I walked out on my wife. Do I tell the world why?

[JJ50]

I just recently walked out on my wife and to this day haven’t spoken a word to her, It’s been 3 weeks. I just can’t bring myself to say anything to her because what I want to say will not be good. We are both older and our kids are grown and I thought we were looking forward to the future now that we were empty nesters.

 

Our sex life has always been great, we were very adventurous, certainly not prudes, I guess you could say we were a product of the 70’s hippie movement. But anything we had ever done was always done in full knowledge of the other. Or so I thought.

 

Sadly a friend passed away not long ago and he had no family. Friends and I had the task of cleaning and clearing his house and this is where I came across his porn stash which funnily had my wife’s name handwritten on some dvd's. I never for a second thought it would actually be her. When I played the dvd my whole life crumbled before my eyes. Not only was this my wife, they were done while we were together over a number of years and they depicted some of the most vile, disgusting acts I have seen and I am no prude. Let’s just say they were her and many men in very degrading acts. Just to add these were privately filmed by a guy I thought was a friend, not professional dvd’s so I guess there are small mercies.

 

So knowing my wife has had unprotected sex with 14 different men from the 3 dvd’s I saw (there are 9 in total, I can’t bring myself to look a the rest) you can understand why I walked away I hope. I don’t fancy starting again but I’m not sure any amount of counseling could get anyone through this.

 

A number of years ago I failed and had a one night stand with a friend of ours (who we had shared a bed with previously with her and her husband) and my wife nearly left me over it. The act (not that I knew it at the time) that she put on in front of the counselor about how it wasn’t about the sex, it was about the broken trust etc now seems like a joke. These dvd’s going by the dates on them happened before and after my mistake so for her to chastise me so harshly when she was doing far worse makes my blood boil.

 

But here’s where I am stuck. Love is a wicked emotion sometimes and as much as I hate her right now I don’t want to destroy her in our kids and friends eyes. I will clearly have it out with her one day about this but should it end there or should I let people know what she is really like? I guess there is a bit of self preservation there as well because I don’t want people to think I walked away for trivial reasons or that I have had another affair because that certainly wasn’t kept secret when it happened.

 

I thank you all in advance for any opinions.

[mightycpa]

I just recently walked out on my wife and to this day haven’t spoken a word to her, It’s been 3 weeks. I just can’t bring myself to say anything to her because what I want to say will not be good. We are both older and our kids are grown and I thought we were looking forward to the future now that we were empty nesters.

 

Our sex life has always been great, we were very adventurous, certainly not prudes, I guess you could say we were a product of the 70’s hippie movement. But anything we had ever done was always done in full knowledge of the other. Or so I thought.

 

Sadly a friend passed away not long ago and he had no family. Friends and I had the task of cleaning and clearing his house and this is where I came across his porn stash which funnily had my wife’s name handwritten on some dvd's. I never for a second thought it would actually be her. When I played the dvd my whole life crumbled before my eyes. Not only was this my wife, they were done while we were together over a number of years and they depicted some of the most vile, disgusting acts I have seen and I am no prude. Let’s just say they were her and many men in very degrading acts. Just to add these were privately filmed by a guy I thought was a friend, not professional dvd’s so I guess there are small mercies.

 

So knowing my wife has had unprotected sex with 14 different men from the 3 dvd’s I saw (there are 9 in total, I can’t bring myself to look a the rest) you can understand why I walked away I hope. I don’t fancy starting again but I’m not sure any amount of counseling could get anyone through this.

 

A number of years ago I failed and had a one night stand with a friend of ours (who we had shared a bed with previously with her and her husband) and my wife nearly left me over it. The act (not that I knew it at the time) that she put on in front of the counselor about how it wasn’t about the sex, it was about the broken trust etc now seems like a joke. These dvd’s going by the dates on them happened before and after my mistake so for her to chastise me so harshly when she was doing far worse makes my blood boil.

 

But here’s where I am stuck. Love is a wicked emotion sometimes and as much as I hate her right now I don’t want to destroy her in our kids and friends eyes. I will clearly have it out with her one day about this but should it end there or should I let people know what she is really like? I guess there is a bit of self preservation there as well because I don’t want people to think I walked away for trivial reasons or that I have had another affair because that certainly wasn’t kept secret when it happened.

 

I thank you all in advance for any opinions.

It sounds like you don't have to worry about the property settlement too much. You can be fair, but any resistance, and you go public. Let her come up with the public reason why, and tell her in her version, it will be 100% her fault.

 

The kids will be horrified, but not as much as they could be. Get an attorney to handle that part for you, you don't want to fall into a problem because you've blackmailed her. Hush money is legal, blackmail is not. There's a distinction.

 

As to your emotional state, you are no doubt reeling right at the moment. It won't be long before you discard the feelings of betrayal and the feeling of being an unwitting cuckold. She did you wrong, really wrong, and she can never take it back. You had the misfortune of having to look at it. Not much you can do but ride the rollercoaster of emotions, and let a demon lawyer handle the rest for you.

[SammySammy]

There's a saying "the last one to know is always the husband". It appears many people already know about your wife.

 

With that said, for people who don't know, I don't think you owe them an explanation. You could say it just didn't work out and leave it at that.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with the betrayal and the hypocrisy.

[jen1447]

Take the high road. It's always the way to go.

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

Ohhhh man. I am so sorry this happened to you. First of all, let me say I have respect for you having an open relationship. This was something I could not handle which led to our breakup. My ex was a web cam girl and although I set it aside it hurt me. She was into a different lifestyle as well which terminally ended our relationship. She did tell me of all of her previous acts and what she wanted but I just COULD NOT OBLIGE. So in a sense and sorry if this offends you, I feel you. It was good that you left, be sure to tell HER and as mentioned let her tell everyone why and be sure that it does not make you the bad guy. Either way you weren't necessarily. Cheating is bad but we all make mistakes. I am not sure with the kids because well, my ex will someday have to explain how she is to her child. This is one thing bothering me now. However, I, along with you did NOTHING wrong. Divorce is ugly but a necessary evil in this case.

I wish you the best hermano.

-F

[Shockwave]

It sounds like you don't have to worry about the property settlement too much. You can be fair, but any resistance, and you go public. Let her come up with the public reason why, and tell her in her version, it will be 100% her fault.

 

The kids will be horrified, but not as much as they could be. Get an attorney to handle that part for you, you don't want to fall into a problem because you've blackmailed her. Hush money is legal, blackmail is not. There's a distinction.

 

As to your emotional state, you are no doubt reeling right at the moment. It won't be long before you discard the feelings of betrayal and the feeling of being an unwitting cuckold. She did you wrong, really wrong, and she can never take it back. You had the misfortune of having to look at it. Not much you can do but ride the rollercoaster of emotions, and let a demon lawyer handle the rest for you.

 

 

I'm sorry that you're having to suffer through this. A friend of mine once told me painful breakups are a lot like a virus. It has to run it's course.

 

For those who ask, I don't think I'd explain why you left. If asked you can honestly say she's not the person you thought she was and leave it at that. I have a feeling the truth will get out. It usually does.

 

I would take mightycpa's advice.

[TaraMaiden2]

When I played the dvd my whole life crumbled before my eyes. Not only was this my wife, they were done while we were together over a number of years and they depicted some of the most vile, disgusting acts I have seen and I am no prude. Let’s just say they were her and many men in very degrading acts. Just to add these were privately filmed by a guy I thought was a friend, not professional dvd’s so I guess there are small mercies.

 

So knowing my wife has had unprotected sex with 14 different men .....

I thank you all in advance for any opinions.

 

I hate to say it, but I smell something awry here.

 

Your wife must have realised these films existed.

I fail to comprehend how on earth she could have not implemented some kind of damage-limitation strategy, and when realising the friend's house had to be cleared out, could not have engineered some kind of preliminary search for the evidence....

 

It's just a glaring question to me.

 

Not that I have ever, or would ever place myself into such a predicament or situation, but if I did, I'd make some pretty watertight conditions....

[Toodaloo]

It's just a glaring question to me.

 

Not that I have ever, or would ever place myself into such a predicament or situation, but if I did, I'd make some pretty watertight conditions....

 

Seems like she was having so much fun she forgot about it...

 

JJ50 I am sorry for both of your losses. This must have been an enormous shock for you.

 

I think you should just take some time to digest and accept this. Its all new and raw. Let yourself settle a bit before you do anything.

 

Then just quietly move on. Instigate divorce proceedings, I personally would suggest "irreconcilable differences" for the sake of your children. I would only talk to one or two close friends that you can trust to keep this to themselves and also get some counselling.

 

Make sure that you eat properly and get some exercise even if you don't want to. Look after yourself first. Get yourself tested for STD's.

 

If anyone asks just say that you do not want to talk about it and please just accept that something happened that means you can not speak to your wife. Just cut it all out of your life as far as you are able.

 

Chin up chook. In a years time you will be feeling better, happier. I know it doesn't feel it right now but if you take the right steps you will get there.

[Trimmer]

In cases like these, I'm always thinking about the kids - even though they are now grown.

 

If you go effectively "public", it seems likely that the kids will find out, and is there really any positive result to be imagined from that happening?

 

I agree with your sense that as much as you are angry with her, you don't want to destroy her in the eyes of your kids and friends. What she did was a betrayal of YOU - you are entitled to "have it out" with her to whatever degree you wish (or to walk away quietly to whatever degree you wish) but let her go on with her life as your kids' mother without tearing that down.

 

I guess, from the outside, I just don't see where that's going to have a positive effect on your life in any way, and it may have a negative one, as it may introduce great turbulence into the family dynamic with your grown kids.

[JJ50]

I hate to say it, but I smell something awry here.

 

Your wife must have realised these films existed.

I fail to comprehend how on earth she could have not implemented some kind of damage-limitation strategy, and when realising the friend's house had to be cleared out, could not have engineered some kind of preliminary search for the evidence....

 

You make a really good point I never gave any thought to. She clearly knew the dvd's existed, she looking into the camera on many occasions. I'm sure the answer will come out in the wash.

[JJ50]

Make sure that you eat properly and get some exercise even if you don't want to. Look after yourself first. Get yourself tested for STD's.

 

I have good people around me, I will be ok. Thanks for the kind words, to everyone for the kind words.

 

My struggle at the moment is that I want to know everything, I want all the answers, I know that's probably not the best for healing but it's who I have always been.

 

I look at the dvd's I haven't watched and I am so conflicted, it's probably not healthy to watch them but I want to know everything, what if there are other people I know that have been involved? I know at some stage I will watch them and then I think maybe it's best to do it now rather than waiting until I heal a bit and them watch them say a year later.

 

This has been a big shock, as I guess it would be to anyone, but I feel so embarrassed that I couldn't see this.

[darkmoon]

only tell ppl who you feel will not find it a big deal, or you will live with the consequences of gossiping about yourself, ppl discuss things, you will never quite be free of your past

[GorillaTheater]

I can't imagine what a crushing blow you dealt with, JJ.

 

Has your wife tried to contact you? How often? I ask because I wonder if she suspects what you've found, given the probability that she knew these tapes exist.

[JJ50]

Has your wife tried to contact you? How often? I ask because I wonder if she suspects what you've found, given the probability that she knew these tapes exist.

 

She tried to ring but I have refused to answer. I told her by text message that I need space to deal with what happened at my friends house. I hope from that that she has an idea and doesn't just think I am suffering because of my mates death. But honestly I don't even know if she knows they exist, she should, but could also think that they have been destroyed, are elsewhere or anything else.

[SammySammy]

I think she definitely knows they existed. I think she was hoping she or someone else would find them before you did.

[d0nnivain]

as much as I hate her right now I don’t want to destroy her in our kids and friends eyes.

 

For your children's sake I would never shout the sordid details from the rooftops. You can tell a few select confidants of yours because you may need to vent but keep the salacious details private. At most I would share that you found video / dvd evidence of on-going sexual affairs & you have decided to divorce. The whole world doesn't need the play by play about the gang-bangs & the degradation. Don't plant those images in your kids' minds.

 

She knows what she did. She knows the dvds exist. If you aren't sure she knows you have seen then, by all means tell her but before you say one word to any one think about your children.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Post the vids online with her name.

 

 

Seriously if this is real, you're in a screwed position. There's no way to find the answers you want. She's deceitful & probably a liar, so anything she tells you is suspect. Assume the worst & that she's had sex with everyone you know or knew. She's gonna get any answers she wants because she'll have the kids do the detective work on why you left. You're gonna be the bad guy no matter what. You admitted to cheating & you left. The apologists will dismiss the vids as "being in the past". You got conned, move on. I'd be firm with your kids & totally refuse to discuss or listen to anything they have to say about you leaving. Keep the vids with your stuff, so when you die, your kids will learn the truth about why you left.

[No Limit]

Ingenius. SHE complained about broken trust? I guess she was made to believe that all evidence had been destroyed. But I have to warn you, the internet is merciless - once something is uploaded, it is very unlikely it will be truly removed someday.

[Chi townD]

Post the vids online with her name.

 

 

Seriously if this is real, you're in a screwed position. There's no way to find the answers you want. She's deceitful & probably a liar, so anything she tells you is suspect. Assume the worst & that she's had sex with everyone you know or knew. She's gonna get any answers she wants because she'll have the kids do the detective work on why you left. You're gonna be the bad guy no matter what. You admitted to cheating & you left. The apologists will dismiss the vids as "being in the past". You got conned, move on. I'd be firm with your kids & totally refuse to discuss or listen to anything they have to say about you leaving. Keep the vids with your stuff, so when you die, your kids will learn the truth about why you left.

 

 

No, he cheated a long time ago, but they worked through it. But, not before she put him through the ringer an threatened to leave him. Making him live in the doghouse. But, some the timestamps for some of her "gangbangs" were BEFORE he cheated. Therefore, she was an absolute hypocrite. But, it explains probably why she worked through it with him instead of leaving him.

[davidromero43]

Why would you not tell her. Just send her a text. "Hey, I found your gangbang dvds. I'm selling them to pay for the divorce.".

[jen1447]

Nooo ^ she probably has a legal copyright claim to them, goofy as that may be.

[mightycpa]

Nooo ^ she probably has a legal copyright claim to them, goofy as that may be.

Well, Jenn, she probably does not, at least in the US. In fact, the Ninth Circuit just ruled on this very issue.

 

The DVD's were not found in her possession. They belonged to the dead guy. It is difficult for her to claim ownership of the media itself.

 

As to the performance, the Copyright Office has a longstanding policy that says for copyright registration purposes, a motion picture is a single integrated work, and therefore, it does not allow a copyright claim by an individual actor or actress in his or her performance contained within a motion picture.

1. The legal principal at work is that an actor’s performance does not qualify independently as an “original work of authorship fixed in any tangible medium." The work of authorship is the entire film.
   
2. Any claim against the husband for copyright infringement would have to demonstrate harm related to copyright. In other words, the harm would need to be to the wife's legal interest as an author, not an actor. I think it's probably a given we wouldn't see her behind the camera, and it sounds like the men were directing the action.
   

The lesson for all would-be amateurs is, as the Ninth Circuit put it, that a weak copyright claim cannot justify censorship in the guise of authorship. If you're in a video like that, know that somebody can put it out there, and you'll have very little to say about it.