Boyfriend has been going to see escorts for years

[Keishaj338]

so i have a scenario..please give me decent thoughts yes i know most people will say why wait to have sex but listen to the situation first.

 

So i have dated this guy for abotu 4 years, from the start i told him i was not going to have sex until marriage and he agreed saying he was too. so we dated. we had a few problems and broke up for about a year and later reconnected.. he still said he would wait to have sex.. now we been back together for a year and been talking about marriage but to my surprise, I found a list of escorts numbers in his house when he asked me to move in..I declined the move in offer because off course thats un neccesary tempatation but this list i wondered ..i googled the numbers and all of them are escorts..

 

so ive confronted him about this and he swears they are strippers who just gave him private shows (at motels might i add) and lap dances, and he says they would occassionally mutually masturbate while he looked on and gave them commands (he says they never touched each other though). (fetish??) so he says he really is waiting for me but just needed an outlet for sexual frustration as he got bored with masturbating to porn at home and wanted some live interaction...(live porn) so strip clubs and private parties were it..

 

any thoughts about this?? Am skeptical but tend to be naive at times so since i dont know much about this world he had delved into am interested in your thoughts..we were planning a summer wedding for next year...so far he has spent atleast $1000 from what i've seen in the past 2 months i dont know how long this has gone on though.

 

is this behaviour something that can stop if i slept with him or married him??

[PegNosePete]

My thoughts are that, as someone with good moral values, I would not want to be with someone who engages in that kind of activity. Whether it stops after sex or marriage is irrelevant. I would not be with someone who does this, period.

[d0nnivain]

the behavior will not stop just because you sleep with him or marry him.

 

I also think he's lying to you & this was more then just a lap dance. Strippers -- women who take their clothes off for money -- do so in places where there are other people & bouncers to protect them from grabby customers; in many places, especially ones that serve alcohol, they also don't take everything off. Prostitutes -- people who have sex with others for money -- go to hotel rooms.

[No Limit]

Run run run and never ever look back. He's trouble just waiting to unfold even more than he already has. Don't even think of marrying him, and don't be with him. I'm sure he'd love you being exclusively there for him while he's screwing around, and get both of you into poverty over this... yuck.

[SammySammy]

No. The behavior is not something you can stop by having sex with him or marrying him.

[oz-missy]

What's the issue if someone sees a professional sex worker? They fulfill a need without an emotional attachment. Also depending on where you are they must also adhere to very strict health regulations.

 

Humans are sexual beings, by denying someone sex you're denying them a part of who they are. If they wish to engage in sex without the emotion as a business transaction...what's the issue?

 

As for everyone (on this site really) who goes oh dump him, don't marry him, blah blah blah - I'm sure you all have extremely successful non-neurotic relationships where there is so much trust and nothing ever goes wrong. Ever. #notesarcasm.

[barcode88]

Well OP I think he's lying to you they were definitely escorts if you found them on google and not just "strippers".

 

Although I'm not surprised it happened considering you two are "waiting" for marriage to have sex... Repressing your natural urges usually never ends well for at least one person. He decided to get his fix elsewhere.

 

I wouldn't really consider it cheating though it's not like he was emotionally invested in these women.

 

 

I'd be more concerned with his lying/covering up to be honest.

[No Limit]

What's the issue if someone sees a professional sex worker? They fulfill a need without an emotional attachment. Also depending on where you are they must also adhere to very strict health regulations.

 

Humans are sexual beings, by denying someone sex you're denying them a part of who they are. If they wish to engage in sex without the emotion as a business transaction...what's the issue?

 

As for everyone (on this site really) who goes oh dump him, don't marry him, blah blah blah - I'm sure you all have extremely successful non-neurotic relationships where there is so much trust and nothing ever goes wrong. Ever. #notesarcasm.

 

So you see nothing wrong with OP being faithful while her partner is seeing sex workers because at least it's without emotional attachment?

[ascendotum]

No. The behavior is not something you can stop by having sex with him or marrying him.

 

I disagree. This guy is very likely seeing escorts because he is not getting sex, not necessarily because he has a fetish over them, otherwise you could throw people who have a lot of casual sex in the same boat, and say you could never trust them not to sneak out and get a ONS for kicks during the marriage.

 

I don't think the issue here is that he will continue to see escorts when he is married. He may he may not. I think the issue here is that he lied to his gf. I totally understand a horny guy in the prime of his life is not going to be happy being celebrate, and if that's his case he should have broken up with her and said he couldn't do it rather then pretend to her he's fine. It would be hard being in sexless relationship for 4 yrs especially if you have a few good looking player friends who are telling you stories about all the sexual hijinx they get up to with so many women who are up for casual sex these days

 

Its possible he stayed true to his promise and did what he said...got tempted but did not go all the way, but I'd be very skeptical. These women were escorts not strippers and for the money he spent in the last couple of months its likely going to be more than a lapdance and a hj I'd say.

[h0000]

I think he is in this relationship for something (maybe you have a good family maybe you are rich or maybe you are good wife material and most likely this, maybe you can be helpful to his career) but not because he is in love with you.

He could have walked off and dated someone who agrees on sex before marriage rather than hiring an escort.

[SmartDude]

 

So i have dated this guy for abotu 4 years, from the start i told him i was not going to have sex until marriage and he agreed saying he was too.

 

This is the problem right here.

What was he going to do with his need for sex for the next 4 years?

Wait to marry you? That is ridiculous.

 

He should dump you.

[AGoodFriend]

Tiger Woods?

 

Your boyfriend has a sex addiction. Porn, escorts, prostitutes. Sex addiction is a whole 'nother beast.

 

This will not stop if you marry him or sleep with him. He will continue, until he decides to get help.

 

If you love him and want to marry him, you should try to see if you can get him to go to counseling before tying the knot. But something serious and lengthy, so you can see how he changes over time.

 

But definitely do not give him your gift of virginity because you think it will change him. He's got deeper issues.

[Vercetti]

Do you want to be with the type of man that will pay for sex? That money could have been spent on positive things for his / your future. Only the money was spent getting rocks off on whores. Everything he said to you is damage control. Oh porn got old, oh there was no touching, oh he just gave commands while masturbating in a hotel room.

 

Personally I would not date for years without sex, only I wouldn't lead someone on while screwing around on the side. His actions are just a tad selfish. Plus if he pulled this crap for years, what else could he hide. Argh, gets out of some hotel then smiles in your face...bloody *******.

[Vercetti]

What's the issue if someone sees a professional sex worker? They fulfill a need without an emotional attachment. Also depending on where you are they must also adhere to very strict health regulations.

 

Humans are sexual beings, by denying someone sex you're denying them a part of who they are. If they wish to engage in sex without the emotion as a business transaction...what's the issue?

 

As for everyone (on this site really) who goes oh dump him, don't marry him, blah blah blah - I'm sure you all have extremely successful non-neurotic relationships where there is so much trust and nothing ever goes wrong. Ever. #notesarcasm.

 

Sorry you're turned out, not everyone else is #class

[Vercetti]

This is the problem right here.

What was he going to do with his need for sex for the next 4 years?

Wait to marry you? That is ridiculous.

 

He should dump you.

 

He agreed and did not dump her, hence the problem. He misrepresented a shared value and lacked the backbone to honestly go after what really wanted. A coward at best.

[Robert]

Per OP's request, reopened

[elaine567]

is this behaviour something that can stop if i slept with him or married him??

 

I very much doubt that you can stop this.

He has crossed the line into paying for sex, that in itself can be a great turn on, you may find it hard to compete once you are married, and you may find it hard to keep him from straying again.

 

He is cheating, pure and simple. He lied to you, he said he would wait for you. "waiting for you", doesn't mean he can engage escorts and cheat on you.

 

Be glad you found out now and not 3 years down the line and 2 kids to worry about.

Go find a better man.

[kendahke]

 

is this behaviour something that can stop if i slept with him or married him??

 

No.

 

I think that he went along because he didn't appreciate your convictions. When he saw that you were serious about holding off until marriage, he went and hired a sex worker to work out the mechanics of the act without investing feelings.

 

Were the celibacy thing his original idea and he was already living that kind of life, then the holding off until marriage thing would have worked. But he agreed for all the wrong reason (aka: living a lie) and his truth came busting up out of the darkness.

 

I seriously doubt this was his first time using escorts and I also seriously doubt he would stop using them once you two got together. Should you get pregnant by him, he'd be back to using them again.

 

Staying with him depends upon how badly you need this relationship with this man.

[Qboro90]

so i have a scenario..please give me decent thoughts yes i know most people will say why wait to have sex but listen to the situation first.

 

So i have dated this guy for abotu 4 years, from the start i told him i was not going to have sex until marriage and he agreed saying he was too. so we dated. we had a few problems and broke up for about a year and later reconnected.. he still said he would wait to have sex.. now we been back together for a year and been talking about marriage but to my surprise, I found a list of escorts numbers in his house when he asked me to move in..I declined the move in offer because off course thats un neccesary tempatation but this list i wondered ..i googled the numbers and all of them are escorts..

 

so ive confronted him about this and he swears they are strippers who just gave him private shows (at motels might i add) and lap dances, and he says they would occassionally mutually masturbate while he looked on and gave them commands (he says they never touched each other though). (fetish??) so he says he really is waiting for me but just needed an outlet for sexual frustration as he got bored with masturbating to porn at home and wanted some live interaction...(live porn) so strip clubs and private parties were it..

 

any thoughts about this?? Am skeptical but tend to be naive at times so since i dont know much about this world he had delved into am interested in your thoughts..we were planning a summer wedding for next year...so far he has spent atleast $1000 from what i've seen in the past 2 months i dont know how long this has gone on though.

 

is this behaviour something that can stop if i slept with him or married him??

 

Sorry if this is blunt but you are being incredibly naive here. He is 1000% having sex with these women/escorts. Escorts don't charge that kind of money just for lap dances or mutual masturbation. He's lying to you to make it sound as less awful and harmless as possible but even this excuse is actually laughable. That's like you catching him with Playboy magazines and him saying "oh I don't look at the naked women, I just buy it because I like the articles". You're choosig to believe his BS because you care about him and don't want to believe he is sleeping with so many women let alone hookers. He may very well care about you but I don't care what anyone here says about "waiting for marriage", or "he should be able to control himself and wait for you" . He's a man, he wants to have sex. You're not offering it to him so he's having it with hookers. If you can live with it then best of luck to you. Just know that he isn't just meeting them for lap dances. Don't embarrass yourself by letting him think you believe that load of crap.

[petertemplar]

yes i know most people will say why wait to have sex but listen to the situation first.

 

I listened to the situation and it sounds like waiting to have sex was (surprise!) a bad idea.

 

You yourself said you are naive. You sound naive regarding the "strippers". Given that, maybe you shouldn't be rushing into marriage right now. Maybe your discovery about him is a blessing in disguise.

[Dork Vader]

I highly doubt it was just lap dances and masturbation.

 

I dated a stripper who would do house parties and private shows. She would NOT sleep with the clients but she also never gave them her number or personal information.

 

I can assure you he touched them, especially if he received lap dances. A lot of strippers that will hand out their personal information do have sex with the clients.

 

No matter how you look at it the guy was cheating and having sex with these women. Even if he did not touch them with his penis. He WAS using it for sex, mutual masturbation is sex, oral sex is sex.

 

You should run, what's he going to do in marriage if he has sexual frustration? Not talk too you about it and just go find some strippers? Move on the guy can not be trusted and has not been honest.. So what in world makes you think he is being honest now?

[Diana Bol]

He's not the only one at fault. You hold your vagina hostage and you expect a man with testosterone to wait for you? Naive. You have no clue what sexual urges a man goes through just like men don't know what you go through during periods.

 

It's mostly his fault though. He should have left the moment you told him that you wouldn't have sex.