Still Struggling

[Brigit]

Your lack of self-esteem and self-pride is what's key here. It makes you seek external validation. You're not happy with yourself. The validation provided by your husband apparently isn't enough either (even though he's sacrificed a lot to spend the rest of his life with you). You still feel a need for 'more.'

 

The way to build your self-pride is to only take actions of which you can be proud. And then you keep consistently doing that. When you consistently only take actions of which you can be proud, it is only a matter of time before your self-pride returns.

 

 

It's hard to convince yourself that life is great when you're being yelled at, taken for granted or disrespected. Maybe contacting my cyber BF was a way to get even.

[Brigit]

I'm not suggesting that depression be used as an excuse for infidelity of any sort but rather that the quickest path to getting your obsession with your online affair under control may be by getting your and your husband's depression under better control.

 

I have been working on treating my depression with medication compliance, listening to lots of spiritual talks and reading self-help books. Therapy may or may not be a good avenue to take. I don't like talking about myself.

[BetrayedH]

It's hard to convince yourself that life is great when you're being yelled at, taken for granted or disrespected. Maybe contacting my cyber BF was a way to get even.

 

I'm not suggesting your life will be great. I was talking about your pride in yourself, your self-esteem.

 

For many waywards, an affair is a passive-aggressive way of taking out their resentments on the BS. The resentment has to be resolved. Personally, I think an ultimatum for MC is in order.

[Morro72]

Therapy may or may not be a good avenue to take. I don't like talking about myself.

Last I looked, cognitive-behavioral therapy was the sort recommended for depression. As I understand it, CBT does not involve the sort of rummaging through the past that is generally associated with traditional psychotherapy. If you haven't tried it, it may be worth a shot. (The people I know who have depression report that the traditional, introspective sort of therapy just seems to make things worse - they feel like it traps them in the past rather than helping them to cope with the present or plan for the future.)

[Brigit]

I'm not suggesting your life will be great. I was talking about your pride in yourself, your self-esteem.

 

For many waywards, an affair is a passive-aggressive way of taking out their resentments on the BS. The resentment has to be resolved. Personally, I think an ultimatum for MC is in order.

 

I do appreciate your taking time out to help me. My affair was a combo of a lot of things, revenge, loneliness, fear of getting older and probably some other stuff. I can't force my husband to go to MC. Right now, all I can do is work on myself. I worked hard to get us here. I had lots of crappy jobs and did lots of sweat equity. I'm not walking away from my investments.

 

The rules are that I can't cheat. Fine. I'll figure out better ways to enjoy my life. Sometimes my marriage is really good and fun. I'll try and appreciate the good and ignore the bad.

[Brigit]

Last I looked, cognitive-behavioral therapy was the sort recommended for depression. As I understand it, CBT does not involve the sort of rummaging through the past that is generally associated with traditional psychotherapy. If you haven't tried it, it may be worth a shot. (The people I know who have depression report that the traditional, introspective sort of therapy just seems to make things worse - they feel like it traps them in the past rather than helping them to cope with the present or plan for the future.)

 

CBT is very good. Right now, I'm learning mindfulness skills and trying to focus on being in the present moment. I'm taking an active role in improving my emotional world.

[understand50]

I do appreciate your taking time out to help me. My affair was a combo of a lot of things, revenge, loneliness, fear of getting older and probably some other stuff. I can't force my husband to go to MC. Right now, all I can do is work on myself. I worked hard to get us here. I had lots of crappy jobs and did lots of sweat equity. I'm not walking away from my investments.

 

The rules are that I can't cheat. Fine. I'll figure out better ways to enjoy my life. Sometimes my marriage is really good and fun. I'll try and appreciate the good and ignore the bad.

 

Brigit,

 

The only thing we control is ourself, and if we need a better out come, we can only change how we deal with things. Brigit, work on changing how you relate to your husband and you can change how he relates to you and how he works in the marriage. That is why I keep asking you for your plain, what actions can you take. Positive things can happen, but you are going to have to lead them.

 

2100

[Brigit]

Brigit,

 

The only thing we control is ourself, and if we need a better out come, we can only change how we deal with things. Brigit, work on changing how you relate to your husband and you can change how he relates to you and how he works in the marriage. That is why I keep asking you for your plain, what actions can you take. Positive things can happen, but you are going to have to lead them.

 

2100

 

Right now, I'm still angry. He yelled at me this morning before he went to work so I unplugged the phone again.

 

My plan is to clean the house and listen to my spiritual talks and try and remain sane.

 

LOL

[Brigit]

Right now, I'm still angry. He yelled at me this morning before he went to work so I unplugged the phone again.

 

My plan is to clean the house and listen to my spiritual talks and try and remain sane.

 

LOL

 

On a brighter note today I have no interest in checking the Twitter account. I also have no interest in speaking to my husband. Apparently, I'm beginning to enjoy my alone time.

[understand50]

On a brighter note today I have no interest in checking the Twitter account. I also have no interest in speaking to my husband. Apparently, I'm beginning to enjoy my alone time.

 

Brigit,

 

How are we doing?

 

386

[Brigit]

Brigit,

 

How are we doing?

 

386

 

...you don't want to know. But come September the world is going to explode. (Before it does I'll ask Jesus for forgiveness)

[SoulStorm]

So have you gone beyond stalking and started communicating again or has your husband finally gotten on your very last nerve and you had a huge fallout or both?

[Brigit]

So have you gone beyond stalking and started communicating again or has your husband finally gotten on your very last nerve and you had a huge fallout or both?

 

My husband and I got into a massive fight. I fell into a deep depression. Started planning a complete exit strategy and I don't mean just from the marriage. I figured if I'm going might as well say goodbye to bf. Chatted with bf, no nudity. Discussed depressive thoughts. I'm seeing my psychiatrist today.

[SoulStorm]

My husband and I got into a massive fight. I fell into a deep depression. Started planning a complete exit strategy and I don't mean just from the marriage. I figured if I'm going might as well say goodbye to bf. Chatted with bf, no nudity. Discussed depressive thoughts. I'm seeing my psychiatrist today.

Are you saying bf as in boyfriend? I realize that depression makes your perception on life a bit distorted but your life is truly precious.

 

Don't throw it away for perceived hopelessness, you truly are better than that

[Brigit]

Are you saying bf as in boyfriend? I realize that depression makes your perception on life a bit distorted but your life is truly precious.

 

Don't throw it away for perceived hopelessness, you truly are better than that

 

I'm going to see my psychiatrist today so don't worry. Yes, I contacted my cyber bf, we just talked. Like I said we met on a mental health site so he is someone I tell the very scary stuff to without him freaking out.

[turnera]

It's hard to convince yourself that life is great when you're being yelled at, taken for granted or disrespected.

Just need to point out...the above is in YOUR control. YOU allow it to happen. If you don't want to be yelled at, leave the room. If you don't want to be taken for granted, stop doing things for him so he misses you. If you don't want to be disrespected, calmly point out the TRUTH and then leave the room.

 

Stop being a victim.

[turnera]

I've never had too much self-confidence but I know how to "appear" as if I do, when needed. I was taught that I should have high self-esteem and if I didn't then I'd get eaten by two legged sharks.

 

I tried to force myself to have high self-esteem but that didn't work. Perhaps most self-loath and pretend otherwise.

What therapy are you doing to GET that self confidence? How many self-esteem workbooks have you completed? What homework are you doing to change your beliefs about yourself? Are you volunteering somewhere so you can make a difference in the world? Are you building/growing/creating something so you feel a sense of accomplishments? Are you giving yourself daily affirmations?

 

There are a ton of ways you can work on building self-confidence. But it IS 'work.' It will never just happen. You will never just wake up and love yourself. It takes a lot of hard work. Yeah, it's work, and could take a few years. But think about where you would be at the end of those few years if you DON'T do the work? Just as miserable, feeling just as sorry for yourself, as you are today. Why not put in the work so in a few years you won't be able to believe how happy you are?

[autumnnight]

Brigit, it sounds like you are trying to make progress but are also still relying on those old and self-destructive coping mechanisms. Of course, anyone who has struggled with breaking long term bad patterns knows it isn't instant or linear.

 

Honestly, I would recommend making it as impossible as possible to access this OM in any way. Block him on everything, remove his number from your phone, etc. Make a list of several things you can do when you are at the end of your rope or very angry INSTEAD.

 

You have made references to religion, etc I think. I know that we each in theory have the power to just magically walk away from every word that hurts us. However, I also understand that most of us feel we have to try to "hang in" or "reason" or maybe if we were just more X or less Y he would stop. And because "God hates divorce," we try to stay.

 

There is a book I have seen recommended by many people who have lived with or still live with men similar to your hubby: Why Does He Do That? is the name of it. Because you have cheated, his treatment of you may be seen differently, BUT if it is wrong, it is still wrong.

 

I'd recommend the book.

 

And while I urge you to give every effort in every fiber of your being to have better boundaries, understand that no one on any forum including LS has perfectly implemented all of this stuff in our own lives.

 

I know confession scares you, but it would be one way to instantly help you stay more accountable with regard to the OM, and it would shed some cold reality on the fantasy of him and the "escape" associated with him.

[merrmeade]

My husband very much wants our marriage to work. We do have to get more serious about the sex part which does seem to be a problem. He refuses MC. He says he doesn't want to waste his weekends doing something he doesn't feel he needs.

This is the problem. You have no consequences, so why should you stop?

[Brigit]

Just need to point out...the above is in YOUR control. YOU allow it to happen. If you don't want to be yelled at, leave the room. If you don't want to be taken for granted, stop doing things for him so he misses you. If you don't want to be disrespected, calmly point out the TRUTH and then leave the room.

 

Stop being a victim.

 

If I leave the room he follows me. A lot of time he yells at me it's the middle of night. Stop blaming me for his yelling.

[Brigit]

What therapy are you doing to GET that self confidence? How many self-esteem workbooks have you completed? What homework are you doing to change your beliefs about yourself? Are you volunteering somewhere so you can make a difference in the world? Are you building/growing/creating something so you feel a sense of accomplishments? Are you giving yourself daily affirmations?

 

There are a ton of ways you can work on building self-confidence. But it IS 'work.' It will never just happen. You will never just wake up and love yourself. It takes a lot of hard work. Yeah, it's work, and could take a few years. But think about where you would be at the end of those few years if you DON'T do the work? Just as miserable, feeling just as sorry for yourself, as you are today. Why not put in the work so in a few years you won't be able to believe how happy you are?

 

I've been reading self-help books, meditating, listening to dharma talks, everything by Eckhart Tolle. I've tried doing the exercises in the workbooks but they don't help. I called up about DBT today but the only place around here doesn't take my insurance.

[Brigit]

I've been reading self-help books, meditating, listening to dharma talks, everything by Eckhart Tolle. I've tried doing the exercises in the workbooks but they don't help. I called up about DBT today but the only place around here doesn't take my insurance.

 

I deactivated the email account I used to contact the OM. I'm back on track. I'm doing better today. I've listened to a lot of Tolle yesterday which helps me regulate my emotions. I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life being yelled at since that seems to be my husbands favorite hobby. He's not going to change. But I can. I can make myself stronger both physically and mentally. I had an amazing workout today at the gym. I'm going to take it slow and find more self-compassion.

[GorillaTheater]

Brigit,

 

How do you deal with your husband yelling? The best way in my opinion would be to leave the vicinity telling him that you all will talk when your H can speak to you civilly and like a human being.

 

I doubt that he treats anybody else that way.

[turnera]

Do you leave the room when he raises his voice?

[Brigit]

Brigit,

 

How do you deal with your husband yelling? The best way in my opinion would be to leave the vicinity telling him that you all will talk when your H can speak to you civilly and like a human being.

 

I doubt that he treats anybody else that way.

 

He treats people that way at work but I'm sure I get it the worst. I do try and get away from him when he's yelling but he'll follow me around the house. I try to get to the bathroom to lock myself in but he'll block my way. He has never hit me. Ever. He will admit the yelling is wrong but say that everything he yells about he believes is valid. At this point I'm sick of his nastiness and his family issues. I don't know what my long term plans are with my marriage. My short term plans are to become a stronger person.