Your thoughts on yelling

[magicjelly1234]

Ok i'd like to know what your thoughts are on yelling. So obviously, i'm not talking about those crazy people who yell to their SO all the time.

 

I am a person who express what concerns me in a relationship. I'm not afraid to speak out and sometimes when things bother me, i'd address it. of course we argue from time to time, but we communucate to resolve those problems.

 

One difference between me and my SO comes in this.

 

My SO thinks that under no circumstances should you yell. It's just bad and you just shouldn't yell at all. It's ok to be pissed and annoyed but you should never yell to the other person, but instead handle it in a calm manner.

 

I do agree that you need to stay calm and handle problems rationally but i do not agree that yelling should never happen. It def should not happen often, def not, but we are only humans, and when situations escalate and you are very upset/angry about something, you end up yelling, and it's not necessarily bad (unless you curse the other person, it's bad). Sometimes it just happens between couples.

 

Which side are you on?

[amaysngrace]

Yelling seems like losing control to me.

[mrs rubble]

I can't stand yelling. It makes me physically ill, I have to remove myself from the vicinity of the person yelling.

[madjac74]

I can't stand yelling. I yell at work only for the purpose of getting a coworkers attention in a noisy workplace. I don't want it in my personal life excluding yelling for my favorite teams. I never never ever yell at my kids. I have raised my voice to my girlfriend on occasion to get my point across but whether I was right or wrong I just feel bad.

[Toodaloo]

I hate yelling... so much so that I taught my dogs sign language before we had the deaf one!!!

 

But there are times when quite frankly a five second burst just has to be done!

 

I get yelled at and I yell back sometimes. The key is to just let it go and sort it out and not let it become a habit...

[Trimmer]

Yelling seems like losing control to me.

This was exactly my thought, even before I got to this post.

 

I do agree that you need to stay calm and handle problems rationally but i do not agree that yelling should never happen. It def should not happen often, def not, but we are only humans, and when situations escalate and you are very upset/angry about something, you end up yelling, and it's not necessarily bad (unless you curse the other person, it's bad). Sometimes it just happens between couples.

Let me ask you this: why is yelling understandable, and yet cursing the other person is not? What is it about cursing the other person that you find unacceptable?

 

I maintain that both of them are a loss of control. You can have an argument, you can have anger and strong emotions, there are ways that you can communicate these emotions. But if you yell (or curse, right?), you have lost control and at that point, the communication has ceased to be effective.

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes whatever upset & stress has built up has to come out somehow, like the steam from a kettle.

 

I can live with occasional yelling (less than once per year & only for very good reasons).

 

By yelling I also mean raised voice. . . a few curse words for punctuation aren't going to send me running for the hills either but vile demeaning insults hurled my way are unacceptable.

 

For example: God Da**it Shut the F up. . . not great but in certain limited circumstances perhaps forgivable.

 

You stupid F'ing C word. . . never acceptable.

[GorillaTheater]

Bad: I have been known to raise my voice from time to time, invariably borne out of frustration. I work to control that because the observations are absolutely correct: it IS losing control.

 

Good: In spite of being admittedly a potty mouth, I have never cursed at anyone I genuinely like, let alone love.

[preraph]

You need to be able to control yourself better than that. Yelling is verbal abuse. I grew up with a lot of yelling and as a child, it made me want to leave home to escape it and paralyzed me with fear. Go to anger management classes. It will help.

[autumnnight]

I do not like actual yelling. However, everyone in my ex's family was quiet. In fact, sometimes I couldn't even hear them. Everyone in my family has sort of loud voices.

 

If my voice got intense AT ALL, I often got accused of yelling. Even if I was just happy or excited. That was annoying. I learned to make myself talk quietly - one of many things about ME I changed to try to be good enough or acceptable.

 

True yelling in temper is unacceptable. But a slightly raised or intense voice is not, IMO, a hill to die on.

[Taramere]

I do not like actual yelling. However, everyone in my ex's family was quiet. In fact, sometimes I couldn't even hear them. Everyone in my family has sort of loud voices.

 

If my voice got intense AT ALL, I often got accused of yelling. Even if I was just happy or excited. That was annoying. I learned to make myself talk quietly - one of many things about ME I changed to try to be good enough or acceptable.

 

True yelling in temper is unacceptable. But a slightly raised or intense voice is not, IMO, a hill to die on.

 

Agreed. When I worked with difficult teenagers I would often raise my voice to show that I meant business...but actual yelling, to me, is something different. That's got an "I'm losing control" vibe about it. If somebody's just raising their voice, you can still reason with them. Once they start yelling, in my book it's time to get away from them. It's not at all pleasant to be around, and I think instinctively we associate it with a potential for violence to occur.

[stillafool]

I hate yelling, will not respond to it. I will walk away from anyone yelling at me. If people want to communicate like an adult calm down and talk then fine, but definitely no yelling.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I do not like actual yelling. However, everyone in my ex's family was quiet. In fact, sometimes I couldn't even hear them. Everyone in my family has sort of loud voices.

 

If my voice got intense AT ALL, I often got accused of yelling. Even if I was just happy or excited. That was annoying. I learned to make myself talk quietly - one of many things about ME I changed to try to be good enough or acceptable.

 

True yelling in temper is unacceptable. But a slightly raised or intense voice is not, IMO, a hill to die on.

 

How true this is.

 

I'm half Italian and half French and we tend to be very...shall we say passionate when we speak which sometimes comes off as yelling when it really isn't.

 

I can't say that my ex hubby's family was quiet like autumnight's since they were as Italian as they get but my current boyfriend is very much this way. He's southern and very polite. He's also a pacifist and detests aggression of any kind including the way people speak to one another.

 

Having spent many years in an unhappy marriage where there was a LOT of yelling and cursing and not so nice behavior, I vowed to NEVER repeat that kind of aggression be it with my children or with my partner. I've worked very hard to learn to recognize what sets me off and how to effectively deal with it as well as how to resolve matters in a way that is much less combative. And I have my therapist to thank for that

 

Having said that, I'm not perfect. My passion on either side of a subject isn't immune to being misinterpreted for yelling - I'm Italian after all! The difference is that when I do find myself speaking with an elevated tone it is never with the same aggression like it was in the past.

 

I'm obsessed with communication and like to have closure on things. I've also become very sensitive to negative energies particularly when it comes to the people closest to me. I can't stand being mad at anyone or anyone being mad with me but I'm also NOT a doormat.

 

I think communication is crucial in any relationship. I also think expressing one's concerns and even confronting one's partner regarding an issue is also important and even healthy. Unless you're with a complete a**hole there are better ways to express oneself that doesn't have to include yelling all the time.

 

It's really a choice in my humble opinion.

[Arieswoman]

I am like Mrs Rubble, shouting really upsets me.

 

As a child my mother had serious anger management problems and shouted regularly at all the family. It really scared me, and I walked on eggshells for years to avoid incurring her wrath.

 

So now I don't shout at anyone and I will not be shouted at (unless it was an emergency or to warn of danger). Shouting is verbal abuse.

 

On the very rare occasions when a guy has raised his voice to me on a date I have got up and walked out saying quietly " I don't take abuse".

[No Limit]

I don't yell and nobody I know yells either (except some psycho teachers in highschool, but that's another story). If things can't be discussed normally I don't see the point in wasting my time.

[jen1447]

I don't like yelling (mainly bc it seems uncouth), and I can do a lot more damage calmly and with a level voice anyway.

 

One exception is I yell at BF from time to time for 'fun.' Even then it's just more of a raised voice tho and not screaming.

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok i'd like to know what your thoughts are on yelling. So obviously, i'm not talking about those crazy people who yell to their SO all the time.

 

I am a person who express what concerns me in a relationship. I'm not afraid to speak out and sometimes when things bother me, i'd address it. of course we argue from time to time, but we communucate to resolve those problems.

 

One difference between me and my SO comes in this.

 

My SO thinks that under no circumstances should you yell. It's just bad and you just shouldn't yell at all. It's ok to be pissed and annoyed but you should never yell to the other person, but instead handle it in a calm manner.

 

I do agree that you need to stay calm and handle problems rationally but i do not agree that yelling should never happen. It def should not happen often, def not, but we are only humans, and when situations escalate and you are very upset/angry about something, you end up yelling, and it's not necessarily bad (unless you curse the other person, it's bad). Sometimes it just happens between couples.

 

Which side are you on?

 

Not yours, I'm afraid.

In fact, the general consensus of this thread would seem to be pretty unanimous in that.

I expect that surprised you, too...

 

What you're actually saying is that because you lose control and raise your voice in anger, you would like some backing to confirm that such action is acceptable and understandable; reasonable even.

You would like confirmation that your BF is incorrect and that you are right to yell, sometimes....

 

Nope.

 

What is it that is happening which suggests to you that your only option is to yell?

Why is it difficult for you to get your point across, rationally and reasonably, without resorting to shouting?

[eye of the storm]

To me the issue isn't yelling. It is that your partner stated you are doing something they find upsetting.

 

They are communicating how they feel, you are downplaying it and trying to find a way of saying their feelings are wrong or don't matter.

 

And just because you asked, I don't tolerate being yelled at. I was married to a yeller and it now makes me nauseous and gives me a headache. When my daughter is telling me a story about something and starts to yell, even though she is not yelling at me, I still feel a physical reaction. I am not talking about loud voices. I am talking about yelling. There is a huge difference.

[TunaCat]

My ex stepdad yelled a lot and ever since I got away from him (with my mom and brother) I have felt better. Yelling absolutely terrifies me. It takes me back to being a teenager and being yelled at for failing math class even though I tried so hard and all of my other grades were amazing.

 

I do have a temper. Part of it is because I'm half Puerto Rican & the other half is because I lived with my ex stepdad for 12 years. I do struggle with not yelling when I'm angry, but I am actively working on that.

 

So no, yelling is not okay.

[rester]

My SO thinks that under no circumstances should you yell. It's just bad and you just shouldn't yell at all. It's ok to be pissed and annoyed but you should never yell to the other person, but instead handle it in a calm manner.

 

I do agree that you need to stay calm and handle problems rationally but i do not agree that yelling should never happen. It def should not happen often, def not, but we are only humans, and when situations escalate and you are very upset/angry about something, you end up yelling, and it's not necessarily bad (unless you curse the other person, it's bad). Sometimes it just happens between couples.

 

Which side are you on?

 

I hate yelling and would side with your SO. I'll also add that it's a enormous libido killer for me. I wouldn't consider dating someone that believes yelling "just happens between couples".

[Male]

I'm the type that wants to sit down, and calmly work out the issues.

 

But I've found that a handful of women find it irritating because I stay calm, and that seems to anger them even more

[Gloria25]

Look, growing up in a home with constant fighting, bickering, yelling and abuse...I do not want that in my home.

 

Growing up, when I finally found and was old enough to work outside of the house, I'd stay out late at night just walking the street and loitering cuz I could not stand the chaos that was my "home".

 

Yes, I have raised my voice at times, but I do not like it. One time we came from a long drive in winter (and me, I'm the driver) and mum "handed" me the phone to have my nephew, a minor, talk to me - a 30's WOMAN - as if I am at "his" level. I lost it. I yelled and told my mum that in my home there will be none of that. I left that when I left their house years ago and they will not bring it here!!!

 

Yes, yelling is a loss of control...while we all have the right to be upset and express ourselves, if yelling/fighting/drama is the "norm" or the only way someone believes they can communicate and/or resolve conflict with me - then they are gone.

 

I know of people who on the regular have screaming bits with their SOs, it gets physical, they're breaking stuff all over in the house and I cannot understand how for the life of me they enjoy that. I want peace in MY home...period.

 

I live alone...that is for a reason. I do not want to be bothered.

[Methodical]

I'm not a fan of yelling. I can get my point across in a mature, dignified manner without making everyone standing within earshot of shouting distance privy to whatever issue is at the heart of the disagreement.

[todreaminblue]

when i raise my voice to a high pitch....i have coughing spasms...so in effect it hurts to yell...and the coughing stops me anyway.......i can do a siren though no problem......its really quite weird......i dont think people should yell...unless its a disaster about to happen.......or a war cry......battle on.....deb

[writergal]

The only acceptable form of yelling is during the throws of passion. Outside of that, not acceptable, and definitely a relationship deal breaker for me.