Long-Distance - Internet Love

[Stupid Girl]

I have a real problem. I have fallen for someone who lives in the USA, I live in Australia. I met him online in October and it was when my marriage was in a very bad state, and I was thinking of leaving my husband. We clicked from the start and I can't express how many common interests there are, but it was like finding a long lost friend, soul mate and lover. I had met many nice guys on line, but never anyone in life like this. We are both 27. He is Japanese American, I am Australian and speak Japanese, which is our main interest and hard to find that combination. It's really important to me. I don't have that in my husband. But there's all the other things like sexuality, interests - down to having the same favourite art-house films, obscure ones, novels, art, music...we found we shared a passion about all these things and listed the same ones when we had to come up with names and titles..but, i have realised that having a common background, a huge list of common interests, being in love, doesn't count for anything when you are so far away. At least that's how I feel now. I fell madly for him, we had long long phone calls, three hours at a time, exchanged lots of photos and films, hundreds of emails etc. Made plans to visit each other, through out this year, starting with Australia. But, I found it hard to make the break to leave my husband, as he began to make a great effort after our bad year last year, and has been wonderful since I had talks with him about my dissatisfaction. I am not in love with him, I never have been, but I feel that maybe a loving relationship is more valuable than being in love. I don't know. IN any case, my USA friend was urging me to leave my husband so we could meet, and at the same time said we should not be committed. Since I was in love, all I wanted was him. When I finally told my husband I wanted to separate in February, my USA friend said he thought we should date other people, adn he was willing to risk losing me in the process, so I could experience freedom after being married for so long. That's fair enough, but I was leaving my husband for him, not anyone else. He said I shouldn't do that. He said after waiting for me for so long to make the move to leave, he felt he shouldn't put so much weight in me, and should keep his options open. He said he wouldn't be looking for anyone serious, but wanted to go out and date and flirt again, until we can practically be toghether. That really hurt me, even though I know we can't be together yet. But I was prepared to not see other people than him as I was so in love, and didn't want anything else. He finally said he didn't think it was practical for us to be committed until we can be together, although he still wants to be with me in the end. He still wants to visit me here, and says we can make a commitment sometinme, say CHristmas, when we know we can be together. But here I am potentially getting divorced so I can be with him, and he isn't going ot be around to help me through if he is seeing other women. I am quite upset and jealous about this. He says he loves me and treasures me, that I am so unique and such a great fit, but he is still willing to lose me. I asked him how someone could be prepared to lose someone who could be the best thing in the world, for a few months of self-indulgence? He just keeps saying it's not practical or possible to make a commitment yet. So I conceded that it is not practical, but that I would still like to see him make an effort towards us being able to be together, ie, research visas etc, and he said he can't do anything on his side. But I just sent him a huge email on a meeting i had with the USA consulate about visas which clearly shows he has to see his local immigration office, and that I can't do anything from here. As soon as he started talking about seeing other peole, and trying to force me to, I stopped any plans of separation as my marriage had improved alot, and I started to think what I had might be more valuable. Even if he visits me here, which he really wants to do, he said we can't judge how we will be in real life and only being together will tell. But it is as though he still won't promise anything from it. And, he was the one pushing for about three months to meet, and how in love he was and he just wanted it to confirm his feelings. Now he has backed off and that happened when I said I wasn't sure that I could leave my husband. But, I did go through with it two weeks later, and he still continues to be less enthusiastic or passionate about being devoted to each other. Since he brought up the idea of seeing other people, just as I was making moves to leave, we have been fighting, and arguing, about commitment, love, relationships. He always puts a spin on things to suit his situation, and sees everything in terms of how it benefits him. He has a number of issues about his self-confidence, he says, being Asian, and how other women see him and I said he should sort those out before we have anything serious as I don't always want him to be seeking answers elsewhere in future, I just want him to be happy with who he is. I also don't understand why my love is no longer good enough. Especially as I am doing everything to show him I want to be with him.

 

Anyway, sorry if it's not very coherent, but I think you get the idea. The problem now is, I am not in love wiht my husband, but he is a good honest, caring and kind man, smart, intelligent and will look after me for ever. We get aslong very well, although we don't have th elong list of interests that I do with my other guy, and sexually it is pretty average, has never been exciting. I do value now what we have more than I ever have, especially in light of the problems I was experiencing above. But, I am still in love with this other guy, I can still see that there could be a good future, if we could get past these problems and the distance, but I don't know how to cope with it between now and when we could be together. Should it be open, should I expect him to show more effort? What type of things should he be saying or doing? Should I worry if he sees other women casually? What should I be doing about visas? I don't mind living in the USA and working there, more opportunities than here, and we agreed we would live in Australia in the long run. How should I be feeling? SHould I even be considering this? SHould we meet and at least see if we click in real life? But if we do, I have to leave my husband and don't know if this guys worth it anymore, I thought he might be. Now, I suggested I would go and meet him there, to even see if I like the USA, as coming to Australia won't add any value in the near future. He said that's OK, but he wasn't too excited about it, but I think he's also tired with all the fighting He also lives in SC and says I will proabbly be bored during the day. He sitll wants to meet me here. SHould I just forget abut him anbd concerntrate on my marriage? Does anyone have any experoences or advice about this????????? PLease, I don't want to cry anymore. Thank you.

[Tony T]

Do they use paragraphs is Australia...and do they have Aspirin? I would love the former and I have a great need for the latter.

[Laurynn]

Hi there....

 

First of all, you are NOT REALLY IN LOVE with this guy from SC. You *think* you are, but it's an impossibility. Geez, you two haven't even met in person. It is a total and complete impossibility to fall in love with someone you've never met in person/have never spent REAL-life time with, etc. How do you know for SURE that you have so much in common? He could be telling you all the things you want to hear. He could have several women on the go (ones he's met online) at once, maybe you're not the only one. He could be married with 4 kids. He could sincerely be NOTHING like he's portrayed himself to be through emails/phone conversations, chat, etc. You are in love with the person that he's "portrayed", and nothing more.

 

I am shocked that you would even consider having a future with this guy, moving to the U.S., without ever having met him in person. That is just crazy!!

 

I think you are being rather unfair to your husband...the man you committed your heart and life to. What about the vows you took? (for better for worse....forsaking all others (I'd guess that would also include 'cyber-relationships'). Have you put your heart into trying to mend your marriage, or have you been too busy believing that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? It sounds like you've: a) spent a sh*tload of time, investing your heart and energy in this guy from SC. Is it fair that you didn't do THAT with the man you married? In my eyes, you've been cheating. I'm sure you husband isn't aware of all the hours you've spent on the phone with this guy, all the emails, all the 'sharing', etc., right? I wonder if your husband would even WANT to be in the marriage, if he knew that his wife was having this cyber-relationship with another man, in love with someone else, was considering moving to be with him. Somehow I doubt it.

 

I hate it put it so bluntly, but like my Grandma used to say, you need to either "p*ss or get off the pot"......either you are going to make a commitment to repair your marriage with your husband (counseling, etc) or you leave him. It is definitely not fair for you to have one foot in both circles, so to speak.

 

Now as for this guy.........it's pretty obvious that he's playing games. Him wanting to date other women, not making the effort to look into the visa thing, not making any attempts to meet you, etc. He's stalling. Either because he's truly not interested, or else he's got 15 other women he's stringing along. The internet is a breeding ground for people who string many others along.

 

Have you done absolutely all you can, personally and as a couple to repair your marriage? If the answer is no, you need to get to it. A good, smart, caring man (like you describe him) is damn hard to find these days. So what if you don't have some common interests?.....create some new ones together, show more of an interest in his and perhaps he'll do the same with yours. Communication is also a big factor here. I don't see how on earth you could be communicating with your husband effectively, if you're spending the majority of your time having a cyber-relationship with someone else. It almost seems to me that all you're doing is USING your husband. You're staying with him for security.......but you'd be willing to leave him in a heart beat for this other guy (if the other guy was willing). I think that's wrong and dishonest.

 

I don't have actual statistics, but I can tell you....from being on the Internet for the past 4 years, from having spent time in chat rooms in the past (PAST), from hearing stories and having friends here, I can tell you.....I have yet to hear of one story where a man or woman has a cyber-relationship with someone, and leaves their spouse for that person (particularly when the two people live on different continents) and it works out. It is almost always a complete disaster. How in God's name someone would consider ending their marriage and moving across the world to be with someone they've never even met in person, is BEYOND ME. It makes no logical sense. None whatsoever.

 

Please, for your sake and for the sake of your poor husband, get into some counselling.....on your own, and as a couple. I hope you get to the place where you can be more objective, and realize that "true love" cannot develop or exist over computers and phone lines.

 

Laurynn

[clia]

Yes, please break up your paragraphs if you post again. Very hard to read.

 

You have two completely separate issues here that you are trying to turn into one.

 

1. Should you stay in your marriage?

 

2. Should you continue to pursue things with the USA guy?

 

If you are not happy in your marriage, you should not stay in it. You don't need to have a man waiting in the wings to leave. Obviously you aren't happy, or you wouldn't have 'fallen in love' with a guy you met online. (I question how you can be in love with someone who you've NEVER met, but, whatever.) Your husband sounds like a great guy, although fairly clueness to not realize that you aren't all there. You are not being fair to him. You say that you never loved him--well, why'd you marry him then? Let him go and find someone who WILL love him and not be looking for 'something better' on the Internet. It sounds to me like he deserves better than you.

 

As for this USA guy, I'm glad you found your soulmate. The problem is that talking to someone on the phone, getting e-mails, etc. does not make a relationship. There is so much more that you get from someone in person. Think for a minute about the pressure you are putting on him: You are willing to leave your marriage for him. I know I wouldn't want that kind of pressure. What if you meet, date for a few months, and it doesn't work out? Won't he feel like a big jerk? (And won't you?) In addition, what kind of person are you to cheat on your husband in that way? Why would he want to get involved with someone like you?

 

This sentence "he thought we should date other people, and he was willing to risk losing me in the process, so I could experience freedom after being married for so long." I think he's right! He's looking out for your best interests. It's not a good idea to jump out of a marriage and directly into another serious relationship. He obviously doesn't you picking up and moving to the USA and being completely dependent on him. And I wonder, why wouldn't you want some freedom? What are you afraid of?

 

"He finally said he didn't think it was practical for us to be committed until we can be together." Smart guy. Since you don't even live on the same continent, it's not fair for you to be angry with him for dating other women. I don't see how you can be committed to someone who you never see. Face reality. To make this relationship work, both of you are going to have to go through a HUGE life change. And do you have a life? How is it so easy for you to make the decision to pick up and move to the USA for some guy you've never met? Don't you have friends, family, job, etc.? I wouldn't move 100 miles for a guy unless I had a ring on my finger, and even then I don't know.

 

"But here I am potentially getting divorced so I can be with him, and he isn't going ot be around to help me through if he is seeing other women." He wasn't put on this Earth to help you through your divorce. From his perspective, he would probably rather you get through it on your own and give him a call when you're ready. He's not your therapist, your girlfriend, etc. Don't expect him to pick up the pieces. If you decide to break up your marriage over this guy, it's ALL on you and should have NOTHING to do with him.

 

"Now he has backed off and that happened when I said I wasn't sure that I could leave my husband." Well, duh. What's in it for him if you don't? I hardly think he wants to be pals with you. Like I said, you have TWO separate issues that you need to deal with. Don't mix them up.

 

I don't think you should meet this guy in person until you decide what to do about your marriage. You should not base your decision on this guy, but on how you feel about your husband and your marriage. Don't worry about VISAs, don't worry about SC, don't worry about any of that until you decide what is going to happen to your marriage.

 

I'm just going to stress this one more time. TWO SEPARATE ISSUES. And you've got quite a mess on your hands.

 

Good luck.

[Stupid Girl]

I am sorry for the layout of my message. Usually I am pedantic about grammar and punctuation, however I needed to get this out of my system as quickly as possible.

 

I thank you for your comments, and think you are all right in your own ways. I will certainly take it all on board, it is precisely what is needed.

 

As it turned out, right after writing this, another girl he has been corresponding with, messaged me and we exchanged notes. He has been promising fairly similar things to both of us. Surprise surprise. It's worse that we were both told how perfect we were etc, and we are very similar, so it's not surprising. It is a big coincadence that it happened to be today. She happens to be in Sweden, and he has also been planning to visit her there, although he did tell me there was someone he was interested in there, but I didn't know he was telling us the same. Anyway, you don't need to tell me I was naive.

 

You are right that I shouldn't be placing so much stock in him, I was wrong. I guess after hundreds of declarations of love, being so perfect, and everything else, it was hard not to fall for it all. I was in a vulnerable position at the time, as my marriage was falling badly and I found someone who I related to so well.

 

Anyway, I realise I was not doing the right thing by my marriage, but to be fair it was not going well, and I had been making the effort. My husband worked long hours and I did everything for him, he wouldn't talk or communicate, refused to seek counselling etc. I made a mistake in marrying him, as I wasn't in love, but as I was young I thought it would work out, I didn't realise being in love and sexual attraction can't be made to happen, they have to be there.

 

I did make a great deal of effort over the past few months and our relationship improved greatly, and we are doing alot more new things togehter. It is looking better, but i have to decide if it is right for the long-term.

 

I do recognise there are two different issues here, I just didn't have the time to separate them this morning.

 

As for the SC guy, he can go do what he likes, I have had it. I will try and see how my marriage goes, and make the best decision, I hope.

 

Thank you again.

Yes, please break up your paragraphs if you post again. Very hard to read. You have two completely separate issues here that you are trying to turn into one. 1. Should you stay in your marriage? 2. Should you continue to pursue things with the USA guy? If you are not happy in your marriage, you should not stay in it. You don't need to have a man waiting in the wings to leave. Obviously you aren't happy, or you wouldn't have 'fallen in love' with a guy you met online. (I question how you can be in love with someone who you've NEVER met, but, whatever.) Your husband sounds like a great guy, although fairly clueness to not realize that you aren't all there. You are not being fair to him. You say that you never loved him--well, why'd you marry him then? Let him go and find someone who WILL love him and not be looking for 'something better' on the Internet. It sounds to me like he deserves better than you.

 

As for this USA guy, I'm glad you found your soulmate. The problem is that talking to someone on the phone, getting e-mails, etc. does not make a relationship. There is so much more that you get from someone in person. Think for a minute about the pressure you are putting on him: You are willing to leave your marriage for him. I know I wouldn't want that kind of pressure. What if you meet, date for a few months, and it doesn't work out? Won't he feel like a big jerk? (And won't you?) In addition, what kind of person are you to cheat on your husband in that way? Why would he want to get involved with someone like you? This sentence "he thought we should date other people, and he was willing to risk losing me in the process, so I could experience freedom after being married for so long." I think he's right! He's looking out for your best interests. It's not a good idea to jump out of a marriage and directly into another serious relationship. He obviously doesn't you picking up and moving to the USA and being completely dependent on him. And I wonder, why wouldn't you want some freedom? What are you afraid of? "He finally said he didn't think it was practical for us to be committed until we can be together." Smart guy. Since you don't even live on the same continent, it's not fair for you to be angry with him for dating other women. I don't see how you can be committed to someone who you never see. Face reality. To make this relationship work, both of you are going to have to go through a HUGE life change. And do you have a life? How is it so easy for you to make the decision to pick up and move to the USA for some guy you've never met? Don't you have friends, family, job, etc.? I wouldn't move 100 miles for a guy unless I had a ring on my finger, and even then I don't know. "But here I am potentially getting divorced so I can be with him, and he isn't going ot be around to help me through if he is seeing other women." He wasn't put on this Earth to help you through your divorce. From his perspective, he would probably rather you get through it on your own and give him a call when you're ready. He's not your therapist, your girlfriend, etc. Don't expect him to pick up the pieces. If you decide to break up your marriage over this guy, it's ALL on you and should have NOTHING to do with him. "Now he has backed off and that happened when I said I wasn't sure that I could leave my husband." Well, duh. What's in it for him if you don't? I hardly think he wants to be pals with you. Like I said, you have TWO separate issues that you need to deal with. Don't mix them up.

 

I don't think you should meet this guy in person until you decide what to do about your marriage. You should not base your decision on this guy, but on how you feel about your husband and your marriage. Don't worry about VISAs, don't worry about SC, don't worry about any of that until you decide what is going to happen to your marriage. I'm just going to stress this one more time. TWO SEPARATE ISSUES. And you've got quite a mess on your hands. Good luck.