Opinions please...do you think I'm being "clingy" by wanting a phone call?

[Sweets1919]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 8 months (since august). He works on the oil rigs so he is gone usually two weeks at a time and then he gets a week off. He splits his time off between staying with me and going back to his hometown (14 hr drive away/2 hr flight). I am getting used to being on my own for the two weeks at a time (I was single for 3 years prior!), but I especially miss the conversation part of contact given the fact that we aren't physically together.

 

It's hard when I want to go out roller blading or think that playing tennis with him would be fun...but that I can't do it with him because he's gone. But I accept that. He says he won't do this job forever, but for now this is how it is.

 

The thing is, sometimes it can go four days without him calling me and that makes me sad. I look forward to his phone calls and I don't want to be the one to call all the time...I look forward to him calling to say "how was your day" or whatever....but sometimes it can go days and by the time he does call, I certainly can't (and don't want to ) recount every thing I've done or has happened since we last spoke.

 

Last time he was in town he told me I sometimes expect too much...and gave the example that the previous time he had been at work I had made a comment that he was calling on a Tuesday and the last time he had called was on Saturday (3 days basically in between). He told me that 3 days is nothing and with his last girlfriend it was often a week they went without talking (I felt like he was saying I should be happy that it was only 3 days!!!)

 

So now it is Monday night and I last heard from him on Saturday. We are supposed to be making plans about him coming to see me this week and us going away for the weekend and I feel like I just have to wait. Am I being "needy" or "clingy" to want more contact? I know it's good to be independent and have my own life and I do....I would even just like him to call so I can share my life with him. I feel like I am single 66% of the time!!!

[wishfulthinking76]

I think you need someone who appreciates you so much that he actually can not go a day without at least hearing your voice. As harsh as this may sound he doesn't seem that into you. I went through the same experience myself. My boyfriend (at the time) was a neurosurgery resident who couldn't find time to call me for 3 days at a time because he was working 36 hour shifts. My friend who was also dating one of his resident friends continously got calls here and there to say "I miss you but I can't talk right now and I love you". My boyfriend would spend time with me when it was convenient yet still tell me he wanted to marry me someday. However he was being selfish and on top of that accusing me of being too demanding. When we later broke up he told me that 1) he could have made the time to call 2) but he didn't see it as a top priority with everything else in his life. My advice would be to read the book "he's just not that into you" and move on. If he decides you mean enough to call everyday, aka to think about what would make you happy and do it, then maybe consider taking him back.

[lindya]

Hi Sweets

 

It sounds as if you're an active person who likes doing fun things with your time, so why sit around waiting for someone who expects a medal if he calls you more than once a week? You're not top of his list, but don't take that personally - it sounds as if girlfriends aren't top of his list generally. Get the rollerblades on, practise a few cool moves... and hopefully you'll soon bump into someone a bit more dynamic.

[HoldOn]

I also wish my bf would call me more. I'm in school 2.5 hours away from him and I see him 3 weekends a month. He usually calls every other day, which is fine with me. But sometimes he forgets, then he'll call the next morning and apologize for not calling the night before.

 

I also think the guy should call the girl, so sometimes I feel neglected if he forgets his phone call.

 

However, some guys just don't like to talk on the phone. So I think that's okay and you shouldn't pressure him in that case.

 

On the other hand, you asked him to call more and his response was "ex didn't care" and "it's not important". That's what really bothers me about this situation. You've told him something is important to you and he says -- eh, i don't care.

 

So, I think you should let it go for a while. When he does call, be really happy to hear from him. don't nag him about not calling. Pay attention to other signs, other actions, to make sure he really likes you... Wait a couple months and see if it gets better.

[Sweets1919]

Thank you for having a different (i.e. positive) perspective to the situation. The thing is, he is not a jerk to me when we are together and often he does do thoughtful things. This past two weeks that he's been gone he did call/text each night for the first week...then it's been more sporadic. To get to me from where he works (the middle of nowhere) he drives 9 hours...sometimes just for even two days with me in between work and a quick visit in his hometown. He has spent his whole week off with me on a few occasions (which means it is 6 weeks in between visits home to see any of his family, friends or the apartment he rents). Those things do mean a lot to me. He is romantic in the sense that he sent me roses for my birthday, valentines and to cheer me up one day. He is only 26 and I am 30. He was with the previous gf for 9 years (highschool "sweethearts") but it never progressed to engagement. As I am older and know what I want, I am not going to "wait" or hope forever that things will miraculously change. He is a good communicator, but it is hard when we are apart. He has met my family and friends...and I have met his.

 

I agree with your suggestion...wait it out for at least the summertime and see what he decides about work, his life etc....if he really has been working his butt off with 14 hr days and has been looking forward to talking to me then it will be no fun if I'm a grouch and pissed off that he didn't call the day before. He says that he wants us to do lots of fun things this summer and he does not want to work away from home when he has a family...just needs to pay off debts first. I am more established than him...I own my own home and have a government job (9-5 type) so our lifestyles are considerably different.

 

I was disappointed to read the other replies that quickly said that if he is not calling every day then he's not that into me and that I should look for someone else. I know that this "problem" is one aspect of our relationship and I guess I will take the next while to evaluate everything that comprises our relationship and then have a discussion with him in the next few months (maybe after the summertime) to see how he sees things with us (if it is not clear to me).

 

 

Thanks for your input!!! Sweets

[HoldOn]

You know, I am usually very quick to say "he's just not that into you" But I think a lot of guys have the calling problem.

 

This guy plans visits in advance, visits you often, got you roses , and definitely seems into you.

 

I know what it's like to be thinking. Ah! Why doesn't he call me more? Doesn't he miss me? But guys just think differently you know... So, I think tryyyy to cut him some slack and use positive reinforcement to encourage him to call (by being super happy when he calls instead of naggin him for not calling) and you should see an improvement.

 

Since things will be different this summer, then you'll get to see a new side of him.

 

Sometimes when I get bothered by the not calling, I think about how we're getting married anyway and he won't have to call me then, cuz I'll be living with him! So problem solved.

[Sweets1919]

This was the original plan:

 

My bf left for work two weeks ago on April 14 in the evening. The plan was that he would work for two weeks and then come back to see me. Then he was thinking he would have all of May off (due to work being shut down b/c of spring weather). He said that he would come see me and then we could drive back to our hometown (a 14 hour road trip) and spend a few days there (I was going to take Monday and Tuesday off work) and then I'd fly back here. Then he'd spend some time at home and come spend the last two weeks of May here with me.

 

He usually gets off work at 7am Wednesdays and even called after the first day and said this rig was different shifts and he was going to be off at 7pm Tuesday and he was excited that he'd be back here even 12 hours sooner.

 

So over the first week he called/texted every night. On Thursday I told him I wasn't 100% sure if I'd go home with him because it is a long drive for a two day visit at home and I'd have to use my overtime to get the two days off work. I was thinking the two days of overtime might be better used when he is here and we could go camping or something vs. spending two days travelling (driving out there and then flying home next Tuesday). He sounded very disappointed but I told him I was just considering not going b/c I had barely talked to him more than to say goodnight and without us definitely confirming the drive, when would be good to fly back etc, it was hard for me just to make all the plans on my own and it not feeling like "our plans". He said he'd call me earlier on Friday night so we could talk. He did not call on Friday.

 

He texted me on Saturday night right after work and said he loved me and was very tired and that he'd call soon and that it was only 3 more shifts until he was off (which would have meant Tuesday night). I texted him to call me and he did. I told him I had booked a ticket for the following Tuesday and that I had done some thinking and that I wanted to go home with him. He said that sounded good, but that he wasn't 100% sure what day he was done work now and that it might be Wednesday or even Thursday because they had to finish up the job and there was no next crew coming on after them. I asked him to keep me posted and not to stress cuz I could always cancel the ticket and we could make other plans.

 

So Sunday and Monday passed with no word from him. As he had mentioned last time he was here that he didn't like it if I made comments about him not calling, I did not call him and leave any messages in this time. I sent him a nice caring text on Sunday morning saying I was looking forward to seeing him. So on Tuesday night I was expecting him to call when he was off work (7pm) to say "hi honey, I'm off work and I'll be there soon (7hours). Well at 9pm I noticed that he had called at 8:15 on my cell phone. He had not left a message and he had not called my house. I called him back at 9 and it rang but he didn't answer. I left a message that was probably a bit cold and just said that I was wondering if he is coming to town in the next day or so and to give me a call. Part of me really thought he was on his way and might not be answering b/c he wanted to surprise me like he has done before. I sent him a text at 11pm saying that I miss him and that i'm looking forward to seeing him and to let me know if he is on his days off.

 

Well I woke up at 3am and kind of thought he would be here soon if he was coming. I tossed and turned a bit. He had not called back or responded to my text. I called his cell (there is no land line to call him on) and the phone was off. I left a message just saying to give me a call when he could to let me know what was going on. It's not like I am just here waiting for the next two days....I have a girlfriend coming into town for dinner tonight and I have a baseball game tomorrow...and we're supposed to be leaving on our "road trip" the day after that!!

 

I feel like I am in this all on my own. I don't understand why he wouldn't even leave a message when he called me last night just to say "I'm working till Thursday" or "Hi". Then I think maybe he is mad that I didn't leave him a voicemail between Saturday night and Tuesday. Well I feel like I am trying to please him....last time he says I shouldn't "complain" that it went three days between him calling and that he doesn't want to feel obligated to call me and that he doesn't want to feel like I am controlling....so I wanted to give him space and instead had just sent the text on Sunday. I did call him last week and leave messages so it's not like I never call. I would call and leave messages just saying hi, or that I was heading to a meeting or that I hope he's having a good day. After all, he did say on Saturday night that he would call me. It's called communication and these guessing games are driving me crazy.

 

This is all I can really think about and it's stupid. I have no idea if he's showing up later today, tomorrow or at all. Is he mad, is he happy, does he think things are fine with us? This distance is one thing....the pretty much zero communication is hard to take. I have lots of things going on....i volunteer with my church, my baseball season just started...my day has ups and downs with work and life in general...to me a major part of a relationship is having that underlying friendship where you can talk about your life and grow closer....how can that happen if we don't talk two out of three weeks? I really don't think it can and a relationship takes two to work.

 

People yesterday were telling me all about the "he's just not that into you" book/theory and I understand that (there is a follow up on Oprah today actually). I just wonder how it switched from week one (calling every night, excited that he was off 12 hours earlier than planned, wanting us to go home together) to this past week since Saturday...no contact, no voicevail and no text (part of me thinks it is my fault for not calling and leaving him a message in those three days....but I know I can't blame myself...he has responsibility in this too...after all if I'm not to get "mad" that he didn't call in four days...how can he be mad at me?)....This recent day's events hs shown no real consideration for my plans (my boss would like to know if i am wanting Monday and Tuesday off!), my caseload at work, my time etc.....

 

OK, gang...what do you make of that???

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Sweets1919

I just wonder how it switched from week one (calling every night, excited that he was off 12 hours earlier than planned, wanting us to go home together) to this past week since Saturday...no contact, no voicevail and no text....no real consideration for my plans (my boss would like to know if i am wanting Monday and Tuesday off!), my caseload at work, my time etc.....

 

OK, gang...what do you make of that???

 

Could be any number of things:

 

1. He dropped you lower on his priority list, and therefore put other things ahead of you and calling you no longer became either a much lower priority or not one at all.

2. He met someone else.

3. He is angry with you and is not calling you because of that.

4. He has had a change of heart about your relationship and is passively breaking up with you (which could have been a long slow change where you are only seeing the end stages now).

5. Something legitimate has happened and he can't contact you for whatever reason.

 

You won't really know until you talk to him. My guess is that he's ending the relationship, and using this distance as a way to do it, but... that's not to say that's what he's doing. Talk to him first, and then go from there. No need fretting over this until you know you have something concrete to fret (or not fret) over.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by HoldOn

You know, I am usually very quick to say "he's just not that into you" But I think a lot of guys have the calling problem.

 

Yup. We're designed by nature to be able to go off by ourselves hunting for a few days. And most of us don't have the strong internal calendar that you do (hence the fact that birthdays and anniversaries are more of an effort for us to track). Doesn't necessarily mean we're not into you.

 

IMHO, even devoted bfs don't necessarily call every day. We lose track of time and get all irregular - my own LDR experience suggests that - at the extreme - I can easily call 4 times in one day, then nothing for a couple of days. Not having the internal calendar means that this doesn't seem quite so odd to us.

 

I understand, Sweets, about your plans being up in the air. And he has to find some way of working this out better in future. But I've been there and it had everything to do with calendar-blindness and nothing to do with lack of devotion. Either is perfectable possible.

[Sweets1919]

Thank you for your advice. I know I need to talk to him...that's part of the frustration....I can't just get a hold of him and ask him how he's doing or say that I think we should get together and chat. I guess I just have to realize that I will talk to him soon in the next few days and be content with knowing that.

[Marshbear]

I would say this seems to be his pattern ( you being lower on his priority list ) and you have to make that decision if you can accept that or not. I think he has told you his pattern ( last G/F only got a call 1 a week ) and you either accept it or move on. I don't think he is necessarily changing the relationship but that this is the way he is. If you want a more attentive B/F then you may have to make that decision.

 

Good Luck....

[HoldOn]

Has he shown up yet?

 

Well, this is turning for the worse.

 

Although my LD bf doesn't call every day, I always know when he is coming to visit. Also, if I call him, I always get a hold of him. I know that guys sometimes have problems calling, but your bf is not respecting your time by not telling you if he is coming or not.

 

Tell him that you are not his ex and you need to know when he is coming or not.

 

My ex bf would just show up whenever and leave whenever and it really drove me crazy, that's why I really enjoy the stability of my new bf (even though he doesn't call every day)

[Sweets1919]

I can only assume he has had to work another day and will call me tonight when he is off at 7pm (or sooner). I left him a voicemail and also another text...saying I hope things are ok with "us" and we can talk if they are not. I don't like these feelings for the past few days and the only positive is that things will become clearer in the next few days.