He left his wife

[Lois_Griffin]

The one thing you DO need to bear in mind regardless of what decision you make, is that you know exactly how your xMM handles tough times/adversity.

 

He cheats. And lies.

 

That is an empirical fact of his character that can't be denied.

 

Yeah, yeah...I know. But he won't cheat on you. That's the same exact thing his wife said, too.

 

Just keeping it real.

[Sub]

Maybe I've missed it, but how long have you been with the BF?

[Popsicle]

On second thought...

 

1. Who filed the petition for divorce? Has xMM ever left his wife before?

 

2. If xMM goes back to his wife next month, would you regret ending it with your boyfriend?

 

3. What papers are signed? Divorce papers, separation papers?

 

My advice is to continue your relationship with your boyfriend. If your emotional intimacy issues cannot be resolved then end it. However, I would not continue contact with XMM until your relationship is over and his divorce is final.

 

This is true. In my eyes, separation is not divorce. And the divorce must be final, not just filed. Tell him to come back then. If he does, and you're still not broken up with your boyfriend by then, you can revisit this again then.

[cocorico]

The one thing you DO need to bear in mind regardless of what decision you make, is that you know exactly how your xMM handles tough times/adversity.

 

He cheats. And lies.

 

That is an empirical fact of his character that can't be denied.

 

Yeah, yeah...I know. But he won't cheat on you. That's the same exact thing his wife said, too.

 

Just keeping it real.

 

You know, the "if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you" line gets really old, and is so simplistic I can't believe anyone actually buys it. Sure, there are a handful of "serial cheats", but most people who have an affair have *an* affair, in a particular set of circumstances, and move on from that. Sometimes, people do fall in love while married to another. And then leave, to be with their love. And don't cheat. I'm sure that happens far more than you'd be comfortable admitting.

 

If past behaviour was a simple predictor of future behaviour, then people would either be chronically dishonest as soon as they popped out of the womb, or would never ever lie, cheat, or engage in any duplicity or subterfuge. Instead there are many shades of grey - people who are honest and faithful for decades of marriage, until one day they stray. Or people who, early on, wander from the straight and narrow, but then take themselves in hand and never do so again. People change.

 

I'm sure the people from Survivor or I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here don't go around grubbing for worms and gross things to eat in their compost bins when they get home, just because they did it once.

[cocorico]

Mm was never mean. A bit selfish at times during the A in that I don't think he understood the effect at the time on me but during the break up he was respectful. He pleaded and promised he was leaving her and begged me to stand by him but once I put my foot down he left me alone. He never through me under the bus to any of our mutual acquaintances and we did not have a dd. in all honestly he was my best friend during the affair. It was never really all about either one of us. He always tried to make sure I was ok and comfortable but there were things I just couldn't handle (being taken away for the night to be woken in the middle of the night because he had to "get home"-- he only did that once because I put my foot down) and once I set boundaries he respected them...tbh the last 7ish months of our A was a friendship more than anything..we just really love to be around each other. We finish sentences and we enjoy each other's company.

 

 

In a previous thread, you said:

 

- I don't trust him, Part of me is terrified he will leave his wife and want a relationship with me because then that leaves my ow space open and despite his claims that I'm all he's ever wanted I don't believe him..

 

Is this still a concern for you? What you've described above is all glowing and positive, and I guess my question is, which is your true feeling about him? It's possible that in the earlier thread you were deliberately focusing only on the negatives to make NC easier, and convincing yourself that a FTR wouldn't be a good idea anyway.... But equally, it might be possible that because it's now within your grasp, you're choosing only to focus on the positives, and to put the reservations to the back of your mind.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't hold out hope of a FTR with him - and I'm certainly not saying that fMM should not be trusted in FTRs. I've been happily M to my fMM for many years now and I've never had the slightest reason to distrust him or to worry about him being unfaithful. But then, I never had those concerns about him during the A. You did - and that may have been because you were hearing all the scare-stories here, or it could be that your interactions with him were warning you that something was a little off. Be sure you know which it was, and that you're going into any potential FTR with your eyes wide open, and not ignoring any "red flags" that bothered you previously in your R with him.

 

And - the new BF? Dump him. Gently, respectfully, but it's not going to work now. The glimmer of a maybe with your fMM has put paid to that. He's forever going to be measured against the "wonderful" you had with fMM - whether consiously or not - and that simply isn't fair to him. Personally, I'd be honest with him - tell him there was this guy you really felt a connection with, but a FTR was impossible because he was taken, and so you never got to try it on. But now he's on the market, and you find yourself thinking, "what if", and your feelings keep threatening to resurface, and you recognise that this isn't fair to BF. So you want to let him go, to spend some time sorting out your feelings for this other guy and seeing if that's worth pursuing. You don't have to tell him about the A. But you do owe it to him to explain that he's now in competition with your potential feelings for someone else.

[Sub]

And - the new BF? Dump him. Gently, respectfully, but it's not going to work now. The glimmer of a maybe with your fMM has put paid to that. He's forever going to be measured against the "wonderful" you had with fMM - whether consiously or not - and that simply isn't fair to him. Personally, I'd be honest with him - tell him there was this guy you really felt a connection with, but a FTR was impossible because he was taken, and so you never got to try it on. But now he's on the market, and you find yourself thinking, "what if", and your feelings keep threatening to resurface, and you recognise that this isn't fair to BF. So you want to let him go, to spend some time sorting out your feelings for this other guy and seeing if that's worth pursuing. You don't have to tell him about the A. But you do owe it to him to explain that he's now in competition with your potential feelings for someone else.

 

Most of this, although maybe not to the point of breaking up. I was going to say be patient with the BF, as I'd be wary of diving in with the MM simply because he "gets you" and finishes your sentences. You said you guys turned into friends toward the end, which is fine. Enough to stop exploring what you currently have going? I can see why you'd be confused. You and the BF communicated about a lack of emotional connection to the point you had fallen in love and were "so happy". That's a pretty significant deal IMO. And there's no issues physically, I'm assuming. BUT.....to cocorico's point, you're just going to compare him to the MM. So explain the situation to him. This may serve as a huge opportunity. Communicating with him about what's going on, you may see a part of him in how he handles the news that helps clarify your feelings for both men. He may respond in a way that surprises you.

[sunburned]

Hi, Notthisgirl! Welcome back. It's good to hear from you though I am sorry it is in this confused state!

 

Nearly a year ago you posted that MM and his wife separated but you were dating a great new guy. What happened? Did he return to his M after you rebuffed him? Have you considered this could be more of the same? It sounds like your xAP needs some quality time with himself. He needs to figure things out on his own and stabilize his personal life before he can be a true partner to anyone else. Even if the separation is "real" this time and ultimately leading to divorce, why take on that case load?

[jwi71]

Ugh. I'm in a predicament. Former mm and I were in an Intense affair that was so much more than sex. In fact actual sex was rare. We saw each other almost every day and we were deeply emotionally and spiritually connected. It's almost as of there is an electric current between us... Sounds crazy. I know. Anyways, a while ago I finally ended it and went nc. Deleted him on our messaging app and asked him not to call or email and for the most part he respected that. I got the odd call or message from him but I ignored it and he went away. We ran into each other occasionally as we live in a relatively small city and frequent the same spots ( which is how we met) but we were both respectful and would just wave or nod acknowledgement but still nc. When we went no contact I told him not to call or text me until he had signed separation papers and actually moved out

 

So then, i met a guy. A single guy who for all intents and purposes is perfect (on paper) he's kind and stable and intelligent and most importantly he's really good to me and would do anything for me... We (in my opinion) have always lacked "chemistry" not sexual but emotional but we've talked about it and over the past year or so we fell in love and I was so happy. I think it was also just so nice to be with someone who doesn't have to hide Kwim?

 

Fast fwd to a week ago. I got an email from mm. He's left. Papers are signed (copy included) and he's bought his own house. He stated he felt that I should know, that he felt wrong me not knowing and that he wants to get together to talk.

 

I'm so confused now. The pull to him is so crazy. He was my best friend and he got me like no one else. We got each other. And now he's available and I'm not but I'm questioning my new relationship in a big way which makes me wonder if it's fair to stay with new guy even if mm and I don't get back together because I feel so guilty for having these feelings.

 

Any help... Especially from those who've been here would be great...

 

I don't know the particulars of your story.

And...this situation is, believe it or not, pretty rare. At least online anyways.

 

My advice to you is this:

 

1) No need to rush and meet xMM.

2) You have some homework. Your assignment is to read every post and reply in your threads.

3) Gather those people who know of the A, and who are on YOUR side, and discuss with them.

 

My worry is you are the low hanging fruit for xMM. As you are, potentially, saying with BF for security (aka not be alone) your xMM may be attempting the same - with you.

 

If, after reading and digesting your threads, the replies and after consultations with your friends, and you still want to meet xMM. Do so.

 

But tell your BF first. While it is perfectly acceptable to have coffee with male friends, it is NOT acceptable to meet, in secret, your former AP that your current BF doesn't even know exists.

 

As for making the wrong choice - there is no wrong choice unless you choose to do wrong.

[finally43]

Hi Nothisgirl,

 

I have been reading here for a while and registered today after reading your recent thread.

 

Please please please go slow. Please. I just don't trust the xMM right now to do right by you. He kept you hanging on for so long, he knew how much he was hurting you and he selfishly didn't care.

 

He is not divorced. Please don't rush anything. Let him be alone. Let him work on himself. Sounds like he wants a soft place to land.

 

Regarding your boyfriend, I'm confused on how you can love, be in love with, someone you say you have no emotional connection to. That for me doesn't make sense...it's like saying you don't trust your partner (because I believe without trust, there can't be love). You also say something about him trying to change to "get you", but how are you trying to "change" to connect with him?

 

Are you positive this "lack of connection" isn't more amplified because of the message from xMM? You know how some people re-write history...are you sure you aren't making things seem "worse" because you heard from xMM? Why is it negative to not think the same? You and xMM didn't think the same...he thought nothing of cheating and betraying his partner; two things I don't ever see you being comfortable doing.

 

Are you really sure you want to throw away a relationship with someone you love for a former lover? You do know you will never reclaim the relationship of the past. You also may never fully trust him (rightfully so) and you may harbor resentment for all the hurt he put you through. Please go back and re-read your old threads. Your hurt and sadness was palpable and anyone who reads them can feel your sorrow.

 

Please go slow. Please.

[goldengirl11]

Hi Nothisgirl,

 

I have been reading here for a while and registered today after reading your recent thread.

 

Please please please go slow. Please. I just don't trust the xMM right now to do right by you. He kept you hanging on for so long, he knew how much he was hurting you and he selfishly didn't care.

 

He is not divorced. Please don't rush anything. Let him be alone. Let him work on himself. Sounds like he wants a soft place to land.

 

Regarding your boyfriend, I'm confused on how you can love, be in love with, someone you say you have no emotional connection to. That for me doesn't make sense...it's like saying you don't trust your partner (because I believe without trust, there can't be love). You also say something about him trying to change to "get you", but how are you trying to "change" to connect with him?

 

Are you positive this "lack of connection" isn't more amplified because of the message from xMM? You know how some people re-write history...are you sure you aren't making things seem "worse" because you heard from xMM? Why is it negative to not think the same? You and xMM didn't think the same...he thought nothing of cheating and betraying his partner; two things I don't ever see you being comfortable doing.

 

Are you really sure you want to throw away a relationship with someone you love for a former lover? You do know you will never reclaim the relationship of the past. You also may never fully trust him (rightfully so) and you may harbor resentment for all the hurt he put you through. Please go back and re-read your old threads. Your hurt and sadness was palpable and anyone who reads them can feel your sorrow.

 

Please go slow. Please.

 

Sorry to gatecrash the conversation, but I feel similar to this situation. Although there is no new boyfriend. My MM strung me along for the best part of 3 years and since leaving in March, he has now been hesitant whether he wants a relationship or not. It's tearing me apart and I feel like I'm being played. Really disappointed. We slept together once since in a hotel, after we started meeting up again (he says there are usually gaps in-between) and was really upset when he said a couple of days beforehand if we could put the relationship stuff aside for now and just live in the moment. We then felt like a couple that weekend and then a few days afterwards say, but it feels like the roles have reversed again. I actually in a way preferred it when he was still with his wife, as often feel sick when he's out socialising. I just feel like an option now, but I'd like to believe from what he's told me there's noone else. It also doesn't help that despite him moving out, we both have awkward home situations right now, otherwise l would invite him over. He said he feels uncomfortable about me staying with other flatmates etc, but not ruled it out. Might be staying next Mon, but am worried re meeting this weekend, as nothing planned yet. Again sorry for interrupting your thread and long message! Atb.

Edited June 3, 2015 by goldengirl11

[beatcuff]

from the OP i pulled these two quotes.

 

... When we went no contact I told him not to call or text me until he had signed separation papers and actually moved out.

 

I got an email from mm. He's left. Papers are signed (copy included) and he's bought his own house. He stated he felt that I should know, that he felt wrong me not knowing and that he wants to get together to talk.

 

i am wondering if he is letting you know so 'you don't hear it from someone else' (bold) or if he is following your request (first quote).

 

meet with him. THEN decide what to do. for those that want you to break up first, what if your X wanted to make certain you were aware he is moving forward WITHOUT you. that he didn't want you to hear and start calling him.

 

only he knows and after you meet with him then you will too.