Lovebug66 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 For a second...just for a second I think about opening a new account on the site and posting bathing suit shots. Just for the attention...(I know I have issues please try not to judge too harshly) But I stop myself and remind myself that even when I had my pictures posted and received lots of male attention it didn't make me feel better. It actually made me feel worse. I'm not sure why? If I really wanted men to look at me and make me feel good about how I look why would getting compliments get me depressed? Maybe it's the high low thing. You get the "like" and the comment which gives your brain that kick. But it's a sugar kick and then you crash after the likes stop or don't come as much which makes you want to post another picture and the whole cycle starts again. YUCK. I get this Brigit! I don't act it out in the same way you do, but it's the same underlying thing and then I feel worse afterwards. What I have found for me is that I am seeking approval. I want people (esp my H) to approve of me and I do things I don't feel good about to get that approval. It feels empty because I'm begging for it in a way, when what I really want is to just be accepted for who I am without having to draw attention to it. Does that make sense? You need to accept and love yourself first and act in ways that show you love and accept yourself, then the complements you get that you don't have to fish for will actually mean something to you. Easier said than done with the home situation you are in, I understand that as I have been living in something similar. I think you are on the right path tho 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 I get this Brigit! I don't act it out in the same way you do, but it's the same underlying thing and then I feel worse afterwards. What I have found for me is that I am seeking approval. I want people (esp my H) to approve of me and I do things I don't feel good about to get that approval. It feels empty because I'm begging for it in a way, when what I really want is to just be accepted for who I am without having to draw attention to it. Does that make sense? You need to accept and love yourself first and act in ways that show you love and accept yourself, then the complements you get that you don't have to fish for will actually mean something to you. Easier said than done with the home situation you are in, I understand that as I have been living in something similar. I think you are on the right path tho That is it. Seeking approval. Taking my clothes off was a desperate attempt to feel valuable. Same with posting pictures. I wish I didn't care what people thought. It's probably why I spend so much time alone. Rejection and abandonment fears lurk. So I run to those who I feel will give me the most approval when I socialize. It's so sad and childish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I'm going to treat this thread as real time therapy. I was doing fine. Engaging in back breaking work in the garden. Decided to take a break. Thought it might be fun to check the fitness site I used to be on. First thing I do is look at the pictures of the females 40 and up. I'm ashamed to say I feel good when I see pictures of women who I look more attractive than. Yeah...I know that sounds horrible but I'm not going to get better if I lie. Then of course I can't stop at that. So I take a peak at the 20 something crowd...never a good idea. And of course they look fab. So then I start to feel a bit sad... and here is where the problem is... For a second...just for a second I think about opening a new account on the site and posting bathing suit shots. Just for the attention...(I know I have issues please try not to judge too harshly) But I stop myself and remind myself that even when I had my pictures posted and received lots of male attention it didn't make me feel better. It actually made me feel worse. I'm not sure why? If I really wanted men to look at me and make me feel good about how I look why would getting compliments get me depressed? Maybe it's the high low thing. You get the "like" and the comment which gives your brain that kick. But it's a sugar kick and then you crash after the likes stop or don't come as much which makes you want to post another picture and the whole cycle starts again. YUCK. I didn't open an account. Yay! (But I did check out OM's tweets.) I've figured out what the relationship with OM might be. He was addicted to me as a web cam girl, always hot and ready and I was addicted to the attention. Being sexually provocative was a way for me to get a narcissistic need met. I guess the way to solve this problem is to not value sexual attention. Brigit, I have never seen a picture of you, I am sure you are a fine figure of a 40 something female. I would like you to consider all the other things you are. Having read your posts, you seem to be a intelligent woman with some wit. Living for male attention, (or female, if you were a guy) is hollow in the end, as all of us lose youth as we age. You know this, so good for you for not posting. As for you seeing what your AP needed and got from you and what you got from him, is a good step. One must be able to be good in their own skin and stand by themselves when needed. Unfortunately, in our society, men and women cannot be just friends. Sex always seems to get in the way. Stating that, I do think you could benefit having a "guy" who is just a friend and nothing more. Maybe over some shared interested. So here is a question. Do you see every man you have contact with as a potential sex partner? Even if you have no, or would not, have any interest in pursuing sex with them. In other words, can you interact with men and not expect or need sexual attention from them? If you can get to a place where you can have a friend, who happens to be a guy, and only a friend, I think that may help you. As always good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 That is it. Seeking approval. Taking my clothes off was a desperate attempt to feel valuable. Same with posting pictures. I wish I didn't care what people thought. It's probably why I spend so much time alone. Rejection and abandonment fears lurk. So I run to those who I feel will give me the most approval when I socialize. It's so sad and childish. I totally understand! Don't beat yourself up, that will just make you feel like you need to get some more approval haha You already didn't post pictures, that is a huge step in the right direction. Focus on that. I feel very aware I do it and still find myself looking back over my day and thinking now why on earth did you do that? Its a life long pattern that takes a long time to break. I like my alone time too and I find it hard to trust people as I haven't been around many people in my life that haven't rejected me. Sometimes I take that rejection much too personally, it's not always all about me. I have surrounded myself with not great people a lot of times, I should prefer they reject me, yuck Acknowledge what you don't like about your behaviors and set out to work on changing them, but if you try to see the silver lining that's what keeps you moving forward. Hugs! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Brigit, I have never seen a picture of you, I am sure you are a fine figure of a 40 something female. I would like you to consider all the other things you are. Having read your posts, you seem to be a intelligent woman with some wit. Living for male attention, (or female, if you were a guy) is hollow in the end, as all of us lose youth as we age. You know this, so good for you for not posting. As for you seeing what your AP needed and got from you and what you got from him, is a good step. One must be able to be good in their own skin and stand by themselves when needed. Unfortunately, in our society, men and women cannot be just friends. Sex always seems to get in the way. Stating that, I do think you could benefit having a "guy" who is just a friend and nothing more. Maybe over some shared interested. So here is a question. Do you see every man you have contact with as a potential sex partner? Even if you have no, or would not, have any interest in pursuing sex with them. In other words, can you interact with men and not expect or need sexual attention from them? If you can get to a place where you can have a friend, who happens to be a guy, and only a friend, I think that may help you. As always good luck. It's OK for me to chat on open forums with men or interact briefly in the world with men. It's been my experience that men don't spend too much time with females they don't want to fu*k. So a man who doesn't want to fu*k me really hasn't much interest in my fears, concerns, problems etc. Even if I'm in a store I've noticed if I wear a dress men come rushing to help me. Even if I say I don't need any help they seem to try very hard to help me. LOL. Usually, when I'm out I try and dress so you can't see my curves, face or hair. I wear sweatpants, sunglasses and a hat. Most of the time I really don't want to be bothered. Oddly enough. But sometimes I DO want to be noticed and that's obviously a problem. I know my issues with men have stemmed from the original abandonment and neglect from my cruel father. I have some insight which helps. I'm trying to get my emotions & behavior under control. I'm sick of feeling "less than." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 I totally understand! Don't beat yourself up, that will just make you feel like you need to get some more approval haha You already didn't post pictures, that is a huge step in the right direction. Focus on that. I feel very aware I do it and still find myself looking back over my day and thinking now why on earth did you do that? Its a life long pattern that takes a long time to break. I like my alone time too and I find it hard to trust people as I haven't been around many people in my life that haven't rejected me. Sometimes I take that rejection much too personally, it's not always all about me. I have surrounded myself with not great people a lot of times, I should prefer they reject me, yuck Acknowledge what you don't like about your behaviors and set out to work on changing them, but if you try to see the silver lining that's what keeps you moving forward. Hugs! Nobody likes rejection. But I think some of us are more sensitive to it than others. Hugs to you too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 It's the weekend and my husband is home. I have no urges to contact OM. I think his birthday is today I hope he's doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 Today my husband yelled at me and I didn't contact my cyber BF. Being yelled at is a big trigger to want to do something impulsive. I've always run to men for comfort instead of giving myself the comfort. If I can learn to self-soothe my chances of being the kind of person I want to be will increase. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Good for you Brigit! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Good for you Brigit! I'd like to become a person like those I've admired. Someone good, kind, compassionate and wise. Sadly to say I have been quite the opposite. There is so much I don't like about myself. I'm trying to change. At 46 I'm not sure how realistic that is but I might as well try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I'd like to become a person like those I've admired. Someone good, kind, compassionate and wise. Sadly to say I have been quite the opposite. There is so much I don't like about myself. I'm trying to change. At 46 I'm not sure how realistic that is but I might as well try. Brigit, You can always change. You have started, by trying to act like the person you would like to be. When I say that, know that there are times you will not measure up to you stranded, but it is the fact that you work at being that person you want to be. If you need to change, start with small steps until you can. I keep asking you for your plan, map out your journey, to be that person. More importantly, define what is means to be that person. What is, for you, to be "Someone good, kind, compassionate and wise" How about starting a tread asking what it is to be so. Brigit, 46 is young, age is in the mind, not the body, if you strive for it, you can change. We all struggle, but it is our life's struggles that make us strong. Hang in there, and good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I'd like to become a person like those I've admired. Someone good, kind, compassionate and wise. Sadly to say I have been quite the opposite. There is so much I don't like about myself. I'm trying to change. At 46 I'm not sure how realistic that is but I might as well try.What kind of books do you read? Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit1 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Brigit, You can always change. You have started, by trying to act like the person you would like to be. When I say that, know that there are times you will not measure up to you stranded, but it is the fact that you work at being that person you want to be. If you need to change, start with small steps until you can. I keep asking you for your plan, map out your journey, to be that person. More importantly, define what is means to be that person. What is, for you, to be "Someone good, kind, compassionate and wise" How about starting a tread asking what it is to be so. Brigit, 46 is young, age is in the mind, not the body, if you strive for it, you can change. We all struggle, but it is our life's struggles that make us strong. Hang in there, and good luck FYI - I can't get into old account. I was MIA a couple of days and forgot password and also forgot password for email I made for this forum. I hope I don't have trouble posting. (Like to keep things on the DL.) In any case, I did check OM twitter account and apparently he has a girlfriend and now I'm a bit angry and relieved. Weird. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Please have complete NC with the OM. Stop checking. Close that part of your life completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit1 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Please have complete NC with the OM. Stop checking. Close that part of your life completely. That is the goal. I get impulsive and I feel "If I just check quickly it's no big deal. Just a bit of entertainment." And I'm not that upset that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure if he had one when we spoke last and he lied to me that he didn't. That's irrelevant since I'm married and shouldn't be checking up on him. I'm really not upset if he lied or didn't or has a girlfriend or is making it up to mess with me. He likes messing with me. It's what we did... It's just a bit of intriguing drama to infuse in my otherwise dull life. But dull is good and what I need. I know this to be true. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 How goes it Brigit? Hope you've been able to stay the course and away from the drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit_1 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 How goes it Brigit? Hope you've been able to stay the course and away from the drama. I've stopped looking at the twitter feeds! I'm over my ex-cyber boyfriend. Hugs for asking! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I've stopped looking at the twitter feeds! I'm over my ex-cyber boyfriend. Hugs for asking! Well good, news, keep up the good work. What is your next step? Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit_1 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Well good, news, keep up the good work. What is your next step? Thank you. It feels good to have that behind me. My next step is trying to strengthen my mind, body and spirit in a HEALTHY way thru meditation, healthy eating and gym 5 times a week. My biggest weakness in being a good wife is "enjoying" sexual attention from men. I know this and I working on self-validation so I won't enjoy it so much. Changing is hard but I must continue to try. Today I had such an impulse to rejoin a fitness site and post bathing suit shots just for the attention. But I didn't. I posted here about wanting to do it and then the impulse faded. I'm going to start doing volunteer work again. I'm trying to get strong enough to walk the service dogs in training. Last time they messed up my shoulder and back. LOL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit_1 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I'm over him. Today, I have no interest in checking his feeds nor yesterday or last week. It's a good feeling. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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