28yr BF Abandons me and Runs to Mommy

[Sunshine8703]

Hello

 

I really need to vent. I feel absolutely drained and that my life has to be a lifetime movie right now. I am sadly embarrassed to even tell my story but unfortunately I am desperate for some peace (and at least I have some of that in this moment when writing this). Sadly, I am even more embarrassed to say I am a 28 year old successful business woman and this is what my life has become.

 

My ex (I guess?) and I have been together a year. We moved quite fast, after six months of knowing each other we bought a home together (in his name). We’ve always been a bit rocky I guess you could say but the rockiness especially escalated after we moved in together 5 months ago. He’s always had a tremendous amount of emotional issues stemming from a very traumatizing childhood (his father was abusive, left them to smuggle drugs for days/weeks/months on end, verbally abused him and he was even raped by a different man when he was 4), he was also addicted to drugs from 13-17 and his parents (mother and step father) forced him into an in patient rehab for a year. He is a successful minority. He has been 10 years clean and from the outside you would have never known he lived such a past. Everyone loves him, he is outgoing, funny, and good looking. Unfortunately, most people have no idea what an emotionally closed off, horrible communicator he is. His longest relationship prior to me was 8 months, and in every instance he has been the victim.

 

Since moving in together we’ve had our really good moments and our cycle is as follows (to a T, I might add!):

 

- 2 weeks of pure wonderfulness

- I figure things are going very well I try to get him to go to that “vulnerable spot” and I even start to put my walls down

- He goes into his defense mode and starts getting closed off

- I feel neglected

- We have an argument (usually over something ridiculously stupid)

- He runs home to mommy

- Refuse to speak to me

- Mommy has to come tell me how he “really feels”

- I have to beg him to come back

- This has happened FIVE TIMES SINCE WE MOVED IN FIVE MONTHS AGO. It absolutely disgusts me.

 

On to the actual issue, one month ago I found out I was pregnant. Well knowing him all too well I certainly know I have to approach this delicately as he would probably literally run out the door before I could say “pregnant” so I waited about two weeks to figure out the exact moment I was going to tell him. Well, I was literally gushing blood at work, ran to the ER and after 3 hours I called him on my way home and explained everything (very stupid move!)… by the time I walked into my kitchen (not even 30 minutes later) his mother was standing there. I looked at my bf and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. That I couldn’t deal with this life that WE didn’t have a relationship because EVERYTHING that is about me and us they are involved in. Well she sat us down on our couch and told us we were going to work this out, that “our” (um, no last time I checked I didn’t have sex with you!) child was not going to grow up in a broken home.

 

Well, once that wore off I of course as usual (I swear, before this crazy relationship I always considered myself an intelligent woman) played house and everything was fine for a couple weeks. I still of course had to tip toe around the baby issue.

 

Fast forward to last Monday night, we got into a heated conversation before bed about how he doesn’t believe I’m happy with him (well, buddy it’s a little hard to be happy with a brick wall of no emotion and a crazy mother in tow). I ended up sleeping on the couch. I had a Dr. apt. the next morning at 9am (he knew this), I assumed he was calling in to work and when I woke up he was already gone to work. I was pretty darn pissed to say the least. I got home from the Dr., he then got home and I’m not going to lie I went pretty crazy. I told him that was pretty darn irresponsible and he wonders why I feel the need to “hide” things from him because I can’t tell him anything because I’m fearful of him running. I got so pissed I packed a bag and said I’m leaving. So what does he do? He packs literally all of his stuff and runs to Mommy. He then proceeds to call my mother (whom quite frankly has zero desire to get involved in any of my relationship nonsense… she never has) and tells her to tell me that he is going to stay at his parents house. I of course go home that night (like I ALWAYS do) and I spend the next three days waiting for him as usual… no call, no text, nothing. As usual.

 

Then, the fourth day his mother writes on my facebook about how I’m “lying to her son about such an important thing in ones life”… um, excuse me?!?! We then get into a VERY nasty text exchange and I told her there is a reason your 28 year old son can’t communicate because he runs to you and you let him stay there. When I show up with my bags at my parents house they look at me like “sure, have a cup of coffee… cool down, but you sure as heck aren’t staying here… go home and work it out”… I feel when she lets him stay there she is enabling his behavior… or now that I think about it probably controlling also. So, then what does she do? Call my mother and tell her I am being disrespectful to her and calling her a horrible mother. Really?? By calling you out?

 

My mother came over that evening and we sat down and talked (she had no idea about the pregnancy until his mother called her). I was hurt that I didn’t even have the chance to tell my parents in my special way but why I am not surprised with these people? Anyway my mom finally said “let’s call (my bf) to come over and talk” He came over… of course after 4 days of built up pissed offness it got quite heated… he was stone cold as usual, looked my mother and I in the face and said “I don’t care, I don’t want this and you need to abort”. Wow. My mother started to cry as she has always adored my bf and loved him as if he were her own son and she had no idea this side of him existed. Me? Well quite frankly it never doesn’t hurt but yes, I’m well aware of that side of him. He stormed out. My mother called his mother back and she comes RUSHING over. Of course her and I are still heated from the conversation earlier… she gets IN MY FACE and yells at me that I am criticizing her parenting and at one point I told her that her 28 year old son can’t make a decision without her, she looked me and said “What’s the problem”. We all finally cooled down and she goes on to say that my bf has been crying for four days, he’s so upset, he’s so mad at himself that he told us he wanted to abort but he doesn’t want that. This is what ALWAYS happens. My bf says one thing and then I go talk to his mom because she will of course tell me everything I want to hear (that I will of course NEVER hear from him)… my mother picked up on this and said to me “Can you not see what is going on here?!” and it’s true.

 

So, the next day, I called my bf of course no answer I left a vm saying “I’m going to the dr to have the baby checked because of all the stress the past few days… was hoping you would come with me”. Of course no call back. A few hours later I texted him “It’s obvious that you want an abortion based on your actions. I can’t make a decision like this on my own, you need to speak to me”. Again, no answer. His mother then shows up at the house with a PREGNANCY TEST demanding I pee on it in front of her. And stupid me did it. I was so upset that I ended up in the hospital that night from all of this craziness. My ex no where to be found. My mom finally said to her that “this needs to stop, we all need to take the weekend to cool off”. I’ve been staying at my parents since Friday and he’s been staying at his parents now since last week Tuesday. No one had any contact over the weekend and today there was no contact until about 7:30 when his mom called my mom saying “(my bf) came clean with us Friday night and there’s more to this than you know” blah blah blah.. of course it got me all angry after I was finally calming down because I’m thinking what is there POSSIBLY going on that’s “more to the story”… we live the most boring life…. I come home from work at 5:30 fix us dinner, we clean up and watch law and order the rest of the night… PLEASE enlighten me what OTHER STUFF there is. So my mom called her back and she basically said that I wasn’t allowing my bf to go to any appts and I was “isolating him”… um.. hello??? I have texts of Tuesday telling him I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t go!

 

I am honestly drained. I feel like he is so used to that when he walks out on me during an argument that I call him and beg him to come home and I refused to do that this time and this is what I’m getting. I refuse to enable this behavior… and furthermore, I refuse to deal with his mother. I have not myself communicated with any of them in three days now and I can’t decide which feeling is more predominant… my anger that he walked out on me AGAIN, that he refused to even call or text and ask how his PREGNANT girlfriend is, that he sends his mother over with a pregnancy test, that my character has been run through the ringer, or that I’m sad that this is what this has come to when it’s supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. And quite frankly, I wonder to myself what I got myself into… I am also petrified of these people… they know EVERYONE (literally!)… good people and bad people… and I just feel like they would do anything to take my child away from me… and furthermore, I don’t want my child to grow up and ever think it’s okay to have no emotion, to not feel vulnerability, and I fear that his crazy grandmother will control him like she does her son… and they have this mentality that “money is no object”… My parents raised me that if you want a car, great, go out get a job buy a car and while you’re at it get your own insurance”, “you want to go to college, good, go get a job and pay for it”… while his parents refused to accept her was on drugs, let him drop out of high school, when he got out of rehab they GAVE him a brand new car… paid the town THOUSANDS of dollars to get him a job there and when we were buying this house and he didn’t have his half they said “no problem!”… I just don’t want that for my child.

 

I’m all over the place… my poor dear parents are involved in this heavily now and I am not like that with my parents… they have always been on a need to know basis, for cripe sake I am 28 years old and they have this crazy woman calling them. I feel like I walked away from this non sense three days ago to calm down for mine and my childs sake and they just keep at it… I truly don’t even know if I have a bone in my body that has any respect or love for my ex anymore.

 

Quite frankly, if I didn’t feel so bad for myself… I would feel even worse for him.

 

If you’ve made it this far, I am so grateful for you! Thank you in advance for any of your thoughts!

Edited June 2, 2015 by Sunshine8703
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[mrs rubble]

I'd go with the abortion, your BF and his family carry crazy genes!!!!!

[mightycpa]

Well, Sunshine. You got involved with somebody who is ****ed up, and who came from a ****ed up family and guess what?

 

Now your life is ****ed up too.

 

I have to imagine that the 28 year old successful business woman would not be surprised by this outcome.

 

I wonder how come you are.

[newmoon]

you can sure as heck bet that if his mom is involved in your business now, then mommy will be VERY in your business during and after your pregnancy. you have to know that there is no future with this guy, right? your relationship sounds entirely dysfunctional and the sooner you leave him, the sooner you'll start to think clearly about what you can do for yourself and your future and your baby (if you keep it). a man who needs to rely on his mother to that extent will never be a functional partner. i'd start by ending the relationship, or at the very least taking a break from it for several months. it'll clear your head and allow you to see things from a clear(er) space. you will never be respected by him or his mother; doing what she told you in the moment she asked (peeing on the stick) tipped your hand - she knows you're weak and that'll be your downfall. she (and he) will be able to push you around forever :-)

Edited June 2, 2015 by newmoon

[AlwaysAKL]

Please don't abort your baby. Through all this craziness, remember your child. Forget him and his mommy. Concentrate on your child and make a life for the two of you.

[SpiralOut]

I think it would help to stop talking to them for a while. They sound messed up and you need a break from that. It's not good for you. As for the main issues....

 

 

#1 - the baby. Are you waiting for him to help you decide what to do? I think you should do whatever you think is best regardless of what he thinks. He doesn't know what he wants anyway and can't be trusted to not change his mind later on.

 

 

#2 - living situation. The house is in his name so you'll have to find somewhere else to live. As for the payments you made on it, I don't know how you want to deal with all that. I guess you'll have to wait until you've both (sorry, the three of you) have calmed down enough to talk about it.

 

 

#3 - your health. This is really the number one issue, not number 3, but anyway. It sounds like you've been going to the hospital a fair bit lately. Take some time to recover.

 

 

This guy is not going to change. No way can you be with someone who is that enmeshed with his mother. You should be the one he talks to when he is upset, not her. He hasn't set proper boundaries with her.

[anika99]

When it comes to deciding on having a baby or having an abortion don't let anyone tell you what to do. It is your life and your decision and you are the one that will live with the consequences, nobody else, so no one but you gets to decide.

 

 

Your bf has a very sick dysfunctional relationship with his mother and that's not going to change. He needs to cut the apron springs and spend several years in therapy to deal with his foo issues, and I don't think he's ever going to do that. You need to get rid of him ASAP. Realize that if you do have this baby that you will be a single parent of a baby with a crazy father and a crazy grandmother. You will have to prepared to deal with them in matters pertaining to your child and it could become a nightmare. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have the baby but round up all the support you can get and be prepared to have to fight with these crazy people over everything.

[mrs rubble]

I'd go with the abortion, your BF and his family carry crazy genes!!!!!

 

Sorry I probably shouldn't have said that!

It sounds like your mum would be very supportive of you.

Anika speaks sense.

[Arieswoman]

sunshine,

I can't see a good future for you with this person. He's immature and has lots of issues. Sadly, you made a poor choice.

 

Please get out of this situation as soon as you can and make a new life for yourself and this baby (if you decide to have it)

 

Good luck x

 

PS

Ironically this is what I just posted on another thread

 

I would advise any woman thinking of starting a family to think very carefully. I would ask her, is she financially, emotionally, psychologically and physically prepared to raise that child on her own?

 

Unfortunately, the situation is as it is now, so you need to deal with what you have.

Edited June 2, 2015 by Arieswoman

[lollipopspot]

Forget him and his mommy. Concentrate on your child and make a life for the two of you.

 

Unless she convincingly pretends to have a miscarriage and completely and permanently disappears from his life (and anyone who knows about it keeps quiet), she isn't going to be able to raise this baby on her own. He has legal rights.

 

OP, no one in this situation sounds stable. I think a child needs more stability to become a fully functional adult.

[spawn]

Sunshine, this is your body and your choice. Don't let anyone tell you different. This situation is not going to get better long term. If you have this baby you will be doing 18 to life with your boyfriend and his mother. That won't change either.

[Sunshine8703]

Honestly, I know this situation is very messed up, I am clearly very well aware of that. However, there was always tremendous amounts of love between us and I believed eventually he would get to a vulnerable position.

 

Honestly, this is the longest we've been apart and I feel like I've had such an opportunity to reflect on so many things I was blind to while I was in the situation.

 

I'm well aware that I don't have a future with him. My emotions have gone from being so angry and disgusted with him to genuinely feeling sorry for him...

 

It might not be clear through the situation but I am a grown woman, I have a career and I consider myself a very strong woman. Do I know being a single mother will single handidly be the most difficult challenge I've ever taken on? Yes. But I believe I have the strength I just worry about these crazy people. I also fear that I would not be raising this child with my ex but with his crazy mother, which I could not handle and I would never put a child through that. I consider myself strong and I look back on how she has manipulated me in just a year... I couldn't imagine 28.

 

I wish my ex and I could sit down alone and discuss this but the only communication she allows is between her and my mother. How disgusting and sad.

[MCGar]

but it's what I WOULD do if I was entangled in this crazy mess, for the well being of my child at the utmost top of my mind.

 

I would tell him that you had an early term miscarriage, I would rail and scream and torture the crap out of him so that he would do his best to avoid you and stay away. Ask him what sort of responsibility is he going to take for all the stress that led up to this.

Then I would put in for a transfer in job and live at your parents' house until you could move away. Hopefully your mother can help you with your baby once you have it..far away.

 

If you don't think you can do something like that, then look forward to a future where you fight every hour of every day your MIL from taking the parenting role away from you.

[Sunshine8703]

But would I be able to live with myself if I took my child away from their father?

 

I believe he would be a good father without his mother.

 

I want to reach out to him to talk but I know his mother will tell him he can only talk to me with her. I don't know what to do.

[lollipopspot]

But would I be able to live with myself if I took my child away from their father?

 

I believe he would be a good father without his mother.

 

I want to reach out to him to talk but I know his mother will tell him he can only talk to me with her. I don't know what to do.

 

Really, just give up the fantasy and what you think should be.

 

You have the situation that you have with them, and it's not going to change.

 

Now think about the child and if you want to bring them into that mess. It's on you. They're not asking to be born - you are choosing what life to bring them into.

[Sunshine8703]

What fantasy!? There is zero viable outcome to this.

 

I abort and wonder if I could live with my self (which I'm sorry for being human and having feelings)

 

I "run away" and then feel equally as bad. What do I say when my child asks me where their father is?

 

I stay here and allow his mother to control the situation (which I don't doubt they wouldn't be loved as screwed up as this situation is).

 

You forget that we WERE happy, we bought a home together because we loved each other and wanted a future together. We discussed children and he was okay with children until he freaked out and ran. We had family dinner every Sunday... We were a "normal" couple.

 

Ultimately I feel I will not be able to make a decision without a discussion. How I'm going to get that discussion is beyond me at this point.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm not trying to sound harsh here, but you need to regain control of this situation. You've allowed your ex's mom to insert herself in matters that were none of her business for long enough. Now there's potentially an little one involved, who's going to need your protection to ensure that woman has minimal contact. If you seriously can't have a conversation with your ex without going through his mother, then don't even try to include him. This is ridiculous, a grown man hiding behind his mother's apron strings, especially when he may be about to become a father, himself. You and you alone control access to the baby right now, and you will have plenty of say when he or she is born too. Don't forget this, and don't let this woman intimidate you anymore. You can do it, and its your only choice if you want your baby to have any sort of normal relationship with the father. Step up and let them know how things are going to go from now on.

 

It also looks to me like you're going to have to forgo any sort of romantic relationship with this guy. His allowing his mother to contact and become involved in YOUR relationship with YOUR parents speaks to a very basic lack of boundaries that isn't going to be fixed any time soon, if ever. I don't think you were ever a normal couple, I think he was just on his best behavior in the beginning, and you chose to overlook his behavior until it was too late. He's not going to change, you've already let him know over and over that you'll put up with it and welcome him back.

 

But don't think that you don't have any choices here. You actually have ALL the choices, you just need to start seeing it that way.

[anna121]

What fantasy!? There is zero viable outcome to this.

 

I abort and wonder if I could live with my self (which I'm sorry for being human and having feelings)

 

I "run away" and then feel equally as bad. What do I say when my child asks me where their father is?

 

I stay here and allow his mother to control the situation (which I don't doubt they wouldn't be loved as screwed up as this situation is).

 

You forget that we WERE happy, we bought a home together because we loved each other and wanted a future together. We discussed children and he was okay with children until he freaked out and ran. We had family dinner every Sunday... We were a "normal" couple.

 

Ultimately I feel I will not be able to make a decision without a discussion. How I'm going to get that discussion is beyond me at this point.

 

I think the "fantasy" being referred to is the idea that you will be able to have regular, mature conversations with him about this topic, or anything seriously challenging, without his mother.

 

I mean. What you are describing sounds utterly pathological to me. I would die before I would allow my parents to run interference in my relationship. The way that he does.

 

You were happy together before you really got serious. As soon as you moved in together. Remember? You described a consistent pattern of push-pull-run away-run towards you. You said there was five months of this.

 

That is in no way a mature relationship. That is not someone you want to be parenting with.

 

Your choice about the pregnancy is yours, and yours alone. Once the child is born, unless you are prepared to be VERY ruthless, nothing in relation to it is likely to be only your choice, ever again.

 

So, choose wisely.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sunshine, i Never read a long post with so much attention! Sorry you are in this situation. dont not get abortion, keep your baby and provide a caring home. It is hard now and it may be hard in the future but you are a strong woman. You know your ex and you accepted him before knowing his weakness. I dont see the point of having abortion and staying with him. Because he never be ready for a family, he is a mess and dysfunctional and his mother is the same. He learned this behavior from his mother and will never change. The way you describe your ex and his mother seems people full of lies. after the abortion, they may change the story and tell everyone that you are a bad person you did not even want to keep their child. This is a very toxic relationship but you can do this for your child. Stay away from him, please stop thinking that you can reason him. No, not now. You should be happy to share good news about a baby coming but instead you were concerned, trying to find a way to explain to him that your are pregnant! What kind of life is that? what kind of love and family is that? Your ex (sorry I call him a ex because you have to let him go) is like a baby boy. He is afraid of responsibility. Be strong, you are lucky your parents are supportive. Forget about the sick family (ex) and move on. You have to.

[Fleur de cactus]

I want to add that I have been in a similar situation. when I heard abortion, I ran away. I told God and by baby that I will be a good mother. My parents were very supportive. when the child was a teen, he asked me questions and I explained what happened. He told me that he will never be like his father. My son now is a successful young man. His father side look at him with envy. People who know me keep telling me that I am blessed to have a child like him. They wish they had a child like him. It was very hard for me as a single mother but I did it.

[Sunshine8703]

Thank you for the previous comments since my last one.

 

I agree about the control. She HAS called all the shots and I have not communicated with her (or him) since Friday. She doesn't communicate with me, she now goes through my mother (bless my poor mothers soul she is just beside herself with all of this).

 

I am fully aware there is no future with him. Very very aware. My only concern is my child this week and it's very difficult because so many people so close to me have such strong options one way or the other. I sometimes feel like people don't understand... And certainly don't understand the type of people these are.

 

To the one poster who told me that I would need to ensure they have as minimal contact as possible 1. They would NEVER allow that to happen... His mother had been bringing up us having children since we had been together for 2 months! And 2. That's the even more sad part as absolutely bat sh*t crazy as they are I know they would love this child with everything they have.

 

I just simply don't trust them. At all...

 

I seem to have different feelings today... I am incredibly blessed with all the support from my parents and friends. For days I was so angry.. Angry at HIM and today I felt nothing but sorry for him.., I look back on so many times that she has manipulated me the past year... I couldn't imagine it for 28 years... What difference does he know?

[Sunshine8703]

Still no communication.

 

I feel like somehow I need to reach out. I met with an attorney and in NYS a father can't just "give up his rights" he can have nothing to do with the baby but he can't not take responsibility.

 

Should I reach out? I don't know how to reach out without all this anger.

 

Thanks

[No Limit]

Try it one more time - if he starts crazytalking you'll just have to make a decision without him. It needn't be abortion, there's adoption too - and if you want to keep the baby you can either hide him/her from his/her father or you do it court-wise and make a scheduled co-parenting plan.

 

Even if there was love involved it cannot make up for the endless manipulation. Your ex is far from father material.

[Sunshine8703]

I agree on everything you said.

 

However, I cannot "hide" the baby. I would never be able to live with myself. I fear with adoption they would jump in and take the baby.

 

I don't fear crazy talk from him... In fact I would love some sort of talk... I fear NO RESPONSE as I normally get.

 

And what do I say?

[ZiggyZoo]

I agree, you can't hide the baby. I'm glad you've talked with an attorney, you're going to need one. What does s/he say about if or how to contact your ex? I'd hold off until the attorney weighed in, there's no telling how things can be twisted around, especially if emotions are running high. You have plenty of time for things to settle down before any decisions have to be made.

 

I said it before, but you have a lot of control in this situation. You've already made a great decision, by seeking legal help. His mom may bark all she wants, but she'll soon find out that legally she doesn't have much bite.