username11 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 My girlfriend of two years broke up with me 4 months ago but we haven't gone a week without talking since we broke up. We're still best friends, have been honest about everything that has happened, and are in love. A little over a month ago, I had sex with another girl at a party. it meant nothing and I regret doing it, but it happened. I go to a different school than my ex gf, but we still have a lot of mutual friends. People have told her what happened, but I have denied everything. She believes me and we are very much in love. I really don't feel guilty about what happened (she has talked to other guys while we have been broken up) but I have always been against lying. I see and hear the statement "if she really loves you, she will forgive you" a lot, especially on these websites. But I don't think that's the case here. We've been through so much the last 2.5 years, and this is the healthiest our relationship has ever been. We respect each other and take care of each other. She's everything I've ever wanted. We're happy, exclusive, and she's told me she wants to get back together, but she'll never talk to me again if I tell her I lied and what actually happened. I cheated once but I was honest and things worked out in the end. No ones perfect. I just don't know what to do in this situation. Any advice/comments would be really appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I'm confused. Were you together at the time you slept with this other girl or not? If so, why even lie about it in the first place? If you were broken up, you were both entitled to see/sleep with whomever. You only made it worse on yourself by lying about it. I feel like I'm having Ross and Rachel flashbacks here. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author username11 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 We weren't together and weren't talking. But we have been having sex and hanging out on and off since we broke up (more and more recently). A friend of hers told her I slept with someone else yesterday, and I denied it because I know it would be the end of our friendship/relationship. She hasn't slept with anyone to my knowledge but has lied about going on dates, etc. We have forgiven and moved on from many things, but I think this would be different. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 dude.. you can't lie like that.. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 "We weren't together and weren't talking" you mean that day you decided to have sex with another girl? You can't justify your actions. You been having sex and being intimate with this girl you love and then had sex during that time with someone else. You have to tell her what happened, in person, the next time you see here. To me, there is no other option if you respect her and yourself like you say you do. This will come back to bite you in the arse if you let it go and it's not fair to her. Be straight up now and let the chips fly where they fly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author username11 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 Not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. Thanks for the advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Not only should you tell her the truth -- you should feel absolutely ZERO guilt about it! You're in love.... you're "best friends".... you're in constant contact.... you're having sex.... your relationship is best it's ever been... but you're not together? If she's the one who's resisting reconciliation, then THIS is the price she pays. Poor baby. If you're not together, then you're a single free agent and you can have sex with anyone, anywhere, any time and in any way. IF she wants you to be "faithful" to her -- then it's time for her to get back together with you as a couple. If she won't agree to reconcile, she's got absolutely no one to blame for this but herself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Sorry, I somehow looked past the fact she was the one to break up. As Ruby65 mentions, you should not then feel guilty. She let you go and you both decided to stay in touch. You should still tell her, but remind her that she had broken it off with you at the time, but you still feel bad for not telling her the truth in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I get what people are saying, but you're really not lily-white either. You lied to her, to convince her you were telling the truth. You KNEW she would believe you, because she trusts you and believes you wouldn't lie to her. That's dishonest and disrespectful. And frankly, sleeping together and having sex? You're using one another for physical gratification - and YOU didn't want that to end. You LIKE sex with her. So you lied, because you knew that the truth would end that advantage. That's really being a bit manipulative, don't you think? If you guys aren't dating and serious about being with one another, then it's a fwb situation. But that situation leaves you both free to bed other people too. Her as well as your prerogative. But don't lie. That's just mean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 We weren't together and weren't talking. But we have been having sex and hanging out on and off since we broke up (more and more recently). A friend of hers told her I slept with someone else yesterday, and *I denied it because I know it would be the end of our friendship/relationship. She hasn't slept with anyone to my knowledge but has lied about going on dates, etc. We have forgiven and moved on from many things, but I think this would be different. Lies are very corrosive to a person's character, and carry a high price, even if you successfully deceive the other person. Don't be a dishonest person. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 ..... We've been through so much the last 2.5 years, and this is the healthiest our relationship has ever been. We respect each other and take care of each other. She's everything I've ever wanted. I'm sorry, but I see this as untrue and hypocritical. If she really was 'everything you ever wanted' then having sex with another girl would absolutely have been totally off the agenda. This is healthy? Respectful...? Not in my dictionary it isn't.... Never mind that you regret it - what made you do it? And please don't say it was the party/drink.... We're happy, exclusive, and she's told me she wants to get back together, but she'll never talk to me again if I tell her I lied and what actually happened. Then why on earth would you jeopardise this by doing the very thing she didn't want you to do? Talking to other guys doesn't equate with having sex... I cheated once but I was honest and things worked out in the end. No ones perfect. I just don't know what to do in this situation. Any advice/comments would be really appreciated. In your shoes, I'd brace yourself for the inevitable.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 If you weren't officially together, then you were free to see whoever you wanted. Lying about it is worse than having done it in the first place. It's a great way to completely destroy her trust in you if more evidence comes out. And if she does believe you, then you're taking advantage of her trust. It's a great way to alienate her friends and turn them all against you. Karma will come back to bite you the next time you guys have a fight, and they convince her you're no good for her. It's a better to be honest and deal with the consequences of your actions now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Since you are not together you owe her no faithfulness. I am one of those people who thinks that exclusivity is something that requires a mature discussion before one can declare it to be so. Being GF and BF can, to an extent, just happen.... but promises are verbal contracts. In this case not only did you not promise her anything she explicitly did not promise you anything. I don't think you need to tell her unless you got an STD. What you do on your time is none of her business. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Since you are not together you owe her no faithfulness. I am one of those people who thinks that exclusivity is something that requires a mature discussion before one can declare it to be so. Being GF and BF can, to an extent, just happen.... but promises are verbal contracts. In this case not only did you not promise her anything she explicitly did not promise you anything. I don't think you need to tell her unless you got an STD. What you do on your time is none of her business. I don't think the problem is so much that he did it, but when it was brought up, he lied about it. If having sex and being with other people was understood, then there would be no reason to lie. Either way, it's still probably something that shouldn't have been done if there were serious thoughts about getting back together because he truly loved her and not a lot of time had passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author username11 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Sorry for the day-late response guys. We're heading off to college next year and I would love to spend the summer with her. I know she feels the same. College is a different story and is one of the main reasons why we broke up in the first place. When I slept with the other girl, my ex was in florida on spring break. She left in a fight and we hadn't talked for a week. When she got back, she was the one that texted me asking to hang out and get coffee. I didn't feel the need to tell her then - it would've sounded like I was bragging when I actually regretted my decision. The girl I slept with has an ex boyfriend who doesn't like me. He found out that I had sex with his ex so he told mine. I'm still deciding what to do and haven't told her yet. I am very against lying and have always been an honest boyfriend. We don't use each other for physical gratification, we love each other and have a very mature relationship. But we're both very stubborn people and we clash sometimes. I can spend the last summer of high school and make memories with her that I will remember for a lifetime or I can tell the truth about a drunk night that happened over a month ago and not talk to her for the whole summer. Personally, I don't want to know what she has done since we broke up (I really don't know, she goes to a different school) and I am perfectly fine working on our relationship now and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Sorry for the day-late response guys. We're heading off to college next year and I would love to spend the summer with her. I know she feels the same. College is a different story and is one of the main reasons why we broke up in the first place. When I slept with the other girl, my ex was in florida on spring break. She left in a fight and we hadn't talked for a week. When she got back, she was the one that texted me asking to hang out and get coffee. I didn't feel the need to tell her then - it would've sounded like I was bragging when I actually regretted my decision. The girl I slept with has an ex boyfriend who doesn't like me. He found out that I had sex with his ex so he told mine. I'm still deciding what to do and haven't told her yet. I am very against lying and have always been an honest boyfriend. We don't use each other for physical gratification, we love each other and have a very mature relationship. But we're both very stubborn people and we clash sometimes. I can spend the last summer of high school and make memories with her that I will remember for a lifetime or I can tell the truth about a drunk night that happened over a month ago and not talk to her for the whole summer. Personally, I don't want to know what she has done since we broke up (I really don't know, she goes to a different school) and I am perfectly fine working on our relationship now and moving on. This basically says "I made a dumb decision, but I'm not giving her the option of honesty, and being able to make her own mind up about us, because I'd much rather lie and be with her, than be honest and respect her opinion, whatever that may be." Lying by omission, is still lying. You say one thing, but your actions say another. Fundamentally, you're a coward, because you want what YOU have got. You don't want what the result of honesty might be. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 "I am very against lying" no, you're not We don't use each other for physical gratification, we love each other and have a very mature relationship." no, you don't 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Sleeping with someone else while broken up=OK Lying about it when specifically asked=not OK Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 To be brutally honest with you, OP, it sounds like you value honesty only when it doesn't stand in the way of something else that you want, like a summer of sex with this girl. I hate to say it, but unless you were honest with her from the beginning, you can't keep repeating how much you "value honesty" in your relationships. It seems to me that you can either bite the bullet and tell her the truth now, or keep going without telling her the truth, but I wouldn't expect this relationship to survive too long if you choose that path because the truth always comes out eventually, and getting caught in a lie is far worse than telling an uncomfortable truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author username11 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 I've never lied to her. This is the first time in two years. So yes, I have been very against lying. If I tell her the truth, I'll lose her. She doesn't think rationally about things like this and she wouldnt't talk to me ever again. I'm embarrassed to tell her what happened and regret what I did. This seems like such a stupid reason to lose her over. We're ridiculously happy right now. Telling her is going to ruin her last few days of high school and first few weeks over summer. This isn't something that will blow over. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I've never lied to her. This is the first time in two years. So yes, I have been very against lying. If I tell her the truth, I'll lose her. She doesn't think rationally about things like this and she wouldnt't talk to me ever again. I'm embarrassed to tell her what happened and regret what I did. This seems like such a stupid reason to lose her over. We're ridiculously happy right now. Telling her is going to ruin her last few days of high school and first few weeks over summer. This isn't something that will blow over. So you are prepared to continue living a lie for selfish reasons. I don't care if you've 'never lied to her'. You're lying now, and what's more, you're maintaining that lie, which shows zero respect for her. You are withholding the truth because it's convenient to you, not because of her temperament. I think her thinking would be entirely rational. She wouldn't ever talk to you again - and she'd be right. Not only did you lie to her, you also used her closeness and trust in you, to manipulate her into believing you. It's a stupid reason to lose her because let's face it, it's stupid to lie, and it's stupid to cheat. But then again, it shows character, doesn't it? Telling her will ruin it for you, is what you mean.... So tell her after the summer. Better...? Link to post Share on other sites
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