In desperate need of guidance!

[LostinLifeGal]

INTRODUCTION

 

 

I am in desperate need of advice regarding my life and marriage. I am a 36 year old woman and have been married for 12.5 years. My husband is 41. We have an amazing 3 year old son whom we both just adore. So this is a bit of a long story, but I will try my best to be concise.

 

So firstly, I am of Indian origin (India). I was born here, but my folks came from India about 43 years ago. My husband is also originally from India. He was there until he was 22 and then went off to Australia to study further. So anyways, my husband and I met through our moms… Not arranged but “encouraged.” I was just 14 when I met him for the first time when he was 19 when I visited india. There was obviously nothing between us, cause he saw me as a kid anyways (as he should have). But I was this very sheltered child and went to an all girls school, so when my mom said to me you will probably end up with him, I developed a crush and got fixated on it. My mom liked his family because his mom was her old best friend from school and his family was very very wealthy. My home life was awful. My parets fought all the time and it often was physically abusive. My dad would hit my mom. I had an older brother (6 years older) but since I was old enough to remember he was too scared of getting in between my parents so would push me forward.

 

I spent my childhood defending my mother and being her support system and therapist. I was her “best friend.” I never went on sleepover etc because my mom would “miss me too much.” I could never talk back like normal teenagers because my mom would go into deep rage saying “See? You don’t love me! We will never get along when you grow up!” and would end in lots of her crying and passive aggressive behavior. My mom was/is an EXTREMELY beautiful woman and so she always loved being the center of the room, and I was always a pinky extension of her. If someone told us that I looked like her, she would consider it the worlds greatest compliment for me. She would often joke about my dad being ugly in front of people. They fought primarily because of his family. He would side with his mom and family in India over her all the time. She was also very deeply insecure about them..But they did do and say some nasty stuff. There was a LOTTTTT of drama in my house. My dad would fake heart attacks etc when he got mad. My mom would fake passing out. As far back as I remember my mom always said she was

“weak “ and sick. (She just had anemia). She’d hold it over my dad..(If I get more stress, the doctor says Ill have a brain hemorrhage.)

 

Anyways, when I was in college, my husband visited here (now boyfriend at the time) and we did actually start dating… I don’t think I was in love. I think its all I really knew…But he was a nice guy ahnd good looking so I thought I was in love. Guess he did too. But problems started because my brother and I were always trained to not react to my mom and dad… We would never show anger etc. But my husband was raised in a pretty normal family and he saw the absurdity of the way my mom controlled me, and would react. She would say strange things to him…insult his family etc… When he reacted she claimed insult etc. It was ugly and if I said anything to her, she would start screaming that he “brainwashed me.”

Anyways, fast forward years of drama, pain, insults from my mom. My bf had moved to the US and was working now in another city. Just an example of her behavior…I went to London for a study abroad for 2 months in college. She’s constantly call me (like 3 times a day.) My fellow students would make fun of that… I once told her, “Mom im 21 and Im fine…Once a day is OK.” She freaked and blamed me for “not missing her” etc…

So off I went to law school. My boyfriend and I were in this tumultuous relationship due to constant crap from my mom. But we thought that once we got married, my parents would back off. My dad just paroted what my mom said in these matters. Was the only place he could earn brownie points. So my boyfriend was a smart guy with an MBA, but didn’t make much money at the time and my parents would constantly diss him saying that he would live off of me since I would be a lawyer and take my money and send it home to his parents etc.

My mother made my life hell. Even lied and told me she had three years to live… So anyways, amongst al this, my boyfriend’s family lost most of their money due to family business issues. So that just made the situation worse. Boyfriend got laid off, and though we were engaged and planning on getting married, we got married very quickly due to his visa status in a justice of the peace when I was 23 and he was 28. We thought my parents would change after but my mom only got worse… Made our lives HELL. Instead of enjoying the first years of our marriage, I was only scared and distracted… I tried to commit suicide 6 months after marriage because my mother was driving me that crazy.

 

My husband and I barely ever had sex because I was so distracted. I lived on a roller coaster based on my mom’s behavior. I tried to confront but it never worked and resulted in more drama. I tried my best to defend him, not let it affect me etc., but I couldn’t… I kept begging my husband, PLEASE can we just move to another state so we are not near them?? I can never be who I want to be living near them! I didn’t have the heart or guts to cut them off completely in dear of the repercussions and my own guilt. My mom just wanted me to belong to her and say yes to everything she said… She couldn’t stand that I was trying to have my own life.

But by now, (3 years after our marriage) but husband didn’t listen. We both had fantastic jobs. I was just 25 and made 140,000 at my law firm (I was a lawyer then) and my husband was high on the corporate ladder doing great. I was like “I don’t care about the money. Ill get a job anywhere. PLEASE I need to move away from here! I need to breathe!!!” Every time I was away (in geography) on vacation etc., I felt like I could BREATHE and she couldn’t get me… I just wanted to move. My brother lived across the country and was still too chicken to ever react to my mom even though he knew it was nuts.

 

I was in therapy. Therapist said my mom had borderline personality disorder… The therapist tried to help me get over my fears and trauma etc…One day, my mom was going into her typical comparison of me to “other daughters” on the phone at work and how I wasn’t her best friend anymore etc., crying on the phone while I was at WORK. All I said was “Mom, maybe if you STOPPED comparing me all the time, I WOULD come over more!” That’s it. Next thing she was screaming like a maniac in the hospital ER LOBBY saying “My daughter has left meeeeee! I want my daughter backkkkkk!” The ER nurses said this was all drama but they could admit her to a psychiatric ward. My parets refused and went home an acted like it never happened. My mom attributedit to a “little stress.” My husband and I knew that she was off her rocker. But it so so so hurt me…Her behavior… SDhe just said she “loved me too much” and I wasn’t her “best friend anymore.”

I kept begging my husband to move and said we could easily get great jobs elsewhere. He refused saying he didn’t want to “run away” and we MUST BE PRACTICAL. I was soooo depressed and woke up crying every day for months. One day I woke up with my hand numb. Multiple tests later, it was determined that I had MS at the age of 27. I think my brain probably popped from stress!! And funny thing was, it didn’t affect me at all. I didn’t even care because I had so much trauma etc from my mom that this was the LEAST of my worries…

Time went on. so much trauma etc from my mom that this was the LEAST of my worries…My mom backed off a little when she found out I had MS… I was in therapy, worked a crazy job and my husband and I fought all the time. There was no physical intimacy at all. My husband also kept saying how he was SO Much happier in India etc…Even when we went on trips together, he would compare them to how great it was being in India with his family… He was never all there either because he was resentful or me for not completely breaking ties with my mother or confronting her the way he would have liked. Mind you, I DID keep distance. I talked to her every few days and left meeting up with her for every month or so. I also kept my husband away from her and saw them maybe once in two months.

I tried to function and live normally and kept telling myself “she is just crazy.” But I would still get hurt by her comments. But I tried… I worked, I had friends, I tried to connect with my husband, but he just saw me as weak. I still kept asking him, “Please, I need to move away. I cannot spend my life near her.” Buit instead of listening, he said we need to be practical and then went and bought a house. Yup… Convinced me we need to make the right investments and we bought a town home. I wasn’t happy at all because I felt like it was a nail in the coffin. I wanted to MOVE far away but he was tying us down more…. I tried to act happy, but I was not. He knew I wasn’t happy but blamed me for “ruining it” for him.

On top of all this, he was by now only interested in his own family in India. They would always have financial needs/wants which my husband HATED discussing with me. I said these things are joint decisions and he hated that. Either way, he always guilted me into having to go along with him whether I agreed or not.

Through all this, I was 30 now, and it was time to try for a baby… But we didn’t have sex at all… We started couples therapy and it felt like we would eventually work things out and the intimacy may improve. My husband said he was turned off all these years by my behavior with my mom but he was trying to get it back…We started fertility treatments. Mind you, to me my biggest fear was coming true. I did NOT WANT TO HAVE A BABY AROUND MY MOM. I knew she would try to take the baby over… But we continued trying. I had 3 miscarriages and finally had a successful pregnancy by a very crude “at hiome artificial insemination” using a syringe. It was very insulting to me personally that I was doing this because my husband didn’t want to do it with me, but kept telling myself it would get better…

We had our son and I went through MASSIVE Post Partem. I begged my husband through my pregnancy that I needed to move away from my mom. Ididnt want to raise my son around her. He kept saying we will move when it’s the right time. Guess what he did?? Again, convinced me that I needed to be practical and bought yet ANOTHER house. The first house he liked was actually even CLOSER to my parents…Only 20 minutes which terrified me. He called me crazy and said I need to get over things. IK called the “Dr. Laura show” (psychotherapist on radio because she is someone my husband follows) and asked her and she said “why are you building your house near a poison factory?” He listened to HER, and said I was right. Then we instead looked for a house near our current one (45 minutes away from my parents.) He convinced me this was a good thing, even though it was like 50 nails in my coffin. It was a GORGEOUS house… Huge, gorgeous neighborhood, swimming pool. It spelled “ SUCCESS.” And here I was, imprisoned in my mansion. We moved when my son was 2 months old. Two weeks after we moved, 5 MEMBERS of his family came from India to see the baby. His mom, dad, sister, her 18 year old daughter, and her daughter’s best friend… I SO was not ready to have 5 visitors…New house, new baby, PPD, struggling with my mom’s possessive behavior with the baby, and then 5 visitors for whom I had to put on a happy face. They all stayed for a month and my mother in law for 3 MONTHS. I had to constantlt deal with her interaction with my mom…My mom’s jealousy she was there spending time with baby etc.

 

Everyone left… Thought it was getting better to some extent. Though with my mom’s scary behavior (ie competing with me for baby. She would literally put her arms out to see if baby wen to her or me, and clap with glee when he went to her…Saying he coulnt tell her and me apart etc) made me still want to take my baby as far away as possible. But I convinced myself to try to ignore, confront what I could and move on.

 

My husband and I went for couple’s therapy where all his anger came pouring out about how I should have cut my mom off and I should have confronted the way he wanted etc. He blamed me for all of it and wanted apologies. I genuinely gave them to him and explained that it was never my intenio ntio make him feel slighted…I handled it the best way I could and his way wouldn’t have worked with my mom but made it worse… Therapy brought even more stress our way. But U thought things were improving, when BOOM, my husband had a massive heart attack at age 40… A widowmaker that he survived which only 10% of people do because we got to the hospital on time. Our child was 21 months old. Fortunately he was ok. My husband was a thin guy but ate SOOOOO MUCH JUNK and did not exercise..He had high cholesterol for years and I was constantly trying to get him to eat better… anyways, I vowed to not talk about anything stressful, not talk about moving, the past etc etc. I just fiocused on his recovery, Making sure he ate right, exercised, took meds and encouraging. He received very quickly and was back to work in a week. Mind you he is a very high powered corporate exec and classic TYPE A. I am more laid back and so Ive been criticized for years by him on my lack of organization, etc. Ive tried to keep up with everything but he always finds where I lack and picks on it… Nothing is ever good enough for him.

 

So for months, even though I was struggling internally with “how could this happen to a 40 year old?” I put on a brave front and plowed on taking care of him. But he started getting even more picky towards me and more angry etc. until last year it all exploded. He said he was FURIOUS at me that I didn’t acknowledge that his heart attack was due to YEARS of stress due to me, my mom etc. Here I was, thinking I was doing the best thing NOT talking about all the stuff I thought stressed him out, and instead he blamed me for not talking about it and acknowledging my fault and saying it was his food. Um… He DID have high cholesterol and ate fast food 5 -10 times a week!!!! But I acknowledged and said I thought I was doing the best NOT talking about it…

In the meantime, he kept saying that he wants to visit his family in India and when I would say please don’t travel so far right now right after heart attack he was furioru with me saying I was keeping him from his family. Instead of saying anything, I invited his family here so he wouldn’t travel. His mom came for 2 months (very difficult for me) and sis for a month. His dad didn’t come because he doesn’t like traveling so far at age 73. His family has NOTHING but amazing things toi say abiout me saying they are so lucky to have me etc… So I thought good now he wont travel for a while. His mom left in FEB, now he wants to fly out to see his dad. What the hell was the point of me spending 3 months here with his family?? I wanted to keep him off international travel alone for awhile! But he said he promised his dad he would see him every year! Nothing I can do about that…

 

Recently, it struck me. I am an attractive, educated, intelligent, kind 36 year old woman and a GREAT mom. My fault has been having a crazy mother. I’ve created great distance and confronted when I can, but I haven’t been able to cut her off completely because I don’t want to completely cut her off from her grandson…Greatly limited but not broken. In between I had a MASSIVE confrontation with her, and things got better but eventually the same. So IVE TRIED. He sees them every 2 months. I’m ridiculously nice to his family. He has guilted me into financial obligations with them when they make no sense to me. What struck me is that for YEARS I have begged, pleaded and told my husband I want to move and I can’t be who I want to be or who he wants me to be living in close proximity to her. Ive begged for 10 years. But he kept telling ME tghat I was being a chicken and he wasn’t one, and kept ignoring me and buying houses and was more concerned about his position at work then my/our happiness.. I’ve been rejected sexually for years. I was never heard. But yet, I am blamed for everything including my mom’s behavior, my husband’s heart attack, and even having PPD when he piled a move and 5 people on me. Ive expressed all this to him recently and he said he should have listened but was more caught up in proving my parent’s wrong by being successful. So hes trying to move now by getting a role somewhere else.

 

At this point, there is so much resentment even from me. I don’t feel affectionate. I am angry. And I am tired from years of drama, traumatic events, not being heard, etc. I don’t feel love…But I know that we have to try for my 3 year old son. My husband is a great dad. And hes a good man. But yes, he doesn’t like having to discuss decisions with me but forces himself to. Like taking off for India when I have expressed my concerns on his health. But he says its been 1.5 years and he promised his dad…Fine. I don’t want to interfere more. There is SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BAGGAGE and I don’t know how to heal. I still feel like a new place would be a fresh start so my husband is looking for opportunities…Finally he gets that part..But HOW do I start loving him again? He says I show no affection…How do I do this? Advice? Sorry for such a long story but it was necessary… I need SOME guidance from an objective viewpoint. We are both at fault. But how do we move on?

[coryreply]

Are you guys in counseling now?

[LostinLifeGal]

Hi ,

 

We aren't at the moment. We were a few months back and my husband started having shortness of breath from anxiety I think. So we stopped...

[sandylee1]

Hi

I've tried reading through this to respond and help, but it's so long and I keep loosing the story.

 

You'll get more responses and advice if you can summarise this.

[Lois_Griffin]

I had to stop reading too. My brain is bleeding too much to even try to continue.

 

Give us a SHORT summary. All those details aren't necessary.