What do I do?

[marathonveloster]

A little biography about me before we start. I am 17, graduated from home-school. Work Monday-Saturday, make $40,000 a year (this will come in play later), and completely confused about my relationship.

 

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 7 1/2 months. The first month was great, the second not so much, nor the third, and then it healed up a bit, but now I am stuck. This girl took my virginity, and this is the only serious relationship I've been in other than middle school dating lol.

 

Anyways, so let's start with the first problem I've had with this girl. I was at work, and I didn't get a text from her all morning so I shot over a text, still nothing, afternoon time still nothing, and so when I got off I decided to call her and she answered after about 4-5 calls. She sounded slurred and distorted, I asked her if she was ok, and she told me yes just tired. I just assumed she was tired and drove home, and thought everything was normal. When I got there it was a totally different story. She could barely talk, she couldn't even walk straight. I finally figured out what she was on from her little brother, it ended up being Xanax. My girlfriend in the beginning was a very heavy pot user, and then moved onto Xanax a couple of times and stopped.

I had asked her not to use that stuff anymore, and she went and did it anyways which made me angry, but I thought okay whatever I'll get over it and give her another chance. So, I go home, come over the next day (Sunday) and hangout like usual. When I got there Sunday she apologized, and said it won't happen again. About half way through the day her little brothers friend was over, he is 13 years old. He was being extremely clingy to her, and trying to touch all over her. He always liked her, but I didn't really care about it because he was 13, and she was 18 at the time so I really didn't care too much. Then something slipped out of his mouth about telling me what happened. She told him to hush, and I asked her and she said nothing happened. I told everyone to go out and for her to tell me what happened. She said that yesterday when she was messed up on Xanax supposedly the little 13 year old and her had sex. I asked her if it was true, and of course she denied it. So I go ask her little brother and he says yes it did happen, and that he caught her naked with him in her bed. I got extremely pissed off, and confronted the 13 year old and he denied it at first because he was scared I was going to try and fight him, so I told him I wouldn't be mad if he just told me the truth and he finally admitted it. I ask her again and she denies, and then moves on to she can't remember anything because of the drugs she was on, but doesn't think anything happened. So, I get over it, and say that he can't be around her anymore, and she agrees, since then I haven't seen him, and she still sticks to that story.

 

That same day I leave her house earlier than usual because of me being so

angry. I tell her that I'll text her and she agrees. Then she says that this guy CJ (her best "guy" friend) is coming over and she is going to smoke because she's so stressed, and to calm down. I said whatever, but I don't want him over long, and I am going to call you in about a hour, in the meantime I ask her to text me and she agrees. So we text, barely she was taking forever to text back 20mins for replies. An hour goes by he's still there, another goes by and she won't answer. So I start freaking out, and try to call and call and call and she doesn't answer, so I get in my car and go over to her house (she lives about 2 mins away (same neighborhood). Go to her room and she is knocked out sleeping. I wake her and ask why she hasn't texted back or tried to call and she said she fell asleep, that guy was gone. I said ok whatever, she hugs me and I leave.

 

About a month later, I was running late from work, and she wanted a drink from the gas station so I told her I would hurry home and we would grab something to eat too. I get there and she's gone, I asked her friend who was there where she went, and she told me the gas station with her EX-BOYFRIEND. I started freaking out, and waited for her to get back, and when she got there I went off. She then turned it around on me saying was she supposed to just wait forever, and that it was just for a ride to the gas station. I told her I don't want him around anymore and she said ok, whatever.

 

Another month later, I am at her house about to take a shower, and ask to use her old phone for music. So she gives me her old phone to use, which she was very protective over, and used to never let me go through it because it wasn't fair to her since I needed to be suspicious of something to do so. Anyways, so I get the old phone to use and I start going through her messages, I find some from the CJ guy from about two months ago, I start reading them, and he was talking about coming over to watch a movie with her, and asking her questions like, "What if I kissed you, what would you do?" or he asked her if I come over and we watch a movie, can I finger you, she says come over and we'll see. I, as a rookie to relationships, infuriated confront her about this. She says nothing happened, and he never came over, and she turned it around on me again. Saying I should've asked to go through her phone, and I had no right too. I say whatever, and get over that.

 

So here recently is the last thing that's happened. About a week ago we got into a big fight, and separated for the night. I go over the next morning we make up and whatever. So, the same Sunday of that week I was on her phone playing a game and a text from a unnamed number saying, "Are you and Dom still ok, ?" I ask her who it is, and she said she didn't know and that she didn't text anyone. I call the number, and finally get someone to answer after blowing up the phone, it turns out to be her ex-boyfriend who gave her the car ride a few months back. I ask her if she texted him and she admits yes, finally, and she's really sorry and she didn't tell me because she thought I would get mad. I tell her why, she said she was asking about advice on what to do when we got in the big fight. Who ask a ex-boyfriend for advice? I ask her how do I know nothing else was talked about, she says she promises there was nothing. I said ok, if you want me to believe you then talk to him on speaker and act like I am not here. She refused to do it, so I said whatever. I left with her phone. I call her on her mom's phone say I am hooking her phone up that's pulls up old text messages, she then admits that they talked about there past.

 

 

Here is the problem I am having. Is the first time considered cheating because she didn't know what was going on? Should I even be with her? She constantly seeks attention is seems, and our fights are getting worse. I am constantly having to get reassurance, I want to know where she's at constantly, I don't want her to get a job because I can't trust her, but at the same time I don't want her to lose her. Our good days are really good, and I really do love her, a lot. She's allowing me to have passwords to everything, look to see if there is deleted text messages on her phone, but even with all that I still don't trust her. I am finding it impossible to do so. I constantly throw her mistakes in her face, I talk down to her in fights because of what she's done to me. I just am so confused on what to do. I do not want to lose her, she's everything to me, she took my virginity, but she's also lied to me. I do not know what I would do without her, I would be lost it seems, but I am constantly mad when I am at work if she doesn't do something right, or wants to go somewhere. Every guy always looks at her when we go out, she is extremely attractive, and I just think that someone else is going to come around. I need help please!

 

Sorry the post is so long, just feel like I needed to spill it all for a accurate answer.

[PegNosePete]

Dude. She is playing you for a complete fool. She has no respect for you or for your relationship. You need to get rid of this messed up leech from your life.

 

Don't get stressed about the technicalities and definitions. Just EJECT.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your girlfriend, at 18, had sex with a 13-year-old child. Not only is that disturbing, it is also a crime in many areas.

 

Why the hell you stuck around for months after that, I cannot imagine. Obvious cheating and lying aside for just one moment, your girlfriend isn't right in the head. You need to cut her out of your life and find someone healthy.

[marathonveloster]

If she wasn't in a right state of mind, would that make it her fault? I am afraid to leave because I will have nothing left. I couldn't imagine her being with another guy.

 

Thank you guys for the help!

[d0nnivain]

What do you mean you will have nothing left? You have a job & a life. If you stay with a pedophile drug abuser you really will have nothing left because she will end up stealing from you & draining all of your resources.

 

It doesn't matter that she was high when she raped that 13 year old. He is too young to consent & voluntary intoxication (she chose to take the xanax) is not a defense.

 

She's with her EXBF. She doesn't care about you. She makes lousy decisions.

 

What is the upside to staying with her. Use that home schooling education that enables you to make a good salary as a teenager to make the best choice for yourself. Think with your brain not your heart and not any other organ.

[marathonveloster]

Your girlfriend, at 18, had sex with a 13-year-old child. Not only is that disturbing, it is also a crime in many areas.

 

Why the hell you stuck around for months after that, I cannot imagine. Obvious cheating and lying aside for just one moment, your girlfriend isn't right in the head. You need to cut her out of your life and find someone healthy.

 

Dude. She is playing you for a complete fool. She has no respect for you or for your relationship. You need to get rid of this messed up leech from your life.

 

Don't get stressed about the technicalities and definitions. Just EJECT.

 

What do you mean you will have nothing left? You have a job & a life. If you stay with a pedophile drug abuser you really will have nothing left because she will end up stealing from you & draining all of your resources.

 

It doesn't matter that she was high when she raped that 13 year old. He is too young to consent & voluntary intoxication (she chose to take the xanax) is not a defense.

 

She's with her EXBF. She doesn't care about you. She makes lousy decisions.

 

What is the upside to staying with her. Use that home schooling education that enables you to make a good salary as a teenager to make the best choice for yourself. Think with your brain not your heart and not any other organ.

 

Never been told like that before, I've just never been in a real relationship, and I just have feelings for her like no body else. You are right, and maybe I am thinking with the wrong organ.

[Spectre]

Your gf is a rapist, but of course since this is a female raping a male, most people won't see it as serious. Also I GUARANTEE she knew what she was doing, high or not.

 

Anyways, a girl going to her ex boyfriend for advice after a fight with her current boyfriend? Is a dumpable offense right there. This girl screwed a 13 yr. old though. HOW can you even look at her? Or respect her? Just..ew.

[marathonveloster]

I think the reason I am stuck is because I love her, how, well I'm

not entirely sure, but I do. If I was to see her with another guy, I don't know if I could handle it honestly.

 

Thanks guys for the replies, I think I am going to pull the plug tonight.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think the reason I am stuck is because I love her, how, well I'm

not entirely sure, but I do. If I was to see her with another guy, I don't know if I could handle it honestly.

 

Thanks guys for the replies, I think I am going to pull the plug tonight.

 

No, you don't love her. You're dependent on her for an emotional high, but the way she is, she isn't actually a very loveable person.

You're with her because you have an insecurity about being alone.

 

And no, she didn't "take" your virginity.

You gave it, quite freely, and permitted it to go.

Taking smacks of it being extracted against your will, which in your particular case, I doubt happened.

 

You're 17.

Please don't think me harsh, but to be perfectly honest, your brain hasn't finished forming yet, so some decision-making goes seriously askew - as has been proven here, by this comment:

 

Never been told like that before, I've just never been in a real relationship, and I just have feelings for her like no body else. You are right, and maybe I am thinking with the wrong organ.

 

The fact that as you say, you've never been in a real relationshoip before, is testimony to your fear that you'll never love again.

Trust me, you will. At your age, the statistics are hugely in your favour.

 

Follow advice, ditch, and move on.

 

Anything has to be better than this - and in time you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking....

[marathonveloster]

Your gf is a rapist, but of course since this is a female raping a male, most people won't see it as serious. Also I GUARANTEE she knew what she was doing, high or not.

 

Anyways, a girl going to her ex boyfriend for advice after a fight with her current boyfriend? Is a dumpable offense right there. This girl screwed a 13 yr. old though. HOW can you even look at her? Or respect her? Just..ew.

 

No, you don't love her. You're dependent on her for an emotional high, but the way she is, she isn't actually a very loveable person.

You're with her because you have an insecurity about being alone.

 

And no, she didn't "take" your virginity.

You gave it, quite freely, and permitted it to go.

Taking smacks of it being extracted against your will, which in your particular case, I doubt happened.

 

You're 17.

Please don't think me harsh, but to be perfectly honest, your brain hasn't finished forming yet, so some decision-making goes seriously askew - as has been proven here, by this comment:

 

 

 

The fact that as you say, you've never been in a real relationshoip before, is testimony to your fear that you'll never love again.

Trust me, you will. At your age, the statistics are hugely in your favour.

 

Follow advice, ditch, and move on.

 

Anything has to be better than this - and in time you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking....

Your exactly right, I gave it. I don't mind the blunt speech, I actually favor it as it usually sways my decision towards the right way. I know exactly what should've been done a long time ago, I just really never got the urge to do it. That's exactly right as well, I do have a insecurity of being alone. That's something I've never even realized until this point as well. I got with her because she was hot, and gave me sex, all the wrong reasons. Thank you for the reply!

[marathonveloster]

Is there any tips on how I should go about doing this? We have a dog together, she has no job or money, so should I take the dog? Also, how do I resist trying to keep contact away from her?

[TaraMaiden2]

Who has been mostly responsible for the dog up to now?

 

Would she object if you took it?

 

The way you resist - is to just not do it.

 

I know it sounds simple - and it is. You just delete her details off your 'phone and block her number. There are free apps you can download to do this.

Some people have even gone so far as to change their numbers.

It can be done, it's not impossible. I have in the past 10 years changed my number three times - once due to an international move, and I never lost a single contact.

Read the No Contact Guide - and stick to it 100%.

 

And remember, if she contacts you, that's not 'breaking NC.'

 

If you respond however, it is.

[marathonveloster]

Another failed attempt at leaving her, I always contemplate and when it comes time I can't. Any tips, I know this is the right thing to do, but I can't force myself to. I feel like I am going to regret the decision instantly. I just feel like the cheating and lying is over and it's not going to happen again, so I find it extremely hard to push myself in the right direction.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well in that case, stick with it, until you realise that the attribute 'doormat' is really not the kind of description you like about yourself.

 

Sorry bud, you have to man up, because otherwise she will carry on walking all over you.

Mud sticks.

People will recognise you're a pushover and take you for a gullible sap with no willpower of his own.

 

That's about as hard as it will get for you.

 

So you have to decide now, at an important and pivotal stage of your life, what kind of man you're going to turn out to be.

Go to her house, tell her you're taking the dog for a good long walk.

And never contact her again.

How simple is that?

It's not rocket science, bud....

[ExpatInItaly]

Another failed attempt at leaving her, I always contemplate and when it comes time I can't. Any tips, I know this is the right thing to do, but I can't force myself to. I feel like I am going to regret the decision instantly. I just feel like the cheating and lying is over and it's not going to happen again, so I find it extremely hard to push myself in the right direction.

 

Remind yourself of how little she loves and respects you. She already probably views you as a total pushover, because she keeps lying and cheating and you tolerate it. She doesn't view you as a real boyfriend.

 

I think it's not her you're in love with, per se. I think you like what she supposedly represents: commitment, a partner who will support you, a friend, a romantic love. But she doesn't offer any of those things.

 

Also, remind yourself that she had sex with a minor. She is an adult who engaged in intercourse with a child, by most legal definitions. Why that alone didn't send you running, I cannot fathom. She is a sick girl. And what do you think would happen if this kid's parents found out? And also that you knew about it and did nothing? You could land yourself in some serious hot water here. This girl is bad news on many different levels.

Edited June 2, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[marathonveloster]

Well in that case, stick with it, until you realise that the attribute 'doormat' is really not the kind of description you like about yourself.

 

Sorry bud, you have to man up, because otherwise she will carry on walking all over you.

Mud sticks.

People will recognise you're a pushover and take you for a gullible sap with no willpower of his own.

 

That's about as hard as it will get for you.

 

So you have to decide now, at an important and pivotal stage of your life, what kind of man you're going to turn out to be.

Go to her house, tell her you're taking the dog for a good long walk.

And never contact her again.

How simple is that?

It's not rocket science, bud....

 

So letting her know it's over is not of my concern. I am taking this speech literally, and it's what I've been leaning towards. Just taking the dog and following the NC guide. Would this be ok to do?

[Spectre]

She bangs 13 yr. olds. I wouldn't trust her with my dog. Also think about what I just said and make it your mantra when it comes to leaving her. Anytime you begin to doubt, just repeat "she banged a 13 yr. old, she banged a 13 yr. old".

 

I mean dude, self respect! Even if the person wasn't 13 she still cheated on you. Skanks cheat, women who are girlfriend material do not. Also don't let people try to excuse her behavior. I've seen it before on this forum, they don't mean to crazily excuse things, but they do..with the "oh they don't know what they are doing they are young" when yeah, you know right and wrong by the time you are 17. So age is no excuse here, some people are just shady.

[Lois_Griffin]

If she wasn't in a right state of mind, would that make it her fault?

Stop making excuses for her!

 

Let's see how far some 18 year old guy or girl would get with the LAW if they had sex with a 13 year old CHILD and claimed they were drinking or taking meds or whatever, and they 'weren't in their right mind.'

 

Do you honestly think the law would just say to them, "oh...then that's perfectly fine! You're free to go and have a nice day."

 

Just STOP making stupid ass excuses for her disgusting alley cat behavior.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think the reason I am stuck is because I love her, how, well I'm

not entirely sure, but I do. If I was to see her with another guy, I don't know if I could handle it honestly.

 

Thanks guys for the replies, I think I am going to pull the plug tonight.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

 

While I applaud you for finishing home schooling and getting a good job and being a good responsible kid, the bottom line is that you're still a kid.

 

You're only 17 and this is the first of many girls you'll 'love.' This kind of sounds like a classic case of a guy falling in love with the first sexual partner he's ever had. It's extremely common and happens all the time.

 

All of us here have gone through something just like this when we were teenagers and we all made it through just fine. Just like you will.

[Chi townD]

See, this is why I hate home schooling. It never teaches them the other important aspect of being with your peers. About relationships and to see when you're getting screwed over, or your school friends point that fact out to you. Never experiencing puppy love and the heartbreak that goes along with it.

 

 

You don't want to picture her with anyone else?!?! Dude, look at that 13 year old again. He's someone else. Look at her Ex boyfriend, he's someone else. Look at the guy that texted her about watching a movie with her and fingering her, HE'S someone else!!!! Dude, she' been cheating on you this whole time!

 

 

You want to break up with her? Wait a couple of days. Her moral compass will go haywire and she'll do something stupid enough to piss you off and then there's your opportunity. Sad to think that it's only going to take a few days.

[smackie9]

Just remember, she may be your first but she won't be your last. This relationship will end, and so will the next and so on. It's very important to go through more than one experience, because it teaches us about how relationships work, what you need out of them, what works best, how to deal with issues, etc. it prepares you for marriage. The more experiences you learn from, the more successful your marriage will be. You will be able to choose right, and know what isn't right. This girl isn't right. I don't care if she took your virginity, that means jack sh it. That isn't important. What is important is that they treat you, themselves and others with respect. See what I'm getting at? You need to go through heartache in order to learn how to move on and heal. And you will get through this, and be able to live without her. Once you break away, and let go of those feelings, you will look back and be very relieved you made that choice. Trust me after all this, you will meet someone who will be much better, better than you could ever imagine.

[TaraMaiden2]

So letting her know it's over is not of my concern. I am taking this speech literally, and it's what I've been leaning towards. Just taking the dog and following the NC guide. Would this be ok to do?

 

Yes, it would.