deg20 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 One year ago, on this very day, I moved out of our home and into an apartment. We were separated for two months already, and I remained in the home for two months to gather enough money to leave. I must say these two months were hell. It was within these two months that I acted on my gut feelings, because her excuse for leaving me, which was she was too stressed out from me, didn't sit right. Intimacy had stopped 3 months before this, so I had a feeling there was more to it. In the two months in the house, I logged on to her phone bill and that's when I discovered she was texting my friend who lives out of province, among other numbers I didn't recognize. We had major fights for two months over this...she denied, lied, then said she was texting him for real estate advice...even though I caught her, unknowingly to her, sexting him one late evening...she took off her nightie and took a pic...sent...and I threw up! She helped me move June 1st, and was very hospitable and accommodating. After everything was in my apartment, she turned to me at the door, hugged me, and said "we can do this"...meaning we can be friends...terrible mistake...she was laden with guilt, but being vulnerable, I believed her. That night, she picked up my friend at the airport and had sex in her car with him...I found this out much later...not at the time...the next morning, after my first night in my new place, she texted me with a "how was your night, sweetie" text... For 8 months we had sex once a week...at my request...call it hysterical bonding I guess...I was treated terribly...dismissed and shunned, but she would easily come over/text me when she needed something. I succumbed...again, how stupid of me. Here I am a year later...still alone and still sad, but healing. No contact has helped, despite a few texts from her...but I do not respond or initiate... She is 3 months into a new relationship, and apparently it is "moving forward". She met his kids, etc. I dated a couple times but nothing has come of it... I miss her, yes. I miss my old life at my nice house, my stepson, my dog. I miss the way my wife USED TO BE...not the sex addict or betrayer or liar she turned into... I'm moving forward. This website helped. Hopefully, the sadness and pain will ALL be gone soon...divorce is coming...I'm trying hard to get rid of all the layers of pain, after several counsellors and friend's advice. Hope this is a better year, because I just lost an entire one. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 So glad that you are healing. New beginnings, once you are in a good mental place, can be wonderful... full of possibilities and love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 I dug up the old phone records that I printed a year ago showing the numbers she was texting...it was a bleak reminder...painful...but it put into perspective her character... She doesn't deserve such a great new life, with what seems to be a stable, secure partner...but life is simply unfair I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I dug up the old phone records that I printed a year ago showing the numbers she was texting...it was a bleak reminder...painful...but it put into perspective her character... She doesn't deserve such a great new life, with what seems to be a stable, secure partner...but life is simply unfair I guess. No, life is not fair. But also, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and what looks stable and secure today could be falling apart tomorrow as you are all too aware. Just hang in there and keep working on yourself. If you believe in karma, just give it time ... Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I'm sorry this happened to you. You clearly know you're in a better place now and that you really need to cut ALL ties with your ex to move on. I've found that keeping in any contact only lengthens the time to fully heal and get over the person and the pain. Try your best to keep dating and looking for your next love of your life. Focus on what's in front of you, not in the past. I totally understand you miss your previous life, home, etc.. You will find another person to love, be faithful to you and share a great new home with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 You clearly know you're in a better place now See, now this is where I begin to stray a bit...I'm stuck on the alternatives that could have happened... We could have possibly went to counselling She could have been a better person with a wholesome character ...but all this didn't happen, and if what you mean is that I am better off without her as the liar and betrayer she is now, I agree. I'm stuck in the thinking that she has healed and will be the wholesome partner for her new man, which truly stings. I think she has learned that, as she grows older, she will need a secure partner financially and simply, so she isn't alone...which robs me of the future I so badly wanted with her... am I being obtuse in my perception here? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 You clearly know you're in a better place now See, now this is where I begin to stray a bit...I'm stuck on the alternatives that could have happened... We could have possibly went to counselling She could have been a better person with a wholesome character ...but all this didn't happen, and if what you mean is that I am better off without her as the liar and betrayer she is now, I agree. I'm stuck in the thinking that she has healed and will be the wholesome partner for her new man, which truly stings. I think she has learned that, as she grows older, she will need a secure partner financially and simply, so she isn't alone...which robs me of the future I so badly wanted with her... am I being obtuse in my perception here? How much of this do you *know* and how much is just speculation based on your own pessimistic thinking? Do you know that she has changed or just think she has? Do you know that she has learned these things, or just think so? It's natural to compare your life now to what she has, but please try not to dwell on it. And it's also natural to sometimes long for the future that you feel you were robbed of (I can totally relate to that feeling), but dwelling on that is going to hold you back from moving forward. You need to let go of the future you thought you had with her and start working on building a better one for yourself, one where you won't care how good she has it because you're happy on your own. I wish you luck, deg. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 How much of this do you *know* and how much is just speculation based on your own pessimistic thinking? Do you know that she has changed or just think she has? Do you know that she has learned these things, or just think so? Barletta, you raise a good point here. I believe, for some reason, that because she has started a new relationship, she has gone back to being a good partner and person...who wouldn't anyone make an effort when you start a new relationship? I believe ( and please argue this, as I'm open to disagreement ), that her months of arrant, unprotected, poor-decision sexual tirades were an intermittent illness, a desire to explore, luring from friends to have fun since some of them live this lifestyle, or a tactic for filling the void of her marriage dilapidating since she has a hard time coping with things... But in your defense, her texts I received a week ago were peculiar...wanting to have coffee with me soon, stating she's always been a one-guy woman, which sounds like she's trying to convince herself, and complimenting me... Some say this was just a feeler to see if I was still bitter, and me being friendly would take away her guilt and flush it away... But I don't know certainties...and it's speculation. But for 9 months she was always in reach...visiting, texting, asking for money, favors...I was an outlet. Since she met him, it stopped...which is good for me, but it gives a little validation to my assumptions... Anyway, I will continue to accept she is gone and slowly fading... Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 How much of this do you *know* and how much is just speculation based on your own pessimistic thinking? Do you know that she has changed or just think she has? Do you know that she has learned these things, or just think so? Barletta, you raise a good point here. I believe, for some reason, that because she has started a new relationship, she has gone back to being a good partner and person...who wouldn't anyone make an effort when you start a new relationship? I believe ( and please argue this, as I'm open to disagreement ), that her months of arrant, unprotected, poor-decision sexual tirades were an intermittent illness, a desire to explore, luring from friends to have fun since some of them live this lifestyle, or a tactic for filling the void of her marriage dilapidating since she has a hard time coping with things... But in your defense, her texts I received a week ago were peculiar...wanting to have coffee with me soon, stating she's always been a one-guy woman, which sounds like she's trying to convince herself, and complimenting me... Some say this was just a feeler to see if I was still bitter, and me being friendly would take away her guilt and flush it away... But I don't know certainties...and it's speculation. But for 9 months she was always in reach...visiting, texting, asking for money, favors...I was an outlet. Since she met him, it stopped...which is good for me, but it gives a little validation to my assumptions... Anyway, I will continue to accept she is gone and slowly fading... I know it is hard, but I would base your feelings and your actions on what you *know* rather than what you think is true. It's natural to assume things, but you are much better off not devoting any more of your mental energy trying to explain or figure out the hows and whys of what her life is like now. You're far better off just doing as you said at the last - accept that she is now gone and deal with the reality of life as it is now. It's tough, but it is the only way that is going to pay dividends for you in the future. Your new life starts now. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 deg20, this may sound silly but you are the new love of your life. At least thats the way I am looking at it for myself. I am spending a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I really want out of the rest of my life. The future I planned with her is dead and gone. Did I want it to be ? No, but that's the reality of the situation. My wife is still with her AP. At first it bothered me like it does you that maybe she has figured everything out and is going to be happy with her new life and be a better partner. I have a lot of contact with her and I can tell you she has not grown a bit and is just repeating history. I imagine your wife is the same way. All that being said, they may be happier without us. We really need to get to the point where we don't care whether they are happy or not. And you know what, we will never know anyway. I suspect they will always present a positive spin since they gave up so much with their decisions to leave that they won't want to admit the mistake. The only advice i have for you is to not be in too big a rush to find another partner. I think I have some ptsd from this whole thing and I am susceptible to making some bad choices and ignoring red flags. I really want do want to find someone else but know I need to wait. You should probably wait a little also, but your mileage may vary. Attached is an interesting blog from a site I visit. Talks about whether or not they are better with the other person or not. The Dreaded Fear They're Going to Be Better for Someone Else - ChumpLady.com Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, but I'm glad that you found us This forum has truly been a lifeline for so many. Hang in there. Blessings on your healing journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I never said this before, but when 98% of a marriage that existed for 9 years was free from quarrels, arguing, friction between both of us personally ( not involving the kids I mean )... When we got along and enjoyed each other for that long without a major feud between us...when this trip together as husband and wife was so utterly different than every one else's in that we literally had no turmoil between us as a couple...and didn't fight...and supported each other...and rubbed each other's backs...and enjoyed coffee together every morning....and I'm not exaggerating...we had no problems that resulted in sleeping in different beds or spending the night at a relative's or threats or negative, fight-dirty tactics...when you have all this, and then that person becomes what she became, it's more astounding than a slow lead-up that you can feel coming, or an all out brawl where dishes are thrown, or endless days and nights of nagging and fighting that screams of divorce or separation... We had none of this...so this is what makes it so hard... I don't know what's worse...the three to four month, deathly slow detachment of her intimacy that only now I can regard in hindsight , her physical closeness daily losing ground, her acknowledging I'm in the room fading every day OR an all out "That's it..I'm leaving" and gone... Either way, I'm taking heed in all your posts...and it's starting to click... Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Deg, You are better off. You assume that she is better, could have gotten better, and that a "better" her would have been good for you. THAT is the flaw in your logic. I'll give you a metaphor. I like tuna. There is also cat food that is tuna. The difference is that one is made for human consumption and one is not. No amount of cleaning, or fixing or preparation is going to make cat food tuna fit for human consumption. Do some people eat cat food? Yes. That does not change the fact that "premium" "gourmet" cat food is still not fit for human consumption. Thus, your wife is like gourmet cat food. She is not fit for Deg consumption. Sure, you liked the taste. Sure you felt that with some work, some garnish, a little dash of this and that and she would be great. That is wrong. She was not fit for you, EVER. Get you some real food. She is not a prize. She would never be a prize. you just got used to the taste of cat food. Link to post Share on other sites
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