Depression after break up

[Kerrie97]

Hey guys (assuming someone will see this and reply)

 

I've never written to a forum before so this is strange to me but I feel like a lost cause and like I have tried every other possible source.

 

A little background information that may help you give me advice, if you choose to or are able to. I am 17, 18 in August and I just recently broke up with my abusive 20 year old boyfriend. We were together since November 2013 so this year would have been our 2nd year together. We broke up briefly in January of this year as I was having some personal issues and attending counselling and I felt it would be best not to drag him through that with me as I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster and felt I was hurting him...when I say "broke up" we were still together, just taking it a little slower, still madly in love and seeing each other a lot less but definitely not completely over. When I was finished with my counselling we decided to start things up again and it was going good, my head was in a better place. I then found out that he had slept with 2 girls in the time we were apart, one being his ex who gave me a really hard time at the beginning of our relationship, both of them being the complete opposite of me (aesthetically) which made my previous depression spiral out of control and my self confidence plummet, I harmed myself and hit an all new low. He couldn't understand why I was so upset considering we were "over" and so on...

 

A couple of months down the line and me still insecure and hurting, we were still together and trying to make it work, he was my first "real" boyfriend and my best friend, I was very emotionally attached to him. He started to become very frustrated with my insecurities and hit me a lot more often but I blamed myself and my irrational sadness towards the situation. We broke up for good in March, with the odd meet up and exchange of "you are the love of my life, I'll always love you, I miss you" etc...

 

It is now May and He has a new girlfriend and I can't seem to overcome my sadness. I know we won't get back together which makes it so much more frustrating. And every now and then I find out through friends, little pieces of information that make me angry. Like that he lost his job in January (whilst we were together) and he told her (the new girlfriend) the day he lost it, but I didn't find out until recently, he has been staying at her house and sleeping with her friends before he started going out with her, he told our friend that she was stunning and that he would definitely go out with her (if he wasn't with me) and knowing this is making me ill, physically and emotionally. I have gone from having no appetite and not eaten for weeks to eating everything in site and crying uncontrollably, in work, on the bus, at home etc...I keep making up scenarios in my head that support the idea that he was cheating on me with her and that she is so much better than me, and already I have recognised that this is paranoia, it still affects me massively.

 

I have randomly bumped into his new girlfriend twice now and I told her everything that he done to me (rape, abuse etc) and she continues to see him which angers me. I feel like I just want to constantly inflict some sort of pain on him. I found out he was staying with her in her student accommodation (his mum kicked him out after walking in on him hitting me) and I told her college so that they would kick him out, which they did, but nothing seems to work, and the idea of him loving her makes me physically sick. I know I sound like an obsessive bitch but I don't want to be the one hurting, he ****ed up, not me. Why am I the one living in constant agony and grieving over him when he can so easily find someone better?

 

I know this is long but I don't think anyone would be able to help without knowing everything.

 

Can someone give me advice? I am really starting to give up hope and my depression is eating me alive

[La.Primavera]

I feel like I just want to constantly inflict some sort of pain on him. I found out he was staying with her in her student accommodation (his mum kicked him out after walking in on him hitting me) and I told her college so that they would kick him out, which they did, but nothing seems to work, and the idea of him loving her makes me physically sick. I know I sound like an obsessive bitch but I don't want to be the one hurting, he ****ed up, not me. Why am I the one living in constant agony and grieving over him when he can so easily find someone better?

 

I've highlighted what stood out to me the most. Right now you are consumed by anger and retribution. Unfortunately matters of the heart don't work that way. Often times one person is hurt by a breakup while the other person moves on and happily dates other people. They don't feel the same sense of loss.

 

I am not discounting the fact that he sounds like a complete jerk but his behaviour already suggested his lack of caring about sleeping around and being violent. Trying to make him suffer or regret his decision is a waste of your time and energy.

 

I think you are focused on the wrong thing here. Instead of being so focused on him, what you need to be more concerned about is you! Your happiness is the most important thing right now. You have been through so much, it sounds almost unbearable. Perhaps you could go back to counselling for a while just so your depression doesn't get any worse.

 

Everything about this guy screams waste of time. You need to try and avoid him and any of the other girls who have the misfortune of dating him. He is not your problem anymore, you don't need to be giving him so much attention. You need to heal from this breakup and focus on building up your confidence again through doing things that you enjoy and make you happy. Stay away from things that bring you down.

 

Bitterness and anger will only bring you down further. Success is always the best revenge.

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

Hello friend.

I in many ways completely understand how this goes for you. Something very similar happened to me after getting out of an 8 year mentally abusive relationship. I went on a screw it I am going to eat whatever I want and not care how I look binge which was completely unhealthy for me and came to grow a deep anxiety that rocked how I viewed small things.

For instance, I would get nervous driving to work as if I could crash and die, or when I traveled on plane after about 9 years of not doing so I got so scared of turbulence I did not understand why.

The hate, oh the hate I had for my ex. She always got into my head and made me believe that she would be there for me but when I came out to her she would call me weak and pathetic. She reeled me in to see her and then left me in the dark. I truly hated her and wanted to cause so much pain to her.

In the end I ended up hurting myself physically, having seen her after a 3 year absence she got into my head without even speaking to me and I ended up getting drunk, punching a mirror and almost severing my finger.

With this, I want you to know, you CANNOT hold on to that person any longer. REMOVE all remnants of what was left, AVOID listening to any progress and passively smile and avoid his SO now.

You are only hurting yourself and not letting yourself heal. The best revenge in the world? IT IS LIVING WELL!

Move on and push forward with your life. DO NOT look back and think of how they are, essentially **** HIM. Why should he matter to you anymore?

YOU ARE YOU and YOU NEED TO DO YOU amiga.

I wish you the best.

-F

[mightycpa]

I have randomly bumped into his new girlfriend twice now and I told her everything that he done to me (rape, abuse etc) and she continues to see him which angers me. I feel like I just want to constantly inflict some sort of pain on him. I found out he was staying with her in her student accommodation (his mum kicked him out after walking in on him hitting me) and I told her college so that they would kick him out, which they did, but nothing seems to work, and the idea of him loving her makes me physically sick. I know I sound like an obsessive bitch but I don't want to be the one hurting, he ****ed up, not me. Why am I the one living in constant agony and grieving over him when he can so easily find someone better?

 

Did I just read the word RAPE? As in, a crime of violence that has the trappings of sex, but it really an act of power and control and humiliation?

 

If you were actually RAPED, and I say it that way because you so casually tossed the word out there in a way that any word would have done, but if you were actually RAPED, then you need to report that to the police. You are likely suffering from the trauma of that act, and in short, no wonder you're all ****ed up.

 

Did the word RAPE come up in your counseling?

 

I'm pretty much stuck on this point. Can you clarify?

[iceteaguy]

First of welcome to the forum, like you I was new to the forum (almost a week here)

 

I've read a lot and learn a lot. Just keep ranting and posting about your situation because you'll come to find out that you're not alone and many people are going through the exact same feelings, sadness, anger, crying..etc...

 

Let it out, cry and start healing by doing No Contact.

[Kerrie97]

Did I just read the word RAPE? As in, a crime of violence that has the trappings of sex, but it really an act of power and control and humiliation?

 

If you were actually RAPED, and I say it that way because you so casually tossed the word out there in a way that any word would have done, but if you were actually RAPED, then you need to report that to the police. You are likely suffering from the trauma of that act, and in short, no wonder you're all ****ed up.

 

Did the word RAPE come up in your counseling?

 

I'm pretty much stuck on this point. Can you clarify?

 

To clarify, when I say rape, I mean; I was staying at his house, sleeping naked in bed (not an abnormal thing for me) and I woke up with a sock in my mouth and him having sex with me and when I tried to get him off he thought I was role playing and he kept going even whilst I was crying, obviously I was feeling disgusting and I didn't want it to happen etc...I also woke up a couple of times to him touching me and when I questioned it or moved away he just pulled me back, told me to shut up and continued. I also woke up a few times to him masterbating and "coming" on me...I hate using the words "rape" and "abuse" but that's what it is.

 

I didn't mention this at counselling because at the time we were still together and I was scared he would get into serious trouble and also, I guess I kind of pushed it to the side and disregarded it after he said "I thought you were into trying new things and that you would have enjoyed it", I can be pretty adventurous in bed but I don't think anyone can ever be mentally prepared for waking up at 1am with "the love of their life" disrespecting and misusing their body, you know?

[tobrieornottobrie]

Kerrie97,

Are you still in counseling? I think that speaking to a professional about what you've described here is going to be really important step in getting healthy, mentally and emotionally. What are you doing to take care of yourself since the breakup? Are you furthering your education or pursuing a career? Take time to focus on yourself, work out, eat healthy, do things that you enjoy. Remember that you can't take responsibility for other's actions, his or his new girlfriend. I'm wishing you the best.

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Thecondor1991]

I truly feel for you. My ex constantly told me stories of a very abusive boyfriend she had. My ex would tell me how she was raped by him, and how he would punch, choke, and even hit her with objects. She even told me how he emotionally abused her, making her feel like she wasn't good enough to find anyone that would actually care for her, and when your being abused its very easy to believe that, especially, if you are already dealing with depression, Which my ex was because she had also lost her mother a year prior to breast cancer. I do hope your still in counselling, the anger you feel for this guy may never go away but with help you can definitely begin to get over him. Its natural to be angry with your ex after a break up especially if they jump from you to another person. However you have to look at it like this, you are far too young to have this weighing your life down. You have only had one serious boyfriend and he was an absolute piece of ****. I was the exact opposite of my exes ex. I was caring, kind, romantic, and would never even have dreamed of putting a violent hand on her, or saying something that would make her feel bad about herself. The reason I say this is because she had to get away from that abusive relationship to find a better one in me. You have to do the same love.