touch ever since the break up. Tried being friends but decided it was too hard so we stopped talking to each other. Then a few days ago he calls and tells me that he wants to try the relationship again. I'm elated! But we both decide to take things slow and not jump in where we left off. So, he asks me to hang out and I agree. We hung out yesterday, I met him at his house and we headed downtown for dinner and a nice walk in the city. Now, I thought we were on a date. So at the end of the night we are walking back to the car and I reach to hold his hand. He immediately, rejects it and says "what are you doing?!" I was MORTIFIED!!! So I say "I'm sorry I thought this was a date" and he says "no, I thought we were just hanging out as friends" of course I turn all red and he gives me an akward side hug and then it's my turn to ask him what he's doing and he says "well I can tell you're embarrassed, I'm just trying to make you feel better". Anyways on the drive back to my car (which I left at his house) I decide to just get things out in the open and ask what it is that he wants. He tells me that he just wanted to hang out as friends a few times before putting any labels on anything, so we aren't "dating" we're just "hanging out". He said that he was unsure about everything and doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship and just wants to focus on his career but at the same time he misses me and has feelings for me and can't remember why he broke things off in the first place. I told him I wasn't going to wait around for him to make up his mind and he said "can we just hang out a few times and see where it goes?" I said ok. And when I was leaving he kissed me! WTF?! I mean I won't lie, it felt great but... I'm so confused... If he wants me back, how do I go about taking things slow? There's so much history between us. And if he doesn't want me back then what is he doing? I'm so embarrassed about the whole hand holding thing to!

[pidgeon1010]

My ex broke up with me 2 month ago, ending a 5 year relationship. We've been in touch ever since the break up. Tried being friends but decided it was too hard so we stopped talking to each other. Then a few days ago he calls and tells me that he wants to try the relationship again. I'm elated! But we both decide to take things slow and not jump in where we left off. So, he asks me to hang out and I agree. We hung out yesterday, I met him at his house and we headed downtown for dinner and a nice walk in the city. Now, I thought we were on a date. So at the end of the night we are walking back to the car and I reach to hold his hand. He immediately, rejects it and says "what are you doing?!" I was MORTIFIED!!! So I say "I'm sorry I thought this was a date" and he says "no, I thought we were just hanging out as friends" of course I turn all red and he gives me an akward side hug and then it's my turn to ask him what he's doing and he says "well I can tell you're embarrassed, I'm just trying to make you feel better". Anyways on the drive back to my car (which I left at his house) I decide to just get things out in the open and ask what it is that he wants. He tells me that he just wanted to hang out as friends a few times before putting any labels on anything, so we aren't "dating" we're just "hanging out". He said that he was unsure about everything and doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship and just wants to focus on his career but at the same time he misses me and has feelings for me and can't remember why he broke things off in the first place. I told him I wasn't going to wait around for him to make up his mind and he said "can we just hang out a few times and see where it goes?" I said ok. And when I was leaving he kissed me! WTF?! I mean I won't lie, it felt great but... I'm so confused... If he wants me back, how do I go about taking things slow? There's so much history between us. And if he doesn't want me back then what is he doing? I'm so embarrassed about the whole hand holding thing to!

 

Ehhh don't like the sound of this one. After five years together, he is still trying to figure out whether he wants a relationship with you? And he is giving you mixed signals. Friends don't kiss friends. I would tread cautiously with this one. I would not entertain these so-called friend hang outs unless you can do so with no expectations and realize it runs a very high risk of him breaking it off again. He seems to want everything on his terms and just wants you to play along. Selfish! I am sure you will do what's best for you but I would either 1) continue hanging out as friends with no intimacy involved (i.e. kissing, sex etc.) until he expresses he wants a relationship again, 2) stop seeing him until he can make up his mind completely. I would go with the latter but you know him best. Protect yourself.

[spiderowl]

If he broke if off and you don't want to be just friends with him, then he doesn't get friendship hang-outs. Personally, the minute he dropped my hand, I would have decided there and then that there would be no more hang-outs. That's just insulting. For him to kiss you afterwards, as if it's no big deal to be so intimate with a 'friend', is crazy.

 

It sounds like he's missing you but doesn't want any commitment. He wants to be a single guy again who can date who he wants. He knows he can't commit to you again because dating others would no longer be an option. If he's unsure he wants to be with you, then why should you hang out with him? I know what I would do but of course it's up to you. I would keep him at a distance and make it clear that if we were broken up, we'd no longer be friends and hang out. He can't have it both ways.

[Ruby65]

Sounds like a classic case of having his cake and eating it too.

 

He wants to *try out* being single.... but he still wants his girlfriend there as a Plan B to keep him company and hold his hand through the breakup.

 

I wouldn't put myself through this. If he wants to be single, let him be single -- let him see what life is like without you!

 

More importantly, why put yourself in a position of being in limbo? You deserve better than to be someone's Plan B. Walk away and focus on YOU, on healing. Disappear from his life and make him disappear from yours. Block him everywhere, online and off. After five years, it's going to take you some time to adjust to being single again.... staying in touch with your ex is only delaying the inevitable and making it harder to heal.