MorningWillow Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 As most of us who find ourselves in an affair never really 'think' you would ever be in one. Well, thats me! Honestly, I married too young at age 22 and I know I went forth with the marriage because the money had been spent. My husband and I have been together 6 years and the last 4 have been awful. We work opposite schedules so we never see each other and when we do, we don't get along. Honestly, we're more roommates than anything. I ended up meeting a MM who is literally going through the same situation I am. It was almost scary how identical our lives were. We bonded very quickly and our online chatting quickly turned to phone calls, video chats, and texting all day long. The first time we met it felt so right. We both agreed to no sex and honestly we really didn't need it. Both of us were smitten. The connection was stronger than ever and we quickly agreed to a second 'date'. That time was even better than last and the connection we felt almost felt like a movie. We did mess around a bit (no actual intercourse) but mostly cuddling, kissing and just really enjoying each others company. That night he had told me he was "falling madly in love with me" and honestly, I felt the same way. He had made it very clear from the beginning he would never leave his wife, but that night something changed, or so I thought. He even told me the whole ride home that it was the first time he had ever considered leaving his wife. I was shocked. The next morning, his 30th birthday mind you, D-Day came. I had texted him Happy Birthday and his wife saw it. Not only did she see that, but she also saw all of our pictures we sent to one another and videos... explicit pictures and videos. I had not known this at that point. Later on he was acting weird via text. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he would call me later. Literally 5 minutes later I got a Face Time from him (which was weird because he knew my husband was home). I answered it to see his wife starring back at me. YIKES! Instead of hanging up, I answered all of her questions she had except for how we met and we left it at that. That day she left him, with their 6 week old baby. Mind you this was not his first time cheating. Actually it was his 3rd time and 2nd that she knew of. The first 2 were all physical, but this time it was emotional. She had asked him if it was physical and he told her no, it was emotional. Double ouch. Naturally, he was devastated that she left and that he "didn't expect that to happen." I instantly went into caring mode and tried to be there for him. DUMB! I brought over food and we had sex. It was our first time, and it was awful! He was so mentally checked out that I felt disgusted with myself. The next morning I woke up numb and confessed everything to my husband. Literally everything! He's been awesome about all of it and said, "If I would have been a better husband you would have never cheated." Seriously, he's been amazing. The MOM eventually tried NC and told me he had to do everything in his power to save his family. I was devastated. To make a long story short, the NC didn't hold and he called me a few days later. We ended up having sex again and this time he was all in it, and I was not. His wife ended up filing for divorce and all he ever talks about is getting his wife back. The sad part is I know its not his wife he wants, but basically he's in survivor mode. Mind you his wife doesn't know we had sex. She thinks I kissed him on the cheek and he has no intention of telling her the truth. I tried breaking things off, but we both end up talking to one another. If he feels me pulling away via text, he calls me. And its true, I get sucked right back in. Then, when distance myself again, he sends me texts about ending his life. UGH! I'm just so damn confused. That same night we were video chatting and he says he misses me, but we could never be a couple, "We're too much alike." I told him I can't be friends with him, because it will always be more than just friends with him. Then he gets sad and says he's "not ready to let me go." Yet, I know its just him using me because he's lonely. What do I do? I feel like I want to be there for him, and he keeps pushing being friends, because we "get each other", but I feel like I'm way more attached than he is. I know if his wife comes back he would drop me off like a sack of potatoes and never look back. How do I just end things without feeling the emotional pull to come back. I just feel used, and part of me wishes he wanted me as much as I want him, but I KNOW thats not the case. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I think you need to tell your husband and leave him. He might not be strong enough right now to leave you due to the fact you blind sighted him with your betrayal and continued betrayal. Let him go find a better woman for him. This will give you time to go be with the OM and be decent on your current Husband in the divorce. Do the right thing and do not really fight him on much. Let him go live a better life. He deserves that right? I mean since he has been faithful to you. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 So the first time you were too young. And the second time you got involved too quickly. Maybe 3's a charm? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorningWillow Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 The thing is, I know my husband is right for me. He IS what I want, I'm just having a hard time letting go. I think since my husband and I have been SO disconnected for so long that it's hard going back to a broken marriage already. We've built a beautiful life together, we just never built us. Not to mention, if I were to leave my husband, the OM already has made it very clear nothing would happen. His goal is to get his wife back and being with me would prevent that from happening. I write this and KNOW what I am doing is wrong, but yet I'm confused why the OM even keeps me invested. Ugh! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Have you continued to be honest with your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I have to ask, did you confess partly hoping your husband would toss you out? If you could have this end the way you wanted, how would it look? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorningWillow Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 He knows everything except that we've continued talking. I'm not trying to hide it, but he doesn't understand the need to help or care about a guy whose an "*******." Truth is I don't know either. It's obvious he doesn't care about me, but then when I pull away he acts all sweet to pull me right back in. Before someone mentions counseling, I already know. We've set up MC and IC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorningWillow Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 Initially I think I used the MM as my way out, but I'm also aware that if my husband would leave me I know I would probably regret it. Honestly, I think it comes down to self esteem. Both me and the MM had childhood abuse and I think we both suffer from the abandonment issue. Basically we both want to let go, but then don't want to. It's a constant push, pull. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 He deserves to know your still sleeping with the guy. He deserves to know to make his own choice. If you want your husband you need to cut all ties with this other man. If you don't then you need to leave. If your husband learns your still sleeping around on him there will come a time you wont get a choice. You will find yourself in a divorce with neither man wanting anything to do with you. I still think you should just leave your husband. He sounds like a great guy and he deserves better than you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 The last four years of your marriage have been awful, you and your husband are more like roommates than anything, and you're having an affair. But your husband is right for you and he IS what you want. You've wrecked two marriages. Maybe it's time to try the single life before you do any more damage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Initially I think I used the MM as my way out, but I'm also aware that if my husband would leave me I know I would probably regret it. Honestly, I think it comes down to self esteem. Both me and the MM had childhood abuse and I think we both suffer from the abandonment issue. Basically we both want to let go, but then don't want to. It's a constant push, pull. See I really don't get this at all. You've already said your marriage is cr$p, but you hold onto it. Even in your title you put "stupid enough to stay." Do you and your husband a favour and divorce so you both can move on and find the happiness you both don't have with each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 The last four years of your marriage have been awful, you and your husband are more like roommates than anything, and you're having an affair. But your husband is right for you and he IS what you want. You've wrecked two marriages. Maybe it's time to try the single life before you do any more damage. Exactly. She needs to make herself healthy before bringing anyone else into her life. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 He knows everything except that we've continued talking. I'm not trying to hide it, but he doesn't understand the need to help or care about a guy whose an "*******." Truth is I don't know either. It's obvious he doesn't care about me, but then when I pull away he acts all sweet to pull me right back in. Before someone mentions counseling, I already know. We've set up MC and IC. So, your husband knows you went back for round two of sex also? If so, he seems content to be a doormat. He doesn't seem to respect himself very much, so it appears that you're not going to respect him either. You say that the cause of this is probably your low self esteem. But you're letting your husband blame himself. Seems kinda cruel, doesn't it? Look, I'm not trying to beat you up here but you're playing single while your husband turns himself into a cuckold. As is usual in these situations, your logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices are either to fix your marriage or leave it. I suggest you choose one and stick to it. Otherwise, this will only get worse, perhaps much worse. And I don't ser your draw to this OM. He's cheated on his wife three times, continues to lie to her (which is why he won't end up winning her back), and he jerks you around, too. Is this the fairytale prince you envisioned as a young lady? He's not luring you back in. You're making that choice. Own it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MorningWillow Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 I did tell my husband I want a divorce, even though I know he's the best man for me, but for his sake. He told me "I know you're trying to run, but I won't let you run." He said that the last 4 years he stop trying and that's why we felt like roommates. He also said "you didn't walk out on me when I wasn't there for you, I'm not going to let you walk out on me now." I know what I need to do. It's just hard. Thank you for everyone's very honest thoughts. It's been a real harsh wake up call. Now to commit to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 You're in a dead marriage. Leave your H; although you could use your OM as exit affair I wouldn't advise you staying with him since he's a serial cheater. Also get STD tested. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 His wife ended up filing for divorce and all he ever talks about is getting his wife back. The sad part is I know its not his wife he wants, but basically he's in survivor mode. Mind you his wife doesn't know we had sex. She thinks I kissed him on the cheek and he has no intention of telling her the truth. You would be wrong about this, he very much wants his wife and child back. He is miserable that he messed up his marriage and is only keeping you to aide his loneliness until he can get his wife back. Good for her that she filed for divorce immediately. You say that you know your husband is the right man for you but you never said it is your husband that you are in love with. You should be single to mingle and get it out of your system. You were only 22 when you married and to me that is too young. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I did tell my husband I want a divorce, even though I know he's the best man for me, but for his sake. He told me "I know you're trying to run, but I won't let you run." He said that the last 4 years he stop trying and that's why we felt like roommates. He also said "you didn't walk out on me when I wasn't there for you, I'm not going to let you walk out on me now." I know what I need to do. It's just hard. Thank you for everyone's very honest thoughts. It's been a real harsh wake up call. Now to commit to NC. Excuse me? You can file divorce yourself. Why are you waiting for your husband to give you permission? Thank goodness wife and baby are save from this mess. Edited June 1, 2015 by No Limit Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 You have built "a beautiful life" together yet you are just "roommates". How is that ever going to work out well? Poor chump is out there earning, whilst you are cheating and pining for your OM. Be honest with your husband and let him find a good wife, before he gets older and builds up resentment towards you. Many never really forgive cheating partners, he may be "amazing", but he will be devastated. Spend some time here on the infidelity board for some of their stories. You also KNOW this OM is just using you, so be true to yourself and get rid. Forget about that one time he said he was "falling madly in love", it wasn't real as none of his subsequent action are those of a man madly in love with YOU. He was just the usual - man cheating while his wife is pregnant - as he feels "unwanted" and unimportant, with a pinch of the serial cheater I guess too. Once you are free, sit down and evaluate what you really want in life. Stop making do with men who are not really what you truly want. YOU are still young, do not waste anymore of your time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I did tell my husband I want a divorce, even though I know he's the best man for me. You keep saying this but nothing you've posted supports this. The sad part is I know its not his wife he wants, but basically he's in survivor mode. I'd guess the same thing is true of your husband... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I write this and KNOW what I am doing is wrong, but yet I'm confused why the OM even keeps me invested. Ugh! Because he wants to keep having sex with you. He is using you for sex. Divorce your husband and set him free. He will hate you, but he will get over it eventually. He needs to find a woman who desires him emotionally, mentally, sexually and who really wants him as a whole person. You have detached, and once a woman gives herself away to another man it is next to impossible for her to reattach herself emotionally and physically to her husband. Edited June 1, 2015 by Cephalopod Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 i don't think you're being very honest with yourself. your marriage is dead as it stands right now. neither you nor your husband is doing anything substantial to make things better. i only see words coming out from the both of you... words without actions mean nothing. i suggest you and your husband get into counseling to give it one last try, as it seems that's what you two really want. if that doesn't work, i think divorce might be the only other option. the path that you two are on at this point is unsustainable. as to the OMM, he's done this before- 3 times to be exact. if this doesn't tell you something about his character, i don't know what else you need. obviously, his wife gave him another chance and he totally disregarded her feelings and involved himself in another affair. she did the right thing and divorced his lying, cheating a$$- she deserves better. she'd be foolish to take him back at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 The thing is, I know my husband is right for me. He IS what I want, I'm just having a hard time letting go. I think since my husband and I have been SO disconnected for so long that it's hard going back to a broken marriage already. We've built a beautiful life together, we just never built us. Not to mention, if I were to leave my husband, the OM already has made it very clear nothing would happen. His goal is to get his wife back and being with me would prevent that from happening. I write this and KNOW what I am doing is wrong, but yet I'm confused why the OM even keeps me invested. Ugh! This post is a bit confusing. Are you saying that you want to work on the marriage? Or do you want to stay in a broken marriage because you have built a beautiful life together? Whether you stay or divorce you spread know the MM is a no go. By responding back to him you are ruining any shot of fixing your marriage for a man who doesn't want to be with. You think you need to stop questioning why the MM is contacting you and cut him out cold turkey. Delete and block his contact info. I also strongly suggest you tell your H EVERYTHING, including the continuous contact and sex with MM. You could do this during your upcoming MC session. Stay strong, break the addiction. Start looking at the MM for what he really is, a liar and cheater. You can break the cycle by being transparent with your H and cutting the MM loose. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 For how long has your husband known? I am thinking that he is biding his time for something, so I might be a bit careful if I were you. He might tell you not to file for divorce because maybe he is getting his ducks in a row to do it..... Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 MorningWillow first off sorry you find yourself in this situation. After reading your post it sounds as though both you and your MM have had D Days and it seems the both of you are not very remorseful about what you've done. First if you would like to save your M, I would suggest reading 2 books, "Not Just Friends" and "How to Heal Your Spouse After Your Affair." I would also start some kind of MC if your BH is willing. Your BH is incorrect in saying or thinking your A was caused by him. It was not, you could have approached your BH at anytime to communicate there was distance being felt by you. You chose to have an A, the A was caused by you OP. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Check out The Five Love Languages, as well. Your marriage is salvageable, if you are both completely committed to putting the work into it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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