rlc1957 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I've been with a lady for over a year. Recently, near her birthday, an old boyfriend sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday and she had some responses to him. Just texts but I didn't care for it at all. She tried to hide the fact that she was texting this guy which to me is a sign that it's not right.... Thoughts??? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Each couple sets their relationship boundaries. If this person wasn't an ex, would it matter to you? As example, a male friend who wasn't an ex. Does she mind if you have contact with your ex'es? Any other related behavior patterns? Have you ever met this ex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rlc1957 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 I will admit that I see this guy as an old boyfriend/ lover. I know she was very much in love with him several years ago. I saw a message she sent him telling him how much she loved and missed him. That was way before us and I get that. It is probably more about my insecurities and I need to learn to be more trusting. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Many people are friends with their exes. I think trying to hide the behaviour/content is more of a problem. Why did she do that? What was she writing that she didn't want you to see? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) What did the texts say you didn't care for? Also yeah, her trying to hide it shows something is going on. You say you need to be more trusting, but what your gf needs is boundaries. For me, I think being friends with your ex is just playing with fire. For every story where people are friends with an ex and no problems arise..you have 3 stories where someone being friends with an ex DID cause problems. Loveshack is quite literally littered with the various corpses of all the relationships destroyed over an opposite sex friend. Each couple sets their relationship boundaries. If this person wasn't an ex, would it matter to you? As example, a male friend who wasn't an ex. Does she mind if you have contact with your ex'es? Any other related behavior patterns? Have you ever met this ex? The problem is the person IS an ex though. That changes things completely. Seeing as I'd assume if it was a mere male friend and not an ex..there would be no history of boning said friend in the past. Edited June 1, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Hiding doesn't mean something's going on necessarily, just that she doesn't want him to see it. That could be for a few reasons - such as she is indeed cheating, or maybe she feels ashamed just to be talking to an ex, or maybe she lacks confidence in OP's ability to deal with ex friendship, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Hiding doesn't mean something's going on necessarily, just that she doesn't want him to see it. That could be for a few reasons - such as she is indeed cheating, or maybe she feels ashamed just to be talking to an ex, or maybe she lacks confidence in OP's ability to deal with ex friendship, etc. The problem is that whatever her reason for trying to hide this..it is still bad. We can look at each of your reasons: -Cheating, why this is bad is self explanatory -Ashamed to be doing it, which is still bad because if she is so ashamed and yet can't bring herself to not talk to the guy..what does that say? Feeling shame would suggest she feels it is wrong, but does it anyways. -She lacks confidence in his ability to deal with the friendship. If she feels this way then acting in a suspicious way that causes trust issues was counterproductive. If she knows he would be upset and is hiding it from him then she is in essence denying him the right to choose the type of person he wants to be with. I would tell the OP to sit her down and tell her to either show him the messages or he will never trust her. Problem is since he was asking about the texts she probably deleted anything incriminating. Edited June 1, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 The problem is the person IS an ex though. That changes things completely. Seeing as I'd assume if it was a mere male friend and not an ex..there would be no history of boning said friend in the past. Sure, the person is an ex. In my demographic, it's pretty common for people to have ex'es and be in contact with them. Ex-spouses, ex-partners, etc, etc. They may share children, business interests, familial and/or social connections, etc, etc. Each couple decides what their boundaries are. In my case, my exW and her 2nd exH had contact over the years regarding a prized beagle they had shared during their M and whom the exH had kept after their D. They remained in contact regarding the animal during our M. I met the exH and the dog (cool dog!) back while exW and I were dating. I found the interactions to be healthy and they interacted without my scrutiny. Those were our boundaries. The OP's could be similar or different. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Hiding doesn't mean something's going on necessarily, just that she doesn't want him to see it. That could be for a few reasons - such as she is indeed cheating, or maybe she feels ashamed just to be talking to an ex, or maybe she lacks confidence in OP's ability to deal with ex friendship, etc. whaaaa... whoooo...wait a sec, now there's a double bluff if I ever saw one. So she's not confident that her current boyfriend can deal with her texting an old boyfriend whom she said she adored and missed so her solution is hiding it? TBH there could be a myriad of reasons, still all of them aren't good. Innocent or not, no need to hide it if everything is kosher. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 whaaaa... whoooo...wait a sec, now there's a double bluff if I ever saw one. So she's not confident that her current boyfriend can deal with her texting an old boyfriend whom she said she adored and missed so her solution is hiding it? TBH there could be a myriad of reasons, still all of them aren't good. Innocent or not, no need to hide it if everything is kosher. This wasn't a discussion of "good" reasons or the merits of any particular reason, just that there are other possible reasons besides infidelity. It's pretty elementary really. Jumping to conclusions = no-no. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I've been with a lady for over a year. Recently, near her birthday, an old boyfriend sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday and she had some responses to him. Just texts but I didn't care for it at all. She tried to hide the fact that she was texting this guy which to me is a sign that it's not right.... Thoughts??? Have you talked to her about it? Her answer/reactions will tell you volumes. Per say nothing wrong with texting, especially if it's after a while, curiousity get the better of people after being out of contact for a while, you know the usual what are you up to now, are you still in the same job etc. But you are right, she's hiding it because she knows you do not like it.. (by the way how did you know about it? You found those texts on her phone from before you met her, now these texts...are you going through her phone?) She obviously didn't show you so you must have lifted her phone and checked. Maybe it says more about your insecurity that you have to keep going through her phone, seems to me even after going through her phone you didn't find anything that incriminating otherwise you would have mentioned it..so your beef is she hide it from you..accept she kinda didn't because you're going through her phone every so often and after a year this is what you've found. Talk to her. Stop going through her phone. Try to build a stronger relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 This wasn't a discussion of "good" reasons or the merits of any particular reason, just that there are other possible reasons besides infidelity. It's pretty elementary really. Jumping to conclusions = no-no. Yup just thought it was a funny reason. Totally get what you were trying to say in regards to the types of reasons for what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Sure, the person is an ex. In my demographic, it's pretty common for people to have ex'es and be in contact with them. Ex-spouses, ex-partners, etc, etc. They may share children, business interests, familial and/or social connections, etc, etc. Each couple decides what their boundaries are. In my case, my exW and her 2nd exH had contact over the years regarding a prized beagle they had shared during their M and whom the exH had kept after their D. They remained in contact regarding the animal during our M. I met the exH and the dog (cool dog!) back while exW and I were dating. I found the interactions to be healthy and they interacted without my scrutiny. Those were our boundaries. The OP's could be similar or different. Sharing business interests or a kid at least gives one a valid excuse. But not all couples have those valid excuses and yet contact with the ex still remains. I'm sure a decent amount of people could play with fire without burning their house down, but for me I just think "why chance it, is it worth it?" with the answer usually being "nah, it is not worth it". Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 This wasn't a discussion of "good" reasons or the merits of any particular reason, just that there are other possible reasons besides infidelity. It's pretty elementary really. Jumping to conclusions = no-no. At this point it is moot, there is no reason to jump to conclusions because there is literally no good reason for her to be doing what she is doing. Whatever that specific reason/excuse is..doesn't matter. I mean obviously if she is cheating that matters more then other things, but even best case scenario here..the hiding stuff still is a bad sign. Link to post Share on other sites
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