When the xMM suggests an occasional booty call...

[Hope Shimmers]

It's certainly not always true. I've seen a few cases here where I did buy that the MM was actually emotionally connected. I just think that it's by and large, the rare exception. The problem: the rule is that we all like to think that we're the exception.

 

I didn't mean to imply that my situation - just because it wasn't based on sex - was any kind of optimal exception. I still don't know what/how he really felt or why he did the things he did. Maybe he cared; maybe he didn't. In the end, it doesn't matter if he cared or not because it ended exactly how most of the rest do.

[Southern Sun]

xMM had another OW before me. I found out about her after he had already hooked me. He "ended" things with her "for me", which supposedly made me "special" (his words). It also kind made me feel obligated to continue the affair. Remember again that he was my boss, so it was all very messed up. It was manipulation and triangulation. He told me all throughout our affair how much "easier" she was than me, how much less complicated their arrangement was, how they could never get caught. So I was always a little uncomortable. And then when he started pulling away and then later totally using me for sex, I started wondering if he would go back to her. Later, I watched him do it and then he lied to my face about it when I confronted him. He told me I was wrong, made me feel crazy, shamed me for even thinking it.

 

I know he did it though.

 

Oh - at one point I asked him how he ended things with her when he took up with me. He told me he actually "took the easy way out" and just said his wife was onto them and he just needed to go quiet for a while.

 

Even still, he made this proposition of every 6 months.

 

I never wanted to have an affair. He just sort of swooped in on me. So even though I got caught up in it and my emotions did get involved and I wish I could change it - I guess I am grateful now for the amount of suffering he put me through. He wasn't terrible all the time. I mean, if he was, I could have cut the cord a lot sooner. That's what was confusing. But he did so many awful things over the period of time we were 'together', and then these last few big ones, with this final phone call...that I just have no questions left.

 

I have the gift of clarity I guess.

 

Yet it is sad that I am still sitting here wondering - was it still really all for nothing? I was really nothing but a piece of meat to him. It makes me sick.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yet it is sad that I am still sitting here wondering - was it still really all for nothing? I was really nothing but a piece of meat to him. It makes me sick.

 

And how would you feel if you could know for sure that it was more, that he did care about you? What would that change?

 

Because the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. This is a man that was a mentor to you for decades, way before the sex happened.

[GoldieLox]

 

Yet it is sad that I am still sitting here wondering - was it still really all for nothing? I was really nothing but a piece of meat to him. It makes me sick.

 

And you're going to wonder. It's in our nature. I set out to find that answer several times from my xAP. No matter how many times I hear I wasn't just sex, how strong his feelings really were for me, guess what. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER HEARING HE CARED FOR ME. I'm not yelling at you... I'm using my caps and my big-girl voice to emphasize the fact that it didn't change anything. It makes it worse having feelings involved, especially when he seemed so sincere. I think that's why I self-sabotage myself and keep saying that I was just a use-job. I'd almost rather have it that way.

[Southern Sun]

And how would you feel if you could know for sure that it was more, that he did care about you? What would that change?

 

Because the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. This is a man that was a mentor to you for decades, way before the sex happened.

 

I've actually thought about this. I really don't know. In some ways, believing what I do now, that he just used me, and having experienced some of the awful things that really did happen - it has helped me to see the truth of the situation and go back home to my H.

 

The funny thing is, I think because I believe xMM actually has some major "issues", I believe he truly did care about me. In his way, to the best of his ability. And the best of his ability is just very very shallow, very base, very self-centered. When he told me that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone - I think he actually believes that. And I think that is very very sad.

[Southern Sun]

Because the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. This is a man that was a mentor to you for decades, way before the sex happened.

 

Another thing Hope - that's what makes it hurt more. I guess I thought that someone I looked up to for so long, someone I had trusted, someone I had put on a bit of a pedastal...I thought he would take better care of me than that.

 

It's a very vulnerable feeling.

[Brigit]

After about 30 minutes of a bunch of other stuff, he finally revealed that he didn't need me for the legal issue. That was it. But that's when he proposed that we meet in a hotel room. And then we went on further to suggest that perhaps we could do that every 6 months. He said that his wife couldn't have it all that bad at home, but he was miserable and would like to have a little fun. He had spent the prior 30 minutes of the call talking about how great we were together (sexually). I was mostly silent. And then he threw out this proposition. Then he offered that I could think about it, said "I love you" and hung up. Note that this was after a very purposeful GOODBYE conversation where we ended it. So I guess he kinda forgot about that.

 

That was it.

 

 

He's trying to use you for sex. Men can have sex without emotional romantic ties. I don't understand how they can but apparently that is how their minds work. I know you want to fantasize and think that maybe he's in love with you or really wants to be with you and it's not about sex at all. But that isn't the case. Women get into affairs with romance leading their hearts and sex is served up to keep the romance going. Saying goodbye to someone you have feeling for isn't easy. You'll have to start loving you more than you love him in order to keep your sanity.

[Southern Sun]

He's trying to use you for sex. Men can have sex without emotional romantic ties. I don't understand how they can but apparently that is how their minds work. I know you want to fantasize and think that maybe he's in love with you or really wants to be with you and it's not about sex at all. But that isn't the case. Women get into affairs with romance leading their hearts and sex is served up to keep the romance going. Saying goodbye to someone you have feeling for isn't easy. You'll have to start loving you more than you love him in order to keep your sanity.

 

It's hard for me to explain. I really don't want all the love and romance with him. I mean, yeah, there was a whirlwind 6 weeks where he had me big time. But that was 6 weeks out of a year and a half long "affair," that was very up and down and generally miserable. In addition, he has been in my life for many more years than that, as a boss/mentor. I've trusted him in very innocent ways for 15+ years.

 

He kept telling me in the beginning, "I've got you."

 

I just feel so...I don't know if I have the words.

[jwi71]

It's hard for me to explain. I really don't want all the love and romance with him. I mean, yeah, there was a whirlwind 6 weeks where he had me big time. But that was 6 weeks out of a year and a half long "affair," that was very up and down and generally miserable. In addition, he has been in my life for many more years than that, as a boss/mentor. I've trusted him in very innocent ways for 15+ years.

 

He kept telling me in the beginning, "I've got you."

 

I just feel so...I don't know if I have the words.

 

If I may inquire...how are things for you?

[Southern Sun]

If I may inquire...how are things for you?

 

Thanks for asking. I am in recovery, I guess you could say. While I've known off and on for some time that I was giving way more than I was getting in that relationship, that I was being manipulated and used to an extent, I've only recently really understood that the "affair" I had was actually pretty emotionally abusive. It also created a very hostile work environment and I didn't know from one day to the next what it would be like. I was under daily stress, depressed, and lived with a level of anxiety that I didn't know was possible.

 

I always had brief moments of clarity all throughout that year and a half, but he would come back in with some nice words, really anything as long as it wasn't mean or silence or angry, and all my convictions would fall away. He trained me on breadcrumbs. I was so busy trying to figure out what was going on that I couldn't get clear enough to make a strong and right decision for MYSELF and my own husband and family.

 

After my husband found out and I quit, and I was no longer exposed to him, I started to see things differently. Then he would force his way back in, and just hearing him would confuse me. It's only been since I have completely enforced total NC that I now really get it.

 

Ever since then, my brain is busy putting things together. Each day something hits me. I remember this, then that, then OMG, THAT...I cry, I rage, I just can't f'in believe it. I will get stuck on something and just ruminate. It is overwhelming. I've been able to share this with my H. This is not "affair" stuff. It's something else entirely.

 

So I am making progress. I am nearing 8 weeks total NC, by my doing. But this is hard stuff.

[jwi71]

Thanks for asking. I am in recovery, I guess you could say. While I've known off and on for some time that I was giving way more than I was getting in that relationship, that I was being manipulated and used to an extent, I've only recently really understood that the "affair" I had was actually pretty emotionally abusive. It also created a very hostile work environment and I didn't know from one day to the next what it would be like. I was under daily stress, depressed, and lived with a level of anxiety that I didn't know was possible.

 

Fantastic. I find most A's are abusive for the very reasons you outline - verbally and emotionally abusive. And they typically don't end well - as you know. Look for it in the stories here - the push/pull you will often read is almost text book manipulation - borderline abuse in come cases. The carrot dangling and all the other crap.

 

I wish people would choose happier and healthier alternatives.

 

But it is hard to see the forest for the trees - especially for those IN the forest.

 

I always had brief moments of clarity all throughout that year and a half, but he would come back in with some nice words, really anything as long as it wasn't mean or silence or angry, and all my convictions would fall away. He trained me on breadcrumbs. I was so busy trying to figure out what was going on that I couldn't get clear enough to make a strong and right decision for MYSELF and my own husband and family.

 

After my husband found out and I quit, and I was no longer exposed to him, I started to see things differently. Then he would force his way back in, and just hearing him would confuse me. It's only been since I have completely enforced total NC that I now really get it.

 

Ever since then, my brain is busy putting things together. Each day something hits me. I remember this, then that, then OMG, THAT...I cry, I rage, I just can't f'in believe it. I will get stuck on something and just ruminate. It is overwhelming. I've been able to share this with my H. This is not "affair" stuff. It's something else entirely.

 

So I am making progress. I am nearing 8 weeks total NC, by my doing. But this is hard stuff.

 

Its a long, hard perilous journey. Necessary.

Dont be afraid of the ugly you find in yourself. We all have it. Few face it. Fewer still even win. And here's the secret your IC WONT tell you: the ONLY way to lose to the ugly is to quit. The ugly is an illusion. It doesn't really exist. And you have PERFECT control over it. It just looks scary. Feels scary. Face it - and you'll see just how weak and small it really is.

 

Keep going. You'll get there. I have been particularly worried about some secret dropping and it pushes your H away - but I think as you face the ugly, find strength and confidence (in yourself and ultimately your H and your M) - the truth can come out.

 

I like your chances.

[Adoraxx]

I used to post a lot more here. Unfortunately, I found that a lot of women here just aren't ready. I realized that, as I said above, it commonly takes years for women to really get to the point where they can accept that the guy just really isn't going anywhere. It's hard to watch women keep throwing good money after bad. And when it's been years of trying to remain hopeful, that a very difficult investment to give up. I get it. All the guy has to do is create another little sense of hope (breadcrumbs, as they say) and it helps to fuel that denial that it's a hopeless situation. No one wants to feel like they were stupid, used, and played, especially for years. With so much time and emotion invested, it becomes easier to just wait one more day. It's hard to watch. And there's already a litany of voices saying to dump the MM. In the end, I think most women just end up convincing themselves over time. That's the one thing the MM can't stop - the passage of time. It seems like 3-4 years is some kind of invisible threshhold where women do begin losing patience. But even then, it's just the beginning of acceptance and taking definitive action. Many times, he has kids and that's the perfect trump card - that he just can't break up his children's family. It makes him all the more the good guy, doesn't it? I think that one is what really gets them years of grace - that they love their kids so much that they just can't leave. Hook, line, sinker.

 

Sadly, after a few years of agonizing over it, the real hard work begins - feeling like crap about losing the man, about the wife 'winning' (when she may not have even been a bad spouse at all), about being manipulated, and accepting that it was for nothing. So many just slink away, still trying to protect their MM, holding onto some hope that he's actually a decent guy that really cared about her. The guy doesn't even get exposed after messing with two women's lives. And the MM keeps his wife, keeps betraying his wife, and probably takes up with another OW - one that has less drama because she hasn't even started that 3-4 year journey yet. And now he's skilled at what he does.

 

Makes me want to barf.

 

I also hope that you will post here more often, BetrayedH, your posts are VERY helpful

[Whisper Quiet]

Another vote for BetrayedH posting more.

[Brigit]

He kept telling me in the beginning, "I've got you."

 

 

That's very seductive language. Next time you hear words like that let your Red Flags raise.

[Brigit]

Ever since then, my brain is busy putting things together. Each day something hits me. I remember this, then that, then OMG, THAT...I cry, I rage, I just can't f'in believe it. I will get stuck on something and just ruminate. It is overwhelming. I've been able to share this with my H. This is not "affair" stuff. It's something else entirely.

 

So I am making progress. I am nearing 8 weeks total NC, by my doing. But this is hard stuff.

 

 

Your brain chemistry is screwed right now and you're going thru withdrawal.

[Adoraxx]

That's very seductive language. Next time you hear words like that let your Red Flags raise.

 

That's an interesting point that you make here. My MM used to tell me several times in the beginning (before our A began): "One day you and I will have sex" while staring at me intently.

[Brigit]

That's an interesting point that you make here. My MM used to tell me several times in the beginning (before our A began): "One day you and I will have sex" while staring at me intently.

 

He was getting you ready for the affair. He watched your responses and if you looked excited he knew he could proceed. Some men think they can have a harem.

[Southern Sun]

It's interesting what you are saying - I think now, looking back, he most definitely was using everything in his tool box to seduce me. It makes my skin crawl. It makes me really damn sad, knowing our history.

 

One poster mentioned withdrawal...I wanted to clarify that all of my revelations and ruminations, they are not about me missing the affair. I am just having flash after flash of memory hit me, cold, hard, truths, things that happened that I am now understanding in their true context. They are like kicks in the gut.

 

Finally, I wanted to address jwi's post. Thank you for kind words and hopeful thoughts. I think I'm going to be okay too.

 

I will grant you that affairs can have a manipulative or push and pull tone by their very nature, but not all are like that. However I want to tread lightly here because "abuse" is not a word a I wanted to throw around. I don't all affairs are abusive - ask Sassy and other posters on this board. And I was not at all abusive towards xMM. I have thought carefully about this and don't take it lightly even saying it on this forum. But considering the long term prior mentor relationship, the existing boss/employee relationship, how the affair developed and evolved, how he treated me, how it affected the workplace due to his hot and cold behavior, and the power dynamic coupled with my general feeling of helplessness, his exertion of control ...yes, that's what happened.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for asking. I am in recovery, I guess you could say. While I've known off and on for some time that I was giving way more than I was getting in that relationship, that I was being manipulated and used to an extent, I've only recently really understood that the "affair" I had was actually pretty emotionally abusive. It also created a very hostile work environment and I didn't know from one day to the next what it would be like. I was under daily stress, depressed, and lived with a level of anxiety that I didn't know was possible.

 

I always had brief moments of clarity all throughout that year and a half, but he would come back in with some nice words, really anything as long as it wasn't mean or silence or angry, and all my convictions would fall away. He trained me on breadcrumbs. I was so busy trying to figure out what was going on that I couldn't get clear enough to make a strong and right decision for MYSELF and my own husband and family.

 

After my husband found out and I quit, and I was no longer exposed to him, I started to see things differently. Then he would force his way back in, and just hearing him would confuse me. It's only been since I have completely enforced total NC that I now really get it.

 

Ever since then, my brain is busy putting things together. Each day something hits me. I remember this, then that, then OMG, THAT...I cry, I rage, I just can't f'in believe it. I will get stuck on something and just ruminate. It is overwhelming. I've been able to share this with my H. This is not "affair" stuff. It's something else entirely.

 

So I am making progress. I am nearing 8 weeks total NC, by my doing. But this is hard stuff.

 

Pretty good post here. It's tough but also great that you're being introspective. I haven't read thru the rest of your threads/posts so I'm a little ignorant of the full context. But I'll venture to post a novel here anyway.

 

In the four years or so that I've been here earning my virtual PhD in Infidelity, I've seen a few common characteristics of wayward spouses. Sometimes it's just one of these; in other cases there's a bit of a toxic combination.

 

(1) Severe conflict-avoidance. As with any marriage, there's disagreement, annoyances, and conflict. Some address it directly. Others have learned to avoid conflicts. And many times, being conflict-avoidant is very well-intentioned. No one wants to be the bitch or the nag. And most people know that marriage involves compromise. But some people really have difficulty addressing what they "need." Instead of addressing a problem, they try to make a sacrifice and put it behind them. Given time, these little issues develop into resentment. And one thing I know for sure is that unresolved resentment will kill any relationship. The things my wife listed as marital challenges after I discovered her affair were almost comical and frankly, pretty easily resolved once I really knew about the level of import (and that she'd grown resentful about them). But she didn't grow up in a family that dealt with conflict, at all. It wasn't a tool she had in her toolkit. If she did anything, she made what she called "softball attempts" at things. For example, she started buying 2% milk and lowfat snacks. I was supposed to understand that I needed to lose some weight.

 

(2) An excessive need for external validation. In some cases, people have low self-esteem and seek out validation from others. Maybe they just never got the approval of parents. Maybe they were ridiculed in school. For some, even if they're in a perfectly good relationship, the sudden attention from someone of the opposite sex is very validating. Unfortunately, a spouse isn't very validating. They are contractually stuck with you. Even if they want to have sex with you, they're not even allowed to have sex with anyone else so it doesn't make you feel special or personally desirable. However, if that married guy with two kids suddenly starts to make eyes with you, you DO feel desirable and special. This only gets magnified if he starts to take risks with his marriage, kids, and career in order to be with you. You start to feel like you must really be something if he's willing to do that. The attention is intoxicating. A spouse has little chance of competing with that. Worse yet, they don't even know that a competition for their spouse is happening.

 

(3) An overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Sometimes a spouse is just fine but the wayward wants, and feels they deserve, more from life. They want the home life and excitement, too. The operative phrase is, "I deserve to be happy." When combined with, "What they don't know, won't hurt them" then you've got a solid rationalization for going outside of the marriage. It doesn't apply to everyone but my wife, like many others, came from a family of very self-entitled people. It was just part of her upbringing.

 

What I see with most affairs is that they aren't logical; they don't solve marital problems. They aren't ethical; it's not "fair" to keep your spouse faithful while you play single. They aren't healthy; they involve huge risks and have the potential to really hurt people that we love, including kids. And for most people, they aren't moral as it goes against their own belief system.

 

So why would someone make the illogical, unethical, destructive, and immoral choice to have an affair? I think it's usually one of those three reasons (severe conflict-avoidance, an excessive need for external validation, or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement). What's interesting is that none of these things has to do with the betrayed spouse or the marriage. I firmly believe that infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

Why do I mention all of this? Because I think it's great that you're being introspective. I don't hear you blameshifting your choices onto your spouse; you are looking within. I believe that the things that cause affairs to happen are typically a result of our childhood and our family of origin. We are broken to an extent that we make sometimes very poor choices as a coping mechanism.

 

The cool thing is that I do believe many people can be fixed (for lack of a more elegant term). We can change. We can improve. Your spouse is probably obsessed with wanting to know "why" you had this affair. Hell, you're probably struggling to understand why. If you can identify your personal 'why,' then I truly believe you'll be more apt to identify when you're leaning that direction in the future and you can alter your course. Even better, your husband can feel more confident that he'll avoid a repeat performance. Being broken from something in our past doesn't have to define us for life. And It doesn't make us the antiChrist. And so I believe that given the right circumstances (a truly remorseful wayward spouse that embraces looking inward), forgiveness is perfectly acceptable.

 

And that forgiveness extends both from the betrayed spouse and from the wayward spouse to him/herself. Sometimes it's even easier for the BS. What I recommend for the wayward is making decisions of which you can be proud. And keep making them. Be proud of that 8 weeks, and keep going. When you consistently make decisions that you're proud of, it truly is only a matter of time before your self-pride returns. And that is many times, the key to everything.

[Brigit]

^^^Your Virtual PhD in Infidelity is impressive.

 

For me it was a toxic mixture but mostly validation/excitement induced.

[Southern Sun]

Pretty good post here. It's tough but also great that you're being introspective. I haven't read thru the rest of your threads/posts so I'm a little ignorant of the full context. But I'll venture to post a novel here anyway.

 

In the four years or so that I've been here earning my virtual PhD in Infidelity, I've seen a few common characteristics of wayward spouses. Sometimes it's just one of these; in other cases there's a bit of a toxic combination.

 

(1) Severe conflict-avoidance. As with any marriage, there's disagreement, annoyances, and conflict. Some address it directly. Others have learned to avoid conflicts. And many times, being conflict-avoidant is very well-intentioned. No one wants to be the bitch or the nag. And most people know that marriage involves compromise. But some people really have difficulty addressing what they "need." Instead of addressing a problem, they try to make a sacrifice and put it behind them. Given time, these little issues develop into resentment. And one thing I know for sure is that unresolved resentment will kill any relationship. The things my wife listed as marital challenges after I discovered her affair were almost comical and frankly, pretty easily resolved once I really knew about the level of import (and that she'd grown resentful about them). But she didn't grow up in a family that dealt with conflict, at all. It wasn't a tool she had in her toolkit. If she did anything, she made what she called "softball attempts" at things. For example, she started buying 2% milk and lowfat snacks. I was supposed to understand that I needed to lose some weight.

 

(2) An excessive need for external validation. In some cases, people have low self-esteem and seek out validation from others. Maybe they just never got the approval of parents. Maybe they were ridiculed in school. For some, even if they're in a perfectly good relationship, the sudden attention from someone of the opposite sex is very validating. Unfortunately, a spouse isn't very validating. They are contractually stuck with you. Even if they want to have sex with you, they're not even allowed to have sex with anyone else so it doesn't make you feel special or personally desirable. However, if that married guy with two kids suddenly starts to make eyes with you, you DO feel desirable and special. This only gets magnified if he starts to take risks with his marriage, kids, and career in order to be with you. You start to feel like you must really be something if he's willing to do that. The attention is intoxicating. A spouse has little chance of competing with that. Worse yet, they don't even know that a competition for their spouse is happening.

 

(3) An overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Sometimes a spouse is just fine but the wayward wants, and feels they deserve, more from life. They want the home life and excitement, too. The operative phrase is, "I deserve to be happy." When combined with, "What they don't know, won't hurt them" then you've got a solid rationalization for going outside of the marriage. It doesn't apply to everyone but my wife, like many others, came from a family of very self-entitled people. It was just part of her upbringing.

 

What I see with most affairs is that they aren't logical; they don't solve marital problems. They aren't ethical; it's not "fair" to keep your spouse faithful while you play single. They aren't healthy; they involve huge risks and have the potential to really hurt people that we love, including kids. And for most people, they aren't moral as it goes against their own belief system.

 

So why would someone make the illogical, unethical, destructive, and immoral choice to have an affair? I think it's usually one of those three reasons (severe conflict-avoidance, an excessive need for external validation, or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement). What's interesting is that none of these things has to do with the betrayed spouse or the marriage. I firmly believe that infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

Why do I mention all of this? Because I think it's great that you're being introspective. I don't hear you blameshifting your choices onto your spouse; you are looking within. I believe that the things that cause affairs to happen are typically a result of our childhood and our family of origin. We are broken to an extent that we make sometimes very poor choices as a coping mechanism.

 

The cool thing is that I do believe many people can be fixed (for lack of a more elegant term). We can change. We can improve. Your spouse is probably obsessed with wanting to know "why" you had this affair. Hell, you're probably struggling to understand why. If you can identify your personal 'why,' then I truly believe you'll be more apt to identify when you're leaning that direction in the future and you can alter your course. Even better, your husband can feel more confident that he'll avoid a repeat performance. Being broken from something in our past doesn't have to define us for life. And It doesn't make us the antiChrist. And so I believe that given the right circumstances (a truly remorseful wayward spouse that embraces looking inward), forgiveness is perfectly acceptable.

 

And that forgiveness extends both from the betrayed spouse and from the wayward spouse to him/herself. Sometimes it's even easier for the BS. What I recommend for the wayward is making decisions of which you can be proud. And keep making them. Be proud of that 8 weeks, and keep going. When you consistently make decisions that you're proud of, it truly is only a matter of time before your self-pride returns. And that is many times, the key to everything.

 

I for one am going to start calling you Dr. BetrayedH

 

I believe I was very susceptible in this instance to the external validation - your second reason outlined above. And because of who this xMM was to me - a mentor, authority figure, older, someone I looked up to, I do believe in a twisted way it goes back to me always desiring and needing the approval of my father. It's a little icky, but true. And when he suddenly set his sights on me, told me how much he wanted me, how special I was to him - I guess it hit me in all the right places.

 

As far as blaming my husband, I never did. I remember looking at xMM in the very beginning and telling him I had a good marriage. It confused even

 

I mention the abuse and manipulation not to shift blame. It just WAS. That was the dynamic. I still made my own choices. What I see now is that my weakness was falling for the external validation, the flattery, and it was particularly intoxicating coming from this man. But the abusive and manipulative dynamic of the affair made it very hard for me to see my way out.

 

I am highly aware of that weakness in me now. I actually believe that the amount of suffering I went through in this was designed so that I would NEVER forget.

[BetrayedH]

^^^Your Virtual PhD in Infidelity is impressive.

 

For me it was a toxic mixture but mostly validation/excitement induced.

 

Lol. Well, that's pretty much all I've got.

[BetrayedH]

I for one am going to start calling you Dr. BetrayedH

 

I believe I was very susceptible in this instance to the external validation - your second reason outlined above. And because of who this xMM was to me - a mentor, authority figure, older, someone I looked up to, I do believe in a twisted way it goes back to me always desiring and needing the approval of my father. It's a little icky, but true. And when he suddenly set his sights on me, told me how much he wanted me, how special I was to him - I guess it hit me in all the right places.

 

As far as blaming my husband, I never did. I remember looking at xMM in the very beginning and telling him I had a good marriage. It confused even

 

I mention the abuse and manipulation not to shift blame. It just WAS. That was the dynamic. I still made my own choices. What I see now is that my weakness was falling for the external validation, the flattery, and it was particularly intoxicating coming from this man. But the abusive and manipulative dynamic of the affair made it very hard for me to see my way out.

 

I am highly aware of that weakness in me now. I actually believe that the amount of suffering I went through in this was designed so that I would NEVER forget.

 

I think it's perfectly ok to say that you were seduced or manipulated, as long as it's in the same vein of understanding that it was because you were vulnerable (which is an internal issue). Anyway, you seem quite aware of it so I didn't take it as blameshifting.

 

And maybe I'm reading more between the lines here than I should, but I'm also sensing a dominant/submissive aspect to the affair relationship. That's also ridiculously common. Generally speaking, I think younger women are trained and conditioned to be a "good" girl and to be somewhat sexually repressed (so they're not considered a slut). For some reason, guys are expected to be hound dogs. But as a woman ages, I think they get more comfortable with their sexuality. They're not ashamed of it and want to explore it. They've seen men be sex hounds and they kinda want to be able to do that, too. And why shouldn't they?

 

I think for many women, there's a desire to be sexually dominated. But that's really hard to bring into a marriage. Marriage is almost always such a state of compromise and negotiation. There's a delicate power dynamic that ebbs and flows. I think a lot of wives are really hesitant to express a submissive side of themselves with their husband for fear that they'll lose some of their power in the relationship, that showing that vulnerability will lead to the husband taking a dominant position in other ways. Plus, I'd bet it's an embarrassing thing to suddenly share with a man whom you've conditioned to treat you with respect.

 

But an affair partner is much different. By it's very nature, it's secret and temporary. It won't affect your marital/household dynamic. He won't meet your friends and family. Long story short, it's "safe" to do with him.

 

Forgive me if I'm far off with this tangent. With your descriptions of the MM (he sounds like a complete ass), I'm just taking a guess that this may have been part of the affair dynamic. If I'm anywhere near the mark, I'd suggest that you might be better able to safely explore this with your husband than you think. The power dynamic is the bedroom can be a powerful and satisfying. I think it's a natural and primal instinct to follow. But it doesn't have to affect the rest of the relationship, at all. With the right partner (and some courage), you really can have both.

[Brigit]

I for one am going to start calling you Dr. BetrayedH

 

I believe I was very susceptible in this instance to the external validation - your second reason outlined above. And because of who this xMM was to me - a mentor, authority figure, older, someone I looked up to, I do believe in a twisted way it goes back to me always desiring and needing the approval of my father. It's a little icky, but true. And when he suddenly set his sights on me, told me how much he wanted me, how special I was to him - I guess it hit me in all the right places.

 

As far as blaming my husband, I never did. I remember looking at xMM in the very beginning and telling him I had a good marriage. It confused even

 

I mention the abuse and manipulation not to shift blame. It just WAS. That was the dynamic. I still made my own choices. What I see now is that my weakness was falling for the external validation, the flattery, and it was particularly intoxicating coming from this man. But the abusive and manipulative dynamic of the affair made it very hard for me to see my way out.

 

I am highly aware of that weakness in me now. I actually believe that the amount of suffering I went through in this was designed so that I would NEVER forget.

 

Girls with "daddy issues" are prime for affairs IMHO. If your dad never gave you the unconditional love that he was suppose to then you'll forever be searching for that approval until you can come to terms with the fact that you'll never get it. Your dad screwed up but you don't need to be screwed.

[Brigit]

I think for many women, there's a desire to be sexually dominated. But that's really hard to bring into a marriage. Marriage is almost always such a state of compromise and negotiation. There's a delicate power dynamic that ebbs and flows. I think a lot of wives are really hesitant to express a submissive side of themselves with their husband for fear that they'll lose some of their power in the relationship, that showing that vulnerability will lead to the husband taking a dominant position in other ways. Plus, I'd bet it's an embarrassing thing to suddenly share with a man whom you've conditioned to treat you with respect.

 

But an affair partner is much different. By it's very nature, it's secret and temporary. It won't affect your marital/household dynamic. He won't meet your friends and family. Long story short, it's "safe" to do with him.

 

 

You should write a book! I wonder how many women looked to their affair partner to take this type of control? I know I did. Psychological BDSM was a huge part of my affair.