m4p Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Had been lurking here recently instead of participating because I simply could not bear to put in any more effort to discuss and think about xMM. Had a great weekend with loads of social gatherings and company from friends and family. I was actually happy and feeling like I'm getting my life back on track.. But now I'm lying in bed and planning my work day tomorrow and the whole heaviness and sudden onset of anxiety has struck me yet again. I try not to dwell on xMM anymore because it helps me to focus better, but yet this.....Essence..of pain and sadness just comes out from deep inside. I don't even know how to deal with it. I can't see any active way to solve this (despite going out more, exercise, quiet time pampering myself..) I am just at wits end and wondering what else can I do to simply not feel like my heart got torn out. It was not a trigger or reminiscence., it is ust this whole feeling of depression and pain, if anyone even knows what I am trying to describe. It also leads me to acknowledge what I felt was truly love from my side and this is heartbreaking. Perhaps it's one sided, whatever, it's ended... I just feel so helpless again. I want and don't want to reach out to him. What a fool. Closure? More talking about it? Time? I guess I just need more time........ Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Closure happens when you decide you've had enough of making yourself suffer. Allowing yourself to long for something you just can't have only brings more suffering. There is a mindset you can reach that will enable you to let go. You only have to decide to do it. Google detaching emotionally for some tips. The easiest way to get over someone is to meet someone new. I say get out and mingle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 Closure happens when you decide you've had enough of making yourself suffer. Allowing yourself to long for something you just can't have only brings more suffering. There is a mindset you can reach that will enable you to let go. You only have to decide to do it. Google detaching emotionally for some tips. The easiest way to get over someone is to meet someone new. I say get out and mingle. I forgot about it but I did had some sort of revelation a couple weeks back, which made me much more at peace. I realized that subconsciously I was afraid of forgetting him... putting down what we had and no longer treating it with significance. Didn't realize it until then. But if I was afraid, that also means I am somewhat mentally ready for it. I know I have it in me so this reminder helps too. Thanks. Ps: I had been out much more socially and it really help to be out there meeting people, even platonic interest helps. (No no no more married men though, running for the hills the moment one shows interest in me, lol) Don't think I'm ready for a new guy yet though, there's too much I'm still holding back and feeling vulnerable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 How long has it been, m4p? Are you in NC, too? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I went to a meditation class this weekend that helped so much. The pain you feel is human. It's born of attachment. Attachment to a person and to an outcome. You can't control those things. You are enough. Happiness is possible. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 How long has it been, m4p? Are you in NC, too? I think it's almost 4 months past D-day (I think of it as a "soft Dday" because xMM did not tell his W about the whole extent of the A, he was "caught" having lunch with me by someone else who saw us and told the W. Basically he lied about his whereabouts.) We are about 2-3 months into NC now.. Frankly the days post Dday had been a blur to me. There was a couple of phone calls which did no good. Summary: I left my then bf after Dday because it was unfair to him and I needed to face up to my own actions. xMM will never leave his W, they had been college sweethearts and moved to 2 different countries together in the past 15 years.... In the beginning of our A when we were more callous and less emotionally involved, we actually talked about his marriage and my relationship etc... Basically he loves her and feels that he owes her too much for sticking by him. (But still chose to have an A with me, lol) No future faking etc.. I played a part in my own pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 I went to a meditation class this weekend that helped so much. The pain you feel is human. It's born of attachment. Attachment to a person and to an outcome. You can't control those things. You are enough. Happiness is possible. I simply cannot muster the energy to do anything nowadays.... Avoiding my pain makes me feel like I am pretending to be someone I am not. Yet owning it makes me feel despair. There is nobody to talk to (except LS) because I can't bring myself to trust anybody. Ok there was a colleague I spoke to briefly about my situation because she expressed concern about me... I made the choice to be wary and only gave vague details without indication of identity (xMM is an ex colleague). Guess what? The following week the gossip came back to me. Ouch. I have to give this meditation thing a shot. And maybe see a psychiatrist. Pretty sure this crippling anxiety isn't healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I have to give this meditation thing a shot. And maybe see a psychiatrist. Pretty sure this crippling anxiety isn't healthy. It's not. I'm not sure what country you're from, but if psychiatrists are the same as they are in your country as they are in the US, you want to see a psychologist or some sort of licensed mental health counselor first. They can help you decide whether you should see a psychiatrist. They are for the purposes of prescribing medications. Psychologists and the like are the ones who do counseling and therapy and figure out WTF is going on inside your head. All I can tell you is time and internal acceptance. I used to hate hearing everyone say that, in fact I was going to punch the next person who said it, but I'm finally starting to realize they're right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 It's not. I'm not sure what country you're from, but if psychiatrists are the same as they are in your country as they are in the US, you want to see a psychologist or some sort of licensed mental health counselor first. They can help you decide whether you should see a psychiatrist. They are for the purposes of prescribing medications. Psychologists and the like are the ones who do counseling and therapy and figure out WTF is going on inside your head. All I can tell you is time and internal acceptance. I used to hate hearing everyone say that, in fact I was going to punch the next person who said it, but I'm finally starting to realize they're right. Thanks Goldie, I am from the other side of the world and I am currently undergoing very infrequent IC with a certified therapist. She should be able to refer me to a psychiatrist but I can also get a referral from a GP (which can be covered by my company insurance) Don't worry I won't punch you, lol. I do know I need more time and some self acceptance. Just wish time passes faster. It's torturing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janetl Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) m4p, I am right there with you in terms of timing and feeling, word by word. Except that I had no bf when I had affair. Hang in there, I hope knowing we have company helps somewhat. Edited June 3, 2015 by janetl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 m4p, I am right there with you in terms of timing and feeling, word by word. Except that I had no bf when I had affair. Hang in there, I hope knowing we have company helps somewhat. Thanks Janetl, I do wish you strength too. We have to know that if we can let go and move on, it WILL get better. *hugs* How coincidental too, after I posted this thread, he called the next day. Pretty much gave me the strength and resolve to truly move on. I am thankful for the help and support that I have gotten here in LS. Very grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Do you think you could be depressed ? It happens with prolonged mental stress and unhappiness. Maybe a medical check with your GP? Hope you cheer up soon, Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Do you think you could be depressed ? It happens with prolonged mental stress and unhappiness. Maybe a medical check with your GP? Hope you cheer up soon, Poppy. Thanks for your concern Poppy, I had seen a doctor previously and had anxiety issues (prone to panic attacks) but haven't really gone to see one for psychiatric/depression issues. side topic: One thing holding me back at the moment is insurance. I am intending to buy a few investment-linked/insurance policies and am afraid that a depression diagnosis will make me not eligible for any future insurance purchase. So I want to get that out of the way and then really start to focus on these mental health thingy. All in all I think I am pretty alright, just extremely busy and stressed at work. Everything adds up together and make me susceptible to sadness and "down" episodes. I am quite sure I don't have clinical depression though, so that's a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hi m4p, I hope you feel better soon!! One thing that has helped me in feeling not too depressed (Ok I DO feel sad - very much so - but not as bad and out of control as before) is to start using magnesium. You can look it up on Google if you want, it also helps against stress and there are many benefits to it. A lot of people have a lack of magnesium. Hugs!! Adorax 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author m4p Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hi m4p, I hope you feel better soon!! One thing that has helped me in feeling not too depressed (Ok I DO feel sad - very much so - but not as bad and out of control as before) is to start using magnesium. You can look it up on Google if you want, it also helps against stress and there are many benefits to it. A lot of people have a lack of magnesium. Hugs!! Adorax I've never heard of that but I am so gonna google that! Thanks for hanging around and being nice )) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morbius Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I went to a meditation class this weekend that helped so much. The pain you feel is human. It's born of attachment. Attachment to a person and to an outcome. You can't control those things. You are enough. Happiness is possible. Not to hijack, but how did this weekend go? I read your thread and it seemed like a relationship was developing. Link to post Share on other sites
loveandlight Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 For some people the feelings never go away. You just learn to live with them. Its been 25 years for me now. Link to post Share on other sites
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